Love Destoying Shame

(Section of upcoming book: Love and Alienation [in press])
I wish to introduce the concept of dysfunctional shame, as it contrasts from functional shame. In functional shame a person realizes that it is okay to make mistakes, that we are not perfect and that if we fall down, we get back up. Dysfunctional shame, on the other hand, can destroy a person. And dysfunctional shame always stems from alienation and avoidance.
The cycle is thus: As a person alienates himself from the society around him, the response to that alienation from others is avoidance, which engenders a feeling of abandonment within the person who alienated himself (a self-fulfilling prophecy).
The second stage of the above graph, “abandonment,” can also stem from other sources than alienation. For instance, abuse of any kind increases feelings of abandonment. When a child is physically, emotionally or sexually abused, that child negatively detaches from the world around her. Feelings of abandonment are feelings of isolation from human contact. Feelings of abandonment are also feelings of betrayal, which feelings inevitably lead to apathy—which emotion is quintessentially tied to alienation.
These feelings of abandonment can also stem from a perception of loss. For instance, a child’s father could have been cold and aloof. This father could have also been authoritarian in parenting style—a type of “drill sergeant” parent. This child may then perceive a loss of a father who “could have, should have, and ought to have been” (distortions of thought) a warm and affirming father. This loss has a natural outcome of emotions tied to abandonment.
This abandonment then creates a false self-identity, or an identity fraught with distorted perceptions of “who am I.” This is the “dysfunctional shadow identity.” And when a person finds herself living through this identity, the perception of self is one of destruction. Persons with this identity may say to themselves, “I am worthless all of the time,” or “I am wicked and am not worth God’s time…or for that matter anybody else’s time.” This dysfunctional shadow identity is directed by unhealthy shame, which tears a person down and inhibits emotional growth.
When someone has developed a dysfunctional shadow identity, this someone then begins to live through this identity—their thoughts and beliefs become skewed and distorted—they develop a “shadow belief.” For example, a person might begin to believe that nothing ever works out for them, or that no one will ever love them. These shadow beliefs are wrought with non-meaningful pain and suffering, which a person inevitably feels compelled to rid themselves of.
The strong negative emotions which result from the shadow belief lead to the compulsive and addictive actions of the “shadow behaviors.” Drug addiction, gambling, overeating, overspending, other deviant addictions and compulsions come with a high price to pay. When the “shadow consequences” occur resulting from negative choices, the results of these choices feed back into the dysfunctional shadow identity, which lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, “See I knew it, I am worthless, and the proof of this is the fact that I am in jail for a DUI.”
Functional shame is closely related to our authentic selves. To perpetuate and reinforce the authentic self, one must accomplish a few necessary steps. The following acronym “REAL SELF” are a few steps needed in progressing towards an authentic self:

(R)ely on God
(E)xpress emotion
(A)ccept sources of shame
(L)et go

(S)elf-disclosure
(E)voke accountability
(L)ove yourself
(F)orgiveness of self and others

Rely on God

Relying on God is essential to heal from any malady. As it will be highlighted in discussion 11, my belief is that in any relationship, spirituality must be highlighted for the relationship to grow. And concerning therapy: a person’s spiritual side must be addressed before ending that therapeutic relationship. The spiritual core values are what lead to lasting change… they make all of the behavioral skills and introspection processed through the therapy sessions take on meaning and purpose, which will lead to lasting change. If there is no why, how long will the how last?
Of course this is something very personal, and can only truly be obtained by communion with deity—through prayer or meditation. Praying and receiving from communion with God is essential.

Express emotion

Expressing emotion is also very necessary in obtaining a healing experience. If you have ever had the experience of attending therapy, you realize that more often than not the therapist asks this question, “How are you feeling” or “Would you identify your mood for me,” etc. Why is it that these specialists are so interested in moods? For one thing, an exploration of emotions is something that is neglected in our society, to not experience your mood is a good way to develop lasting mental abnormalities. To identify your mood is the gateway to managing your mood. And managing your mood leads to emotional maturity and mental wellness. I have discovered in my practice of psychotherapy that most mental disorders have a root cause in abnormal emotion maintenance. For both children and adults, I have seen great gains made in therapy by having participants in therapy simply identify their moods frequently. Many times, I have seen participants connect many psychological patterns and unlock unresolved trauma or grief by opening up emotionally. Your emotions are the gateway to the unconscious mysteries that may have been plaguing you for years. Alice Miller essentially stated that exposure to a trauma doesn’t cause a mental illness, but the inability to express emotion about the trauma causes the dysfunction.
One technique that I have used to obtain the emotional goals I have for myself is to keep a journal and write down the moods that I am experiencing everyday. Another technique I have used (especially with children) is to use a “cheat sheet” which has a list of moods. I will have the person take the cheat sheet home with them and identify a mood off the list often during the day. This activity will increase exposure to emotion identification, which is the first step in emotional management.

Accept sources of shame

For many people this is one of the most difficult steps, because many individuals’ sources of shame can be found within their family of origin. Mother and father are our greatest models and sources of love and self-identity. However, when a family becomes dysfunctional, these models of attachment can wreak havoc on our sensitive and developing sense of self. But it must be understood, if our parents were toxic, there was probably a good chance that their parents were toxic as well. We must come to understand that there is a good chance that even abusive people are doing the best they know how. If as a child a person was beaten for bad behavior, what other model did he or she have of parenting than that of an abusive example received from his/her parents? This toxicity becomes multigenerational, but of course, this is not an excuse—our agency dictates that we must choose to break this cycle, or we will be as responsible as those who abused us. And to break this cycle, we must accept our past, focus on today, and influence our future. If you have had serious abuse in your past, you must get therapy if you are to ever get to the point of acceptance. And acceptance will lead to breaking the cycle. Note: Acceptance and approval are different. Acceptance is tied to forgiveness, understanding and letting go. Approval is related to condoning.

Let Go
Tied to Relying on God is letting go. A common AA phrase is “Let go and let God.” Surrendering control is what letting go is all about. One of the most powerful aspects of any 12-step group is the recitation of the Serenity Prayer. This prayer has already been cited in this work, however it is such a powerful concept, it is worth quoting again.

God grant me the Serenity
To Accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to Know the difference

Acceptance of things that are out of our control is often one of the most difficult things to perceive when we are attempting to overcome love-destroying shame. Another key element which ties to these concepts of letting go and accepting is the idea of detaching.
Detachment doesn’t mean that we don’t care. It does mean that we are involved, but within healthy self boundaries. With detachment comes serenity, because we reach a state of being in which we can observe the environment around us, but we don’t have to control the environment. We are in the world, but not of the world.
For example, I had a client who would obsess and worry about seemingly everything, but specifically her teenage son. The son was severely addicted to narcotics. When her son turned 18, he went to jail on drug charges, and my client was immediately present to bail him out. She attempted to do everything for him, and she wondered why her son would continue to get into trouble. She would rescue and he would rebel. Finally, my client came to the realization that her son needed to be “his own man.” Again he was sent to jail, but she did not bail him out. She told him that she loved him, but that he needed to take responsibility for himself—she detached, but was still involved and loving towards him. To her surprise, her crippling depression, anxiety and anger issues slowly faded and she then no longer needed to see me for therapy.

Self-Disclosure
To overcome the shadow identity and dysfunction shame, a person must self-disclose to others. Self-disclosure is essential—it leads to a corrective emotional experience, which is a healing process of overcoming the damage done from earlier dysfunctional relationships. This is the power behind recovery and therapy groups—when we come out of hiding and reveal pain to a supportive group of people, we overcome our shadow identity and come closer and nearer to our authentic self. This leads to developing healthy relationships, which also adds to the corrective emotional experience.

Evoke Accountability
The majority of people I see in therapy are there because they do not want to make a decision—they want me (their therapist) to make a decision for them. When I think of almost every mental or relational problem I have helped people with, there inevitably is a responsibility issue at the core of the matter. This is what the defense mechanisms of projections, displacement, splitting (triangulation), and others are defending against—personal accountability!
The following is a list of defense mechanisms as identified and provided by Wikipedia.com: (notice how many of them deal with responsibility avoidance at an unconscious, preconscious and conscious level).
Level 1 Defence Mechanisms
The mechanisms on this level, when predominating, almost always are severely pathological. These three defences, in conjunction, permit one to effectively rearrange external reality and eliminate the need to cope with reality. The pathological users of these mechanisms frequently appear crazy or insane to others. These are the "psychotic" defences, common in overt psychosis. However, they are found in dreams and throughout childhood as healthy mechanisms.
They include:
· Denial: Refusal to accept external reality because it is too threatening; arguing against an anxiety-provoking stimuli by stating it doesn't exist; resolution of emotional conflict and reduce anxiety by refusing to perceive or consciously acknowledge the more unpleasant aspects of external reality.
· Distortion: A gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs.
· Delusional Projection: Grossly frank delusions about external reality, usually of a persecutory nature.
Level 2 Defence Mechanisms
These mechanisms are often present in adults and more commonly present in adolescence. These mechanisms lessen distress and anxiety provoked by threatening people or by uncomfortable reality. People who excessively use such defences are seen as socially undesirable in that they are immature, difficult to deal with and seriously out of touch with reality. These are the so-called "immature" defences and overuse almost always lead to serious problems in a person's ability to cope effectively. These defences are often seen in severe depression and personality disorders. In adolescence, the occurrence of all of these defences is normal.
These include:
· Fantasy: Tendency to retreat into fantasy in order to resolve inner and outer conflicts.
· Projection: Projection is a primitive form of paranoia. Projection also reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the undesirable impulses or desires without becoming consciously aware of them; attributing one's own unacknowledged unacceptable/unwanted thoughts and emotions to another; includes severe prejudice, severe jealousy, hypervigilance to external danger, and "injustice collecting.” It is shifting one's unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses within oneself onto someone else, such that those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations as perceived as being possessed by the other.
· Hypochondriasis (a.k.a. somatization): The transformation of negative feelings towards others into negative feelings toward self, pain, illness and anxiety.
· Passive aggression: Aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively.
· Acting out: Direct expression of an unconscious wish or impulse without conscious awareness of the emotion that drives that expressive behavior.
Level 3 Defence Mechanisms
These mechanisms are considered neurotic, but fairly common in adults. Such defences have short-term advantages in coping, but can often cause long-term problems in relationships, work and in enjoying life when used as one's primary style of coping with the world.
These include:
· Displacement: Defence mechanism that shifts sexual or aggressive impulses to a more acceptable or less threatening target; redirecting emotion to a safer outlet; separation of emotion from its real object and redirection of the intense emotion toward someone or something that is less offensive or threatening in order to avoid dealing directly with what is frightening or threatening.
· Dissociation: Temporary drastic modification of one's personal identity or character to avoid emotional distress; separation or postponement of a feeling that normally would accompany a situation or thought.
· Intellectualization: A form of isolation; concentrating on the intellectual components of a situation so as to distance oneself from the associated anxiety-provoking emotions; separation of emotion from ideas; thinking about wishes in formal, affectively bland terms and not acting on them; avoiding unacceptable emotions by focusing on the intellectual aspects.
· Reaction Formation: Converting unconscious wishes or impulses that are perceived to be dangerous into their opposites; behavior that is completely the opposite of what one really wants or feels; taking the opposite belief because the true belief causes anxiety. This defence can work effectively for coping in the short term, but will eventually break down.
· Repression: Process of pulling thoughts into the unconscious and preventing painful or dangerous thoughts from entering consciousness; seemingly unexplainable naiveté, memory lapse or lack of awareness of one's own situation and condition; the emotion is conscious, but the idea behind it is absent.
Level 4 Defence Mechanisms
These are commonly found among emotionally healthy adults and are considered the most mature, even though many have their origins in the immature level. However, these have been adapted through the years so as to optimize success in life and relationships. The use of these defences enhances user pleasure and feelings of mastery. These defences help the users to integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts while still remaining effective. Persons who use these mechanisms are viewed as having virtues.
These include:
· Altruism: Constructive service to others that brings pleasure and personal satisfaction.
· Anticipation: Realistic planning for future discomfort.
· Humour: Overt expression of ideas and feelings (especially those that are unpleasant to focus on or too terrible to talk about) that gives pleasure to others. Humour enables someone to call a spade a spade, while "wit" is a form of displacement (see above under Category 3).
· Identification: The unconscious modelling of one's self upon another person's character and behavior.
· Introjection: Identifying with some idea or object so deeply that it becomes a part of that person.
· Sublimation: Transformation of negative emotions or instincts into positive actions, behavior, or emotion.
· Suppression: The conscious process of pushing thoughts into the preconscious; the conscious decision to delay paying attention to an emotion or need in order to cope with the present reality; able to later access uncomfortable or distressing emotions and accept them.

Defense mechanisms protect us from being consciously aware of a thought or feeling which we cannot tolerate. The defense only allows the unconscious thought or feeling to be expressed indirectly in a disguised form. When these defenses become dysfunctional, dangerous, deviant or distressing, a person needs to seek treatment; however, it is essential to know that many of these defenses operate within all of us. These defenses are not inherently negative, some may be quite positive, like sublimation. However and indeed, many of these defenses can contribute to responsibility avoidance. For example, I once worked with an individual who was in extreme denial surrounding his extreme heroin addiction. He had convinced himself that it was natural and even healthy for him. He felt that everyone was out to get him and as long as he could maintain his job and his relationships, there was no reason to change. In a therapy group for substance abuse, many of the group members tried to “break him.” They would challenge and confront him until they were blue in the face (literally). However, none of their efforts worked. Yet one day he presented the group with a very depressed affect which was unlike his usual bravado. He stated, “My girlfriend left me and I think I am going to get fired, all because of my drug use.” Now, the defenses were down and the group could get some real work done. He was now ready, willing and somewhat able to grow out of this dysfunction… so we thought. As the group gave him suggestions, and praised him on “seeing through the pink haze,” he began to become a little bit stoic. He then began to follow the group’s lead by asking for advice, which they in turn were eager to give. Over the next week, he practiced the behaviors that the group told him to do, began a 12-step program as they had advised, and he attempted to be as honest as he could with others, also as the group had advised. During the next group, he was absent, and he never returned. “What happened… he was doing so well?,” group members asked. On a private phone call I had with him some weeks later, he told me that the 12-step group was full of “self-righteous do-gooders,” the people he attempted to be honest with rejected him, and all the advice the group had given him had “blown up in his face.” He has made the group accountable for his failed attempts of sobriety.
How do we evoke accountability within ourselves when we may be in a state of defensiveness? It has much to do with our relationships with others and how they respond to us. Good feedback from those who care does not include advice, this will only perpetuate responsibility avoidance. Good listening is key to evoke accountability.
Thomas Gordon described some roadblocks to listening:
• Asking questions
• Agreeing, approving, or praising
• Advising, suggesting, providing solutions
• Arguing, persuading with logic, lecturing
• Analyzing or interpreting
• Assuring, sympathizing, or consoling
• Ordering, directing, or commanding
• Warning, cautioning, or threatening
• Moralizing, telling what they “should” do
• Disagreeing, judging, criticizing, or blaming
• Shaming, ridiculing, or labeling
• Withdrawing, distracting, humoring, or changing the subject
“Why are they roadblocks?” Gordon continues:
“They get in the speaker’s way. In order to keep moving, the speaker has to go around them… They have the effect of blocking, stopping, diverting, or changing direction… They insert the listener’s ‘stuff’… They communicate: One-up role: `Listen to me! I’m the expert.’ And they put-down (subtle, or not-so-subtle).”
Certainly, it is a difficult, if not an impossible job to evoke accountability in others, and very often it is difficult to evoke accountability in ourselves. The first step is to realize that there are many aspects of our lives that we do not want to investigate. The second step is to become aware of the fact that we are responsible for those aspects; we are even responsible for things outside of ourselves. In a strange way, it can be liberating to know that we are responsible for everything in our environment—we are not to blame—but we are responsible. It is also key to remember that freedom is found in two simple actions: repenting and forgiving (we will discuss more of this in the next section).

Love Yourself
This is a very powerful principle. Loving yourself will be described throughout this book as one of the quintessential achievements to overcome most mental dysfunctions. The first step is to become familiar with positive affirmations. There is power in intently looking into your eyes in a mirror and saying “I love you… You mean a lot to me… etc.” So often, we do just the opposite. If a person attempts to give himself positive affirmations continuously for two weeks, that person will notice a drastic change in the way he perceives himself and his environment.
When a lawyer asked Jesus, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” he answered, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Matt. 22:36–39.) Notice that Jesus said you are to love your neighbor as yourself. God wants you to love yourself just as much as he wants you to love others. Dr. Clark Swain stated, “If you truly love yourself, you will remember that you are a physical, mental, and spiritual being. Loving yourself as God wants you to means that you use wisdom in protecting your life and conserving your health.”
Loving yourself also means to be grateful for yourself and your abilities, and to be grateful to God. It has been shown in research that attitude of gratitude can significantly increase a lasting sense of well-being. In an experimental comparison, those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who recorded hassles or neutral life events (Emmons & McCullough, 2003). Also, it has been shown that a related benefit of the attitude of gratitude was observed in the realm of personal goal attainment: Participants who kept gratitude lists were more likely to have made progress toward important personal goals (academic, interpersonal and health-based) over a two-month period compared to subjects in the other experimental conditions. Moreover, daily gratitude interventions (self-guided exercises) with young adults resulted in higher reported levels of the positive states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy compared to a focus on hassles or a downward social comparison (ways in which participants thought they were better off than others). There was no difference in levels of unpleasant emotions reported in the three groups. It was also found by Drs. Robert A. Emmons and Michael E. McCullough that in a sample of adults with neuromuscular disease, a 21-day gratitude intervention resulted in greater amounts of high-energy positive moods, a greater sense of feeling connected to others, more optimistic ratings of one’s life, and better sleep duration and sleep quality, relative to a control group.

Forgiveness of self and others
This section is a little longer than the former, because this concept is essential to healing. There are two principles all people need to learn to overcome the shadow identity. These are repenting and forgiving. Repenting is essential, because this action leads to an understanding that we make mistakes, we are not perfect, and that we are “okay.” When we do something wrong, say sorry and make restitution. Asking God for forgiveness is liberating and evokes healthy shame and guilt, which as John Bradshaw states “safeguards the soul” because we will conceptualize that we have limits and boundaries, and truly we are good people who perform badly at times. Again, it is “okay,” we must not be so hard on ourselves. The danger of the shadow identity is that an individual can become dichotomous in thought, action and belief. On one extreme a person may need to be “perfect,” achieving extremely in everything. They also are compelled to show little-to-no emotions, because this is weakness. These people “have to” and “have no choice” in their need to achieve. On the other side of the spectrum of the shadow identity, an individual sees himself as a “no-good sinner” not worthy of “redemption.” Both sides of the spectrum are toxic and can lead to personal destruction.
The Greek word for which the English term “repentance” was derived denotes a change of mind, or in effect, a fresh view about God (Bible Dictionary, p. 760). This idea is truly at odds with the notions of punishment and pain, with which many people associate the term of repentance.
Forgiveness of ourselves is important and forgiveness of others is essential for our healing. Anyone who has ever been victimized—and that includes survivors of crime, accidents, childhood abuse, political imprisonment, warfare, and so on—must decide whether or not to forgive those who made the violation, even if that person is not repentant. There can be no way around this choice: either you decide to forgive the person who hurt you, or you hold on to bitterness and anger until it consumes you. Holding on to bitterness and anger can perpetuate further bitterness and anger. One example I witnessed was an individual who had been molested by a grandfather, who had passed away without ever acknowledging his wrongdoing. The survivor’s anger and desire for revenge became an obsession. She so focused on the crime that she completely missed the opportunity she had been given to learn about real love, forgiveness and letting go. In its place, she seemed to believe that hatred would satisfy her thirst for vengeance and would somehow bring healing. As a result, this individual repeated over and over, “I’ll never forgive.” One of my favorite examples to use with children and adults of a character who didn’t forgive was that of Darth Vader. He was so preoccupied with those who trespassed against him that his hatred and revenge turned him literally into a machine. What a powerful archetype Darth Vader is of vengeance.
To forgive can be a problem for some to conceptualize because it can be a concept that is obscure, especially to our Western perspective, simply because we have been bombarded by the ideas of “getting even” and “mercy is for the weak.” And many times, the concept of forgiveness gets confused with the concept of reconciliation, which is related to forgiveness. Tangentially, reconciliation and restitution are even more closely related than forgiveness and reconciliation, although all three terms are orbital. Restitution “denotes a return of something once present, but has been taken away or lost.” (Bible Dictionary. P. 761) Reconciliation comes from the Latin words re-, meaning “again,” and conciliare, which means “to bring together.”
Again, the difficulty surrounding forgiveness is an understanding of the difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. And in many instances persons who have wronged another do not “own up” to their mistakes, especially when pride is involved, thus restitution does not happen and reconciliation doesn’t take place. And when reconciliation is not present, then what is the victim to do? Most victims don’t realize that forgiveness is a choice on their part, no matter what the victimizer does, or does not, do. Furthermore, if the victimizer seeks reconciliation, that action and healing can only occur if the victim is willing and able to forgive. Forgiveness is always the victim’s, or the survivor’s, decision. Again and in addition, reconciliation is impossible except the victim/survivor is willing and able to forgive and the victimizer apologizes or restores that which has been taken or was lost. Now I have been using the verbs “willing and able” because there is something problematic concerning forgiveness—you can’t fully forgive until you can allow yourself to feel the pain you were caused. And in our Western society, it seems that everyone attempts to avoid pain, or any other emotion for that matter. This is why forgiveness can be tricky. And if we don’t feel that pain, something much more toxic will take its place—anger and revenge! This occurs because a person who does not allow the expression of pain unconsciously builds resentment. This resentment, as it builds, needs to find an outlet. This outlet may be a physical one, such as hypertension or headaches, but usually the outlet is a more psychological one, such as depression or anger (turned outward or inward towards one’s self).
I once worked with a gentleman who, after twenty years of work, was fired because of office politics. He came in to see me because of an addiction to pain pills. He was a very sophisticated individual and saw himself as an enlightened and intellectual individual. In groups, this man would make many wonderful insights into other group members. He revealed one day that he felt he was addicted to anger. Anger began to fill the void that drugs had occupied. He began to say in group, “Those bastards who took away my job… I did nothing wrong, they were intimidated by me and because of their power issues they fired me.” Of course, his former employer made no restitution, so therefore he could “never forgive them,” although at the time of his firing he had said to his wife, “Oh well, it’s not that big of a deal, I’m just going to forget about it.” He had prematurely forgiven his employer, which leads to resentment, which led him to become addicted to pain pills. Psychologically, the concept of “forget” is called “repressed.” And when something is repressed, it hangs around, under the surface, needing expression somehow, physically or emotionally. When pain is repressed, it drags down all the emotions associated with that pain, thus making forgiveness impossible, because on some level you are just “keeping score.” Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting. To forgive is simply to stop wishing for revenge or to stop wanting to see the other person suffer in some way. But forgiveness is not blind. Because trust has been violated you cannot just forget what happened or else the same thing might happen again.

The authentic self cycle is the antithesis to the shadow cycle. And as oil and water repel each other, so do the shadow and the light. As one increases in light, the shadow diminishes.
As a negative self-fulfilling prophecy occurred in the dysfunctional shadow identity cycle (negative beliefs lead to negative shadow behaviors, and negative shadow behaviors lead to negative shadow consequences that continuously feed the dysfunctional shadow identity), in the authentic self cycle, light beliefs, such as “I am a good person” lead to light behaviors, such as serving others, which lead to light consequences, which create a positive self-fulfilling prophecy, which in turn feed the authentic self. (For more on Jungian Archetypes, from which the light-and-shadow identities are derived, see attachment 1)

The Individual and the Community

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, we become.”

- Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

Many individuals find themselves in one of five character states or “camps”. Many of the reasons for an allegiance to these camps may have to do with genetics, environment or psychic makeup. However all of these allegiances have to do with choice.
Each of us creates our own reality—or in other words—our own paradigm. And to change these realities can be difficult, but often necessary.
It must be emphasized that through the following analysis, individuals can only have traits that are comparable with these camps, for everyone is their own diagnostic category. Thus it must be realized that the following “camps” are for use towards understanding, not for use towards labeling.
The “camps” to be introduced are flexible and by choice one can navigate in and out of each criteria. And indeed, as one will see, at times we can have our proverbial foot in two or three camps within a short period of time.

The biased
This is the camp in which all narcissists inhabit, for the biased, the world revolves around them and their own needs are of salient importance to themselves. However this camp is too broad to be inhabited by only the narcissists, for this is a camp that has been described in psychological theories in terms of “defenses”, for the biased is in defense towards more community oriented ideas of reality. Developmentally, this camp would be attributed to a dependent person, for the biased is truly in a state of reliance on other people for there support. And to contrast from the narcissist, a biased person can also rely on others to assume responsibility, and sometimes this overwhelming need of others can lead to neurosis and regression to earlier states of personal development. And neurosis can often find itself present in the next camp—the enmeshed. Everyone has been in this camp of the biased at one time or another and at birth everyone was exclusively a resident in this camp, for infants are totally dependant on others for their survival. A person in their early years relies on mother to feed, cloth and secure the person and although many adults do not need these basic physical needs, symbolically, many adults are psychologically dependent on others for their needs. The biased, and especially the narcissist can also be likened to an astronomical phenomenon—a black hole. These entities of outer space have attributes of such great gravity that even light itself can not escape its density. This is much like the biased, who would say “it is all about me”, “my wants, my needs”, “give me, give me.” As the black hole sucks the energy out a star or other heavenly bodies, the biased suck the energy out of people. But hopefully, most people can overcome this state of selfishness, to become a more fully functional being, however many people vacillate from this camp to other camps.
The best example of the biased person is the person who at a party is the first to talk about themselves. Indeed it is human nature to want to be understood and in some cases to be the center of attention, but the biased is the first to tell another about their accomplishments, their interests. Once another takes their turn to talk about themselves, the biased will become disinterested, unless in listening, they can gain something towards themselves through the process of the relationship. Of all of the camps, the biased are individuals who would understand the authentic concept of love the least.
The enmeshed
This is home of the neurotics and co-dependants. Much like the biased, the enmeshed are like black holes, with the distinction that the enmeshed are black holes who find other black holes to mutually suck one another’s energy away. In this seductive dance, the two enmeshed find a downward spiral of negativism and at times even destruction.
Once there was a young woman, who through a life of substance abuse and self destruction (e.g. cutting) found a friend at a local bar, who had a life similar to her own. At a very young age both of these women had been physically abused, and both of them had in turn been adopted through foster care. Both had lead a life of self mutilation, which lead them to residential treatment. The two instantly “hit it off”. Soon both of them were calling each other to go out to coffee and to double date. They began to talk about going into business with one another. Both of the women were into the “punk” scene and felt like they should design a line of clothing towards their interested style. After a short while, both of the women were seeing each other two, three, four times per day. They began to talk about the “old life” and started glorifying their old drug use. Slowly meeting for coffee, became meeting for marijuana, and then meeting for marijuana became meeting for heroin. As both of them slid down the path of self destruction, one of the women’s therapist began to become aware of the relapses and advised her to stop the relationship. This created a response of “I don’t have a problem and if I did, she has nothing to do with it.” They had both become two black holes stealing each others light and following a path of annihilation.
Oftentimes, the enmeshed can be much more subtle then the above example, such as the father and son, who need to spend all of their free time with each other, because they were filling the void of their lost mother and spouse. They become psychically tied to one another and the split can cause high levels of anxiety.
The enmeshed can be explained further by exploring the binary-orbital distortions found among them, which in some ways relate to the psychoanalytic concepts of
Transference (emotional reactions that are assigned to current relationships but originated in earlier experiences) added to the concept of parataxic distortions (inaccurate perceptions one has about actions, feelings, thoughts and motives of those with whom emotional relationships are found), however, binary-orbital distortions exist only in a one on one relationship. These distortions are parataxic distortions which are mutually shared. Much as the idea of shared delusions can have an effect on a group of religious zealots, who, for example belief that their leader is a god, such as the David Koresh clan of Waco, Texas in the 1990’s, those who have a binary-orbital distortion share almost identically the same distortion with each other. These distortions can only be found among the enmeshed, because there must be two who share these distortions and no more than this number of individuals. Also, binary-orbital distortions can be synonymous with mutual obsession.
Many times among the enmeshed these binary-orbital distortions are mistaken for love. Statements such as “you compete me”, or “I can’t live without you” are in essence binary-orbital distortions, because they show a surrendering of oneself exclusively to the needs of another. Again, the previous statements must be shared between the enmeshed for it to be a binary-orbital distortion. These feelings maybe felt as authentic, but often they are misguided notions of reality.
Now those who are of this camp can experience authentic love, however often times, their binary-orbital distortions are so severe that the two individuals become so “glued” onto each other, that they can not function outside of that union, essentially they become a selfish “one”, and their union is an alliance of mutually shared object interest. Many abusive relationships stem from this type of relationship. If we consider the Drama Triangle below, we can find the victim, rescuer and the persecutor of this triangle within this camp.

A person who experiences authentic love transcends the drama triangle, because they have the self respect to not be the victim, they are assertive enough to stand up to the persecutor, they are compassionate enough to not oppress and they are independent enough to not make excuses to rescue or collude. If they have been exposed to a traumatic event, these individuals through an understanding of choice with willingness to take charge of their lives, become survivors of the trauma. They understand that past trauma can be a profound influence on their lives, but they are not determined or controlled by this trauma.
Before we move onto the next camp, this would be an opportune time to introduce the following chart, the hierarchy of needs:

A Hierarchy of Human Needs
(Maslow, 1962; Miller, 1981; Weil, 1973; Glasser, 1985; Whitfield 1987)

Survival
Safety
Touching, skin contact
Attention
Mirroring and echoing
Guidance
Listening
Being real
Participating
Acceptance
Opportunity to grieve and grow
Support
Loyalty and trust
Accomplishment
Altering one’s state of consciousness
Sexuality
Enjoyment of fun
Freedom
Nurturing
Self Actualization

As we search these camps, one can see that each of these human needs can fit into each camp as a person’s character develops.
Now consider, if number 1 (Survival) and number 2 (Safety) are not being fulfilled in a person’s life, all of the other needs will not be met, because the individual is focused primarily on getting these two needs met. Indeed, guidance, listening, enjoyment of fun can not be fulfilled if a person is starving and searching for the next meal.
The biased and the enmeshed live their lives desperately seeking the first ten needs found on this list. They are obsessed with being accepted, finding guidance and attention. And their belief is that they are barely surviving. Their belief that the world in not a safe place stifles their growth and they live a life stuck in a negative cycle of toxic guilt and shame.
Now as we consider the camp self objectivist, it will be discovered that these individuals have fulfilled many of the lower ten human needs on this scale, and are actively engaged in fulfilling the remaining ten.
The self objectivist
The narcissists can have their foot placed in this camp as well as they can in the camp of the biased and enmeshed, but they can not maintain this camp for long, for this state is inhabited and maintained by independent people who are emotionally mature and in many ways have climbed to the top of the hierarchy of human needs to become “self actualized”, or have achieved a full development of one’s individual potentials (but only in the scope of one’s self). Whereas, the biased and the enmeshed are fixated in lower stages of development, e.g. physiological needs, safety needs, needs of belonging, etc. The self objectivist may have found balance in their lives. Many of society’s leaders are found among the self objectivist, but this camp can be very lonely as well.
For example: Sarah’s life was a life of organization and ambitions. She had graduated top of her class from a prestigious Ivy League university. Through self discipline and down and dirty hard work, she had made her little start up company into a fortune 500 organization. Sarah had three houses, a private jet and millions of dollars. She would date from time to time, but “relationships took too much effort… besides I need to focus on what is important in life, my career.” Eventually, Sarah was married to a wealthy engineer. However, Sarah started to wonder within herself, “Why do I feel empty? I have played all of the right cards?” And Sarah had met all of the goals that she had set out for herself to accomplish since college. Sarah even had a good heart and would often donate large amounts of money to charities. Wasn’t this who she was suppose to be? Western society would define Sarah’s life as an ultimate success? So why did her misery eventually lead her to find answers through psychoanalysis and quick fix self actualization seminars? Was it that her relationship with her father was a relationship of ambivalence, and because of object loss, through the death of a loved one at an early age, she had intellectualized and sublimated her life, as her analyst claimed? She was a very independent person and many people aspired to be her, so what was the answer to her predicament? Or maybe there wasn’t one?
The self objectivists are definitely more psychically and socially mature than the biased and the enmeshed. For the self objectivist has achieved formal reasoning and mature thought, and much of their cognition (thought) is in line with the folkways and mores (traditions and rules) of the established norms. They also have a smaller amount of thought distortions than do the biased and the enmeshed, for they can conceptualize outside of themselves or their immediate other. Indeed, this mature cognition is more complex than the abstract manipulations that are part of the repertoire of the biased and enmeshed. Cognition with the self objectivist is flexible, open and adaptable, unlike the dichotomous, all or nothing thoughts and attitudes of the previous two camps. Moreover, the self objectivist can at times function in the emotional realm and intellectual realm of thought and affect simultaneously, thus having a more objective view of reality, whereas the previous two camps vacillate between extreme emotion and intellectualization which often is the causal factor in acute thought distortions. The emotional and cognitive functioning of the self objectivist is post-formal in nature, meaning that as self objectivists deals with a chaotic world, they rely on subjective experience and intuitions as well as logic as navigators. They can deal with ambiguity, uncertainty, inconsistency, contradiction, imperfection and compromise. Indeed, unlike the previous two camps, the self objectivist can see the grays of reality, and do not think in terms of black and white (right verses wrong, intellect verses feelings, etc.).
As one can see, the self objectivist can be a “self actualized” individual, having overcome many of the dependent needs of the biased and enmeshed. However, as we will see, the self objectivist can be in touch with authentic loving, but has a difficult time maintaining it because of their nature of being “independent”—or focusing on the “one”.
The villager
This is the community oriented person, who is interdependent, realizing that he or she needs themselves and others to get what they both need and want. The villager understands that he or she can stand alone, but prefers to have a relationship with another to strive to find unity in balance. As with the self objectivist, the villager is a self actualized individual, however actualization doesn’t exist within the villager, but actualization occurs with others in the villager’s life—self actualization becomes community actualization.
Both the self objectivist and the villager experience authentic loving at times, the villager often experiences true love at an exponentially greater rate than does the self objectivist, because the villager’s understanding of reality often exists outside of his or her own need.
Earlier in discussions one and two, the example to the “classic love story” was told. The young man and women run into each other at a corner market and fall “instantly” and “madly” in love with one another. The question was alluded to: “Why didn’t their relationship work” The answer is in a greater understanding of the difference between the self objectivist and the villager. In this fictional story, which was previously discussed, both of these people were independent individuals. They both held good jobs and both wanted much of the same things from life; security, money, family, happiness. They seemingly had a strong foundation built on the ideals that were taught to them from an early age. So why didn’t the marriage take? There are many individuals like these two people.
Whereas the biased was likened to a black hole and the enmeshed could be two black holes sucking energy from one another, the villager is like a binary star, in orbit around each other. Independently each member of the binary system has an actualized amount of it’s own energy, however through its unity the system has even greater power and mutually benefits the other and the universe around it. Many marriages are based on either the enmeshed, self objectivists, or villagers, and the villagers are the ones who succeed, for they are built on mutual benefit and self-less action. But the villager even goes beyond this, for the villager is not only interdependent with a significant other, but interdependent with his or her ecology. Even in a great union of support between two people, authentic loving can be lost, when the union attempts to achieve love in exclusively in the realm of that union, because authentic love must occur outside the one, and many times “the one” is the union, because the couple has become united. And authentic love occurs outside unions, with those who at times do not reciprocate the loving action taken by the individual or the union. For example, the villager will be self-less even towards those who are selfish, like the narcissists. When there is no reward for a good deed, with the exception of furthering love, you will find the villager and especially the universalist, which will be explored through the next camp. The villager at times realizes this and has a greater understanding that the community is interrelated and what effects one part of the community, among one union or relationship, effects the whole community.
Thus we can see that the “classic love story” could not succeed in the realm of the union. Because the two individuals were only thinking of their own needs individually and at times within only their union or relationship. The conceptions possessed by the villager were not part of their schema and values, thus the union itself dissolved, for the union, or the relationship was not supported by the mutual energy of the community, nor possibly was it even allowed in the relationship.
In a marriage between villagers, the community is still current within the couple’s hearts. The needs of the community are of importance to the couple, which negates isolation within the union. Oftentimes, individuals get “stuck in the rut” of daily living—get up, go to work, come home, watch some television, go to sleep—they are satisfied and comfortable in a life of mutual isolation with each other. As the husband and wife become one through matrimony, they feel that they have arrived—“why concern myself with others, I have my one true love, and a couple of kids on the way.” They forget, or were never even aware that they live in an ecology, where one action has an effect on other actions and outcomes. If one couple begins to fall into mutual narcissism, the community might follow, and a status quo of narcissism will be established in that community.
The villager is aware of the fact that one must be active in their community and break the bonds of mutual narcissism found within many unions of people. To be active beyond one mutual relationship will bring energy and constant rejuvenation to that very relationship. And that union will be actively participating continuously in authentic loving of others.
The universalist
Universilists transcend the limits of being placed in a camp, it would be more appropriate to put them in a league. This individual has realized the vicissitudes of others and is oriented towards the “brotherhood of mankind” and has realized a spiritual side through love—which love comes through service to others. They are those who are extrinsic-interdependent, relying on the spiritual side of their nature. This individual would be associated with other titles such as solitary, sojourner, or even saint. They can be in tune with what is known as “Essence” which is synonymous with No-Mind (Existential), suchness (Zen), the eternal now, or God’s Will. Essence is essentially a state of mind in which one experiences love in it’s basic form, that of love in balance, love in synthesis, beyond the black and white, beyond the dichotomous notions of this-or-that. The universalist feels this in-tunement, or at-one-ment, for the universalist has past through the other previously mentioned camps and has gained an understanding of his or her own awareness of self, others, environment and the universe. The universalists experiences transcendence of the usual perceptions of alienation and isolation, and this comes as a unifying experience achieved through union with other people, nature, knowledge, religion, etc. Indeed, the universalist may feel rooted in a divine communion. The true universalist is in and of themselves authentic love, for they are full of the action of love, or charity. The universalists do not only operate in the realm of relationships between, but in relationships with-out. They are not merely in relationship with a spouse, a friend, a community, an ecology, but the universe.
The universalists are individuals who are active with C.O.R.E., as it applies to authentic love. CORE is an acronym representing: Cohesiveness (or balance), Orientation (or awareness), Resilency, and an understanding of the Existential. CORE will be discussed in more detail in later discussions. Sufficient for our current discussion, CORE is essentially the Universalist themselves; for they are balanced in their perceptions of reality as they chose to understand the synthesis (the grays) in life, not the dichotomies (black and whites) of life. The universalist is also active in perusing self awareness, for through self awareness, a greater understanding and wisdom, truth and authentic love can be conceptualized. And to be a universalist, we must realize acceptance by simply existing as we are.

Politics

In our day and age, politics are really interesting. Things seem to be much more black and white when looking at political history. The issues of Abraham Lincoln’s day were much more cut and dry. I notice that during this election I was very purple—I voted blue and red across the board. As a matter of fact, I didn’t come to a solid decision on many things until I was looking at the names and issues on the screen in the polling booth. I feel that the reason for this is simple, but complex. First: the Democrats have a tendency of being enablers. They seem to rescue too much. Maybe it is their bleeding heart stance on things (which isn’t a bad thing), but some of their policies seem to do more harm than good. For instance, their welfare policy… I believe that it takes power away from people, because they are essentially giving out fishes, instead of teaching people to fish… as the old saying goes. Second: the Republican’s have this belief that if they give the rich tax breaks, that it will benefit the poor... strange logic. Many of the rich are rich because they are also greedy. Why would someone who is greedy want to give a poor person a break? “That isn’t capitalism”. There were many other things about this past election which confused me. I will talk more about some of my other confusions with my next entry.

Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition