Many of my clients have been struggling with the concept of affirmations. I believe, because it is so easy for many of them to feed themselves negative messages about themselves. I have found this decent example of affirmations through my research:
Examples of Positive Affirmations
Positive affirmations can be used to reprogram your thought patterns and change the way you think and feel about things.
They are short positive statements that can help you focus on goals, get rid of negative, self-defeating beliefs and program your subconscious mind.
Here are some examples of positive affirmations related to various areas of personal development.
* I know, accept and am true to myself.
* I believe in, trust and have confidence in myself.
* I eat well, exercise regularly and get plenty of rest to enjoy good health.
* I learn from my mistakes.
* I know I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.
* I forgive myself for not being perfect because I know I'm human.
* I never give up.
* I accept what I cannot change.
* I make the best of every situation.
* I look for humor and fun in as many situations as possible.
* I enjoy life to the fullest.
* I have control over my thoughts, feelings and choices.
* I stand up for my beliefs, values and morals.
* I treat others with respect and appreciate their individuality.
* I contribute my talents and knowledge for the good of all.
* I make a difference whenever I can.
* I practice patience, understanding and compassion with others as well as myself.
* I commit to learning new things, remain open-minded and am the best that I can be.
* I live in the moment while learning from the past and preparing for the future.
The above are examples of positive affirmations you can use. Have fun creating your own and tailoring them to suit your own needs and tastes. Making the most of affirmations on a daily basis can uplift, inspire and motivate you.
One thing to keep in mind: Affirmations must be honest. Positive delusional affirmations, will yield little fruit. Be honest with yourself.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Dream Paralysis
Lately, I have had a few clients who reported that they have been having dream paralysis and have asked me to research it. The stories they tell me seem to follow similar patters. They describe themselves awake in the dream world for anywhere from a few seconds to 10 minutes, often experiencing hallucinations with dark undertones. As I researched this I found that cultures from everywhere from Newfoundland to the Caribbean to Japan have come up with spiritual explanations for the phenomenon.
Research strongly suggests that dream paralysis is related to REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep, and in particular REM sleep that occurs at sleep onset. Shift work, jet lag, irregular sleep habits, overtiredness and sleep deprivation are all considered to be predisposing factors to sleep paralysis; this may be because such events disrupt the sleep–wake cycle, which can then cause [sleep-onset REM periods].In other words, you experience just a piece of REM sleep.
Humans tend to think about the elements of the different stages of sleep as packaged nicely together. So, in REM sleep, you’re unconscious, experiencing a variety of sensory experiences, and almost all of your muscles are paralyzed (atonia). But in reality you can disassociate those elements.
In sleep paralysis, two of the key REM sleep components are present, but you’re not unconscious.
Narcolepsy, which can be linked with sleep paralysis, has a similar pathology. For narcoleptics, some of the elements of rapid eye movement can “come out of nowhere”.Sleep paralysis was first identified within the scientific community by psychologist Weir Mitchell in 1876. He laid down this syntactically old-school, but accurate description of how it works. “The subject awakes to consciousness of his environment but is incapable of moving a muscle; lying to all appearance still asleep. He is really engaged in a struggle for movement fraught with acute mental distress; could he but manage to stir, the spell would vanish instantly.”
But the condition lived in folklore long before anyone tried to subject it to even semi-rigorous study. The various responses have fascinated some researchers and they were cataloged in the 2007 book, Tall Tales About the Mind and Brain. In Japan, the problem was termed kanashibar. In Newfoundland, people called it “the old hag.” In China, “ghost oppression” was the preferred nomenclature.
A study released in 2009, found that more than 90 percent of Mexican adolescents know the phrase “a dead body climbed on top of me” to describe the disorder. More than 25 percent of them had experienced it themselves.
David McCarty, a sleep researcher at Louisiana State University Health Sciences Center’s Sleep Medicine Program, related the following personal experience he had, which prompted him to research sleep:
“Having an element of REM sleep mix with your consciousness is scarier than it sounds. I experienced sleep paralysis on several occasions when I was in college. I can testify: It’s run-to-your-mama scary. In my case, it would happen right as I was falling asleep on the two twin beds that I had taped together. The most vivid time, I 'woke up' with the uneasy feeling that something awful was to my left, on the border of my peripheral vision. I couldn’t really see it, but I knew that it was evil and coming closer to me. I felt true terror, like you experience when you are about to get in a car crash. I was sure it was going to hurt me.After a few minutes, I could finally move and took the opportunity to run across campus to a friend’s house and asked to sleep on the couch. With the lights on. It happened a few more times. Then, it just stopped. It hasn’t ever happened again. The good news, McCarty said, is that my experience is actually pretty standard. Sleep paralysis rarely persists or causes serious life damage. It’s very common, way more common than people realize, but usually it doesn’t recur, It’s not frequent enough to make people come in and ask the doctor for help.”
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Video Game Addiction
I have noticed a significant increase of compulsive behavior towards video games in the past few years. It doesn't seem to only affect adolescents, but many adults as well. I met my first video game addict four years ago. This 18 year old played “Halo” for almost 50 hour, while consuming nothing but “gaming fuel”, a.k.a. Mountain Dew. During our first session, the young man presented as if he had been using meth—His eyes were blood shot, his teeth looked black and his skin was a yellowish mountain dew.
Since that first session with the “Halo” addict, I have meet with dozens of clients who suffer from similar addictions, or compulsions towards video games. Lately, I have met with married men whose relationships are significantly impaired because of hours spent on “World of Warcraft”. This has prompted me to do a deeper investigation on the issue.
I have found that some children and adults who play video games may be as hooked on gaming as gamblers are to cards and slot machines. And what they see as an enjoyable hobby can negatively affect school work, employment and social interactions.
Researchers say they found in a national Harris Poll survey that 8.5% of youths 8 to 18 who play video games show collective signs of addiction that psychologists know exist in pathological gamblers, says Douglas Gentile, PhD, an assistant professor at Iowa State University.
“I think it’s analogous to gambling addiction, but not to the same exact form -- some play horses, others poker, others the slots... They’re all the same underlying type of problem, even though they look different if we just look at the mode of play.”
Video addicts among the 1,178 youths surveyed played much more often than casual gamers, made worse grades, fired up their computers to escape from reality, had more trouble paying attention in school, got in more fights, and were more than twice as likely to have been diagnosed with attention deficit disorders.
This study, which used an online questionnaire, is the first to document video game addiction among young people using a nationally representative sample.
Researchers used an 11-item scale based on accepted guidelines for pathological gambling, outlined in the latest edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, also known as DSM-IV.
Gamers were classified as pathological if they exhibited at least six of the symptoms.
The findings are published in the May 2009 edition of Psychological Science.
The most commonly reported symptoms of pathological game use included skipping chores to play video games, playing to escape problems or bad feelings, spending more time thinking about or planning playing, skipping homework to play video games, getting a poor grade because of playing video games. It’s still not known which youngsters are most at risk.
Signs of addiction include indications that kids need to play and feel pulled toward computers, a decline in interest in school work or a drop in grades, increased boredom when engaging in other activities, a tendency to skip household chores, and adeptness at coming up with excuses to avoid doing homework. And this can be attributed to adults as well.
Since that first session with the “Halo” addict, I have meet with dozens of clients who suffer from similar addictions, or compulsions towards video games. Lately, I have met with married men whose relationships are significantly impaired because of hours spent on “World of Warcraft”. This has prompted me to do a deeper investigation on the issue.
I have found that some children and adults who play video games may be as hooked on gaming as gamblers are to cards and slot machines. And what they see as an enjoyable hobby can negatively affect school work, employment and social interactions.
Researchers say they found in a national Harris Poll survey that 8.5% of youths 8 to 18 who play video games show collective signs of addiction that psychologists know exist in pathological gamblers, says Douglas Gentile, PhD, an assistant professor at Iowa State University.
“I think it’s analogous to gambling addiction, but not to the same exact form -- some play horses, others poker, others the slots... They’re all the same underlying type of problem, even though they look different if we just look at the mode of play.”
Video addicts among the 1,178 youths surveyed played much more often than casual gamers, made worse grades, fired up their computers to escape from reality, had more trouble paying attention in school, got in more fights, and were more than twice as likely to have been diagnosed with attention deficit disorders.
This study, which used an online questionnaire, is the first to document video game addiction among young people using a nationally representative sample.
Researchers used an 11-item scale based on accepted guidelines for pathological gambling, outlined in the latest edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, also known as DSM-IV.
Gamers were classified as pathological if they exhibited at least six of the symptoms.
The findings are published in the May 2009 edition of Psychological Science.
The most commonly reported symptoms of pathological game use included skipping chores to play video games, playing to escape problems or bad feelings, spending more time thinking about or planning playing, skipping homework to play video games, getting a poor grade because of playing video games. It’s still not known which youngsters are most at risk.
Signs of addiction include indications that kids need to play and feel pulled toward computers, a decline in interest in school work or a drop in grades, increased boredom when engaging in other activities, a tendency to skip household chores, and adeptness at coming up with excuses to avoid doing homework. And this can be attributed to adults as well.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Working Through Emotional Abandonment
It is important to identify the root cause of emotional abandonment and then begin to work through it. Here are some suggestions for re-establishing a loving connection with your spouse:
1. AGREE TO TALK
At some point you have to agree to talk about the problems that exist between you and your partner. If you’re going to resolve issues, there needs to be a mutual commitment to listen to the other person’s concerns and to work towards improving the situation. Don’t corner your partner with an unexpected lecture, but set a time and agree to start to work through your issues.
2. BE PREPARED
Before you have the talk, take the time separately to think through the unresolved issues that you’ll be discussing. What are your concerns in the relationship? In what areas do you feel you need to improve? What are your expectations of your loved one? To put your thoughts down on paper may be best, but either way, be prepared to be open and honest with each other about the real issues between you. Be sure to take the time to really listen to what your spouse is saying. Give each other uninterrupted time to share your view on things.
3. BE DIRECT BUT GENTLE
Neither of you has anything to gain by holding back your true feelings. Remember: unresolved issues lie at the heart of emotional detachment. So lay all your cards out on the table by sharing your hurts clearly. Don’t allow things to get out of hand. Be committed to talk through things sensibly. Take breaks to cool it if necessary but agree to continue. Ask each other the tough questions, and talk through the difficult issues that have been eating away at your relationship. Regardless of which partner initiated the wrong, you both need to work at resolving the problem.
4. BEGIN TO MEET UNMET NEEDS
Often a person pulls back from the relationship because, in their mind, their needs are not being met. A healthy marriage demands that both partners actively work to discern the needs of their spouse, and work to meet those needs. Seek to understand your spouse’s needs and ask yourself how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.
5. DEAL WITH YOUR OWN STUFF
If you are feeling abandoned by your spouse, you need to ask yourself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away? Now it may not be only your responsibility. Nevertheless, you have to find out what you are responsible for and take ownership for your actions. Really listen to your spouse. Of course, there are things that your mate needs to deal with, and they may be withdrawing from you for selfish reasons, but that can’t stop you from taking the steps that you know you need to take. Both parties must be prepared to make apologies and extend forgiveness as part of your recovery from the emotional detachment.
6. INTENTIONALLY RE-ENGAGE
If you are to re-establish your emotional connection, it won’t happen by accident and it won’t happen overnight. You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together. Plan a few dates and put each other in your schedules. It’s time to re-enter one another’s lives again.
7. ACT KINDLY
This may not be a revolutionary new idea, but it can have that kind of an effect on your marriage. You must act kindly toward your spouse. Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness, and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way toward renewing your bond with one another. Do this from the heart with real commitment to make the necessary changes.
8. LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY
Somebody has to break out of the negative cycle of eye-for an eye, poor treatment for poor treatment. You need to step out of the insult-for-insult cycle and respond differently. You cannot control your spouse’s behavior, but you can control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must choose to treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your partner is not reciprocating. And nothing breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love. Mercy is key. If you are looking for fairness in a relationship, you probably won't find it... Relationships are rarely fair.
9. SEEK COUNSELING
If you perceive that none of these other steps are helping you resolve your relational issues, seek counseling. Oftentimes, when a spouse is struggling with an extra-marital affair, or an addiction, the relationship has been wounded to the point that professional help will be one of the only ways to resolve these issues.
1. AGREE TO TALK
At some point you have to agree to talk about the problems that exist between you and your partner. If you’re going to resolve issues, there needs to be a mutual commitment to listen to the other person’s concerns and to work towards improving the situation. Don’t corner your partner with an unexpected lecture, but set a time and agree to start to work through your issues.
2. BE PREPARED
Before you have the talk, take the time separately to think through the unresolved issues that you’ll be discussing. What are your concerns in the relationship? In what areas do you feel you need to improve? What are your expectations of your loved one? To put your thoughts down on paper may be best, but either way, be prepared to be open and honest with each other about the real issues between you. Be sure to take the time to really listen to what your spouse is saying. Give each other uninterrupted time to share your view on things.
3. BE DIRECT BUT GENTLE
Neither of you has anything to gain by holding back your true feelings. Remember: unresolved issues lie at the heart of emotional detachment. So lay all your cards out on the table by sharing your hurts clearly. Don’t allow things to get out of hand. Be committed to talk through things sensibly. Take breaks to cool it if necessary but agree to continue. Ask each other the tough questions, and talk through the difficult issues that have been eating away at your relationship. Regardless of which partner initiated the wrong, you both need to work at resolving the problem.
4. BEGIN TO MEET UNMET NEEDS
Often a person pulls back from the relationship because, in their mind, their needs are not being met. A healthy marriage demands that both partners actively work to discern the needs of their spouse, and work to meet those needs. Seek to understand your spouse’s needs and ask yourself how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.
5. DEAL WITH YOUR OWN STUFF
If you are feeling abandoned by your spouse, you need to ask yourself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away? Now it may not be only your responsibility. Nevertheless, you have to find out what you are responsible for and take ownership for your actions. Really listen to your spouse. Of course, there are things that your mate needs to deal with, and they may be withdrawing from you for selfish reasons, but that can’t stop you from taking the steps that you know you need to take. Both parties must be prepared to make apologies and extend forgiveness as part of your recovery from the emotional detachment.
6. INTENTIONALLY RE-ENGAGE
If you are to re-establish your emotional connection, it won’t happen by accident and it won’t happen overnight. You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together. Plan a few dates and put each other in your schedules. It’s time to re-enter one another’s lives again.
7. ACT KINDLY
This may not be a revolutionary new idea, but it can have that kind of an effect on your marriage. You must act kindly toward your spouse. Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness, and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way toward renewing your bond with one another. Do this from the heart with real commitment to make the necessary changes.
8. LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY
Somebody has to break out of the negative cycle of eye-for an eye, poor treatment for poor treatment. You need to step out of the insult-for-insult cycle and respond differently. You cannot control your spouse’s behavior, but you can control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must choose to treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your partner is not reciprocating. And nothing breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love. Mercy is key. If you are looking for fairness in a relationship, you probably won't find it... Relationships are rarely fair.
9. SEEK COUNSELING
If you perceive that none of these other steps are helping you resolve your relational issues, seek counseling. Oftentimes, when a spouse is struggling with an extra-marital affair, or an addiction, the relationship has been wounded to the point that professional help will be one of the only ways to resolve these issues.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Emotional Abandonment (Concluded)
When a person is emotionally attached to someone (or something) else other than their partner, there is emotional withdrawal from the partner. A person in the midst of an affair becomes emotionally detached to avoid feeling, which may include guilt. The same holds true for someone who may be emotionally attached to some substance through addiction. That addiction takes over the person's life and he withdraws emotionally.
People who live in emotional abandonment also live in denial. Sometimes it is easier to deny issues than to face them. A person who is not prepared to deal with emotionally charged issues may just choose to live in denial that the issue exists.
Emotional abandonment is very often the prelude to the death of what was once a loving relationship. By recognizing the signs, as well as the causes... a couple can get the help they need to address their issues and move on into a healthier place in their relationship.
People who live in emotional abandonment also live in denial. Sometimes it is easier to deny issues than to face them. A person who is not prepared to deal with emotionally charged issues may just choose to live in denial that the issue exists.
Emotional abandonment is very often the prelude to the death of what was once a loving relationship. By recognizing the signs, as well as the causes... a couple can get the help they need to address their issues and move on into a healthier place in their relationship.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Emotional Abandonment (Continued)
...There is more arguing because there is less effective, healthy communication going on. The person who has emotionally checked out hears no opinion but his own and cares about no opinion but his own. These arguments can come quickly and are usually the result of feelings that do not get expressed on a daily basis. As a result, an explosion occurs.
Physical distance is also a factor in emotional abandonment. When a couple is going through an emotional abandonment issue, they often stay as far away from each other as possible. They spend time in separate rooms, go places separately, and go to bed at different times. Its almost as if they are not even a couple. They rationalize this by saying "He doesn't listen to me anyway, or he doesn't really care if I'm with him of not."
There are several reasons emotional abandonment can occur, and it can happen with either one or all of the reasons present.
A person who emotionally abandons a partner is often self absorbed. He simply does not see his partner's needs or wants. The world revolves around him, and unless his world is shaken in some way, he is unaffected. He does not even notice his partner's sadness, anger, or happiness
(To be concluded)
Physical distance is also a factor in emotional abandonment. When a couple is going through an emotional abandonment issue, they often stay as far away from each other as possible. They spend time in separate rooms, go places separately, and go to bed at different times. Its almost as if they are not even a couple. They rationalize this by saying "He doesn't listen to me anyway, or he doesn't really care if I'm with him of not."
There are several reasons emotional abandonment can occur, and it can happen with either one or all of the reasons present.
A person who emotionally abandons a partner is often self absorbed. He simply does not see his partner's needs or wants. The world revolves around him, and unless his world is shaken in some way, he is unaffected. He does not even notice his partner's sadness, anger, or happiness
(To be concluded)
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Emotional Abandonment
For as much as we hear of physical abandonment in a relationship, we hear little in regard to it's counterpart...emotional abandonment. Whereas physical abandonment is a withdrawal of someone's physical presence and support from a relationship, emotional abandonment is the withdrawal of feelings and emotional support. This is related to what John Gottman, a prominent marriage researcher, calls "Stonewalling"--one of the four horsemen of an apocalyptic toxic relationship (Other four horsemen are: Defensiveness, Criticism and Contempt).
Emotional abandonment occurs when one partner emotionally checks out of a relationship, and the results can be even more devastating than physical abandonment. When a person is physically abandoned by a partner, that person has no choice but to move on in his life without his partner. But with emotional abandonment, a relationship can linger on as people live in denial, afraid of facing the problem.
Emotional abandonment can be evidenced in several ways, and all signs may or may not be present.
In such a relationship, silence is common. One partner just stops communicating entirely because the other partner has stopped listening, or it could be because they have simply grown a bit bored with one another and don't know what to do to about it. A couple like this can spend an entire evening together and say no more than a few words to one another. They may go out to dinner and sit silently as they eat their meal. The silence that results from emotional abandonment is not a comfortable silence. It is one where a couple just has nothing to say to one another, and each moment that goes by is excruciatingly painful.
One-sided conversations are also a sign of emotional abandonment. Again, this comes about because one partner is no longer listening, and the other partner is not even tuned in enough to notice this or even care. These are the relationships in which one partner seems to be talking at his partner, not allowing any imput into what is being said. It is also evidenced when one partner is trying to tell the other something and keeps getting cut off.
(To be continued...)
Emotional abandonment occurs when one partner emotionally checks out of a relationship, and the results can be even more devastating than physical abandonment. When a person is physically abandoned by a partner, that person has no choice but to move on in his life without his partner. But with emotional abandonment, a relationship can linger on as people live in denial, afraid of facing the problem.
Emotional abandonment can be evidenced in several ways, and all signs may or may not be present.
In such a relationship, silence is common. One partner just stops communicating entirely because the other partner has stopped listening, or it could be because they have simply grown a bit bored with one another and don't know what to do to about it. A couple like this can spend an entire evening together and say no more than a few words to one another. They may go out to dinner and sit silently as they eat their meal. The silence that results from emotional abandonment is not a comfortable silence. It is one where a couple just has nothing to say to one another, and each moment that goes by is excruciatingly painful.
One-sided conversations are also a sign of emotional abandonment. Again, this comes about because one partner is no longer listening, and the other partner is not even tuned in enough to notice this or even care. These are the relationships in which one partner seems to be talking at his partner, not allowing any imput into what is being said. It is also evidenced when one partner is trying to tell the other something and keeps getting cut off.
(To be continued...)
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Shame
"Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to."
Mark Twain
One of the most striking contradictions that I have come across as a therapist is the discrepancy between the centrality of the affect of shame in humans, and the lack of attention shame has received in the study and practice of psychology. In my own training, I was taught to attend to a wide range of feelings: anger, fear, sexuality, excitement, sadness, but rarely, if ever, the feeling of shame. Shame is also avoided in the "real" world as well. In fact, most of us feel shame about feeling shame. As a result shame is rarely acknowledged to others, or even to oneself. In the last five years I have been paying much more attention to shame in working with my clients, and am amazed at how crucial attending to this feeling is to doing psychotherapy. As with any feeling, when shame is denied it will only resurface to create even more pain and havoc.
Unfortunately, shame is often unbearable. For example humiliation and mortification, which are part of the "shame family of feelings" may be so painful they may lead to violence or suicide. We may equate shame with being worthless, unlovable, unredeemable, or cut-off from humanity. It may evoke other painful feelings, rage at the one we feel shamed by, or terror that we will be abandoned, fragmented and/or overwhelmed with despair.
If distress is the affect of suffering, shame is the affect of indignity, transgression and of alienation. Though terror speaks to life and death and distress makes of the world a vale of tears, yet shame strikes deepest into the heart of man.... shame is felt as inner torment, a sickness of the soul....the humiliated one feels himself naked, defeated, alienated, lacking in dignity and worth.
Helen B. Lewis, a pioneer in recognizing the importance of shame to psychotherapy, argued that shame really represents an entire family of emotions. This family includes: humiliation, embarrassment, feelings of low self-esteem, belittlement, and stigmatization. Shame is often a central ingredient in experiences of being:
alienated
inadequate
helpless
powerless
defenseless
weak
insecure
uncertain
shy
ineffectual
inferior
flawed
exposed
unworthy
hurt
intimidated
defeated.
rejected
dumped
rebuffed
stupid
bizarre
odd
peculiar
different
Shame manifests itself physically in a wide variety of forms. The person may hide their eyes; lower their gaze; blush; bite their lips or tongue; present a forced smile; or fidget. Other responses may include annoyance, defensiveness, exaggeration or denial. Because the affect of shame often interferes with our ability to think, the individual may experience confusion, being at a loss for words, or a completely blank mind.
Shame is often experienced as the inner, critical voice that judges whatever we do as wrong, inferior, or worthless. Often this inner critical voice is repeating what was said to us by our parents, relatives, teachers and peers. We may have been told that we were naughty, selfish, ugly, stupid, etc. We may have been ostracized by peers at school, humiliated by teachers, treated with contempt by our parents. Paradoxically, shame may be caused by others expecting too much of us, evoking criticism when our performance is less than perfect. Some authority figures are never satisfied with one's efforts or performance, they are critical no matter what. Unfortunately, these criticisms become internalized, so that it is our own inner critical voice that is meting out the shaming messages, such as: "You idiot, why did you do that?," "Can't you do anything right?,"or " You should be ashamed of yourself," etc.
One source of shame is associated with the expression of certain emotions. In many families, as well as in many cultures, expression of such feelings as anger, fear, sadness or vulnerability, may be met with shaming reproaches, such as "Pull yourself together," "Don't be a baby," "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about," or "You don't have anything to be afraid of." Pride is also a feeling that is often met with shameful condemnations, such as "Who do you think you are, Mr. Bigshot?," or "You're getting too big for your britches." Often these shaming admonitions are internalized, so that when we get in touch with any of these "shameful feelings" we will automatically feel shame, and try to control or hide the feelings, or, at the very least, to apologize profusely for them.
Clearly these shaming inner voices can do considerable damage to our self esteem. These self criticisms, that we are stupid, selfish, a show-off, etc., become, in varying degrees, how we see ourselves. For some of us, the inner critical judge is continuously providing a negative evaluation of what we are doing, moment-by-moment. As mentioned before, the inner critic may make it impossible for one to do anything right, telling you that you are too aggressive, or not aggressive enough, that you're too selfish, or that you let people walk all over you.
SHAME AND COUPLES
Additionally shame is often at the root of marital discord. For example, if one member of the couple wants more intimacy, and/or communication than the other, both may feel shame as a result. The one wanting more intimacy may feel rejected and shamed for wanting too much, the other may feel shame for either not being comfortable with more closeness, or for wanting more distance than the other. The shame, because it is so painful, is often bypassed, and can turn into blaming each other (“You don’t love me!”, or “You’re too needy!”). Unfortunately this results in an increase in shame for both people, resulting in an escalation of blame, a vicious cycle that can have devastating results. In my work with couples, I focus on what each member of the relationship wants, or does not want, and to frame it in a way that minimizes both people’s shame and blame. Instead there can be the conversation that was prevented by the shame/blame cycle, decreasing hostile interactions and increasing an understanding of what the other wants.
Mark Twain
One of the most striking contradictions that I have come across as a therapist is the discrepancy between the centrality of the affect of shame in humans, and the lack of attention shame has received in the study and practice of psychology. In my own training, I was taught to attend to a wide range of feelings: anger, fear, sexuality, excitement, sadness, but rarely, if ever, the feeling of shame. Shame is also avoided in the "real" world as well. In fact, most of us feel shame about feeling shame. As a result shame is rarely acknowledged to others, or even to oneself. In the last five years I have been paying much more attention to shame in working with my clients, and am amazed at how crucial attending to this feeling is to doing psychotherapy. As with any feeling, when shame is denied it will only resurface to create even more pain and havoc.
Unfortunately, shame is often unbearable. For example humiliation and mortification, which are part of the "shame family of feelings" may be so painful they may lead to violence or suicide. We may equate shame with being worthless, unlovable, unredeemable, or cut-off from humanity. It may evoke other painful feelings, rage at the one we feel shamed by, or terror that we will be abandoned, fragmented and/or overwhelmed with despair.
If distress is the affect of suffering, shame is the affect of indignity, transgression and of alienation. Though terror speaks to life and death and distress makes of the world a vale of tears, yet shame strikes deepest into the heart of man.... shame is felt as inner torment, a sickness of the soul....the humiliated one feels himself naked, defeated, alienated, lacking in dignity and worth.
Helen B. Lewis, a pioneer in recognizing the importance of shame to psychotherapy, argued that shame really represents an entire family of emotions. This family includes: humiliation, embarrassment, feelings of low self-esteem, belittlement, and stigmatization. Shame is often a central ingredient in experiences of being:
alienated
inadequate
helpless
powerless
defenseless
weak
insecure
uncertain
shy
ineffectual
inferior
flawed
exposed
unworthy
hurt
intimidated
defeated.
rejected
dumped
rebuffed
stupid
bizarre
odd
peculiar
different
Shame manifests itself physically in a wide variety of forms. The person may hide their eyes; lower their gaze; blush; bite their lips or tongue; present a forced smile; or fidget. Other responses may include annoyance, defensiveness, exaggeration or denial. Because the affect of shame often interferes with our ability to think, the individual may experience confusion, being at a loss for words, or a completely blank mind.
Shame is often experienced as the inner, critical voice that judges whatever we do as wrong, inferior, or worthless. Often this inner critical voice is repeating what was said to us by our parents, relatives, teachers and peers. We may have been told that we were naughty, selfish, ugly, stupid, etc. We may have been ostracized by peers at school, humiliated by teachers, treated with contempt by our parents. Paradoxically, shame may be caused by others expecting too much of us, evoking criticism when our performance is less than perfect. Some authority figures are never satisfied with one's efforts or performance, they are critical no matter what. Unfortunately, these criticisms become internalized, so that it is our own inner critical voice that is meting out the shaming messages, such as: "You idiot, why did you do that?," "Can't you do anything right?,"or " You should be ashamed of yourself," etc.
One source of shame is associated with the expression of certain emotions. In many families, as well as in many cultures, expression of such feelings as anger, fear, sadness or vulnerability, may be met with shaming reproaches, such as "Pull yourself together," "Don't be a baby," "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about," or "You don't have anything to be afraid of." Pride is also a feeling that is often met with shameful condemnations, such as "Who do you think you are, Mr. Bigshot?," or "You're getting too big for your britches." Often these shaming admonitions are internalized, so that when we get in touch with any of these "shameful feelings" we will automatically feel shame, and try to control or hide the feelings, or, at the very least, to apologize profusely for them.
Clearly these shaming inner voices can do considerable damage to our self esteem. These self criticisms, that we are stupid, selfish, a show-off, etc., become, in varying degrees, how we see ourselves. For some of us, the inner critical judge is continuously providing a negative evaluation of what we are doing, moment-by-moment. As mentioned before, the inner critic may make it impossible for one to do anything right, telling you that you are too aggressive, or not aggressive enough, that you're too selfish, or that you let people walk all over you.
SHAME AND COUPLES
Additionally shame is often at the root of marital discord. For example, if one member of the couple wants more intimacy, and/or communication than the other, both may feel shame as a result. The one wanting more intimacy may feel rejected and shamed for wanting too much, the other may feel shame for either not being comfortable with more closeness, or for wanting more distance than the other. The shame, because it is so painful, is often bypassed, and can turn into blaming each other (“You don’t love me!”, or “You’re too needy!”). Unfortunately this results in an increase in shame for both people, resulting in an escalation of blame, a vicious cycle that can have devastating results. In my work with couples, I focus on what each member of the relationship wants, or does not want, and to frame it in a way that minimizes both people’s shame and blame. Instead there can be the conversation that was prevented by the shame/blame cycle, decreasing hostile interactions and increasing an understanding of what the other wants.
Spirituality and Addiction
I have been working with many people lately who identify themselves as "non-religious" and have problems with addictions. Since the root of addictions is often a spiritual issue, how does one resolve these issues without becoming religious?
Truly many people with addictions are put off by getting help, because they have heard that there is a spiritual element to recovery, and they do not feel that they can function within a spiritual framework. Some of the reasons that people with addictions feel strongly about this include:
* Not having a religious background, and feeling uninformed about religion and spirituality.
* Feeling that religion is about controlling people, and not wanting to be controlled or to be part of an approach that controls others.
* Recognizing the role of religions in war and other atrocities, and not wanting to be associated with them.
* Being an atheist -- believing that there is no God.
* Being agnostic -- believing that there is no way of knowing whether God exists, so it is hypocritical to pretend you know that there is a God.
* Having had an unpleasant or abusive experience with a member of a church or religious organization, particularly if they were in a leadership position.
* Having experienced or witnessed such severe abuse, pain or suffering, that the idea of a God who could have prevented this makes no sense in any positive way.
* Feeling uncomfortable with the idea that some religious doctrines associate human suffering with past failings or wrongdoings, and are somehow "deserved."
These are all valid reasons for rejecting or refusing involvement in a religious organization. But they do not, in themselves, exclude the person from discovering their own spiritual path. Many people are able to connect their spiritual path with an organized religion, but many others do not require a "religion."
So If Spirituality Is Not the Same as Religion, What Is it?
Spirituality is part of the human experience in which we explore who we are and what our life is about. This can include some of the following:
* Getting in touch with your own moral compass -- a way of knowing what is right and what is wrong according to your own beliefs and principles. These beliefs do not need to be handed to you by a religion, you can discover them by exploring your own thoughts and feelings.
* Learning to use your moral compass as a guide for how to live your life. For example, if you believe it is wrong to lie, finding ways to live more truthfully.
* Respecting yourself and others. People who grow up in abusive situations may find this difficult, but ultimately very fulfilling when they achieve it.
* Getting perspective on your problems. This includes recognizing that it is possible to improve your situation with willpower and support.
* Realizing that we all have human weaknesses, and letting go of pride that may be getting in the way of asking for help if you need it.
* Receiving and giving support to others.
Taking it Further
While these are spiritual activities that can help enormously with most people who are working on overcoming addictions, there are other spiritual activities that a smaller number of people are able to engage in. They are not essential to the recovery process, but may lead to a happier life.
* Discovering your unique gifts and talents, and creating a life that uses them.
* Forgiving people who hurt or abused you in the past.
* Seeking forgiveness from others.
* Gaining new insights -- "learning" from your experiences of addiction.
* "Giving back" to the community, for example, volunteering or working in the addictions field or related areas.
Truly many people with addictions are put off by getting help, because they have heard that there is a spiritual element to recovery, and they do not feel that they can function within a spiritual framework. Some of the reasons that people with addictions feel strongly about this include:
* Not having a religious background, and feeling uninformed about religion and spirituality.
* Feeling that religion is about controlling people, and not wanting to be controlled or to be part of an approach that controls others.
* Recognizing the role of religions in war and other atrocities, and not wanting to be associated with them.
* Being an atheist -- believing that there is no God.
* Being agnostic -- believing that there is no way of knowing whether God exists, so it is hypocritical to pretend you know that there is a God.
* Having had an unpleasant or abusive experience with a member of a church or religious organization, particularly if they were in a leadership position.
* Having experienced or witnessed such severe abuse, pain or suffering, that the idea of a God who could have prevented this makes no sense in any positive way.
* Feeling uncomfortable with the idea that some religious doctrines associate human suffering with past failings or wrongdoings, and are somehow "deserved."
These are all valid reasons for rejecting or refusing involvement in a religious organization. But they do not, in themselves, exclude the person from discovering their own spiritual path. Many people are able to connect their spiritual path with an organized religion, but many others do not require a "religion."
So If Spirituality Is Not the Same as Religion, What Is it?
Spirituality is part of the human experience in which we explore who we are and what our life is about. This can include some of the following:
* Getting in touch with your own moral compass -- a way of knowing what is right and what is wrong according to your own beliefs and principles. These beliefs do not need to be handed to you by a religion, you can discover them by exploring your own thoughts and feelings.
* Learning to use your moral compass as a guide for how to live your life. For example, if you believe it is wrong to lie, finding ways to live more truthfully.
* Respecting yourself and others. People who grow up in abusive situations may find this difficult, but ultimately very fulfilling when they achieve it.
* Getting perspective on your problems. This includes recognizing that it is possible to improve your situation with willpower and support.
* Realizing that we all have human weaknesses, and letting go of pride that may be getting in the way of asking for help if you need it.
* Receiving and giving support to others.
Taking it Further
While these are spiritual activities that can help enormously with most people who are working on overcoming addictions, there are other spiritual activities that a smaller number of people are able to engage in. They are not essential to the recovery process, but may lead to a happier life.
* Discovering your unique gifts and talents, and creating a life that uses them.
* Forgiving people who hurt or abused you in the past.
* Seeking forgiveness from others.
* Gaining new insights -- "learning" from your experiences of addiction.
* "Giving back" to the community, for example, volunteering or working in the addictions field or related areas.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
A Purpose
When I was in graduate school, I ran across a quote which changed my perception: Nietzsche described personal purpose so eloquently when he said, “He who has a why to live can bare with almost any how.” I realized then that I could accomplish anything I wanted to if I simply had a purpose behind it. However, as I began my training as a therapist, I realized that many people may have a why and a how, but still can not accomplish a goal, or grow or change. I became aware of the many psychological blocks that stunt growth within people, even if they had a reason and instructions, it still seemed as though they didn’t have an ability. I thought to myself, “That is strange… my client is ready and willing to change, he has a reason and he has acquired the skills, so what is the problem… why doesn’t he change?” One of the answers was revealed to me as I began to notice my interaction with my clients—Eureka! “It is the relationship that heals, and these clients can not do relationships”. In essence, People don't grow unless they are in a securely attached relationship.
I have found that half the problems that bring people to therapy result from a failure to grow up and stop alienating themselves. This seems to be a sickness that has increase from year to year in our society as a whole. And as people begin to focus on themselves and not on their relationships and community around them, they begin to isolate. This then in turn increases negative relationships, which prompts a person to hide themselves from the world even more. Our society as a whole is becoming more self-oriented and focused on the four preoccupations that are destructive to seek: Power, Gain, Lust and Popularity. Dysfunctional relationships are the symptom of society, but true loving, found through sacrifice and compassion is the remedy.
I have found that half the problems that bring people to therapy result from a failure to grow up and stop alienating themselves. This seems to be a sickness that has increase from year to year in our society as a whole. And as people begin to focus on themselves and not on their relationships and community around them, they begin to isolate. This then in turn increases negative relationships, which prompts a person to hide themselves from the world even more. Our society as a whole is becoming more self-oriented and focused on the four preoccupations that are destructive to seek: Power, Gain, Lust and Popularity. Dysfunctional relationships are the symptom of society, but true loving, found through sacrifice and compassion is the remedy.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Gas-Light Effect
Recently, I have met with a couple and discovered that the wife has been "gaslighting" her husband. I had never experienced this phenomenon in therapy before, and now have become very interested in it.
This is what it is: Gaslighting is a form of intimidation or psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory and perception. It is associated with Münchausen syndrome by proxy.
Here are some examples: The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person's environment without their knowledge, and to explain that they "must be imagining things" when they challenge these changes. Similarly, the Manson Family, during their "creepy crawler" burglaries of the late 1960s, would enter homes and steal nothing, but would rearrange furniture to upset and confuse residents.
According to psychologists Gass and Nichols, another relatively frequent form of gaslighting occurs when a husband has cheated on a wife. The husband may strenuously deny the affair and insist "I'm not lying; you're just imagining things." Further "male therapists may contribute to the women's distress through mislabeling the women's reactions. [...] The gaslighting behaviors of the husband provide a recipe for the so-called 'nervous breakdown' for some women [and] suicide in some of the worst situations."
Psychologist Martha Stout explains how sociopaths frequently use gaslighting tactics. Sociopaths are often cruel, manipulative or conniving, and moreover are often convincing liars who consistently deny wrongdoing. When coupled with the personal charm that can characterize sociopaths, many who've been victimized by sociopaths may doubt their perception.
Jacobson and Gottman report that some physically abusive husbands may gaslight their wives, even flatly denying that they've used violence.
References:
Prentice-Hall, ISBN 0-13-074781-5, p.81.
Santoro, 1994
Bishop, Victor George Witness To Evil Pages 19,146 & 147, Nash Pub., 1972 Accessed via Google Books August 13, 2009
Gass, Gertrude Zemon and William C. Nichols. 1988. Gaslighting: A marital syndrome. Journal of Contemporary Family Therapy, 10(1), 3-16.
Stout, Martha. 2005. The sociopath next door: the ruthless versus the rest of us. NY: Random House, ISBN: 9780767915816, pp. 94-95
Jacobson, Neil S. & John Mordechai Gottman. 1998. When men batter women: new insights into ending abusive relationships. NY: Simon & Schuster. ISBN 0684814471, p. 129-132.
This is what it is: Gaslighting is a form of intimidation or psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory and perception. It is associated with Münchausen syndrome by proxy.
Here are some examples: The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person's environment without their knowledge, and to explain that they "must be imagining things" when they challenge these changes. Similarly, the Manson Family, during their "creepy crawler" burglaries of the late 1960s, would enter homes and steal nothing, but would rearrange furniture to upset and confuse residents.
According to psychologists Gass and Nichols, another relatively frequent form of gaslighting occurs when a husband has cheated on a wife. The husband may strenuously deny the affair and insist "I'm not lying; you're just imagining things." Further "male therapists may contribute to the women's distress through mislabeling the women's reactions. [...] The gaslighting behaviors of the husband provide a recipe for the so-called 'nervous breakdown' for some women [and] suicide in some of the worst situations."
Psychologist Martha Stout explains how sociopaths frequently use gaslighting tactics. Sociopaths are often cruel, manipulative or conniving, and moreover are often convincing liars who consistently deny wrongdoing. When coupled with the personal charm that can characterize sociopaths, many who've been victimized by sociopaths may doubt their perception.
Jacobson and Gottman report that some physically abusive husbands may gaslight their wives, even flatly denying that they've used violence.
References:
Prentice-Hall, ISBN 0-13-074781-5, p.81.
Santoro, 1994
Bishop, Victor George Witness To Evil Pages 19,146 & 147, Nash Pub., 1972 Accessed via Google Books August 13, 2009
Gass, Gertrude Zemon and William C. Nichols. 1988. Gaslighting: A marital syndrome. Journal of Contemporary Family Therapy, 10(1), 3-16.
Stout, Martha. 2005. The sociopath next door: the ruthless versus the rest of us. NY: Random House, ISBN: 9780767915816, pp. 94-95
Jacobson, Neil S. & John Mordechai Gottman. 1998. When men batter women: new insights into ending abusive relationships. NY: Simon & Schuster. ISBN 0684814471, p. 129-132.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Personal Harmony
I have been pondering on what it means to live in harmony. Psychologically, the concept of harmony can be synonymous to balance, or added onto. Oftentimes when I speak of balance with my clients, I focus on the five aspects of self: intellectual, emotional, social, physical and spiritual. It is important to have balance in each of these areas of self, moreover, I have found that personal harmony is very much linked to each of these areas of self, maybe even can be conceptualized as the existential glue that works as a catalyst to more fully achieve personal balance. Living personal harmony, means to find your center. To hold that center no matter whether you are thinking intellectually, feeling emotionally, or doing physically, the center stays strong. That means achieving great inspiration but still having a firm grip on reality, grounded. That center is never missing. This idea follows with the concept of dialectics, and achieving a wise mind: When ideas become too dichotomous—black and white, or all or nothing—harmony is frustrated and balance is not achieved.
For the centered person everything becomes sacred, beautiful and whole. Whatever they are doing, they will use mindfulness to achieve focus. Nothing is trivial. A self-actualized person, a balanced, centered person, feels in harmony with everything.
A person who is content is the same, no matter who they are with, or where they are. They have the same inner quality. When meeting a beggar they are not different from meeting a king. When on stage they are identical to offstage. When alone they are no different then when they are with friends. This is the self-actualized person, they are completely natural. There is no need to pretend, there is no act to present. They practice between performances. Falsehood has no place in their life because the center is the axis around which they live their life. This includes being in pain. Can you imagine being self-actualized enough to welcome pain with the same loving kindness as you welcome pleasure—knowing that through the pain will come insight and strength. This is personal harmony.
And to reiterate, a key to personal harmony is that the person remains balanced. Their life is balance. They are never completely one-sided, they are never self righteous because they understand that everything in this world is built in duality and therefore to rigidly stand on one side or the other breeds imbalance. A person who is imbalanced will have significant swings of emotion from infatuation to resentment, elation to depression, attraction to repulsion. They may overeat and then starve. These same people, imbalanced, find extremes attractive, this is disharmony.
Balanced living is neither excess or deficiency. Neither overeating nor under eating. Never too much, never too little. Ideas center on moderation in all things. The result of balanced living is obvious. A balanced person will be at ease. Whatever the situation, the relaxed attitude will not be lost. Unconditionally, the lack of tension will stay. A person who is at the center is always at ease. Even if the death of a loved one comes, they will be at ease, their faith will give them comfort. They will receive death as they receive birth. If misery comes they will receive it as they receive joy, not discounting a season of grief, but not ruminating to excess. Whatever happens it cannot dislodge this person from their center. This relaxed attitude, this ease is also a consequence of being balanced.
Another key to Personal Harmony is the lack of tension. Lack of tension is one of the great witnesses to the self-actualized person. They are at ease, they do not get stressed under any circumstance and take all of life in their stride. Their mood changes for nothing. Nothing disturbs them, nothing dislocates them from their home in their heart, their centeredness. To such a person you cannot add anything, because their focus is on the Eternal. You cannot take anything away, you cannot add anything, they are fulfilled. Their every breath is a fulfilled breath, silent and blissful they need nothing within, except the companionship of God. This is the ultimate freedom for everything this person will do they will do out of love, kindness and commitment. There is no hunger, no desperation, no fear. For fear is the antithesis to faith.
Again, personal harmony is not only mental, it is physical. You can tell a happy person because their whole energy is centered in their navel area. That means that they understand the balance, centering techniques of the ancient mysteries. The normal person lives on the superficial level of life, out of balance and in their head. Their energy is all above their shoulders. You know it, you can feel it. When you see a person the first place you look at them where their energy sits.
Happiness can never been known on the surface. We may eat sugar, eat pasta or dance but unless this happiness is felt deeply then in the morning there is no sense of it. True life can only been known at the center. Living on the surface then only lukewarm life is possible. This is not authenticity. An inauthentic life is a shallow life. It is lived out of balance where high fluctuations of emotional disturbance permeates every event. One drama to the next. It becomes a daily routine of emotional turbulence of high and low, tension and surrender. This is a very unfulfilling existence although on the surface it may look rich and dramatic. It is shallow and in this heart and mind, there is no rest. For this person their interactions become inauthentic because they have not really lived in their true nature. All they have done is danced up and down all day giving the impression of life. Only authentic life can become authentic relationship, and anything that is authentic, is beautiful.
But to the person who is living from their heart, such arguments are trivial, they see both sides, they are aware of the totality of any particular reality. And because they are aware of the totality of any reality they are balanced, centered and unmoved by even the greatest of events.
With all of this said, keep in mind what Don Miguel Ruiz said was the fourth agreement to personal freedom “Always do your best”. He went on to say, “Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick... Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment; self-abuse, and regret”. Sometimes, we will be out of harmony, out of balance, but do your best and you will achieve balance, harmony and self and spiritual actualization.
For the centered person everything becomes sacred, beautiful and whole. Whatever they are doing, they will use mindfulness to achieve focus. Nothing is trivial. A self-actualized person, a balanced, centered person, feels in harmony with everything.
A person who is content is the same, no matter who they are with, or where they are. They have the same inner quality. When meeting a beggar they are not different from meeting a king. When on stage they are identical to offstage. When alone they are no different then when they are with friends. This is the self-actualized person, they are completely natural. There is no need to pretend, there is no act to present. They practice between performances. Falsehood has no place in their life because the center is the axis around which they live their life. This includes being in pain. Can you imagine being self-actualized enough to welcome pain with the same loving kindness as you welcome pleasure—knowing that through the pain will come insight and strength. This is personal harmony.
And to reiterate, a key to personal harmony is that the person remains balanced. Their life is balance. They are never completely one-sided, they are never self righteous because they understand that everything in this world is built in duality and therefore to rigidly stand on one side or the other breeds imbalance. A person who is imbalanced will have significant swings of emotion from infatuation to resentment, elation to depression, attraction to repulsion. They may overeat and then starve. These same people, imbalanced, find extremes attractive, this is disharmony.
Balanced living is neither excess or deficiency. Neither overeating nor under eating. Never too much, never too little. Ideas center on moderation in all things. The result of balanced living is obvious. A balanced person will be at ease. Whatever the situation, the relaxed attitude will not be lost. Unconditionally, the lack of tension will stay. A person who is at the center is always at ease. Even if the death of a loved one comes, they will be at ease, their faith will give them comfort. They will receive death as they receive birth. If misery comes they will receive it as they receive joy, not discounting a season of grief, but not ruminating to excess. Whatever happens it cannot dislodge this person from their center. This relaxed attitude, this ease is also a consequence of being balanced.
Another key to Personal Harmony is the lack of tension. Lack of tension is one of the great witnesses to the self-actualized person. They are at ease, they do not get stressed under any circumstance and take all of life in their stride. Their mood changes for nothing. Nothing disturbs them, nothing dislocates them from their home in their heart, their centeredness. To such a person you cannot add anything, because their focus is on the Eternal. You cannot take anything away, you cannot add anything, they are fulfilled. Their every breath is a fulfilled breath, silent and blissful they need nothing within, except the companionship of God. This is the ultimate freedom for everything this person will do they will do out of love, kindness and commitment. There is no hunger, no desperation, no fear. For fear is the antithesis to faith.
Again, personal harmony is not only mental, it is physical. You can tell a happy person because their whole energy is centered in their navel area. That means that they understand the balance, centering techniques of the ancient mysteries. The normal person lives on the superficial level of life, out of balance and in their head. Their energy is all above their shoulders. You know it, you can feel it. When you see a person the first place you look at them where their energy sits.
Happiness can never been known on the surface. We may eat sugar, eat pasta or dance but unless this happiness is felt deeply then in the morning there is no sense of it. True life can only been known at the center. Living on the surface then only lukewarm life is possible. This is not authenticity. An inauthentic life is a shallow life. It is lived out of balance where high fluctuations of emotional disturbance permeates every event. One drama to the next. It becomes a daily routine of emotional turbulence of high and low, tension and surrender. This is a very unfulfilling existence although on the surface it may look rich and dramatic. It is shallow and in this heart and mind, there is no rest. For this person their interactions become inauthentic because they have not really lived in their true nature. All they have done is danced up and down all day giving the impression of life. Only authentic life can become authentic relationship, and anything that is authentic, is beautiful.
But to the person who is living from their heart, such arguments are trivial, they see both sides, they are aware of the totality of any particular reality. And because they are aware of the totality of any reality they are balanced, centered and unmoved by even the greatest of events.
With all of this said, keep in mind what Don Miguel Ruiz said was the fourth agreement to personal freedom “Always do your best”. He went on to say, “Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick... Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment; self-abuse, and regret”. Sometimes, we will be out of harmony, out of balance, but do your best and you will achieve balance, harmony and self and spiritual actualization.
Responding to bipolar disorder
How do we respond to those who struggle with bipolar? Here are some helpful ideas:
Separate your loved one from her disorder. Understand that bipolar disorder causes severe mood swings. Realize that your loved one can go from dramatic highs to devastating lows quickly. Use this knowledge to forgive otherwise unpleasant behaviors. Diffuse his or her anger or frustration with kindness and laughter.
Anticipate when episodes will occur. Prepare for the mood swings to increase your effectiveness during trying times. Look for warning signs of a manic episode, which may include sleeplessness, increased activity, or preoccupation with minute concepts. Indicators of a depressive episode may include decreased motivation, feelings of insignificance, or nightmares. Monitor your loved one's usual behavior to spot different or worsening symptoms.
Speak as the voice of reason during manic episodes. Use a reassuring tone to provide realistic objections to impulsive ideas. Examples include advising your mother against gambling with her rent money, or convincing your husband that abruptly quitting his job isn't appropriate. Avoid getting frustrated, as this may drive your loved one into a frenzy.
Practice active listening when talking with your bipolar loved one. Respond to dialogue with open-ended questions. Repeating back important phrases and nodding can also show interest. This helps build self-confidence and can combat depressed feelings.
Provide support and encouragement regardless of his or her reactions. Explain the importance of staying on a treatment regimen, which may include medication. Establish situations in which seeking medical advice is appropriate. Stay specific in the agreements to avoid allegations of being too controlling or intrusive. Examples include establishing limits on sleepless nights or bouts with depressing thoughts.
Separate your loved one from her disorder. Understand that bipolar disorder causes severe mood swings. Realize that your loved one can go from dramatic highs to devastating lows quickly. Use this knowledge to forgive otherwise unpleasant behaviors. Diffuse his or her anger or frustration with kindness and laughter.
Anticipate when episodes will occur. Prepare for the mood swings to increase your effectiveness during trying times. Look for warning signs of a manic episode, which may include sleeplessness, increased activity, or preoccupation with minute concepts. Indicators of a depressive episode may include decreased motivation, feelings of insignificance, or nightmares. Monitor your loved one's usual behavior to spot different or worsening symptoms.
Speak as the voice of reason during manic episodes. Use a reassuring tone to provide realistic objections to impulsive ideas. Examples include advising your mother against gambling with her rent money, or convincing your husband that abruptly quitting his job isn't appropriate. Avoid getting frustrated, as this may drive your loved one into a frenzy.
Practice active listening when talking with your bipolar loved one. Respond to dialogue with open-ended questions. Repeating back important phrases and nodding can also show interest. This helps build self-confidence and can combat depressed feelings.
Provide support and encouragement regardless of his or her reactions. Explain the importance of staying on a treatment regimen, which may include medication. Establish situations in which seeking medical advice is appropriate. Stay specific in the agreements to avoid allegations of being too controlling or intrusive. Examples include establishing limits on sleepless nights or bouts with depressing thoughts.
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