The following was written by one of my clients. His post gives great insight into how our society needs to have more compassion on individuals who struggle with different addictions, especially with addiction that our society does not want to understand--and the danger of failing to understand leads to a perpetuation of the problem. If we want a sickness to end, we, as a society need to not be afraid to look at the sickness and those who struggle, on all sides of the issue. As you read this post, please understand that this individual has paid "his debt to society", but is still being stigmatized and haunted by his past--not because of his lack of therapeutic progress, but because of a society who will not accept and reintegrate an adult who was also molested as a child and now can not find a place in this world. This client uses a pen name:
We as a society are failing to do our duty to help those children who were sexually abused. The problem is they don’t stay children for ever and eventually grow up to be adults who were molested as children. A child living everyday with an abuser has an effect on that child.
A good number of these people were afraid to speak out when they were children. They were afraid they would get into trouble or afraid they would be hurt and punished more if they tried to get help. Some feared being killed. Some feared if they didn’t continue trying to please the abuser then their younger brother or sister would become a victim, so they continue to sacrifice and please to protect the younger. Some abuse started at such a young age that they didn’t know what was happening was wrong for a very long time. And when they learned and knew it was wrong they could not understand how something that felt so good physically could be so wrong.
All to often these kids grow up holding all these horrible events they’ve experience to themselves. They feel an immense amount of shame and guilt for the things that happened to them. They live with many regrets of things they were coerced, manipulated or forced to participate in.
As they become teens and adults they seek ways to manage and deal with these overpowering thoughts and feelings of shame and regret. They end up acting out in some way to deal with the stress of the things that happened to them and the social shame they feel surrounding the topic of sexual abuse. Some turn to drugs, some become work-a-holic’s. Some turn to pornography. Most have an unhealthy sense of sex. Some grow up to hate sex, sex becomes such a negative force in their life that its easier to just hate sex and anything associated with it. Some turn to doing the only thing they have ever know to deal with the stress and that is sexual abuse.
Trying to get help or finding help is next to impossible. They think they can manage to make it. But regardless of what has happened to them as children if they had ever initiated or acted out by abusing another they are automatically labeled as a child sex offender, gay, rapist etc. Then it is too late. From that point on none of their history matters. And seeking help is analogues to seeking imprisonment. Them acting out is their best attempt of dealing with the pressures of their life and is their attempt to seek help given the legal and social environment. The longer this cycle continues the more difficult it becomes for them to actually get any help and to begin to heal.
Because our laws force mandatory reporting of sexual abuse. And the general societies views on sexual abuse is still to just lock them up and cut off their nuts/penis. There is no hope for these children who are sexually abused and then become adults before they find a path to help. On top of that is the constant fear that those they have abused will one day seek help and press charges. This is a disease much worse than cancer as there is no escape from what has happened and there is no escape from the regret and shame of the actions and things we have done to others.
So these adults who were molested as children and are now acting out abusing themselves with drugs, pornography, or acting out themselves against other children will continue another generation of children who are molested. As long as we as a society continue to shame those and lock them up and hope they come out of prison fixed or at least scared enough to abstain from getting caught. We will never be able to help those children who are abused and crying for help.
I’ve sought help for most of my life, always afraid of losing everything good in my life. Never being able to really heal because there are some things I’ve done that I can not talk about because I fear they would place me in prison and end any help I may be getting. I’m not willing to give up living. I’m not willing to give up trying to do what is right. I’m not willing to give up overcoming the horrible events of my childhood. I’m not willing to give up striving to become a better man. I am not the man I was supposed to be, I am not the man I wanted to be. I also never got to be the kid I wanted to be.
And I will NO longer be denied my right to heal.
I still have many faults. I regret many of the things I’ve done in my past. I regret them because each one of those acts killed a part of the spirit of those who were involved. Each one of those acts destroyed a great relationship. Each one of them filled the hearts of those I knew with shame, disgust and hate.
Anthony Taylor Carden
15 comments:
This post brought me to tears. The pain and anguish is so evident through the words and the sickening feeling in my stomach is terrifyingly close to my throat.
It is so hard to know what to say. "I understand?" At what point is a person responsible for his/her behavior? Is there any direct evidence that child abusers were also victims- always? What about when that child grows up to become a football coach for a top university; or, he becomes a doctor-- someone who is supposed to heal?
Knowing that your client has paid his "debt to society," and trusting you for the courage that it takes to present this point of view, stirs compassion for Anthony. I read his words and I know I could have written some of them myself:
"A good number of these people were afraid to speak out when they were children. They were afraid they would get into trouble or afraid they would be hurt and punished more if they tried to get help...Some abuse started at such a young age that they didn’t know what was happening was wrong for a very long time. And when they learned and knew it was wrong they could not understand how something that felt so good physically could be so wrong. All to often these kids grow up holding all these horrible events they’ve experience to themselves. They feel an immense amount of shame and guilt for the things that happened to them. They live with many regrets of things they were coerced, manipulated or forced to participate in. As they become teens and adults they seek ways to manage and deal with these overpowering thoughts and feelings of shame and regret. They end up acting out in some way to deal with the stress of the things that happened to them and the social shame they feel surrounding the topic of sexual abuse."
What makes one person turn to drugs and one to become a work-a-holic? What makes one person turn to pornography? What makes one person become an abuser, and another person turns the abuse on him/herself?
Is there really hope for any of us, Jade? Is it even possible for society to "address" these issues, or is it really between the abuser, the abused, God and Satan? Can any of this be repaired in this life?
Anthony is still here on earth and I believe there must be a purpose. I hope he can discover that purpose. I pray that he has the strength, humility and faith to utilize the Atonement and not rely on fear or mortal willpower to heal or to "put off" his addiction.
What I'm left with after reading this post and responding is incredible sadness. I hear and feel the inner child that is peeking out from his hiding place within Anthony.
I hope that Anthony knows that what cannot be mended in this life will be made right in heaven as long as he continues to repent and lives faithfully and obediently.
"Behold, I do not condemn you; go your ways and sin no more; perform with soberness the work which I have commanded you." (D&C 35)
December 1, 2011 9:08 AM
The heartbreak of the Penn State child sexual abuse situation has the attention of most people in this country and probably abroad. Now is the time to bring it to the surface.
Child sexual abuse is clearly no longer a subject that can remain secret. The abusers and victims cross all socio-economic, gender, race, religious and ethnic lines. No one will be safe until we are willing to consider that there is a chain of sorrow, shame and sickness on all sides of child sexual abuse. Where does that chain begin and where does it end?
I don’t know the percentage of abusers that were once victims. I don’t know where to draw the line between personal choice and being incompetent to choose. I don’t know if some people are just evil, soldiers of Satan that have morphed from spirit to physical form.
However, I believe that we are all born pure and with infinite potential and I know that abuse begets abuse. I also know that what we’re doing as a society to stop child sexual abuse is not working; because, there are new victims every day.
Punishing the abuser without ensuring adequate mental health services for the victim is like trying to rid a garden of weeds without, digging deep and getting to the root system. We must “rid the system of the poison" so that the person can thrive and reach his/her full potential.
I posted a link to this article on Facebook along with a challenge to my friends to start a respectful dialogue. I was curious (and doubtful)if anyone would be part of the conversation. Two friends "liked" it. One friend commented briefly (after I told her that no one had commented). I can't believe that no one engaged in the conversation.
Please keep in mind how complex this issue is. There is pain on all sides of this issue. Though it is true that the law needs to deal with perpetrators, they also need help, b/c if perpetrators do not deal with the core issues driving their addictions they will likely re-offend. A question was asked, "will those abused offend themselves when they get older?" The answer is "No, not in all cases". It is true that potential increases, but if the trauma is addressed a processed through, the likelihood greatly diminishes!
There are many commonly held beliefs about sexual abuse. One is that abusers are always men. In fact, reports of female perpetrators are on the rise, involving both male and female victims. At least 5% of abusers are known to be women. Another myth is that the abuser is usually a stranger. More than 70% of abusers are immediate family members or someone very close to the family. Remember - bad guys don't always look bad; they're often the people we love. A third myth is that the abuser is always hated. Often the victim loves and protects the perpetrator. Some children feel "special" about the abuse. It may be the only attention or physical contact they're getting. Because of this, some survivors even into adulthood will deal with the abuse by minimizing it. Thus, they make the abuser and the events "OK", to make it feel like they're okay. An additional myth is that only females are sexually abused. In fact, 30% of all male children are molested in some way, compared to 40% of females.
If you are one of the survivors, you are acutely aware that these numbers represent much more than statistics. They represent the pain and anguish and shattered dreams of so many individuals. You are also aware, if you are a survivor, that it's often not the mysterious stranger in a trench coat who commits this type of crime. Typically it's a friend, a parent, someone you love and trust - and it often happens at home. The effects of this kind of brutal betrayal are shattering and may last a lifetime.
Specialists in the addiction field (alcohol, drugs and eating disorders) estimate that up to 90 percent of their patients have a known history of some form of abuse. Recent studies point out that substance abuse, including "food abuse," is a frequent aftermath of early sexual abuse. Current studies demonstrate that the vast majority of children and adolescents who attempt suicide have a history of sexual abuse as well. However, many individuals are resistant to seeking treatment for sexual abuse. This is especially true for males and adolescents. Men are often extremely reluctant to admit to any history of abuse and often fail to identify it as such. Many survivors are in denial of the effects of early abuse and may fail to see any connection with later tendencies toward ongoing abusive relationships, feelings of self-loathing, inability to trust, or problems with intimacy. Some patients denigrate themselves further, claiming that their abuse could not have been "as bad" as that of other victims. All abuse is bad.
Thank you for the thoughtful and thorough reply. I don't think my questions have answers.
The sad truth is that "yes" sexual abuse is happening on a daily basis. As Jade pointed out, it most often happens in the home with someone you know. As I have been going thru my healing process I have learned that we all have our own agency. As a victim of sexual abuse, our agency was taken away, even for just one moment it was gone. And yes, from that abuse, our lives are changed forever. One of the comments that stuck out to me is in regards to the repressed memories. As a victim of repressed memories, it has been over 30 years since my initial abuse. One of my perpetrators is deceased. The other his parents moved him out of state shortly after the incidence. I have chosen to not come forward any further in looking for him. That is a choice I will have to live with. I will always wonder if he has daughters, and I will always wonder if I made the right choice. Children have the right to be protected. Sexual abuse has to stop, and if we as victims, knowing how much it hurts, can protect even one child, it is worth the pain.
I am sitting here crying. Just crying for the pain and sorrow I feel emanating from this post and the responses. I would be one of the people who chooses to protect my abuser. I don't know where the line is between someone being held responsible for their actions or showing forgiveness and compassion for the hurt that they themselves must be experiencing. I have felt that it is more manageable to blame and hurt myself than it is to admit how devastated I am from being hurt by someone I love. I live in confusion and pain, and I don't want anyone else, even those who wrong me to feel how I feel. I don't know what the answers are for the many questions and concerns that arise from this topic. I do know that I will ere on the side of compassion because I hope that in turn I will be shown compassion.
Butterfly Tears,
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your sadness.
It is important to share our painful experiences with safe people. Sharing diminishes the experience of the pain.
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