Erickson's Story

Dr. Erickson (anonymous name) had been meeting with me for over six months when he wrote this history. Dr. Erickson was an older gentlemen, middle aged, married with older college aged children. As you read his story, focus on how his familial relationships, along with peer relationships affected his attraction towards men and how these relationships also affected his addictions.

I’m addicted to pornography and have been for many years. I have had periods, even long periods of staying away from it. But it always seems to come back into my life. I have had a compulsive masturbation habit and I have same-sex attraction issues dating back to my early teenage years. I’ve have had numerous adult male sexual encounters over periods of years.

My earliest recollection of exposure to pornography was at my cousin’s house when I was 9 or 10. My uncle had a Playboy in the house and my cousin showed it to me while we were home alone. I don’t remember what I saw but I remember feeling an incredibly intense feeling. When I was about 11 years old I started masturbating. I remember being immediately hooked to this habit. I knew it was wrong and it made me feel guilty but it also made me feel good. I, of course, hid it from everyone. I was shy and a fairly insecure person. All it did was feed on these feelings and made me feel all the worse but strangely, also helped me to cope with the stresses of that time of my life. Over the period of my teenage years I did it several times a week. Each time struggling to stop, realizing how it made me feel. But with each effort to stop came the urge to keep going. I feel Satan had his hooks in me at an early age. I take full responsibility but it seems that Satan has buffeted me unceasingly all of my life. Although I did this, I was active in the Church and always had a very strong testimony even at a very early age. I loved the gospel and have very good memories of my early life in the Church. I served in the presidency of all of the Aaronic Priesthood quorums and worked hard to compensate. I would get positive feedback from adults and wanted to please people. But I still felt inadequate and weak.

When I was about 12 or 13, I discussed these kinds of things with my friends and found they were doing the same things. As we discussed it, one of my friends suggested we masturbate together and touch each other. For several months I resisted. But I wanted to do it and finally I relinquished. For a period of about 2 years three friends and I would masturbate together and had oral sex. It felt great but I knew it was wrong. Pornography during this time was magazines that we would periodically get a hold of. I also knew it was wrong and I would vow to never repeat it. I felt totally conflicted. It seemed to relieve the pain and loneliness that I seemed to feel due to my shyness and insecurity about myself. It made me feel a part of something. It was incredibly selfish in retrospect but I didn’t fully realize the danger. This occurred through middle school. My mother actually asked me about it at one point because she became suspicious. This was very uncharacteristic of her. I talked with my mother and father about it and told them what I had been doing. It hurt them a lot and I felt I had totally let them down. My parents and I didn’t discuss it much after that.

I have wondered how my family relationships, particularly with my parents, were instrumental in my development of same sex attraction and addictive behavior patterns. I place no blame on anyone, including myself, as I believe this has not role in recovery. There were no overt abusive tendencies in my family and certainly no sexual abuse ever occurred…at least that I can remember. I had wonderful and caring parents who did the best they could.

My father was distant from me in many ways. I don’t really remember him showing me any physical affection until I was into adulthood and then rarely. I was equally distant from him. I don’t really know if I was afraid of him or if it was just my nature, but I didn’t want to show him much affection either. I didn’t feel “connected” to my father and never felt comfortable with any type of vulnerability or intimacy with him. He was a great athlete throughout his life. He coached sports at the jr. high and high school level mostly before I can remember. Later he became more involved with education/school administration. As a child I was afraid of participating in sports. I felt awkward and shy. I felt vulnerable to ridicule and criticism. Although I don’t remember my father ever doing that, I felt painfully aware of his disappointment in me. It may have been in my own mind but I don’t remember him ever saying anything that would dispel the feelings.

My relationship with my mother was different. As a small child I remember being very close to her. I remember sitting on her lap and being rocked when I was sick or just needed it. She shielded me in many ways when I look back on it. The problem I had with my mother was that I wouldn’t be honest with my feelings. I had a great desire to please her and make her proud of me and couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to her about things that bothered me. Actually the same with my father but I felt that was more difficult. In retrospect I felt some how demasculinated in my home growing up. My parents didn’t do that on purpose nor were they overtly emotionally abusive. It was my perception and we didn’t communicate well.

At one time late in high school I felt bad enough about the experience with my friends that I told my Bishop. He didn’t really follow-up with me and the masturbation problem continued. I didn’t confide in anyone else.

It was at this time that I started high school and we gradually stopped doing these things together. But I thought about it a lot. I became more involved in high school activities and less with these friends. However, the problem with masturbation continued through high school. I dated girls and had a very active and good high school experience. I never felt strong sexual feelings toward girls even though I dated a lot. But I do remember being very curious about guys.

When I graduated from high school I knew I had a year of college before my mission. I wanted to be a missionary since a small boy. I knew I couldn’t go on my mission with this problem and struggled for a year to control myself and did quite well. I still felt I could pray. A few months before I was to put in my papers Satan’s buffeting seem to worsen. I went into a depression that caused a pain that up to that point I hadn’t experienced. At one time, while in a park, I was enticed by an older college student to go to his apartment. I avoided the situation and nothing happened but I remember feeling an intense curiosity and guilt.

Upon my mission interview I again told my Bishop (who had been my young men’s president) generalities of my friends’ encounters. I felt at that time in my life I had control and had an intense desire to be a missionary. He felt I was ready and frankly so did I at that point.

I served an honorable mission and had no serious problems while on my mission. I continued to feel extraordinarily inadequate however at everything I did. This despite what might be considered outward success. I never felt I could live up to my own expectations.

When I returned home from my mission I went back to college. One time I remember being in SLC and walking the street. I was by myself. I entered a bookstore. Lined on the side was a variety of pornographic magazines. Although I remember feeling very embarrassed I picked up several of them and thumbed through them. The ones that enticed me were homosexual in nature and the carnality tantalized me. I felt awful. But the images of these magazines now were in my mind and kept racing through my mind. I returned to this place any time I could.

Some times during this time I fell back to masturbation. However I don’t remember the particulars and overall I was very happy over the next 2 years with my friends and the college experience. I had no sexual encounters and some how learned to live with the problem. I told no one of these problems I was experiencing.

My wife and I dated and I asked her to marry me. I didn’t tell her of these problems and our courtship was clean. I remember wanting to have a traditional marriage and family. I loved my wife but was confused that I didn’t feel this overwhelming sexual desire that everyone kept warning me would be there. I was uncomfortable talking about the subject with anyone. I thought that if I did the right things everything would work out. I don’t remember having masturbation problems during this time but likely did.

After we were married I again fell into a very deep depression for about a year. I struggled just to survive day to day. During this time of my life when is should be the very happiest, I was in deep despair. And honestly I couldn’t figure out why. It affected my wife. She thought it was her that caused it and I struggled not to show my true emotions. We had a good relationship overall but I was guarded. This started a pattern of secrecy in my marriage that was not intentional but was a matter, I thought, of survival.

I don’t remember much about that year but probably off and on continued to have masturbation as a problem as this was the pattern of how I dealt with strong emotions and feelings. Despite this I worked hard to make my wife happy. I went to the school and worked and she worked full time. Although I loved her and she was wonderful, I often felt pangs of loneliness and unworthiness that overwhelmed me. I didn’t understand what was happening. Only the thought of my wife and my family kept me going. I hid this from her and everyone else.

After my first daughter was born a year later I felt improved. I began to exercise regularly at the university, swimming mostly. I found myself looking at the other men dressing and some how found that it relieved my stress temporarily. I never let on to anyone that I was watching nor did I do anything to try to meet men. However it feed some fantasies into my mind that on one hand was unwanted but on the other hand relieved pain. I seemed to have an obsession on this activity for the next year. Also during this time I was commuting 50 miles working the night shift at a hospital lab. I was alone a lot. I would occasionally masturbate in the car. This was not an exhibitionist activity because I never wanted anyone to see me but another facet of the activity.

After graduation, we moved to another location away from the university and that stopped. But I continued to masturbate regularly I’m sure although I don’t remember that aspect of my life as well. Again no one knew my secret feelings but the inferiority and feeling of worthlessness continued. I tried many times to stop over these years but seemed to not be able to.

I entered medical school and the military and we moved to another state. It was a great start to a new experience. I seemed to go through periods where I was adjusted to the feelings. We made friends quickly in our new circumstances. Somehow I found the number to a same gender pornographic phone line. I don’t remember where. It required payment by a credit card to use and so I never talked with anyone on the line except for one time when it went through and I quickly hung up not knowing what to say – it was on a pay phone. But for some reason I called it over and over again compulsively for several months despite only the one time actually talking with anyone. When I tried to study at school my thought would often race about same gender sex and I would masturbate to relieve the stress.

During my second year I found a bookstore not far away that sold adult magazines. I would occasionally leave and go there. I never bought any magazines but would look at the covers and thumb through them. There were also adult videos to buy or rent and I would look at the covers. I did buy one once but mostly just looked at the covers in the store. This filled my mind again and just seemed to feed the problem.

During this time I would stop periodically. Although I did these things I remember my home life being very happy with my wife and the children. My son was born during this time period. It was as if I was leading 2 different lives. I shielded her from this desperately and could not think of hurting her. Embarrassment, pride, and fear that she would leave me kept me from getting the proper help I needed. I continued in a cycle of addiction and remorse. Strangely I held things together and these activities were just another part of my life.

During my third year of medical school I started my hospital clerkships. I would occasionally go to the restroom at one of the hospitals and would masturbate. I soon discovered that other people went there to for the same reason. At first, I would leave if I knew someone was there. But slowly I became enticed. Over the next 2 years I would have multiple encounters there with mutual masturbation, touching each other in the genital area, and eventual but only rarely oral sex. I never knew any of these people. I never saw nor talked with any of them outside of this setting. I never developed a relationship with anyone nor ever knew their names. It was purely for selfish gratification.

My home life continued to be wonderful. I struggled to be happy but knew I couldn’t be fully. I provided a happy home environment despite these terrible things I was doing. I remained active in the Church and never lost nor doubted my testimony.

I believed, by this time, that Heavenly Father couldn't possibly love me and despite church callings and activity I lost my ability to pray meaningfully.

When we moved to another state in 1991 I started residency. The stress in my life severely worsened. I found an adult video store close to the military base and would visit it frequently when I was able. It seemed to relieve the stress. I had many dark, remorseful, and hopeless feelings during those years. I was apart from my family so much and dealt with these problems alone on top of the stresses of medical residency. I was working often between 90 to 110 hours a week. I often felt I couldn't go on. Occasionally I would see a patient and tell myself I would resign afterwards. On one occasion I remember standing on the 9th floor of the hospital at 4:00 AM and looked out the window and saw my car in the parking lot. I thought of leaving and driving as far away as I could. Suicide or dieing in a motor vehicle accident was not far from my mind. It’s difficult to understand why these feelings didn’t stop me but it just kept me in the cycle. I was utterly powerless.

In the video store I could watch videos in booths for a short period of time. Mostly I masturbated and watched other do the same things. Through those years that was what occurred mostly. On a few occasions if I was there at night, a few people approached me to go to their car. We never spoke but would masturbate together and again on rare occasion had oral sex. Never did I have a relationship beyond that.

There was a rest room elsewhere I also found that similar activities occurred in as before. While there if a stranger came in and I could tell he was there for the same reason, we would masturbate together, touch each other, and again have oral sex. I was on a deep path of destruction but some how couldn’t quit for any length of time.

I finished my medical training and we moved to yet another state in 1996. I wanted to make a new start. I felt if I could just stop eventually I would make things right. The secrecy was eating at me but the carnality and curiosity kept me from doing the right things. There our family was greatly needed in the ward. We served diligently and seem to have a great impact in many lives.

While there I got involved again in pornography. During lunch hours and other times I would go to the video stores and spent hours watching gay pornography. Only rarely did I view magazines. It mostly consisted of watching videos there. I continued to have encounters as previously in the booths. There were a few other encounters as well on a dark deserted beach or at a park. Again, never did I know any of these people nor did I develop a relationship with any of them.

I tried to stop my deplorable actions by myself. I wanted desperately to be clean and to just have this taken from my life. I sensed that because of my profession and background people seemed to look up to me. How could I possibly let anyone see me for who I was? I kept telling myself that there was no hope for me anyway and that if I could some how get my family and my friends to the celestial kingdom without anyone knowing I would not have to hurt anyone. This is the lie that I continued to perpetuate but somehow believed. To survive I kept telling myself that tomorrow would be better and my feelings would change if I just held on.

I was one time questioned by military police concerning my behavior in a steam room. I tried to make contact with someone who reported me. It lead to nothing but it frightened me beyond belief. For days I couldn’t sleep or eat. I became quite despondent but continued to work and try to keep my life together. The pain of that incident gradually subsided and then I fell back into the same patterns. We were again reassigned and moved several months later. I was relieved to leave.

During business trips through the years I would seek pornography out and go the video theater and store. I also had same sex encounters during those times as well. I would also find bathhouses and gay bars. I frequented those as often as I could. On some conference weeks I would either be in meetings or at these places. On one occasion I remember barely eating anything during the week so my money could be spent on these activities without making my wife suspicious as to where the money was spent. I lost 8 pounds that week. I also rarely slept as I would be in these places through the night. The adrenaline and high that these activities gave me kept me going without food or sleep.

It was 1999 now and I continued to have problems with masturbation. I would go to the adult video store and fill my mind with pornography. There in the theater I had encounters with masturbation, mutual masturbation, and oral sex. I even had anal sex on a few occasions when the circumstances enabled this.

I then started on the internet. Even though there were filters in place I could still find enough pornography. This was yet another avenue and facet to my addiction. It was at this time that my wife found out that I was viewing pornography on the internet. I initially denied it but then told her everything I had been doing. I came forward and was disfellowshipped for 5 ½ years. I worked with a therapist with some success although I struggled tremendously. I began to understand I wasn’t alone and some of the things that drove me to the behaviors. I was able to control much of what previously had been uncontrollable. But it took a toll on my marriage. New feelings of inadequacy have been there and difficult to deal with through the years.

I didn’t have any encounters but masturbation gradually crept back into my life. I didn’t view pornography but I found a phone number to a gay phone line. I used to call it and talk to people on the line but did not meet up with anyone and struggled to keep clean. I didn’t feel I had yet mastered the coping skills.

I retired from the military and we moved back to the same state where I grew up. I kept clean although I masturbated very frequently. I again found the phone line and it became a compulsive habit