Love Changes People

“Nothing is so much calculated to lead people to forsake sin as to take them by the hand, and watch over them with tenderness. When persons manifest the least kindness and love to me, O what power it has over my mind, while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress the human mind” (Joseph Smith, in History of the Church, 5:23–24).

Excerpts from the Introduction of my upcoming book, "Looking Through the Dark Glass"

I have had the opportunity to work with individuals and families who have processed through issues related to same-gender attraction for many years now. It has been my privilege to be so close to this controversial issue. Truly, I have had some reservations about writing this post, because this is such a controversial issue, and the controversy, I believe has been tainted by politics more than science. However, after working with numerous clients and conducting countless groups for same-gender attraction, I have found it necessary to write this workbook, because truly, the population of individuals and families who either want to objectively understand the issue, or those who want to manage their attraction and live their values, have been misrepresented in our society as a whole. I have had many clients who have told me that for years they have been attempting to get help to “overcome” their attractions and keep their families, but the only help they could find were with therapist who told them that they had no choice but to leave their marriage and “live the lifestyle”. Does this issue need to be so black-and-white? Choice should be emphasized when dealing with same-gender attraction. I feel that therapist may instantly become biased when working with individuals with same-gender attraction. Either the therapist becomes an instant religious zealot, or a liberal activist. For example, often I have heard from clients that therapist have either said “this is who you are, you need to embrace this lifestyle... you were born this way... you have no choice, but to get out of your marriage and change your life”, or “this is all about lust... read more scriptures and turn away from your sin”. It is interesting that therapist can so quickly and easily abandon one of their core principles, to respect the autonomy of their clients! Lets take a moment and look at the issue in more detail: Misconceptions Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, in his ground-breaking and healing Ensign article, titled “Helping Those who Struggle with Same Gender Attraction”, stated, “Same-gender attraction is not a sin, but acting on those feelings is.” (Jeffrey R. Holland, “Helping Those Who Struggle with Same-Gender Attraction,” Liahona, Oct 2007, 40–43 ). This article and statement dispelled many misunderstandings that church members had about the nature of same-gender attraction, showing that attractions to the same-sex is not behavior, thus is can not be sin—however acting against the law of chastity through homosexual acts is a sin and frustrates the plan of happiness. The Quorum of the Twelve, with the First Presidency added to Elder Holland's remarks with their pamphlet “God Loveth His Children”. It proclaims, “You are a son or daughter of God, and our hearts reach out to you in warmth and affection. Notwithstanding your present same-gender attractions, you can be happy during this life, lead a morally clean life, perform meaningful service in the Church, enjoy full fellowship with your fellow Saints, and ultimately receive all the blessings of eternal life.” The pamphlet goes on to say, “A number of Latter-day Saints with same-gender attraction are moving forward with their lives by carefully adhering to gospel standards, staying close to the Lord, and obtaining ecclesiastical and professional help when needed. Their lives are rich and satisfying, and they can be assured that all the blessings of eternal life will ultimately be theirs.” (God Loveth His Children [Salt Lake City: Intellectual Reserve, 2007] 1,4.) There is hope and there is support. President Gordon B. Hinkley stated: “Our hearts reach out to those who struggle with feelings of affinity for the same gender. We remember you before the Lord, we sympathize with you, we regard you as our brothers and sisters” (“Stand Strong against the Wiles of the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 99) In their book, “Understanding Same-Sex Attraction”, Byrd, Cox, Dant, Dahle, Livingstone and Wells, state “Few subjects are as difficult to understand or as controversial as same-sex attraction... Viewpoints about it often fall into polar extremes... That is, it is seen as either a gross perversion or it is seen as an acceptable alternative to heterosexual attraction”(“Understanding Same-Sex Attraction”. Dahle, et. al., (2009) Foundation for Attraction Research, pg. 6) How true this is. As I have worked with countless client who have struggled with the heartbreak and frustration stemming from same-gender attraction, I have come to find that the individual, the family and the community around them, seem to to greatly misunderstand same-gender attraction. An entire book could be written on the misconceptions of same-gender attraction, for more on this subject, please refer to the book referred to above: “Understanding Same-Sex Attraction”. A. Dean Byrd and his colleagues were phenomenal in their research and depth of the subject of same-gender attraction, along with the misconceptions of it. One final highlight from this book: The term gay in context of same-sex attraction is correctly defined as a sociopolitical identity assumed by individuals, both men and women, who have embraced their homosexual attractions as a core sense of self. Likewise, the term lesbian is an assumed sociopolitical identity but refers exclusively to women. These terms define people based on their sexual feelings and can incorrectly imply that same-sex attraction are innate physical characteristics on the order of being male or female. As a therapist I know of the damaging nature of labels. When one labels themselves, they have the tendency to live up to that label and the definitions which come with that label. What does it truly mean to be gay? The media has its definitions, and many with same-gender attraction are living up to that society-bound implied and explicit definition of who they are supposed to be. Labels are damaging, you are yourself, not so-and-so, the gay person. Choice This is very complex, as are many other issues related to same-gender attraction. The world would have us believe that in some aspects of our lives we have no choice. The ideas of psychic determinism-or- we are destined to succumb to the psychological drives within us, are ideas which have been around since Sigmund Freud, and before. The idea that we can't chose our destiny is very destructive. Choice is the key. Forcefulness and coercion have no place in an existential/transpersonal person-centered approach. Furthermore, the concepts and notions of psychic determinism, which Freudian psychoanalysis espouses, are the antithesis to choice and free will, Minima non curat praetor. Basically, Sigmund Freud stated: “…But so far as I can observe, it [free will] does not manifest itself in weighty and important decisions; on these occasions, one has much more the feeling of a psychic compulsion and gladly falls back upon it… What is thus left free from the one side receives its motives from the other side, from the unconscious, and the determinism in the psychic realm is thus carried out uninterruptedly.” In some other forms, Freudianism hints to a type of circular causation, i.e. free-will—determinism—free will—determinism, however the outcome in this theory always concludes with a type of total psychic determinism, void of choice. Freud again discusses: “…many persons argue against the assumption of an absolute psychic determinism by referring to an intense feeling of conviction that there is a free will. This feeling exists, but is not incompatible with the belief in determinism.” (Freud, S., Psychopathology of Everyday Life, 1904, 129-130). [In regards to these criticisms to psychoanalysis, this mode of psychotherapy can be very beneficial to individuals, especially people who suffer from attachment issues. Therapies and theories, such as object relation, ego psychology, psychosocial (Erik Erikson), etc., are valid and impactful modes of treatment, in this author’s opinion]. The ideas of total psychic determinism can be negatively enabling and disempowering. Determinism suspends a sense of personal and social responsibility, and gives way to the excuse that, for example “this is the way I am, this is what I was born to be, and I will never change or grow”. Instead of seeing same-gender attraction as only influences, those who are determined by these issues live a life of relinquishing responsibility, which in turn, disables their personal growth. For example, many who have been addicted to substances use determinism as an excuse “I come from a long line of alcoholics—it is in the blood… I guess this is what I will turn out to be… an alcoholic.” Moreover, not only do Freudian psychiatrist ascribe to the ideas of determinism, there are other ideas which go beyond the notion of psychic determinism. There are anthropological ideas of genetic determinism, e.g. “it is in the gene pool”. Notions of social and environmental determinism can be found in theories of sociology and social work, for example there is a belief that the socioeconomic class that one is born into determines what a person’s future status will be in society. Essentially, the theory of determinism is a smoke screen, a justification to legitimate certain social sciences and political correctness; it undermines basic principles and gives idleness an excuse. However, the concepts of free will and choice are empowering. When an individual comes to awareness that they have control over their lives, the individual overcomes ideas of destiny and changes his/her life to come into line with her/his goals and objectives. The serenity prayer of AA fame puts these notions of free will, choice and control in a clear perpective: God grant me the serenity To accept the things I can not change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. A few years ago, while working with a religious-based treatment center, I met with a young man who was extremely suicidal because of his choice to use heroine, with its caustic affects. This young man also struggled with same-gender attraction. I sent him to a local hospital to obtain intensive treatment and to help him keep safe. After a day at the hospital, I decided to visit this client. After a good conversation on his progress with his addiction program, I was shocked to hear that his case worker didn't want him to meet with me anymore. Earlier that day, my client had a heated argument with the case worker centered on his attraction towards men. She had told him that he needed to embrace his attraction, leave his LDS religion and join a group to help him learn to increase sexual intimacy with other men. As per my client's report, she added that my client's suicidal thoughts were triggered by his unwillingness to involve himself in the gay lifestyle. He stated, in effect, “Yes, I struggle with these feelings I have inside... I accept that this attraction is part of me and will probably be with me for the rest of my life, but I have been on a mission... I have committed myself to God and to keep his commandments... yes, I made a mistake by getting myself involved with drugs, and I see this as going against the word of wisdom... you are telling me to violate an even bigger law—the law of chastity!.. Are you insane, I would be even more suicidal than I am now if I were to do that!” I believe one of the healing factors in my client's recovery was his opposition towards this case worker. I found in subsequent sessions that he had a new resolve to increase his participation in the church and to utilize his spirituality. Because you have same-gender attraction, it doesn't mean that you have to pack your bags and move to San Fransisco and find a gay relationship. Most of my clients wanted to live the gospel and keep their marriages together. Choice is possible. So again, is this issue a choice? I have found that same-gender attraction can be both nature and nurture. Is change possible? Lets take a look at the research: As I investigated research on the subject I came across the following 31 studies on the possibility to change perceptions towards same-gender attraction and supporting evidence for changes, in behavior, attractions, fantasy and self-identification by the subjects of the various studies and surveys, the findings suggested that a person really does have a choice in the matter. As an introduction to this discussion, it must be realized that sexuality is not as black and white as the world would have us believe. Alfred Charles Kinsey, was an American biologist and professor of entomology and zoology who in 1947 founded the Institute for Sex Research at Indiana University, where he developed the “Kinsey sexuality scale and spectrum”. He stated: Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories... The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. While emphasizing the continuity of the gradations between exclusively heterosexual and exclusively homosexual histories, it has seemed desirable to develop some sort of classification which could be based on the relative amounts of heterosexual and homosexual experience or response in each history... An individual may be assigned a position on this scale, for each period in his life.... A seven-point scale comes nearer to showing the many gradations that actually exist." (Kinsey, et al. (1948). pp. 639, 65) [from wikipedia.com “Kinsey Scale”] As part of his study on the sexual dynamics of people, Kinsey developed the following scale: Rating Description 0 Exclusively heterosexual 1 Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual 2 Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual 3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual; bisexual. 4 Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual 5 Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual 6 Exclusively homosexual X Asexual, Non-Sexual (Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale) Of the 31 studies, 28 of them presented information on over 2000 participants. Some of the participants in the study didn't have enough information on them to be considered in the studies reviewed. Those with whom enough data, before-and-after Kinsey sexual orientation, was available were assigned to groups consistent with the Kinsey scale above. In the study, they eliminated scores for participants whose “before” scores were lower than 5 on the Kinsey scale. The following are the findings: • 45 cases of people who were exclusively or predominantly homosexual (a 6 or 5 on the Kinsey scale) making a full shift in sexual orientation (to a 0 on the Kinsey scale). • 287 cases of people who were exclusively or predominantly homosexual (a 6 or 5 on the Kinsey scale) making a partial shift in sexual orientation (to a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey scale). • 86 cases of people who were exclusively or predominantly homosexual who transitioned to satisfying heterosexual relationships. (This third group of studies measured change by external behavior and reports of satisfaction, rather than reports of levels of attraction.) There were at around 400 incidents in the published psychological literature of heterosexual orientation shift. The research studies considerably reported at least 550 subjects whose perception of same-gender attraction and along with their perception that they actually had a choice in the matter had varying degrees of change toward increased heterosexuality. In the American Psychological Association's June 2002 issue of Professional Psychology: Research and Practice. An article by Dr. Warren Throckmorton, "Initial Empirical and Clinical Findings Concerning the Change Process for Ex-Gays," summarizes 11 studies and concludes: "My literature review contradicts the policies of major mental health organizations because it suggests that sexual orientation, once thought to be an unchanging sexual trait, is actually quite flexible for many people, changing as a result of therapy for some, ministry for others and spontaneously for still others." (see www.peoplecanchange.com) The ideas that a person has no choice when it comes to their feelings toward the same-gender and that there is "no evidence of successful sexual orientation change" is misinformed. Techniques such as Reparative therapy has not been discredited, as many political entities would have people believe. “It has simply fallen out of favor since the 1973 vote by the board of the American Psychiatric Association to remove homosexuality from its official encyclopedia of mental disorders. The research hasn't been disproved; it has simply been disenfranchised by the political correctness of the times.” (see peoplecanchange.com) The authors of the website, people can change, processed through the following insight into choice and the benefits of changing one's perception: The Benefits of Pursuing Change Critics like to claim that attempting to change one's sexual orientation puts one at risk for depression and even suicide. There no doubt have been those who have pursued change for the wrong reasons, or in the wrong ways, and thereby have inadvertently increased the internal conflict and struggle rather than decreasing it. These are unfortunate cases, but what do they prove? Only that that particular therapy or ministry was not helpful or appropriate for those particular individuals at the time. It doesn't prove that they are not helpful to or appropriate for anyone ever -- any more than the grumblings of a few lapsed Catholics would "prove" that Catholicism is harmful to all. Especially when there is significant evidence of others who benefit. • Dr. Robert Spitzer (http://www.narth.com/docs/published.html(found no evidence of harm among the 200 individuals he surveyed on their experience in reparative therapy and ex-gay ministries. He has stated, "To the contrary, they reported that it was helpful in a variety of ways beyond changing sexual orientation itself." • The NARTH survey (http://www.narth.com/docs/published.html) of 882 men and women who had pursued change said the therapy was beneficial to their mental health and helped them cope with and reduce their homosexual attractions. They also overwhelmingly rated their experience as positive on a range of variables, including self-acceptance, trust of the opposite sex, self-esteem, emotional stability, relationship with God, and depression. Only 7% of survey respondents said they were doing worse than before the therapy on three or more of 17 measures of psychological well-being. Elder Robert D. Hales explained that our choices affect more than ourselves: The challenge is to live in the world you not partake of the world's temptations, which will lead us away from our spiritual goals. When one of us gives up and succumbs to the wiles of the adversary, we may lose more than our own soul. Our surrender could cause the loss of souls who respect us in this generation. Our capitulation to temptation could affect children and families for generations to come (Ensign, May 1998, 76.) This statement is profound. I have seen many individuals lead into temptation, violate the law of chastity, and follow after the “gay lifestyle” all because of the influence of others. I have seen through my practice of psychotherapy, children follow the example of their fathers who had same-gender attraction, leave their wives and break the hearts of their own children. Don't underestimate the power of example, and don't let the adversary lead you into the belief that your choices will not affect others! Politics I have discovered that this issues of same-gender attraction has been driven by political agendas more than by psychological ones, to the result that psychology has followed political correctness to the detriment of those who are trying to understand their own attractions to the same-gender. There has been much controversy on the issue of gay activism, and it seems to me that the activist have a much different agenda from many of those I know who have attractions towards the same gender. I often ponder; why is this so? In his book, Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth, Dr. Jeffrey Satinover, helped with the answer. He stated: ...Gay politics arouses in me an exasperated, somewhat stifled, outrage, exasperated and stifled because of the tangle of conflicting emotions that arise when “political power” is joined to “victim” status; outrage because gay activism distorts the truth and harms not only society but homosexuals themselves, especially young people... to the extent that homosexuals have been victimized, we can only reach out in compassion for the suffering, struggling soul... but the organized, political side of the picture is entirely different. Here we too often see on violent display the brute aspects of human nature in all it crudity, stupidity, vanity, selfishness, disregard for others, and disregard for the truth. Like so many of its predecessors, too often gay activism follows the dictum that desired ends justify the means.(Jeffrey Satinover, Homosexuality of the politics of truth, pg.21) Richard G. Scott, discusses the dangers of political correctness, especially when we base our concepts of truth on it. He states: Since truth is the only meaningful foundation upon which we can make wise decisions, how then can one establish what is really true? Increasingly more people are finding that making wise decisions is becoming more and more difficult because of the ultra-interconnected world in which we live. Constantly forced into our consciousness is an incessant barrage of counsel, advice, and promotions. It is done by a bewildering array of media, Internet, and other means. On a given subject we can receive multiple strongly delivered, carefully crafted messages with solutions. But often two of the solutions can be diametrically opposed. No wonder some are confused and are not sure how to make the right decisions. To further complicate matters, others try to persuade us that our decisions must be socially acceptable and politically correct. Some pondering of that approach will reveal how wrong it is. Since social and political structures differ widely over the world and can dramatically change with time, the folly of using that method to make choices is apparent. There are two ways to find truth—both useful, provided we follow the laws upon which they are predicated. The first is the scientific method. It can require analysis of data to confirm a theory or, alternatively, establish a valid principle through experimentation. The scientific method is a valuable way of seeking truth. However, it has two limitations. First, we never can be sure we have identified absolute truth, though we often draw nearer and nearer to it. Second, sometimes, no matter how earnestly we apply the method, we can get the wrong answer. The best way of finding truth is simply to go to the origin of all truth and ask or respond to inspiration. For success, two ingredients are essential: first, unwavering faith in the source of all truth; second, a willingness to keep God’s commandments to keep open spiritual communication with Him. (Richard G. Scott, “Truth: The Foundation of Correct Decisions,” Ensign, Nov 2007, 90–92 ) The truth about same-gender attraction and related issues should be based more on scientific research then on political maneuvering. How can we trust a persons subjective political ramblings without first backing it up by objective facts. This is the reason for the skewed reality on this subject. Santinover goes on to say: Here is the conundrum we face now that gay activism has burst onto the national scene. On the one hand we must decide how best to counter the tactics of intimidation and refute the false claims of a group that operates in the hostile mode of raw, power politics. On the other hand we must retain the profound compassion and fellow-feeling toward individual homosexuals that we ourselves need and yearn for from others... Gay activists, by contrast, deliberately seek to confuse these two dimensions. They insist that respect for a person is identical with accepting his or her political claims for equality in all areas of life. Even principled opposition is therefore tantamount to bigotry, “homophobia,” and the equivalent of race-hatred. But by deliberately confusing these two sides—the political and the personal—gay activism has created a dangerous monster. The lesser danger is that our very sympathy for the persecuted will blind us to the social danger. In the name of a murky, confused “inclusiveness” we will thereby sell out cultural birthright for a mess of political pottage. The greater danger, by far, is that our justifiable protest will stifle and eventually kill our understanding that “homosexuals” are... simply us. Should this occur, we lose not only our birthright, but our souls. (Jeffrey Satinover, Homosexuality of the politics of truth, pg.21)

Letter to "My Enemy", or "Letter to Weakness"

I have asked a few of my clients if they would be willing to post their stories and other writing they thought would be helpful to other individuals. The following is a copy of M.D.'s "letter to my enemy": To my countless enemies – Satan and your fellow demons, You entered into my life just as I became a teenager, taking advantage of my naive nature, tense upbringing, and uncommunicative family. You provided a numbing release that at first seemed harmless and natural. As the weeks turned into years and my childhood passed by, you always stuck around. Many times you weren’t openly aggressive in your tactics, and many times I even thought I had already defeated you just as you undoubtedly wanted me to believe. Yet eventually I always silently slipped back into your grasp. I was often able to resist you for periods time – such as before and after priesthood ordinations, my brother's death, and entering college - yet you always found a way of forcing your way back into my thoughts and actions. Through it all, you always were there – a manufactured way of letting go of my persistent anxieties and promenaded expectations and feeling what I mistakenly thought was a dependable pleasure and release. Yet ultimately, you have only provided a stinging sorrow instead of pleasure and imprisonment rather than release. If you were supposedly “helping me” in some distorted way, why do I now see you have only caused me emotional and spiritual grief? Through consistent relapses, you continually have gashed away at my self-esteem, making me feel completely disconnected and isolated from others, even those who I love and desperately have wanted to trust. Rather than turning to others for help, I gradually emotionally detached myself from those who mattered most. You turned me into a hypocrite and a liar, teaching me to conceal my problems from others and to put on the mask that everything is perfect and under control. You impaired my relationship with the Lord, and filled that hole inside me where the Spirit should have been with a harrowing emptiness that often made me afraid to simply be alone and think for too long. I’d try filling that void with worldly things such as music or school, yet the despair always reared its head. You contorted and twisted my self-image to a point where I hardly recognized who I was anymore, acting completely contrary to the gospel-oriented life and goals I’ve wanted my entire life. Too many times I have felt like the elephant in the sacrament meeting, the sinner among my friends, and the deceiver within my family. Every time I’d been cheerfully and harmlessly asked why I had not left on my mission yet, I would either want to throw up or just blatantly walk away and skip the rest of church. And now as I progress into adulthood, you have restricted me from continuing on with the only things I want in my life. I couldn’t continue to walk down the halls of BYU knowing you’re still in control of me and that someone else should deserve my place if I can’t live the established high standards, I couldn’t serve a mission because of the amassed crippling shame you had singed into my identity, and I couldn’t even begin to think of being married in the temple with the way you crippled my relationships with others I care for. After seeing my own parent’s marriage crumble before me, all I want in my marriage is to be honest to my wife and the Lord, and with you that simply won’t happen. But now I declare unto you, Satan and all others who are pitted against my salvation, NO MORE. The satisfaction you seemingly have in destroying and enslaving my life at first makes me furious, but then I realize how sad and pathetic I feel for you, because the one thing you and your countless followers have wanted and have fought for so desperately – to destroy my relationship with our Heavenly Father – ultimately is what will strengthen my relationship with Him to the point when I am one day ready to return to His loving arms, confident with the disciple and saint I have become. I’ve lost to you so many times, yet those lost battles will only make my success in overcoming you that much more sweet and empowering. By tying me down with this addiction, you have forced me to become dependent on my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ, preparing me to become a humble and worthy Priesthood Holder, Missionary, Husband, and Father. It is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ that I will completely overcome you. I have learned the hard way that I am not strong enough to defeat you on my own. That road has only led me deeper into your web of lies and deciet. Yet I will continually draw upon the power and love offered through Christ’s great Atoning Sacrifice, something you cannot defend against and I know is always extended to me if I will only humble myself to ask for it. You are powerless to the infinite effect of the Atonement and the Priesthood, and as I continue to get off my high horse of pride and get to work in living a Christ-centered life, you will have no power to influence my decisions or what stays in my mind. I will continue to educate myself on both your inaudible tactics in order to fortify myself, and, more importantly, on the tools provided by my God that I may use to expel you from all aspects of my life. You’ve had your run, but in the end you will only provide me with more spiritual endurance and acuity than I could have developed otherwise. Leaning on the power and support of my family, friends, fellow Sons of Helaman brothers, and most importantly on Christ, I will eradicate all the doubt and fear you have insinuated within my mind, and filling it’s void will be the love and confidence offered from Christ and His Atonement. I now fight not only for me, but for my future wife and children. Together we will live a happy, spiritual, and probably a difficult life, knowing how much you hate and will fight against my decisions, and through the ordinances of the gospel we will be worthily united and one day enter together into the Kingdom of our Father, sealed for eternity and redeemed through my Brother, Savior, and Redeemer – Jesus Christ. I will never give up or allow you to once again inflict the fear, doubt, and devastation you are so quick to deal. So go ahead Satan, try your hardest. Rally your troops and amass all hell against me. Because I now fight with the full armor of God, and will always stand victorious as I fight alongside my Savior.

Attitude

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church....a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes.” ― Charles R. Swindoll

Finding Truth

On what foundation do we base our truth? I have noticed as I meet with many, oftentimes people base their truth on what the media tells them--or what a political leader might say. But what are the media and political leaders basing their opinions and perceptions? Political leaders base their strategic viewpoints on what the polls indicate, so as to keep themselves popular. The media bases their viewpoints on trends in rating and viewership, so as to keep them on the air. Think: what source is the world getting their information, and therefore, basing their views, perceptions and even their truths? "Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them" (Matt 7:20). Be careful, distortion and deception comes quickly!

Reflections on the Atonement and Grace

I had a client who was not a member of the LDS faith, ask me, "I don't get you Mormons... you think that you will be saved by works and not by faith!" I responded, "I believe in Grace". He then stated, "No you don't, you're religion never talks about it... they only talk about the works you can do". I reflected on this and thought, "I think we might just use another word more often to explain Grace--The Atonement". I have come to realize that in the Gospel, "works" refer to repentance, keeping the commandments, etc.. And why do we do these "works", so that the Savior can help us progress--but we need His Grace--there is no way we can do it on our own. He paid our debt by His infinite sacrifice--and now it is paid--our sins were paid in full nearly 2000 years ago, now all Christ requires of us is to progress a little each day so that we will want to be with Him again and grow into a charitable, merciful Christlike person who He knows we can become! I believe this doctrine is consistent with all of our other Christian brothers and sister. After explaining my understanding of "Grace", I told my client that "I do 'works', [e.g.] service, repentance, attempting to love everyone, etc., so that I can be a better person (which I feel is God's will for me)--not to earn my way to heaven, but to want heaven. I have realized that my works are mutually exclusive of grace, but my faith in Christ, my faith in the gift of Grace that He has given me--all that he has given me--increases as my behaviors become more like His behaviors, and I do works as He would do works." My client responded that his belief is actually the same. We came to a mutual understanding. As we do a little more, we become a little better. As we conform our life to gospel standards, we become more charitable. When we break commandments we become more selfish. No matter what religion we are, if we have charity, eventually (in this life or the next), our lives will begin to conform to gospel standards and we will be saved and gain Eternal Life--b/c we want it! As President Hinckley stated, "We must try a little harder everyday, to be a little better!" Always do your best, and when your best isn't as good as it was yesterday, keep trying, never give up and everything will be okay--this is the spirit of Grace. Christ doesn't make up the difference, He is the difference! ...Also, why do we do missionary work? So that the world can know how to have hope now and how to have a Celestial life in the present! We need to get the good news (the gospel) out there-- there are too many people lost in misery, with no hope and no purpose! I see it everyday in my profession.

Avoiding the Pitfall

I met with a cleint today who was struggling with the concept of hope. He stated that he felt that he would not make it to the Celestial World. Though he has made sacred covenants, completed his ordinances, and has been striving to live a good Christian life, he still felt that he wouldn't make it. I found that he was believing the distortions that the adversary was sending to him, because he had been filtering his life through the lense of shame. We processed how we keep the commandments of God to protect ourselves from the influence of the adversary--essentially to keep us from allowing the adversary to convince us that we are hopeless. When we sin, we give Satan the power to convince us that we are without hope, because when we transgress, he now has the evidence to convince us that we are hopeless (though this is a lie)--this is why we must repent immediately, so that we can tell Satan that he has an invalid argument. We must believe the Savior's words and works, we can all make it if we believe Him--more than just believe in Him and in his Atonement, but truly believe HIM!

Grace and Works

Concerning Grace verses works: the aspect of these principles which people don’t seem to understand is the fact that they are not mutually exclusive at all, they work in concert with each other—-you can’t have one without the other. You learn how to receive Grace, by the works you render. For instance, if you are service oriented, and think outside of yourself, you are always giving grace to others, thus you learn how to give grace to yourself and learn how to receive Grace from on High--which is always there for every one of Heavenly Father's children. It takes our works (obedience, sacrifice, service and consecration) to understand how to access spiritual gifts, such as Grace. The reason: When you help others, you see others as God sees them—-you then begin to understand that God sees you as you see others. And if you have charity (the pure love of Christ) and mercy towards your fellow men, you realize that Heavenly Father has the same view towards you—-and infinitely more! And then you begin to learn how to incorporate grace in your life, which will help you to overcome any emotional problem you may have suffered.

Excerpt From My Upcoming Book: "Looking Passed the Dark Glass" (section: Misconceptions)

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, in his ground-breaking and healing Ensign article, titled “Helping Those who Struggle with Same Gender Attraction”, stated, “Same-gender attraction is not a sin, but acting on those feelings is.” (Jeffrey R. Holland, “Helping Those Who Struggle with Same-Gender Attraction,” Liahona, Oct 2007, 40–43 ). This article and statement dispelled many misunderstandings that church members had about the nature of same-gender attraction, showing that attractions to the same-sex is not behavior, thus is can not be sin—however acting against the law of chastity through homosexual acts is a sin and frustrates the plan of happiness. The Quorum of the Twelve, with the First Presidency added to Elder Holland's remarks with their pamphlet “God Loveth His Children”. It proclaims, “You are a son or daughter of God, and our hearts reach out to you in warmth and affection. Notwithstanding your present same-gender attractions, you can be happy during this life, lead a morally clean life, perform meaningful service in the Church, enjoy full fellowship with your fellow Saints, and ultimately receive all the blessings of eternal life.” The pamphlet goes on to say, “A number of Latter-day Saints with same-gender attraction are moving forward with their lives by carefully adhering to gospel standards, staying close to the Lord, and obtaining ecclesiastical and professional help when needed. Their lives are rich and satisfying, and they can be assured that all the blessings of eternal life will ultimately be theirs.” (God Loveth His Children [Salt Lake City: Intellectual Reserve, 2007] 1,4.) There is hope and there is support. President Gordon B. Hinkley stated: “Our hearts reach out to those who struggle with feelings of affinity for the same gender. We remember you before the Lord, we sympathize with you, we regard you as our brothers and sisters” (“Stand Strong against the Wiles of the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 99) In their book, “Understanding Same-Sex Attraction”, Byrd, Cox, Dant, Dahle, Livingstone and Wells, state “Few subjects are as difficult to understand or as controversial as same-sex attraction... Viewpoints about it often fall into polar extremes... That is, it is seen as either a gross perversion or it is seen as an acceptable alternative to heterosexual attraction”(“Understanding Same-Sex Attraction”. Dahle, et. al., (2009) Foundation for Attraction Research, pg. 6) How true this is. As I have worked with countless client who have struggled with the heartbreak and frustration stemming from same-gender attraction, I have come to find that the individual, the family and the community around them, seem to greatly misunderstand same-gender attraction. An entire book could be written on the misconceptions of same-gender attraction, for more on this subject, please refer to the book referred to above: “Understanding Same-Sex Attraction”. A. Dean Byrd and his colleagues were phenomenal in their research and depth of the subject of same-gender attraction, along with the misconceptions of it. One final highlight from this book: The term gay in context of same-sex attraction is correctly defined as a sociopolitical identity assumed by individuals, both men and women, who have embraced their homosexual attractions as a core sense of self. Likewise, the term lesbian is an assumed sociopolitical identity but refers exclusively to women. These terms define people based on their sexual feelings and can incorrectly imply that same-sex attraction are innate physical characteristics on the order of being male or female. As a therapist I know of the damaging nature of labels. When one labels themselves, they have the tendency to live up to that label and the definitions which come with that label. What does it truly mean to be gay? The media has its definitions, and many with same-gender attraction are living up to that society-bound implied and explicit definition of who they are supposed to be. Labels are damaging, you are yourself, not so-and-so, the gay person.

Elder Whitney made this statement in General Conference: “The Prophet Joseph Smith declared—and he never taught more comforting doctrine—that the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice; they will suffer for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving father's heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God” (Orson F. Whitney, Conference Report, April 1929).

Progression and Interaction

I have been reflecting on the concept of Glory, specifically how God increases in Glory. And as I reflected on this I began to reflect on how this concept affects us and how it helps us grow in our own balance, wellness and perspective. Eternal progression is all interactional - meaning, that you progress as others progress. This has a real impact when considering mental health, because this would mean that we need others to stay mentally well (not a new concept). God is continually progressing, not in knowledge, but in glory. God helps us progress, but we, as well, help Him progress (interaction) - by our good works and our service to others (His children) we add to His Glory! This is just one more reason we need to serve others, keeping this in mind - As we help others progress, we in turn progress and God progresses because of our progression - For this is His work and Glory! And His work and glory is to help us! God He knows all and is all, and at the level that He is, being ultimately omnipotent and omnipresent, there is no other purpose or reason than to help everyone else, His children, to succeed. We must focus on service to others, to help everyone. If service is God's Glory, then our work, everything we do, should be to serve others and be for His glory. The implications of this would solve most of the emotional difficulties, addiction issues and other problems in our society. We should not worry about trivial things, such as what people think, only what God thinks of you, and in turn, you will draw the Godly to you.

Courage, Fear and Faith

Some have mistaken that courage is to have a lack of fear--but one can be fearful and still have courage. Courage is to act in the face of fear, to work through something you are scared of, and then overcome your fear. This takes maturity (aspects of maturity are doing things which one does not want to do, but doing them because they know it is the correct thing)--Just as courage is to be afraid, but doing it anyways. The mistaken definition of Courage (as stated above), is actually a definition of faith--for faith is the opposite of fear. Courage leads to faith though, because as one acts against fear (Courage) one increases in faith--faith in yourself and in God. Christ's faith was so infinite that oftentimes he didn't need courage, there is only one scriptural reference I found that expressed Christ's need to use courage to overcome fear. It is found in Matthew 26, "Then saith he (Christ) unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death... And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt" (MATT 26:38-39). We then realize in the Doctrine and Covenants just how much Courage, faith and obedience Christ had--He knew what was going to happen to Him, and followed the Will of the Father and did it anyways--He took the sins of the World upon Him, "Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed from every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit--and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink--Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men" (Doctrine and Covenants 19:18-19). What great courage it takes to follow the will of the Father! But as we have Courage to follow His will, we increase in faith--and with that faith, fear is dispelled!

Seven Laws

It is interesting what one can find when one thinks outside of the box. I was meeting with a client recently and he told me about something he found which had really helped him. He stated that he found this help in a very unorthodox area--he was watching the evangelical television station. Although he didn't agree with most of what the evangelical minister was saying, or his stance on making excessive amounts of money off of ministering (a.k.a. priest craft), he did glean some great wisdom from one aspects of this preacher's ministry. The following in a synopsis of the Seven Laws of Success, by the minister, Mike Murdock:

Law # 1 The Law of difference This is having the wisdom to be able to discern difference. What makes you different from everyone else. What problem can you solve?

Law#2 The Law of the MindKnowing how to focus the mind, to rule the mind, to make the mind work for you, not let the mind control you. To learn, to be focused, to concentrate, to have a picture in your mind of what you want and go for it, like visualization. See it. Have pictures up on the wall.

Law# 3 The Law of Recognition The thing you need is there; it’s just a matter of recognizing it. If there’s something missing in your life, there’s more than likely something you’re not seeing. Most of the time it’s right in front of your face but you are so conditioned and so distracted that you don’t see it. I like this one a lot. Tai chi helps with this, and taking the time for contemplation and meditation. What are you not seeing?

Law #4 The Law of 2 Mike Murdoch speaks of the power of covenant, and that the difference in seasons is a person. One person can change your life in 24 hours. All you need is one person to recognize what is special about you, to take you on as a mentor to you, to enter into a covenant with you. Who is that person?

Law #5 The Law of Place Where you are is as important as what you are. Mike Murdoch speaks of Jesus, who had to leave his hometwown and preach elsewhere to be recognized. When you are where you belong, your genius emerges. So it behooves us to consider whether we are where we need to be, and if not, where is that place.

Law #6 The Law of Honor Your future is determined by who you have chosen to honor. You must have a code of honor. Honor is a seed that will outlast a lifetime.

Law #7 The Law of the Seed Our offerings to God are seeds that produce a harvest. There are many types of seeds in our life. Honor is the seed for access, kindness is a seed, time is a seed, love is a seed, teaching is a seed, giving is a seed. This law is to work in the financial arena as well

These "laws", as per my client helped him have a paradigm shift in his therapy. He realized how to make significant changes in his life by processing through these "laws"

Being and Eternal One-ness

I have been reading some existential thought and thought it would be appropriated to post my reflections on this blog (since it is called "existential abreaction"). Although most philosophers who tout themselves "existentialist" claim they are atheist, I believe that most of them are just bitter at God--for if you read between the lines of their writings, it seems very belief driven, especially with the concept of "being". This concept that I have been researching, "being", also know as "oneness" or "God's Will", is a type of surrender, along the lines of "when one loses themselves, they then find themselves". To "be" is to transcend a life of "to do lists". It is essentially to become who we really are--to achieve an understanding of our eternal potential, as children of God.

The Bible Dictionary has a very insightful description of "repentance". It states, "The Greek word of which this is the translation denotes a change of mind, i.e., a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world". I found this fascinating, for I have found that the idea of repentance has been misunderstood by many of the clients I have met with. Many individuals have the distorted view that repentance is tied to punishment, but repentance is tied to change and progress. As the bible dictionary alludes to, repentance is a change in perceptions--we perceive God, oneself and the world differently. Indeed, repentance is a paradigm shift--we abandon the old self and change ourselves anew!

To follow this idea of perception change further: Repentance is a "fresh view of God" because after the process of repentance, we see God in a new light. Oftentimes, people who are in error, blame God for their error. People will often hold resentment towards God when they sin. But when a person progresses passed the distortions of their self-oriented gratifications and delusions, which come with sin, they then wake up to the understanding that God has been beckoning them home all along. They then realize that God loves them infinitely! Then with this knowledge of God's love, they no longer want to sin. Christ stated "This is life Eternal, that they might know Thee the only true God..." (John 17:3) When we know God, we change and progress rapidly. Individuals only sin, because they have a lack of knowledge.

As a person repents, they also view themselves differently. The Apostle Paul stated "For now [with our mortal limitations] we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face [when we are face to face with God, and have become gods, we will see who we really are, that we are 'like him;, see 1 John 3:2, where we are told 'we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is'] now I know in part [now, I do not know all things]; but then shall I know even as also I am known [by God in celestial exaltation, see D&C 76:94]" (1 Corinthians 13:12, see also Ridges, your study of the new testament, p. 178). "In other words, via true doctrine, you must 'see' your potential, and that you and I have the potential" to become eternal and claim our birthright as children of God! (Ridges, 178) This can only occur when we let go of the self oriented perspective and seek "God's Will" and become one with Him, as Christ and the Holy Ghost are One with the Father. And this oneness, this unity can happen now. All a person needs to do is seek and find. Christ stated, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; For everyone that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened". (Matt 7:7-8)

The fresh view about the world occurs as one repents, for we begin to see the distortions of the world, but also the good and potential of the world. And we also understand what will help our neighbors. A statement attributed to Ezra Taft Benson reflects this:

"The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of the people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behaviors, but Christ can change human nature."

I would add to the bible dictionary definition of repentance that repentance also gives us a greater perspective on the adversary. When we repent and light flows through us, we can discern truth and error and a much more effective level. The Holy Ghost enables us to better understand the darkness as well as the light. It is essential in this life that we understand Satan and what he is really trying to do to the whole human family.

We have been discussing much on the subject of what seeking "God's Will" through repentance can do for us, but what more can we do to gain this "fresh view" quickly? From partaking the sacrament worthily and renewing baptismal covenants, we can renew ourselves and detach from the deceptions of the adversary and the distortions of the world. How does this happen? The Sacrament enables us to have "His Spirit to be with us always" and if we have it with us always we can discern the fiery darts coming from the adversary--we can see through the mist of darkness and understand that the world [or the "great and spacious building" as seen in Lehi's dream, interpreted as "the pride, wisdom, and vain imaginations of the world" (1 Nephi 8:26, 11:35-36, 12:18)] is one big delusion. Seek out those things which will make you free!

How to we achieve "be-ing" and "oneness"? We must reconcile ourselves to God and become one with Him. We must transcend this world, shun promptings from a dark source and add light onto ourselves. And once we begin our journey of light, light will add onto the light. And "that which is of God is light; and he that recieveth light, and continueth in God, recieveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day." (Doctrine and Convenants 50:24)

Love Destroying Shame

I wish to introduce the concept of dysfunctional shame, as it contrasts from functional shame. In functional shame a person realizes that it is okay to make mistakes, that we are not perfect and that if we fall down, we get back up. Dysfunctional shame, on the other hand, can destroy a person. And dysfunctional shame always stems from alienation and avoidance.
The cycle is thus: As a person alienates himself from the society around him, the response to that alienation from others is avoidance, which engenders a feeling of abandonment within the person who alienated himself (a self-fulfilling prophecy).
The second stage of the above graph, “abandonment,” can also stem from other sources than alienation. For instance, abuse of any kind increases feelings of abandonment. When a child is physically, emotionally or sexually abused, that child negatively detaches from the world around her. Feelings of abandonment are feelings of isolation from human contact. Feelings of abandonment are also feelings of betrayal, which feelings inevitably lead to apathy—which emotion is quintessentially tied to alienation.
These feelings of abandonment can also stem from a perception of loss. For instance, a child’s father could have been cold and aloof. This father could have also been authoritarian in parenting style—a type of “drill sergeant” parent. This child may then perceive a loss of a father who “could have, should have, and ought to have been” (distortions of thought) a warm and affirming father. This loss has a natural outcome of emotions tied to abandonment.
This abandonment then creates a false self-identity, or an identity fraught with distorted perceptions of “who am I.” This is the “dysfunctional shadow identity.” And when a person finds herself living through this identity, the perception of self is one of destruction. Persons with this identity may say to themselves, “I am worthless all of the time,” or “I am wicked and am not worth God’s time…or for that matter anybody else’s time.” This dysfunctional shadow identity is directed by unhealthy shame, which tears a person down and inhibits emotional growth.
When someone has developed a dysfunctional shadow identity, this someone then begins to live through this identity—their thoughts and beliefs become skewed and distorted—they develop a “shadow belief.” For example, a person might begin to believe that nothing ever works out for them, or that no one will ever love them. These shadow beliefs are wrought with non-meaningful pain and suffering, which a person inevitably feels compelled to rid themselves of.
The strong negative emotions which result from the shadow belief lead to the compulsive and addictive actions of the “shadow behaviors.” Drug addiction, gambling, overeating, overspending, other deviant addictions and compulsions come with a high price to pay. When the “shadow consequences” occur resulting from negative choices, the results of these choices feed back into the dysfunctional shadow identity, which lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, “See I knew it, I am worthless, and the proof of this is the fact that I am in jail for a DUI.”
Functional shame is closely related to our authentic selves. To perpetuate and reinforce the authentic self, one must accomplish a few necessary steps. The following acronym “REAL SELF” are a few steps needed in progressing towards an authentic self:

(R)ely on God
(E)xpress emotion
(A)ccept sources of shame
(L)et go

(S)elf-disclosure
(E)voke accountability
(L)ove yourself
(F)orgiveness of self and others

Rely on God

Relying on God is essential to heal from any malady. As it will be highlighted in discussion 11, my belief is that in any relationship, spirituality must be highlighted for the relationship to grow. And concerning therapy: a person’s spiritual side must be addressed before ending that therapeutic relationship. The spiritual core values are what lead to lasting change… they make all of the behavioral skills and introspection processed through the therapy sessions take on meaning and purpose, which will lead to lasting change. If there is no why, how long will the how last?
Of course this is something very personal, and can only truly be obtained by communion with deity—through prayer or meditation. Praying and receiving from communion with God is essential.

Express emotion

Expressing emotion is also very necessary in obtaining a healing experience. If you have ever had the experience of attending therapy, you realize that more often than not the therapist asks this question, “How are you feeling” or “Would you identify your mood for me,” etc. Why is it that these specialists are so interested in moods? For one thing, an exploration of emotions is something that is neglected in our society, to not experience your mood is a good way to develop lasting mental abnormalities. To identify your mood is the gateway to managing your mood. And managing your mood leads to emotional maturity and mental wellness. I have discovered in my practice of psychotherapy that most mental disorders have a root cause in abnormal emotion maintenance. For both children and adults, I have seen great gains made in therapy by having participants in therapy simply identify their moods frequently. Many times, I have seen participants connect many psychological patterns and unlock unresolved trauma or grief by opening up emotionally. Your emotions are the gateway to the unconscious mysteries that may have been plaguing you for years. Alice Miller essentially stated that exposure to a trauma doesn’t cause a mental illness, but the inability to express emotion about the trauma causes the dysfunction.
One technique that I have used to obtain the emotional goals I have for myself is to keep a journal and write down the moods that I am experiencing everyday. Another technique I have used (especially with children) is to use a “cheat sheet” which has a list of moods. I will have the person take the cheat sheet home with them and identify a mood off the list often during the day. This activity will increase exposure to emotion identification, which is the first step in emotional management.

Accept sources of shame

For many people this is one of the most difficult steps, because many individuals’ sources of shame can be found within their family of origin. Mother and father are our greatest models and sources of love and self-identity. However, when a family becomes dysfunctional, these models of attachment can wreak havoc on our sensitive and developing sense of self. But it must be understood, if our parents were toxic, there was probably a good chance that their parents were toxic as well. We must come to understand that there is a good chance that even abusive people are doing the best they know how. If as a child a person was beaten for bad behavior, what other model did he or she have of parenting than that of an abusive example received from his/her parents? This toxicity becomes multigenerational, but of course, this is not an excuse—our agency dictates that we must choose to break this cycle, or we will be as responsible as those who abused us. And to break this cycle, we must accept our past, focus on today, and influence our future. If you have had serious abuse in your past, you must get therapy if you are to ever get to the point of acceptance. And acceptance will lead to breaking the cycle. Note: Acceptance and approval are different. Acceptance is tied to forgiveness, understanding and letting go. Approval is related to condoning.

Let Go
Tied to Relying on God is letting go. A common AA phrase is “Let go and let God.” Surrendering control is what letting go is all about. One of the most powerful aspects of any 12-step group is the recitation of the Serenity Prayer. This prayer has already been cited in this work, however it is such a powerful concept, it is worth quoting again.

God grant me the Serenity
To Accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to Know the difference

Acceptance of things that are out of our control is often one of the most difficult things to perceive when we are attempting to overcome love-destroying shame. Another key element which ties to these concepts of letting go and accepting is the idea of detaching.
Detachment doesn’t mean that we don’t care. It does mean that we are involved, but within healthy self boundaries. With detachment comes serenity, because we reach a state of being in which we can observe the environment around us, but we don’t have to control the environment. We are in the world, but not of the world.
For example, I had a client who would obsess and worry about seemingly everything, but specifically her teenage son. The son was severely addicted to narcotics. When her son turned 18, he went to jail on drug charges, and my client was immediately present to bail him out. She attempted to do everything for him, and she wondered why her son would continue to get into trouble. She would rescue and he would rebel. Finally, my client came to the realization that her son needed to be “his own man.” Again he was sent to jail, but she did not bail him out. She told him that she loved him, but that he needed to take responsibility for himself—she detached, but was still involved and loving towards him. To her surprise, her crippling depression, anxiety and anger issues slowly faded and she then no longer needed to see me for therapy.

Self-Disclosure
To overcome the shadow identity and dysfunction shame, a person must self-disclose to others. Self-disclosure is essential—it leads to a corrective emotional experience, which is a healing process of overcoming the damage done from earlier dysfunctional relationships. This is the power behind recovery and therapy groups—when we come out of hiding and reveal pain to a supportive group of people, we overcome our shadow identity and come closer and nearer to our authentic self. This leads to developing healthy relationships, which also adds to the corrective emotional experience.

Evoke Accountability
The majority of people I see in therapy are there because they do not want to make a decision—they want me (their therapist) to make a decision for them. When I think of almost every mental or relational problem I have helped people with, there inevitably is a responsibility issue at the core of the matter. This is what the defense mechanisms of projections, displacement, splitting (triangulation), and others are defending against—personal accountability!
The following is a list of defense mechanisms as identified and provided by Wikipedia.com: (notice how many of them deal with responsibility avoidance at an unconscious, preconscious and conscious level).
Level 1 Defence Mechanisms
The mechanisms on this level, when predominating, almost always are severely pathological. These three defences, in conjunction, permit one to effectively rearrange external reality and eliminate the need to cope with reality. The pathological users of these mechanisms frequently appear crazy or insane to others. These are the "psychotic" defences, common in overt psychosis. However, they are found in dreams and throughout childhood as healthy mechanisms.
They include:
· Denial: Refusal to accept external reality because it is too threatening; arguing against an anxiety-provoking stimuli by stating it doesn't exist; resolution of emotional conflict and reduce anxiety by refusing to perceive or consciously acknowledge the more unpleasant aspects of external reality.
· Distortion: A gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs.
· Delusional Projection: Grossly frank delusions about external reality, usually of a persecutory nature.
Level 2 Defence Mechanisms
These mechanisms are often present in adults and more commonly present in adolescence. These mechanisms lessen distress and anxiety provoked by threatening people or by uncomfortable reality. People who excessively use such defences are seen as socially undesirable in that they are immature, difficult to deal with and seriously out of touch with reality. These are the so-called "immature" defences and overuse almost always lead to serious problems in a person's ability to cope effectively. These defences are often seen in severe depression and personality disorders. In adolescence, the occurrence of all of these defences is normal.
These include:
· Fantasy: Tendency to retreat into fantasy in order to resolve inner and outer conflicts.
· Projection: Projection is a primitive form of paranoia. Projection also reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the undesirable impulses or desires without becoming consciously aware of them; attributing one's own unacknowledged unacceptable/unwanted thoughts and emotions to another; includes severe prejudice, severe jealousy, hypervigilance to external danger, and "injustice collecting.” It is shifting one's unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses within oneself onto someone else, such that those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations as perceived as being possessed by the other.
· Hypochondriasis (a.k.a. somatization): The transformation of negative feelings towards others into negative feelings toward self, pain, illness and anxiety.
· Passive aggression: Aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively.
· Acting out: Direct expression of an unconscious wish or impulse without conscious awareness of the emotion that drives that expressive behavior.
Level 3 Defence Mechanisms
These mechanisms are considered neurotic, but fairly common in adults. Such defences have short-term advantages in coping, but can often cause long-term problems in relationships, work and in enjoying life when used as one's primary style of coping with the world.
These include:
· Displacement: Defence mechanism that shifts sexual or aggressive impulses to a more acceptable or less threatening target; redirecting emotion to a safer outlet; separation of emotion from its real object and redirection of the intense emotion toward someone or something that is less offensive or threatening in order to avoid dealing directly with what is frightening or threatening.
· Dissociation: Temporary drastic modification of one's personal identity or character to avoid emotional distress; separation or postponement of a feeling that normally would accompany a situation or thought.
· Intellectualization: A form of isolation; concentrating on the intellectual components of a situation so as to distance oneself from the associated anxiety-provoking emotions; separation of emotion from ideas; thinking about wishes in formal, affectively bland terms and not acting on them; avoiding unacceptable emotions by focusing on the intellectual aspects.
· Reaction Formation: Converting unconscious wishes or impulses that are perceived to be dangerous into their opposites; behavior that is completely the opposite of what one really wants or feels; taking the opposite belief because the true belief causes anxiety. This defence can work effectively for coping in the short term, but will eventually break down.
· Repression: Process of pulling thoughts into the unconscious and preventing painful or dangerous thoughts from entering consciousness; seemingly unexplainable naiveté, memory lapse or lack of awareness of one's own situation and condition; the emotion is conscious, but the idea behind it is absent.
Level 4 Defence Mechanisms
These are commonly found among emotionally healthy adults and are considered the most mature, even though many have their origins in the immature level. However, these have been adapted through the years so as to optimize success in life and relationships. The use of these defences enhances user pleasure and feelings of mastery. These defences help the users to integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts while still remaining effective. Persons who use these mechanisms are viewed as having virtues.
These include:
· Altruism: Constructive service to others that brings pleasure and personal satisfaction.
· Anticipation: Realistic planning for future discomfort.
· Humour: Overt expression of ideas and feelings (especially those that are unpleasant to focus on or too terrible to talk about) that gives pleasure to others. Humour enables someone to call a spade a spade, while "wit" is a form of displacement (see above under Category 3).
· Identification: The unconscious modelling of one's self upon another person's character and behavior.
· Introjection: Identifying with some idea or object so deeply that it becomes a part of that person.
· Sublimation: Transformation of negative emotions or instincts into positive actions, behavior, or emotion.
· Suppression: The conscious process of pushing thoughts into the preconscious; the conscious decision to delay paying attention to an emotion or need in order to cope with the present reality; able to later access uncomfortable or distressing emotions and accept them.

Defense mechanisms protect us from being consciously aware of a thought or feeling which we cannot tolerate. The defense only allows the unconscious thought or feeling to be expressed indirectly in a disguised form. When these defenses become dysfunctional, dangerous, deviant or distressing, a person needs to seek treatment; however, it is essential to know that many of these defenses operate within all of us. These defenses are not inherently negative, some may be quite positive, like sublimation. However and indeed, many of these defenses can contribute to responsibility avoidance. For example, I once worked with an individual who was in extreme denial surrounding his extreme heroin addiction. He had convinced himself that it was natural and even healthy for him. He felt that everyone was out to get him and as long as he could maintain his job and his relationships, there was no reason to change. In a therapy group for substance abuse, many of the group members tried to “break him.” They would challenge and confront him until they were blue in the face (literally). However, none of their efforts worked. Yet one day he presented the group with a very depressed affect which was unlike his usual bravado. He stated, “My girlfriend left me and I think I am going to get fired, all because of my drug use.” Now, the defenses were down and the group could get some real work done. He was now ready, willing and somewhat able to grow out of this dysfunction… so we thought. As the group gave him suggestions, and praised him on “seeing through the pink haze,” he began to become a little bit stoic. He then began to follow the group’s lead by asking for advice, which they in turn were eager to give. Over the next week, he practiced the behaviors that the group told him to do, began a 12-step program as they had advised, and he attempted to be as honest as he could with others, also as the group had advised. During the next group, he was absent, and he never returned. “What happened… he was doing so well?,” group members asked. On a private phone call I had with him some weeks later, he told me that the 12-step group was full of “self-righteous do-gooders,” the people he attempted to be honest with rejected him, and all the advice the group had given him had “blown up in his face.” He has made the group accountable for his failed attempts of sobriety.
How do we evoke accountability within ourselves when we may be in a state of defensiveness? It has much to do with our relationships with others and how they respond to us. Good feedback from those who care does not include advice, this will only perpetuate responsibility avoidance. Good listening is key to evoke accountability.
Thomas Gordon described some roadblocks to listening:
• Asking questions
• Agreeing, approving, or praising
• Advising, suggesting, providing solutions
• Arguing, persuading with logic, lecturing
• Analyzing or interpreting
• Assuring, sympathizing, or consoling
• Ordering, directing, or commanding
• Warning, cautioning, or threatening
• Moralizing, telling what they “should” do
• Disagreeing, judging, criticizing, or blaming
• Shaming, ridiculing, or labeling
• Withdrawing, distracting, humoring, or changing the subject
“Why are they roadblocks?” Gordon continues:
“They get in the speaker’s way. In order to keep moving, the speaker has to go around them… They have the effect of blocking, stopping, diverting, or changing direction… They insert the listener’s ‘stuff’… They communicate: One-up role: `Listen to me! I’m the expert.’ And they put-down (subtle, or not-so-subtle).”
Certainly, it is a difficult, if not an impossible job to evoke accountability in others, and very often it is difficult to evoke accountability in ourselves. The first step is to realize that there are many aspects of our lives that we do not want to investigate. The second step is to become aware of the fact that we are responsible for those aspects; we are even responsible for things outside of ourselves. In a strange way, it can be liberating to know that we are responsible for everything in our environment—we are not to blame—but we are responsible. It is also key to remember that freedom is found in two simple actions: repenting and forgiving (we will discuss more of this in the next section).

Love Yourself
This is a very powerful principle. Loving yourself will be described throughout this book as one of the quintessential achievements to overcome most mental dysfunctions. The first step is to become familiar with positive affirmations. There is power in intently looking into your eyes in a mirror and saying “I love you… You mean a lot to me… etc.” So often, we do just the opposite. If a person attempts to give himself positive affirmations continuously for two weeks, that person will notice a drastic change in the way he perceives himself and his environment.
When a lawyer asked Jesus, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” he answered, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Matt. 22:36–39.) Notice that Jesus said you are to love your neighbor as yourself. God wants you to love yourself just as much as he wants you to love others. Dr. Clark Swain stated, “If you truly love yourself, you will remember that you are a physical, mental, and spiritual being. Loving yourself as God wants you to means that you use wisdom in protecting your life and conserving your health.”
Loving yourself also means to be grateful for yourself and your abilities, and to be grateful to God. It has been shown in research that attitude of gratitude can significantly increase a lasting sense of well-being. In an experimental comparison, those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who recorded hassles or neutral life events (Emmons & McCullough, 2003). Also, it has been shown that a related benefit of the attitude of gratitude was observed in the realm of personal goal attainment: Participants who kept gratitude lists were more likely to have made progress toward important personal goals (academic, interpersonal and health-based) over a two-month period compared to subjects in the other experimental conditions. Moreover, daily gratitude interventions (self-guided exercises) with young adults resulted in higher reported levels of the positive states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy compared to a focus on hassles or a downward social comparison (ways in which participants thought they were better off than others). There was no difference in levels of unpleasant emotions reported in the three groups. It was also found by Drs. Robert A. Emmons and Michael E. McCullough that in a sample of adults with neuromuscular disease, a 21-day gratitude intervention resulted in greater amounts of high-energy positive moods, a greater sense of feeling connected to others, more optimistic ratings of one’s life, and better sleep duration and sleep quality, relative to a control group.

Forgiveness of self and others
This section is a little longer than the former, because this concept is essential to healing. There are two principles all people need to learn to overcome the shadow identity. These are repenting and forgiving. Repenting is essential, because this action leads to an understanding that we make mistakes, we are not perfect, and that we are “okay.” When we do something wrong, say sorry and make restitution. Asking God for forgiveness is liberating and evokes healthy shame and guilt, which as John Bradshaw states “safeguards the soul” because we will conceptualize that we have limits and boundaries, and truly we are good people who perform badly at times. Again, it is “okay,” we must not be so hard on ourselves. The danger of the shadow identity is that an individual can become dichotomous in thought, action and belief. On one extreme a person may need to be “perfect,” achieving extremely in everything. They also are compelled to show little-to-no emotions, because this is weakness. These people “have to” and “have no choice” in their need to achieve. On the other side of the spectrum of the shadow identity, an individual sees himself as a “no-good sinner” not worthy of “redemption.” Both sides of the spectrum are toxic and can lead to personal destruction.
The Greek word for which the English term “repentance” was derived denotes a change of mind, or in effect, a fresh view about God (Bible Dictionary, p. 760). This idea is truly at odds with the notions of punishment and pain, with which many people associate the term of repentance.
Forgiveness of ourselves is important and forgiveness of others is essential for our healing. Anyone who has ever been victimized—and that includes survivors of crime, accidents, childhood abuse, political imprisonment, warfare, and so on—must decide whether or not to forgive those who made the violation, even if that person is not repentant. There can be no way around this choice: either you decide to forgive the person who hurt you, or you hold on to bitterness and anger until it consumes you. Holding on to bitterness and anger can perpetuate further bitterness and anger. One example I witnessed was an individual who had been molested by a grandfather, who had passed away without ever acknowledging his wrongdoing. The survivor’s anger and desire for revenge became an obsession. She so focused on the crime that she completely missed the opportunity she had been given to learn about real love, forgiveness and letting go. In its place, she seemed to believe that hatred would satisfy her thirst for vengeance and would somehow bring healing. As a result, this individual repeated over and over, “I’ll never forgive.” One of my favorite examples to use with children and adults of a character who didn’t forgive was that of Darth Vader. He was so preoccupied with those who trespassed against him that his hatred and revenge turned him literally into a machine. What a powerful archetype Darth Vader is of vengeance.
To forgive can be a problem for some to conceptualize because it can be a concept that is obscure, especially to our Western perspective, simply because we have been bombarded by the ideas of “getting even” and “mercy is for the weak.” And many times, the concept of forgiveness gets confused with the concept of reconciliation, which is related to forgiveness. Tangentially, reconciliation and restitution are even more closely related than forgiveness and reconciliation, although all three terms are orbital. Restitution “denotes a return of something once present, but has been taken away or lost.” (Bible Dictionary. P. 761) Reconciliation comes from the Latin words re-, meaning “again,” and conciliare, which means “to bring together.”
Again, the difficulty surrounding forgiveness is an understanding of the difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. And in many instances persons who have wronged another do not “own up” to their mistakes, especially when pride is involved, thus restitution does not happen and reconciliation doesn’t take place. And when reconciliation is not present, then what is the victim to do? Most victims don’t realize that forgiveness is a choice on their part, no matter what the victimizer does, or does not, do. Furthermore, if the victimizer seeks reconciliation, that action and healing can only occur if the victim is willing and able to forgive. Forgiveness is always the victim’s, or the survivor’s, decision. Again and in addition, reconciliation is impossible except the victim/survivor is willing and able to forgive and the victimizer apologizes or restores that which has been taken or was lost. Now I have been using the verbs “willing and able” because there is something problematic concerning forgiveness—you can’t fully forgive until you can allow yourself to feel the pain you were caused. And in our Western society, it seems that everyone attempts to avoid pain, or any other emotion for that matter. This is why forgiveness can be tricky. And if we don’t feel that pain, something much more toxic will take its place—anger and revenge! This occurs because a person who does not allow the expression of pain unconsciously builds resentment. This resentment, as it builds, needs to find an outlet. This outlet may be a physical one, such as hypertension or headaches, but usually the outlet is a more psychological one, such as depression or anger (turned outward or inward towards one’s self).
I once worked with a gentleman who, after twenty years of work, was fired because of office politics. He came in to see me because of an addiction to pain pills. He was a very sophisticated individual and saw himself as an enlightened and intellectual individual. In groups, this man would make many wonderful insights into other group members. He revealed one day that he felt he was addicted to anger. Anger began to fill the void that drugs had occupied. He began to say in group, “Those bastards who took away my job… I did nothing wrong, they were intimidated by me and because of their power issues they fired me.” Of course, his former employer made no restitution, so therefore he could “never forgive them,” although at the time of his firing he had said to his wife, “Oh well, it’s not that big of a deal, I’m just going to forget about it.” He had prematurely forgiven his employer, which leads to resentment, which led him to become addicted to pain pills. Psychologically, the concept of “forget” is called “repressed.” And when something is repressed, it hangs around, under the surface, needing expression somehow, physically or emotionally. When pain is repressed, it drags down all the emotions associated with that pain, thus making forgiveness impossible, because on some level you are just “keeping score.” Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting. To forgive is simply to stop wishing for revenge or to stop wanting to see the other person suffer in some way. But forgiveness is not blind. Because trust has been violated you cannot just forget what happened or else the same thing might happen again.

The authentic self cycle is the antithesis to the shadow cycle. And as oil and water repel each other, so do the shadow and the light. As one increases in light, the shadow diminishes.
As a negative self-fulfilling prophecy occurred in the dysfunctional shadow identity cycle (negative beliefs lead to negative shadow behaviors, and negative shadow behaviors lead to negative shadow consequences that continuously feed the dysfunctional shadow identity), in the authentic self cycle, light beliefs, such as “I am a good person” lead to light behaviors, such as serving others, which lead to light consequences, which create a positive self-fulfilling prophecy, which in turn feed the authentic self.

Dealing with a Difficult ex-Spouse

Dealing with a difficult ex-spouse can be very discouraging and defeating. Yet, we are called to continue trying to pursue good, to “turn the other cheek”, and “walk the extra mile.” Hopefully the following tips can aid you in your efforts to cope—because it’s all about the children.


1. Be sure to notice your own part of the ongoing conflict. Christian ex-spouses, for example, often feel justified in their anger toward their irresponsible ex-spouse. It’s easy, then, to also feel justified in your efforts to change them in whatever ways you feel are morally or practically necessary. Unfortunately, this sense of “rightness” often blinds good-hearted Christians from seeing just how their own behavior contributes to the ongoing cycle of conflict. Any time you try to change a difficult ex-spouse—even if for understandable moral reasons—you inadvertently invite hostility or a lack of cooperation in return. Learn to let go of what you can’t change so you don’t unknowingly keep the between home power struggles alive.

2. Stepparents should communicate a “non-threatening posture to the same-gender ex-spouse. An ex-wife, for example, may continue negativity because she is threatened by the presence of the new stepmother. It is helpful if the stepmother will communicate the following either by phone or email: “I just want you to know that I value your role with your children and I will never try to replace you. You are their mother and I’m not. I will support your decisions with the children, have them to your house on time, and never talk badly about you to the children. You have my word on that.” This helps to alleviate the need of the biological mother to bad-mouth the stepparent or the new marriage in order to keep her children’s loyalties.

3. Keep your “business meetings” impersonal to avoid excessive conflict. Face-to-face interaction has the most potential for conflict. Use the phone when possible or even talk to their answering machine if personal communication erupts into arguments. Use email or faxes when possible. Keep children from being exposed to negative interaction when it’s within your power.

4. Use a script to help you through negotiations. This strategy has helped thousands of parents. Before making a phone call, take the time to write out your thoughts including what you’ll say and not say. Also, anticipate what the other might say that will hurt or anger you. Stick to the business at hand and don’t get hooked into old arguments that won’t be solved with another fight. (For more on how to do this, see the “Be Prepared by Borrowing a Script and Sticking to It” section of the free Common Steps for Co-Parents e-booklet.)

5. Whenever possible, agree with some aspect of what you ex-spouse is suggesting. This good business principle applies in parenting as well. Even if you disagree with the main point, find some common ground.

6. Manage conversations by staying on matters of parenting. It is common for the conversations of “angry associate” co-parents to gravitate back toward negative personal matters of the past. Actively work to keep conversations focused on the children. If the conversation digresses to “old marital junk,” say something like, “I’d rather we discuss the schedule for this weekend. Where would you like to meet?” If the other continues to shift the conversation back to hurtful matters assertively say, “I’m sorry. I’m not interested in discussing us again. Let’s try this again later when we can focus on the weekend schedule.” Then, politely hang up the phone or walk away. Come back later and try again to stay on the parenting subject at hand.

7. When children have confusing or angry feelings toward your ex, don’t capitalize on their hurt and berate the other parent. Listen and help them explore their hurt feelings. If you can’t make positive statements about the other parent, strive for neutral ones. Let God’s statutes offer any necessary indictments on a parent’s behavior.

8. Remember that for children, choosing sides stinks! Children don’t want to compare their parents or choose one over the other. They simply want your permission to love each of you. This is especially important when the two of you can’t get along.

9. Wrestle with forgiveness. Hurt feelings from the past are the number one reason your ex—and you—overreact with one another. Do your part by striving to forgive them for the offenses of the past (and present). This will help you manage your emotions when dealing with them in the present.

10. Work hard to respect the other parent and his or her household. For your kids sake, find ways of being respectable even if you honestly can’t respect your ex-spouses lifestyle or choices. Do not personally criticize them, but don’t make excuses for their behavior either.

Reference: www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.com

Erickson's Story

Dr. Erickson (anonymous name) had been meeting with me for over six months when he wrote this history. Dr. Erickson was an older gentlemen, middle aged, married with older college aged children. As you read his story, focus on how his familial relationships, along with peer relationships affected his attraction towards men and how these relationships also affected his addictions.

I’m addicted to pornography and have been for many years. I have had periods, even long periods of staying away from it. But it always seems to come back into my life. I have had a compulsive masturbation habit and I have same-sex attraction issues dating back to my early teenage years. I’ve have had numerous adult male sexual encounters over periods of years.

My earliest recollection of exposure to pornography was at my cousin’s house when I was 9 or 10. My uncle had a Playboy in the house and my cousin showed it to me while we were home alone. I don’t remember what I saw but I remember feeling an incredibly intense feeling. When I was about 11 years old I started masturbating. I remember being immediately hooked to this habit. I knew it was wrong and it made me feel guilty but it also made me feel good. I, of course, hid it from everyone. I was shy and a fairly insecure person. All it did was feed on these feelings and made me feel all the worse but strangely, also helped me to cope with the stresses of that time of my life. Over the period of my teenage years I did it several times a week. Each time struggling to stop, realizing how it made me feel. But with each effort to stop came the urge to keep going. I feel Satan had his hooks in me at an early age. I take full responsibility but it seems that Satan has buffeted me unceasingly all of my life. Although I did this, I was active in the Church and always had a very strong testimony even at a very early age. I loved the gospel and have very good memories of my early life in the Church. I served in the presidency of all of the Aaronic Priesthood quorums and worked hard to compensate. I would get positive feedback from adults and wanted to please people. But I still felt inadequate and weak.

When I was about 12 or 13, I discussed these kinds of things with my friends and found they were doing the same things. As we discussed it, one of my friends suggested we masturbate together and touch each other. For several months I resisted. But I wanted to do it and finally I relinquished. For a period of about 2 years three friends and I would masturbate together and had oral sex. It felt great but I knew it was wrong. Pornography during this time was magazines that we would periodically get a hold of. I also knew it was wrong and I would vow to never repeat it. I felt totally conflicted. It seemed to relieve the pain and loneliness that I seemed to feel due to my shyness and insecurity about myself. It made me feel a part of something. It was incredibly selfish in retrospect but I didn’t fully realize the danger. This occurred through middle school. My mother actually asked me about it at one point because she became suspicious. This was very uncharacteristic of her. I talked with my mother and father about it and told them what I had been doing. It hurt them a lot and I felt I had totally let them down. My parents and I didn’t discuss it much after that.

I have wondered how my family relationships, particularly with my parents, were instrumental in my development of same sex attraction and addictive behavior patterns. I place no blame on anyone, including myself, as I believe this has not role in recovery. There were no overt abusive tendencies in my family and certainly no sexual abuse ever occurred…at least that I can remember. I had wonderful and caring parents who did the best they could.

My father was distant from me in many ways. I don’t really remember him showing me any physical affection until I was into adulthood and then rarely. I was equally distant from him. I don’t really know if I was afraid of him or if it was just my nature, but I didn’t want to show him much affection either. I didn’t feel “connected” to my father and never felt comfortable with any type of vulnerability or intimacy with him. He was a great athlete throughout his life. He coached sports at the jr. high and high school level mostly before I can remember. Later he became more involved with education/school administration. As a child I was afraid of participating in sports. I felt awkward and shy. I felt vulnerable to ridicule and criticism. Although I don’t remember my father ever doing that, I felt painfully aware of his disappointment in me. It may have been in my own mind but I don’t remember him ever saying anything that would dispel the feelings.

My relationship with my mother was different. As a small child I remember being very close to her. I remember sitting on her lap and being rocked when I was sick or just needed it. She shielded me in many ways when I look back on it. The problem I had with my mother was that I wouldn’t be honest with my feelings. I had a great desire to please her and make her proud of me and couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to her about things that bothered me. Actually the same with my father but I felt that was more difficult. In retrospect I felt some how demasculinated in my home growing up. My parents didn’t do that on purpose nor were they overtly emotionally abusive. It was my perception and we didn’t communicate well.

At one time late in high school I felt bad enough about the experience with my friends that I told my Bishop. He didn’t really follow-up with me and the masturbation problem continued. I didn’t confide in anyone else.

It was at this time that I started high school and we gradually stopped doing these things together. But I thought about it a lot. I became more involved in high school activities and less with these friends. However, the problem with masturbation continued through high school. I dated girls and had a very active and good high school experience. I never felt strong sexual feelings toward girls even though I dated a lot. But I do remember being very curious about guys.

When I graduated from high school I knew I had a year of college before my mission. I wanted to be a missionary since a small boy. I knew I couldn’t go on my mission with this problem and struggled for a year to control myself and did quite well. I still felt I could pray. A few months before I was to put in my papers Satan’s buffeting seem to worsen. I went into a depression that caused a pain that up to that point I hadn’t experienced. At one time, while in a park, I was enticed by an older college student to go to his apartment. I avoided the situation and nothing happened but I remember feeling an intense curiosity and guilt.

Upon my mission interview I again told my Bishop (who had been my young men’s president) generalities of my friends’ encounters. I felt at that time in my life I had control and had an intense desire to be a missionary. He felt I was ready and frankly so did I at that point.

I served an honorable mission and had no serious problems while on my mission. I continued to feel extraordinarily inadequate however at everything I did. This despite what might be considered outward success. I never felt I could live up to my own expectations.

When I returned home from my mission I went back to college. One time I remember being in SLC and walking the street. I was by myself. I entered a bookstore. Lined on the side was a variety of pornographic magazines. Although I remember feeling very embarrassed I picked up several of them and thumbed through them. The ones that enticed me were homosexual in nature and the carnality tantalized me. I felt awful. But the images of these magazines now were in my mind and kept racing through my mind. I returned to this place any time I could.

Some times during this time I fell back to masturbation. However I don’t remember the particulars and overall I was very happy over the next 2 years with my friends and the college experience. I had no sexual encounters and some how learned to live with the problem. I told no one of these problems I was experiencing.

My wife and I dated and I asked her to marry me. I didn’t tell her of these problems and our courtship was clean. I remember wanting to have a traditional marriage and family. I loved my wife but was confused that I didn’t feel this overwhelming sexual desire that everyone kept warning me would be there. I was uncomfortable talking about the subject with anyone. I thought that if I did the right things everything would work out. I don’t remember having masturbation problems during this time but likely did.

After we were married I again fell into a very deep depression for about a year. I struggled just to survive day to day. During this time of my life when is should be the very happiest, I was in deep despair. And honestly I couldn’t figure out why. It affected my wife. She thought it was her that caused it and I struggled not to show my true emotions. We had a good relationship overall but I was guarded. This started a pattern of secrecy in my marriage that was not intentional but was a matter, I thought, of survival.

I don’t remember much about that year but probably off and on continued to have masturbation as a problem as this was the pattern of how I dealt with strong emotions and feelings. Despite this I worked hard to make my wife happy. I went to the school and worked and she worked full time. Although I loved her and she was wonderful, I often felt pangs of loneliness and unworthiness that overwhelmed me. I didn’t understand what was happening. Only the thought of my wife and my family kept me going. I hid this from her and everyone else.

After my first daughter was born a year later I felt improved. I began to exercise regularly at the university, swimming mostly. I found myself looking at the other men dressing and some how found that it relieved my stress temporarily. I never let on to anyone that I was watching nor did I do anything to try to meet men. However it feed some fantasies into my mind that on one hand was unwanted but on the other hand relieved pain. I seemed to have an obsession on this activity for the next year. Also during this time I was commuting 50 miles working the night shift at a hospital lab. I was alone a lot. I would occasionally masturbate in the car. This was not an exhibitionist activity because I never wanted anyone to see me but another facet of the activity.

After graduation, we moved to another location away from the university and that stopped. But I continued to masturbate regularly I’m sure although I don’t remember that aspect of my life as well. Again no one knew my secret feelings but the inferiority and feeling of worthlessness continued. I tried many times to stop over these years but seemed to not be able to.

I entered medical school and the military and we moved to another state. It was a great start to a new experience. I seemed to go through periods where I was adjusted to the feelings. We made friends quickly in our new circumstances. Somehow I found the number to a same gender pornographic phone line. I don’t remember where. It required payment by a credit card to use and so I never talked with anyone on the line except for one time when it went through and I quickly hung up not knowing what to say – it was on a pay phone. But for some reason I called it over and over again compulsively for several months despite only the one time actually talking with anyone. When I tried to study at school my thought would often race about same gender sex and I would masturbate to relieve the stress.

During my second year I found a bookstore not far away that sold adult magazines. I would occasionally leave and go there. I never bought any magazines but would look at the covers and thumb through them. There were also adult videos to buy or rent and I would look at the covers. I did buy one once but mostly just looked at the covers in the store. This filled my mind again and just seemed to feed the problem.

During this time I would stop periodically. Although I did these things I remember my home life being very happy with my wife and the children. My son was born during this time period. It was as if I was leading 2 different lives. I shielded her from this desperately and could not think of hurting her. Embarrassment, pride, and fear that she would leave me kept me from getting the proper help I needed. I continued in a cycle of addiction and remorse. Strangely I held things together and these activities were just another part of my life.

During my third year of medical school I started my hospital clerkships. I would occasionally go to the restroom at one of the hospitals and would masturbate. I soon discovered that other people went there to for the same reason. At first, I would leave if I knew someone was there. But slowly I became enticed. Over the next 2 years I would have multiple encounters there with mutual masturbation, touching each other in the genital area, and eventual but only rarely oral sex. I never knew any of these people. I never saw nor talked with any of them outside of this setting. I never developed a relationship with anyone nor ever knew their names. It was purely for selfish gratification.

My home life continued to be wonderful. I struggled to be happy but knew I couldn’t be fully. I provided a happy home environment despite these terrible things I was doing. I remained active in the Church and never lost nor doubted my testimony.

I believed, by this time, that Heavenly Father couldn't possibly love me and despite church callings and activity I lost my ability to pray meaningfully.

When we moved to another state in 1991 I started residency. The stress in my life severely worsened. I found an adult video store close to the military base and would visit it frequently when I was able. It seemed to relieve the stress. I had many dark, remorseful, and hopeless feelings during those years. I was apart from my family so much and dealt with these problems alone on top of the stresses of medical residency. I was working often between 90 to 110 hours a week. I often felt I couldn't go on. Occasionally I would see a patient and tell myself I would resign afterwards. On one occasion I remember standing on the 9th floor of the hospital at 4:00 AM and looked out the window and saw my car in the parking lot. I thought of leaving and driving as far away as I could. Suicide or dieing in a motor vehicle accident was not far from my mind. It’s difficult to understand why these feelings didn’t stop me but it just kept me in the cycle. I was utterly powerless.

In the video store I could watch videos in booths for a short period of time. Mostly I masturbated and watched other do the same things. Through those years that was what occurred mostly. On a few occasions if I was there at night, a few people approached me to go to their car. We never spoke but would masturbate together and again on rare occasion had oral sex. Never did I have a relationship beyond that.

There was a rest room elsewhere I also found that similar activities occurred in as before. While there if a stranger came in and I could tell he was there for the same reason, we would masturbate together, touch each other, and again have oral sex. I was on a deep path of destruction but some how couldn’t quit for any length of time.

I finished my medical training and we moved to yet another state in 1996. I wanted to make a new start. I felt if I could just stop eventually I would make things right. The secrecy was eating at me but the carnality and curiosity kept me from doing the right things. There our family was greatly needed in the ward. We served diligently and seem to have a great impact in many lives.

While there I got involved again in pornography. During lunch hours and other times I would go to the video stores and spent hours watching gay pornography. Only rarely did I view magazines. It mostly consisted of watching videos there. I continued to have encounters as previously in the booths. There were a few other encounters as well on a dark deserted beach or at a park. Again, never did I know any of these people nor did I develop a relationship with any of them.

I tried to stop my deplorable actions by myself. I wanted desperately to be clean and to just have this taken from my life. I sensed that because of my profession and background people seemed to look up to me. How could I possibly let anyone see me for who I was? I kept telling myself that there was no hope for me anyway and that if I could some how get my family and my friends to the celestial kingdom without anyone knowing I would not have to hurt anyone. This is the lie that I continued to perpetuate but somehow believed. To survive I kept telling myself that tomorrow would be better and my feelings would change if I just held on.

I was one time questioned by military police concerning my behavior in a steam room. I tried to make contact with someone who reported me. It lead to nothing but it frightened me beyond belief. For days I couldn’t sleep or eat. I became quite despondent but continued to work and try to keep my life together. The pain of that incident gradually subsided and then I fell back into the same patterns. We were again reassigned and moved several months later. I was relieved to leave.

During business trips through the years I would seek pornography out and go the video theater and store. I also had same sex encounters during those times as well. I would also find bathhouses and gay bars. I frequented those as often as I could. On some conference weeks I would either be in meetings or at these places. On one occasion I remember barely eating anything during the week so my money could be spent on these activities without making my wife suspicious as to where the money was spent. I lost 8 pounds that week. I also rarely slept as I would be in these places through the night. The adrenaline and high that these activities gave me kept me going without food or sleep.

It was 1999 now and I continued to have problems with masturbation. I would go to the adult video store and fill my mind with pornography. There in the theater I had encounters with masturbation, mutual masturbation, and oral sex. I even had anal sex on a few occasions when the circumstances enabled this.

I then started on the internet. Even though there were filters in place I could still find enough pornography. This was yet another avenue and facet to my addiction. It was at this time that my wife found out that I was viewing pornography on the internet. I initially denied it but then told her everything I had been doing. I came forward and was disfellowshipped for 5 ½ years. I worked with a therapist with some success although I struggled tremendously. I began to understand I wasn’t alone and some of the things that drove me to the behaviors. I was able to control much of what previously had been uncontrollable. But it took a toll on my marriage. New feelings of inadequacy have been there and difficult to deal with through the years.

I didn’t have any encounters but masturbation gradually crept back into my life. I didn’t view pornography but I found a phone number to a gay phone line. I used to call it and talk to people on the line but did not meet up with anyone and struggled to keep clean. I didn’t feel I had yet mastered the coping skills.

I retired from the military and we moved back to the same state where I grew up. I kept clean although I masturbated very frequently. I again found the phone line and it became a compulsive habit