Dealing with a difficult ex-spouse can be very discouraging and defeating. Yet, we are called to continue trying to pursue good, to “turn the other cheek”, and “walk the extra mile.” Hopefully the following tips can aid you in your efforts to cope—because it’s all about the children.
1. Be sure to notice your own part of the ongoing conflict. Christian ex-spouses, for example, often feel justified in their anger toward their irresponsible ex-spouse. It’s easy, then, to also feel justified in your efforts to change them in whatever ways you feel are morally or practically necessary. Unfortunately, this sense of “rightness” often blinds good-hearted Christians from seeing just how their own behavior contributes to the ongoing cycle of conflict. Any time you try to change a difficult ex-spouse—even if for understandable moral reasons—you inadvertently invite hostility or a lack of cooperation in return. Learn to let go of what you can’t change so you don’t unknowingly keep the between home power struggles alive.
2. Stepparents should communicate a “non-threatening posture to the same-gender ex-spouse. An ex-wife, for example, may continue negativity because she is threatened by the presence of the new stepmother. It is helpful if the stepmother will communicate the following either by phone or email: “I just want you to know that I value your role with your children and I will never try to replace you. You are their mother and I’m not. I will support your decisions with the children, have them to your house on time, and never talk badly about you to the children. You have my word on that.” This helps to alleviate the need of the biological mother to bad-mouth the stepparent or the new marriage in order to keep her children’s loyalties.
3. Keep your “business meetings” impersonal to avoid excessive conflict. Face-to-face interaction has the most potential for conflict. Use the phone when possible or even talk to their answering machine if personal communication erupts into arguments. Use email or faxes when possible. Keep children from being exposed to negative interaction when it’s within your power.
4. Use a script to help you through negotiations. This strategy has helped thousands of parents. Before making a phone call, take the time to write out your thoughts including what you’ll say and not say. Also, anticipate what the other might say that will hurt or anger you. Stick to the business at hand and don’t get hooked into old arguments that won’t be solved with another fight. (For more on how to do this, see the “Be Prepared by Borrowing a Script and Sticking to It” section of the free Common Steps for Co-Parents e-booklet.)
5. Whenever possible, agree with some aspect of what you ex-spouse is suggesting. This good business principle applies in parenting as well. Even if you disagree with the main point, find some common ground.
6. Manage conversations by staying on matters of parenting. It is common for the conversations of “angry associate” co-parents to gravitate back toward negative personal matters of the past. Actively work to keep conversations focused on the children. If the conversation digresses to “old marital junk,” say something like, “I’d rather we discuss the schedule for this weekend. Where would you like to meet?” If the other continues to shift the conversation back to hurtful matters assertively say, “I’m sorry. I’m not interested in discussing us again. Let’s try this again later when we can focus on the weekend schedule.” Then, politely hang up the phone or walk away. Come back later and try again to stay on the parenting subject at hand.
7. When children have confusing or angry feelings toward your ex, don’t capitalize on their hurt and berate the other parent. Listen and help them explore their hurt feelings. If you can’t make positive statements about the other parent, strive for neutral ones. Let God’s statutes offer any necessary indictments on a parent’s behavior.
8. Remember that for children, choosing sides stinks! Children don’t want to compare their parents or choose one over the other. They simply want your permission to love each of you. This is especially important when the two of you can’t get along.
9. Wrestle with forgiveness. Hurt feelings from the past are the number one reason your ex—and you—overreact with one another. Do your part by striving to forgive them for the offenses of the past (and present). This will help you manage your emotions when dealing with them in the present.
10. Work hard to respect the other parent and his or her household. For your kids sake, find ways of being respectable even if you honestly can’t respect your ex-spouses lifestyle or choices. Do not personally criticize them, but don’t make excuses for their behavior either.
Reference: www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.com
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Erickson's Story
Dr. Erickson (anonymous name) had been meeting with me for over six months when he wrote this history. Dr. Erickson was an older gentlemen, middle aged, married with older college aged children. As you read his story, focus on how his familial relationships, along with peer relationships affected his attraction towards men and how these relationships also affected his addictions.
I’m addicted to pornography and have been for many years. I have had periods, even long periods of staying away from it. But it always seems to come back into my life. I have had a compulsive masturbation habit and I have same-sex attraction issues dating back to my early teenage years. I’ve have had numerous adult male sexual encounters over periods of years.
My earliest recollection of exposure to pornography was at my cousin’s house when I was 9 or 10. My uncle had a Playboy in the house and my cousin showed it to me while we were home alone. I don’t remember what I saw but I remember feeling an incredibly intense feeling. When I was about 11 years old I started masturbating. I remember being immediately hooked to this habit. I knew it was wrong and it made me feel guilty but it also made me feel good. I, of course, hid it from everyone. I was shy and a fairly insecure person. All it did was feed on these feelings and made me feel all the worse but strangely, also helped me to cope with the stresses of that time of my life. Over the period of my teenage years I did it several times a week. Each time struggling to stop, realizing how it made me feel. But with each effort to stop came the urge to keep going. I feel Satan had his hooks in me at an early age. I take full responsibility but it seems that Satan has buffeted me unceasingly all of my life. Although I did this, I was active in the Church and always had a very strong testimony even at a very early age. I loved the gospel and have very good memories of my early life in the Church. I served in the presidency of all of the Aaronic Priesthood quorums and worked hard to compensate. I would get positive feedback from adults and wanted to please people. But I still felt inadequate and weak.
When I was about 12 or 13, I discussed these kinds of things with my friends and found they were doing the same things. As we discussed it, one of my friends suggested we masturbate together and touch each other. For several months I resisted. But I wanted to do it and finally I relinquished. For a period of about 2 years three friends and I would masturbate together and had oral sex. It felt great but I knew it was wrong. Pornography during this time was magazines that we would periodically get a hold of. I also knew it was wrong and I would vow to never repeat it. I felt totally conflicted. It seemed to relieve the pain and loneliness that I seemed to feel due to my shyness and insecurity about myself. It made me feel a part of something. It was incredibly selfish in retrospect but I didn’t fully realize the danger. This occurred through middle school. My mother actually asked me about it at one point because she became suspicious. This was very uncharacteristic of her. I talked with my mother and father about it and told them what I had been doing. It hurt them a lot and I felt I had totally let them down. My parents and I didn’t discuss it much after that.
I have wondered how my family relationships, particularly with my parents, were instrumental in my development of same sex attraction and addictive behavior patterns. I place no blame on anyone, including myself, as I believe this has not role in recovery. There were no overt abusive tendencies in my family and certainly no sexual abuse ever occurred…at least that I can remember. I had wonderful and caring parents who did the best they could.
My father was distant from me in many ways. I don’t really remember him showing me any physical affection until I was into adulthood and then rarely. I was equally distant from him. I don’t really know if I was afraid of him or if it was just my nature, but I didn’t want to show him much affection either. I didn’t feel “connected” to my father and never felt comfortable with any type of vulnerability or intimacy with him. He was a great athlete throughout his life. He coached sports at the jr. high and high school level mostly before I can remember. Later he became more involved with education/school administration. As a child I was afraid of participating in sports. I felt awkward and shy. I felt vulnerable to ridicule and criticism. Although I don’t remember my father ever doing that, I felt painfully aware of his disappointment in me. It may have been in my own mind but I don’t remember him ever saying anything that would dispel the feelings.
My relationship with my mother was different. As a small child I remember being very close to her. I remember sitting on her lap and being rocked when I was sick or just needed it. She shielded me in many ways when I look back on it. The problem I had with my mother was that I wouldn’t be honest with my feelings. I had a great desire to please her and make her proud of me and couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to her about things that bothered me. Actually the same with my father but I felt that was more difficult. In retrospect I felt some how demasculinated in my home growing up. My parents didn’t do that on purpose nor were they overtly emotionally abusive. It was my perception and we didn’t communicate well.
At one time late in high school I felt bad enough about the experience with my friends that I told my Bishop. He didn’t really follow-up with me and the masturbation problem continued. I didn’t confide in anyone else.
It was at this time that I started high school and we gradually stopped doing these things together. But I thought about it a lot. I became more involved in high school activities and less with these friends. However, the problem with masturbation continued through high school. I dated girls and had a very active and good high school experience. I never felt strong sexual feelings toward girls even though I dated a lot. But I do remember being very curious about guys.
When I graduated from high school I knew I had a year of college before my mission. I wanted to be a missionary since a small boy. I knew I couldn’t go on my mission with this problem and struggled for a year to control myself and did quite well. I still felt I could pray. A few months before I was to put in my papers Satan’s buffeting seem to worsen. I went into a depression that caused a pain that up to that point I hadn’t experienced. At one time, while in a park, I was enticed by an older college student to go to his apartment. I avoided the situation and nothing happened but I remember feeling an intense curiosity and guilt.
Upon my mission interview I again told my Bishop (who had been my young men’s president) generalities of my friends’ encounters. I felt at that time in my life I had control and had an intense desire to be a missionary. He felt I was ready and frankly so did I at that point.
I served an honorable mission and had no serious problems while on my mission. I continued to feel extraordinarily inadequate however at everything I did. This despite what might be considered outward success. I never felt I could live up to my own expectations.
When I returned home from my mission I went back to college. One time I remember being in SLC and walking the street. I was by myself. I entered a bookstore. Lined on the side was a variety of pornographic magazines. Although I remember feeling very embarrassed I picked up several of them and thumbed through them. The ones that enticed me were homosexual in nature and the carnality tantalized me. I felt awful. But the images of these magazines now were in my mind and kept racing through my mind. I returned to this place any time I could.
Some times during this time I fell back to masturbation. However I don’t remember the particulars and overall I was very happy over the next 2 years with my friends and the college experience. I had no sexual encounters and some how learned to live with the problem. I told no one of these problems I was experiencing.
My wife and I dated and I asked her to marry me. I didn’t tell her of these problems and our courtship was clean. I remember wanting to have a traditional marriage and family. I loved my wife but was confused that I didn’t feel this overwhelming sexual desire that everyone kept warning me would be there. I was uncomfortable talking about the subject with anyone. I thought that if I did the right things everything would work out. I don’t remember having masturbation problems during this time but likely did.
After we were married I again fell into a very deep depression for about a year. I struggled just to survive day to day. During this time of my life when is should be the very happiest, I was in deep despair. And honestly I couldn’t figure out why. It affected my wife. She thought it was her that caused it and I struggled not to show my true emotions. We had a good relationship overall but I was guarded. This started a pattern of secrecy in my marriage that was not intentional but was a matter, I thought, of survival.
I don’t remember much about that year but probably off and on continued to have masturbation as a problem as this was the pattern of how I dealt with strong emotions and feelings. Despite this I worked hard to make my wife happy. I went to the school and worked and she worked full time. Although I loved her and she was wonderful, I often felt pangs of loneliness and unworthiness that overwhelmed me. I didn’t understand what was happening. Only the thought of my wife and my family kept me going. I hid this from her and everyone else.
After my first daughter was born a year later I felt improved. I began to exercise regularly at the university, swimming mostly. I found myself looking at the other men dressing and some how found that it relieved my stress temporarily. I never let on to anyone that I was watching nor did I do anything to try to meet men. However it feed some fantasies into my mind that on one hand was unwanted but on the other hand relieved pain. I seemed to have an obsession on this activity for the next year. Also during this time I was commuting 50 miles working the night shift at a hospital lab. I was alone a lot. I would occasionally masturbate in the car. This was not an exhibitionist activity because I never wanted anyone to see me but another facet of the activity.
After graduation, we moved to another location away from the university and that stopped. But I continued to masturbate regularly I’m sure although I don’t remember that aspect of my life as well. Again no one knew my secret feelings but the inferiority and feeling of worthlessness continued. I tried many times to stop over these years but seemed to not be able to.
I entered medical school and the military and we moved to another state. It was a great start to a new experience. I seemed to go through periods where I was adjusted to the feelings. We made friends quickly in our new circumstances. Somehow I found the number to a same gender pornographic phone line. I don’t remember where. It required payment by a credit card to use and so I never talked with anyone on the line except for one time when it went through and I quickly hung up not knowing what to say – it was on a pay phone. But for some reason I called it over and over again compulsively for several months despite only the one time actually talking with anyone. When I tried to study at school my thought would often race about same gender sex and I would masturbate to relieve the stress.
During my second year I found a bookstore not far away that sold adult magazines. I would occasionally leave and go there. I never bought any magazines but would look at the covers and thumb through them. There were also adult videos to buy or rent and I would look at the covers. I did buy one once but mostly just looked at the covers in the store. This filled my mind again and just seemed to feed the problem.
During this time I would stop periodically. Although I did these things I remember my home life being very happy with my wife and the children. My son was born during this time period. It was as if I was leading 2 different lives. I shielded her from this desperately and could not think of hurting her. Embarrassment, pride, and fear that she would leave me kept me from getting the proper help I needed. I continued in a cycle of addiction and remorse. Strangely I held things together and these activities were just another part of my life.
During my third year of medical school I started my hospital clerkships. I would occasionally go to the restroom at one of the hospitals and would masturbate. I soon discovered that other people went there to for the same reason. At first, I would leave if I knew someone was there. But slowly I became enticed. Over the next 2 years I would have multiple encounters there with mutual masturbation, touching each other in the genital area, and eventual but only rarely oral sex. I never knew any of these people. I never saw nor talked with any of them outside of this setting. I never developed a relationship with anyone nor ever knew their names. It was purely for selfish gratification.
My home life continued to be wonderful. I struggled to be happy but knew I couldn’t be fully. I provided a happy home environment despite these terrible things I was doing. I remained active in the Church and never lost nor doubted my testimony.
I believed, by this time, that Heavenly Father couldn't possibly love me and despite church callings and activity I lost my ability to pray meaningfully.
When we moved to another state in 1991 I started residency. The stress in my life severely worsened. I found an adult video store close to the military base and would visit it frequently when I was able. It seemed to relieve the stress. I had many dark, remorseful, and hopeless feelings during those years. I was apart from my family so much and dealt with these problems alone on top of the stresses of medical residency. I was working often between 90 to 110 hours a week. I often felt I couldn't go on. Occasionally I would see a patient and tell myself I would resign afterwards. On one occasion I remember standing on the 9th floor of the hospital at 4:00 AM and looked out the window and saw my car in the parking lot. I thought of leaving and driving as far away as I could. Suicide or dieing in a motor vehicle accident was not far from my mind. It’s difficult to understand why these feelings didn’t stop me but it just kept me in the cycle. I was utterly powerless.
In the video store I could watch videos in booths for a short period of time. Mostly I masturbated and watched other do the same things. Through those years that was what occurred mostly. On a few occasions if I was there at night, a few people approached me to go to their car. We never spoke but would masturbate together and again on rare occasion had oral sex. Never did I have a relationship beyond that.
There was a rest room elsewhere I also found that similar activities occurred in as before. While there if a stranger came in and I could tell he was there for the same reason, we would masturbate together, touch each other, and again have oral sex. I was on a deep path of destruction but some how couldn’t quit for any length of time.
I finished my medical training and we moved to yet another state in 1996. I wanted to make a new start. I felt if I could just stop eventually I would make things right. The secrecy was eating at me but the carnality and curiosity kept me from doing the right things. There our family was greatly needed in the ward. We served diligently and seem to have a great impact in many lives.
While there I got involved again in pornography. During lunch hours and other times I would go to the video stores and spent hours watching gay pornography. Only rarely did I view magazines. It mostly consisted of watching videos there. I continued to have encounters as previously in the booths. There were a few other encounters as well on a dark deserted beach or at a park. Again, never did I know any of these people nor did I develop a relationship with any of them.
I tried to stop my deplorable actions by myself. I wanted desperately to be clean and to just have this taken from my life. I sensed that because of my profession and background people seemed to look up to me. How could I possibly let anyone see me for who I was? I kept telling myself that there was no hope for me anyway and that if I could some how get my family and my friends to the celestial kingdom without anyone knowing I would not have to hurt anyone. This is the lie that I continued to perpetuate but somehow believed. To survive I kept telling myself that tomorrow would be better and my feelings would change if I just held on.
I was one time questioned by military police concerning my behavior in a steam room. I tried to make contact with someone who reported me. It lead to nothing but it frightened me beyond belief. For days I couldn’t sleep or eat. I became quite despondent but continued to work and try to keep my life together. The pain of that incident gradually subsided and then I fell back into the same patterns. We were again reassigned and moved several months later. I was relieved to leave.
During business trips through the years I would seek pornography out and go the video theater and store. I also had same sex encounters during those times as well. I would also find bathhouses and gay bars. I frequented those as often as I could. On some conference weeks I would either be in meetings or at these places. On one occasion I remember barely eating anything during the week so my money could be spent on these activities without making my wife suspicious as to where the money was spent. I lost 8 pounds that week. I also rarely slept as I would be in these places through the night. The adrenaline and high that these activities gave me kept me going without food or sleep.
It was 1999 now and I continued to have problems with masturbation. I would go to the adult video store and fill my mind with pornography. There in the theater I had encounters with masturbation, mutual masturbation, and oral sex. I even had anal sex on a few occasions when the circumstances enabled this.
I then started on the internet. Even though there were filters in place I could still find enough pornography. This was yet another avenue and facet to my addiction. It was at this time that my wife found out that I was viewing pornography on the internet. I initially denied it but then told her everything I had been doing. I came forward and was disfellowshipped for 5 ½ years. I worked with a therapist with some success although I struggled tremendously. I began to understand I wasn’t alone and some of the things that drove me to the behaviors. I was able to control much of what previously had been uncontrollable. But it took a toll on my marriage. New feelings of inadequacy have been there and difficult to deal with through the years.
I didn’t have any encounters but masturbation gradually crept back into my life. I didn’t view pornography but I found a phone number to a gay phone line. I used to call it and talk to people on the line but did not meet up with anyone and struggled to keep clean. I didn’t feel I had yet mastered the coping skills.
I retired from the military and we moved back to the same state where I grew up. I kept clean although I masturbated very frequently. I again found the phone line and it became a compulsive habit
I’m addicted to pornography and have been for many years. I have had periods, even long periods of staying away from it. But it always seems to come back into my life. I have had a compulsive masturbation habit and I have same-sex attraction issues dating back to my early teenage years. I’ve have had numerous adult male sexual encounters over periods of years.
My earliest recollection of exposure to pornography was at my cousin’s house when I was 9 or 10. My uncle had a Playboy in the house and my cousin showed it to me while we were home alone. I don’t remember what I saw but I remember feeling an incredibly intense feeling. When I was about 11 years old I started masturbating. I remember being immediately hooked to this habit. I knew it was wrong and it made me feel guilty but it also made me feel good. I, of course, hid it from everyone. I was shy and a fairly insecure person. All it did was feed on these feelings and made me feel all the worse but strangely, also helped me to cope with the stresses of that time of my life. Over the period of my teenage years I did it several times a week. Each time struggling to stop, realizing how it made me feel. But with each effort to stop came the urge to keep going. I feel Satan had his hooks in me at an early age. I take full responsibility but it seems that Satan has buffeted me unceasingly all of my life. Although I did this, I was active in the Church and always had a very strong testimony even at a very early age. I loved the gospel and have very good memories of my early life in the Church. I served in the presidency of all of the Aaronic Priesthood quorums and worked hard to compensate. I would get positive feedback from adults and wanted to please people. But I still felt inadequate and weak.
When I was about 12 or 13, I discussed these kinds of things with my friends and found they were doing the same things. As we discussed it, one of my friends suggested we masturbate together and touch each other. For several months I resisted. But I wanted to do it and finally I relinquished. For a period of about 2 years three friends and I would masturbate together and had oral sex. It felt great but I knew it was wrong. Pornography during this time was magazines that we would periodically get a hold of. I also knew it was wrong and I would vow to never repeat it. I felt totally conflicted. It seemed to relieve the pain and loneliness that I seemed to feel due to my shyness and insecurity about myself. It made me feel a part of something. It was incredibly selfish in retrospect but I didn’t fully realize the danger. This occurred through middle school. My mother actually asked me about it at one point because she became suspicious. This was very uncharacteristic of her. I talked with my mother and father about it and told them what I had been doing. It hurt them a lot and I felt I had totally let them down. My parents and I didn’t discuss it much after that.
I have wondered how my family relationships, particularly with my parents, were instrumental in my development of same sex attraction and addictive behavior patterns. I place no blame on anyone, including myself, as I believe this has not role in recovery. There were no overt abusive tendencies in my family and certainly no sexual abuse ever occurred…at least that I can remember. I had wonderful and caring parents who did the best they could.
My father was distant from me in many ways. I don’t really remember him showing me any physical affection until I was into adulthood and then rarely. I was equally distant from him. I don’t really know if I was afraid of him or if it was just my nature, but I didn’t want to show him much affection either. I didn’t feel “connected” to my father and never felt comfortable with any type of vulnerability or intimacy with him. He was a great athlete throughout his life. He coached sports at the jr. high and high school level mostly before I can remember. Later he became more involved with education/school administration. As a child I was afraid of participating in sports. I felt awkward and shy. I felt vulnerable to ridicule and criticism. Although I don’t remember my father ever doing that, I felt painfully aware of his disappointment in me. It may have been in my own mind but I don’t remember him ever saying anything that would dispel the feelings.
My relationship with my mother was different. As a small child I remember being very close to her. I remember sitting on her lap and being rocked when I was sick or just needed it. She shielded me in many ways when I look back on it. The problem I had with my mother was that I wouldn’t be honest with my feelings. I had a great desire to please her and make her proud of me and couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to her about things that bothered me. Actually the same with my father but I felt that was more difficult. In retrospect I felt some how demasculinated in my home growing up. My parents didn’t do that on purpose nor were they overtly emotionally abusive. It was my perception and we didn’t communicate well.
At one time late in high school I felt bad enough about the experience with my friends that I told my Bishop. He didn’t really follow-up with me and the masturbation problem continued. I didn’t confide in anyone else.
It was at this time that I started high school and we gradually stopped doing these things together. But I thought about it a lot. I became more involved in high school activities and less with these friends. However, the problem with masturbation continued through high school. I dated girls and had a very active and good high school experience. I never felt strong sexual feelings toward girls even though I dated a lot. But I do remember being very curious about guys.
When I graduated from high school I knew I had a year of college before my mission. I wanted to be a missionary since a small boy. I knew I couldn’t go on my mission with this problem and struggled for a year to control myself and did quite well. I still felt I could pray. A few months before I was to put in my papers Satan’s buffeting seem to worsen. I went into a depression that caused a pain that up to that point I hadn’t experienced. At one time, while in a park, I was enticed by an older college student to go to his apartment. I avoided the situation and nothing happened but I remember feeling an intense curiosity and guilt.
Upon my mission interview I again told my Bishop (who had been my young men’s president) generalities of my friends’ encounters. I felt at that time in my life I had control and had an intense desire to be a missionary. He felt I was ready and frankly so did I at that point.
I served an honorable mission and had no serious problems while on my mission. I continued to feel extraordinarily inadequate however at everything I did. This despite what might be considered outward success. I never felt I could live up to my own expectations.
When I returned home from my mission I went back to college. One time I remember being in SLC and walking the street. I was by myself. I entered a bookstore. Lined on the side was a variety of pornographic magazines. Although I remember feeling very embarrassed I picked up several of them and thumbed through them. The ones that enticed me were homosexual in nature and the carnality tantalized me. I felt awful. But the images of these magazines now were in my mind and kept racing through my mind. I returned to this place any time I could.
Some times during this time I fell back to masturbation. However I don’t remember the particulars and overall I was very happy over the next 2 years with my friends and the college experience. I had no sexual encounters and some how learned to live with the problem. I told no one of these problems I was experiencing.
My wife and I dated and I asked her to marry me. I didn’t tell her of these problems and our courtship was clean. I remember wanting to have a traditional marriage and family. I loved my wife but was confused that I didn’t feel this overwhelming sexual desire that everyone kept warning me would be there. I was uncomfortable talking about the subject with anyone. I thought that if I did the right things everything would work out. I don’t remember having masturbation problems during this time but likely did.
After we were married I again fell into a very deep depression for about a year. I struggled just to survive day to day. During this time of my life when is should be the very happiest, I was in deep despair. And honestly I couldn’t figure out why. It affected my wife. She thought it was her that caused it and I struggled not to show my true emotions. We had a good relationship overall but I was guarded. This started a pattern of secrecy in my marriage that was not intentional but was a matter, I thought, of survival.
I don’t remember much about that year but probably off and on continued to have masturbation as a problem as this was the pattern of how I dealt with strong emotions and feelings. Despite this I worked hard to make my wife happy. I went to the school and worked and she worked full time. Although I loved her and she was wonderful, I often felt pangs of loneliness and unworthiness that overwhelmed me. I didn’t understand what was happening. Only the thought of my wife and my family kept me going. I hid this from her and everyone else.
After my first daughter was born a year later I felt improved. I began to exercise regularly at the university, swimming mostly. I found myself looking at the other men dressing and some how found that it relieved my stress temporarily. I never let on to anyone that I was watching nor did I do anything to try to meet men. However it feed some fantasies into my mind that on one hand was unwanted but on the other hand relieved pain. I seemed to have an obsession on this activity for the next year. Also during this time I was commuting 50 miles working the night shift at a hospital lab. I was alone a lot. I would occasionally masturbate in the car. This was not an exhibitionist activity because I never wanted anyone to see me but another facet of the activity.
After graduation, we moved to another location away from the university and that stopped. But I continued to masturbate regularly I’m sure although I don’t remember that aspect of my life as well. Again no one knew my secret feelings but the inferiority and feeling of worthlessness continued. I tried many times to stop over these years but seemed to not be able to.
I entered medical school and the military and we moved to another state. It was a great start to a new experience. I seemed to go through periods where I was adjusted to the feelings. We made friends quickly in our new circumstances. Somehow I found the number to a same gender pornographic phone line. I don’t remember where. It required payment by a credit card to use and so I never talked with anyone on the line except for one time when it went through and I quickly hung up not knowing what to say – it was on a pay phone. But for some reason I called it over and over again compulsively for several months despite only the one time actually talking with anyone. When I tried to study at school my thought would often race about same gender sex and I would masturbate to relieve the stress.
During my second year I found a bookstore not far away that sold adult magazines. I would occasionally leave and go there. I never bought any magazines but would look at the covers and thumb through them. There were also adult videos to buy or rent and I would look at the covers. I did buy one once but mostly just looked at the covers in the store. This filled my mind again and just seemed to feed the problem.
During this time I would stop periodically. Although I did these things I remember my home life being very happy with my wife and the children. My son was born during this time period. It was as if I was leading 2 different lives. I shielded her from this desperately and could not think of hurting her. Embarrassment, pride, and fear that she would leave me kept me from getting the proper help I needed. I continued in a cycle of addiction and remorse. Strangely I held things together and these activities were just another part of my life.
During my third year of medical school I started my hospital clerkships. I would occasionally go to the restroom at one of the hospitals and would masturbate. I soon discovered that other people went there to for the same reason. At first, I would leave if I knew someone was there. But slowly I became enticed. Over the next 2 years I would have multiple encounters there with mutual masturbation, touching each other in the genital area, and eventual but only rarely oral sex. I never knew any of these people. I never saw nor talked with any of them outside of this setting. I never developed a relationship with anyone nor ever knew their names. It was purely for selfish gratification.
My home life continued to be wonderful. I struggled to be happy but knew I couldn’t be fully. I provided a happy home environment despite these terrible things I was doing. I remained active in the Church and never lost nor doubted my testimony.
I believed, by this time, that Heavenly Father couldn't possibly love me and despite church callings and activity I lost my ability to pray meaningfully.
When we moved to another state in 1991 I started residency. The stress in my life severely worsened. I found an adult video store close to the military base and would visit it frequently when I was able. It seemed to relieve the stress. I had many dark, remorseful, and hopeless feelings during those years. I was apart from my family so much and dealt with these problems alone on top of the stresses of medical residency. I was working often between 90 to 110 hours a week. I often felt I couldn't go on. Occasionally I would see a patient and tell myself I would resign afterwards. On one occasion I remember standing on the 9th floor of the hospital at 4:00 AM and looked out the window and saw my car in the parking lot. I thought of leaving and driving as far away as I could. Suicide or dieing in a motor vehicle accident was not far from my mind. It’s difficult to understand why these feelings didn’t stop me but it just kept me in the cycle. I was utterly powerless.
In the video store I could watch videos in booths for a short period of time. Mostly I masturbated and watched other do the same things. Through those years that was what occurred mostly. On a few occasions if I was there at night, a few people approached me to go to their car. We never spoke but would masturbate together and again on rare occasion had oral sex. Never did I have a relationship beyond that.
There was a rest room elsewhere I also found that similar activities occurred in as before. While there if a stranger came in and I could tell he was there for the same reason, we would masturbate together, touch each other, and again have oral sex. I was on a deep path of destruction but some how couldn’t quit for any length of time.
I finished my medical training and we moved to yet another state in 1996. I wanted to make a new start. I felt if I could just stop eventually I would make things right. The secrecy was eating at me but the carnality and curiosity kept me from doing the right things. There our family was greatly needed in the ward. We served diligently and seem to have a great impact in many lives.
While there I got involved again in pornography. During lunch hours and other times I would go to the video stores and spent hours watching gay pornography. Only rarely did I view magazines. It mostly consisted of watching videos there. I continued to have encounters as previously in the booths. There were a few other encounters as well on a dark deserted beach or at a park. Again, never did I know any of these people nor did I develop a relationship with any of them.
I tried to stop my deplorable actions by myself. I wanted desperately to be clean and to just have this taken from my life. I sensed that because of my profession and background people seemed to look up to me. How could I possibly let anyone see me for who I was? I kept telling myself that there was no hope for me anyway and that if I could some how get my family and my friends to the celestial kingdom without anyone knowing I would not have to hurt anyone. This is the lie that I continued to perpetuate but somehow believed. To survive I kept telling myself that tomorrow would be better and my feelings would change if I just held on.
I was one time questioned by military police concerning my behavior in a steam room. I tried to make contact with someone who reported me. It lead to nothing but it frightened me beyond belief. For days I couldn’t sleep or eat. I became quite despondent but continued to work and try to keep my life together. The pain of that incident gradually subsided and then I fell back into the same patterns. We were again reassigned and moved several months later. I was relieved to leave.
During business trips through the years I would seek pornography out and go the video theater and store. I also had same sex encounters during those times as well. I would also find bathhouses and gay bars. I frequented those as often as I could. On some conference weeks I would either be in meetings or at these places. On one occasion I remember barely eating anything during the week so my money could be spent on these activities without making my wife suspicious as to where the money was spent. I lost 8 pounds that week. I also rarely slept as I would be in these places through the night. The adrenaline and high that these activities gave me kept me going without food or sleep.
It was 1999 now and I continued to have problems with masturbation. I would go to the adult video store and fill my mind with pornography. There in the theater I had encounters with masturbation, mutual masturbation, and oral sex. I even had anal sex on a few occasions when the circumstances enabled this.
I then started on the internet. Even though there were filters in place I could still find enough pornography. This was yet another avenue and facet to my addiction. It was at this time that my wife found out that I was viewing pornography on the internet. I initially denied it but then told her everything I had been doing. I came forward and was disfellowshipped for 5 ½ years. I worked with a therapist with some success although I struggled tremendously. I began to understand I wasn’t alone and some of the things that drove me to the behaviors. I was able to control much of what previously had been uncontrollable. But it took a toll on my marriage. New feelings of inadequacy have been there and difficult to deal with through the years.
I didn’t have any encounters but masturbation gradually crept back into my life. I didn’t view pornography but I found a phone number to a gay phone line. I used to call it and talk to people on the line but did not meet up with anyone and struggled to keep clean. I didn’t feel I had yet mastered the coping skills.
I retired from the military and we moved back to the same state where I grew up. I kept clean although I masturbated very frequently. I again found the phone line and it became a compulsive habit
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Fear and Spirituality
"We have not been given the spirit of fear, but of faith". Why is it that fear is such a driving force in our lives--it is only in our minds. What do we really need to fear in this life? Fear is something that is in the core of all of us, it is part of the human experience, for overcoming fear is part of the test.
After meeting with a client yesterday, I was left reflecting on what the purpose of her extreme trauma. I thought, "I know there is a reason for this, I know there is a reason we all go through pain". At times it is very difficult to figure out what the purpose is and it can be even more difficult to gain insight into how the pain can actually help us.
My mind has been contemplating pain for some time now, well before this session with this client yesterday, but this session become a catalyst to my thought. It was reaffirmed to me, my understanding if what happened to us in the pre-mortal realms. One third of our brothers and sisters followed the adversaries plan of compulsion, but why? As I searched out the reasons for this, I found that many writers on the subject feel that pride was the reason. They didn't follow the plan because they felt there was a better way, and that all who followed Christ were wrong. I believe that it was far more complex than this, because I have found that at the root of pride, one can always find pain--and the core of pain is fear. Thus, these individuals who didn't follow Christ were scared to come down to Earth. They wanted the quick and painless way to salvation and exaltation--they wanted Satan's plan.
Through this line of thought, I also came to a greater understanding of the purpose of this life. When we chose to come to this life, we were told that it would be very difficult, painful and full of some of the most traumatic experiences imaginable--but it was the only way that we would understand as God understands--the only path to eternal insight is to understand and experience the depths of hell. Though we would feel these depths, we were also commanded to have joy in this life, and that is truly a test--to have joy, when can be difficult to find a reason for it.
In this life, we are living the mortal experience. We came to this Earth to obtain a tabernacle of clay, but why? So that we may feel fear and pain, but also to obtain the greatest level of joy and understanding. We had to come down and take on flesh because we would not know the depths of temptation and sin without our bodies. Our bodies drive us to sin, which we must resist--our spirits would not have had this experience without our body. We also needed to experience death and fear, more particularly, the fear of death. Our spirit bodies couldn't experience this depth of fear, because there was no death before this life. As with overcoming sin--which sin our bodies want--we need to learn to overcome fear to become more celestial.
So what is one of the purposes of this life? Gain understanding and have joy. We can live in Celestial realms right now. It is all about our perception--Earth can be hell or it can be eternal bliss--what do you choose?
After meeting with a client yesterday, I was left reflecting on what the purpose of her extreme trauma. I thought, "I know there is a reason for this, I know there is a reason we all go through pain". At times it is very difficult to figure out what the purpose is and it can be even more difficult to gain insight into how the pain can actually help us.
My mind has been contemplating pain for some time now, well before this session with this client yesterday, but this session become a catalyst to my thought. It was reaffirmed to me, my understanding if what happened to us in the pre-mortal realms. One third of our brothers and sisters followed the adversaries plan of compulsion, but why? As I searched out the reasons for this, I found that many writers on the subject feel that pride was the reason. They didn't follow the plan because they felt there was a better way, and that all who followed Christ were wrong. I believe that it was far more complex than this, because I have found that at the root of pride, one can always find pain--and the core of pain is fear. Thus, these individuals who didn't follow Christ were scared to come down to Earth. They wanted the quick and painless way to salvation and exaltation--they wanted Satan's plan.
Through this line of thought, I also came to a greater understanding of the purpose of this life. When we chose to come to this life, we were told that it would be very difficult, painful and full of some of the most traumatic experiences imaginable--but it was the only way that we would understand as God understands--the only path to eternal insight is to understand and experience the depths of hell. Though we would feel these depths, we were also commanded to have joy in this life, and that is truly a test--to have joy, when can be difficult to find a reason for it.
In this life, we are living the mortal experience. We came to this Earth to obtain a tabernacle of clay, but why? So that we may feel fear and pain, but also to obtain the greatest level of joy and understanding. We had to come down and take on flesh because we would not know the depths of temptation and sin without our bodies. Our bodies drive us to sin, which we must resist--our spirits would not have had this experience without our body. We also needed to experience death and fear, more particularly, the fear of death. Our spirit bodies couldn't experience this depth of fear, because there was no death before this life. As with overcoming sin--which sin our bodies want--we need to learn to overcome fear to become more celestial.
So what is one of the purposes of this life? Gain understanding and have joy. We can live in Celestial realms right now. It is all about our perception--Earth can be hell or it can be eternal bliss--what do you choose?
Friday, February 3, 2012
THREE LETTERS THAT LEAD TO PERSONAL PEACE
This insight into DBT was written by my client T.G.:
There are three letters that stand as initials to three words that can bring personal peace to those who struggle with managing their emotions, dealing with crisis and turmoil, unhealthy personal relationships and being able to live in the moment rather than the past or future. Those three letters are DBT. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy, an extension of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) that adds validation and dialectics and includes Zen/Buddhist practices such as meditation and mindfulness.
I began learning DBT skills through an online Yahoo group and quickly saw a difference in my ability to regulate my emotions. In November 2011, Jade started a DBT Skills Group led by AAIM Counseling intern, Danielle Schneider. Participating in this group has enhanced my comprehension and application of DBT skills and has given me the chance to help other people who struggle with similar issues.
HAVING A LIFE WORTH LIVING
One of the first steps in learning and applying DBT skills is to determine what changes we would need to see in our lives that would constitute a life worth living. For me, having a life worth living meant:
• Having more stable emotions, not so much up and down
• Not needing external validation
• Not caring if someone else "gets" my private experiences
• Not wondering what others think and not worrying if they have misinformation about me
• Taking the time to self sooth rather than doing useless or harmful behaviors or obsessing to pass the time
• Believing that my success is valid, not an accident.
• No longer thinking I am damaged for life or that I'm faking
• Believing that I am a good person.
I am not going to spend a lot of time giving you background on DBT. I think it would be much more interesting and valuable for you if I share my personal experience and how I’m doing with achieving a life worth living. However, here are some basics.
WHAT IS DBT
DBT was developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. in the late 1970s as she approached treating individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) using traditional CBT. However, that approach did not work because it disregarded some key features of people with BPD. You can read more about that here: http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm
It’s quite interesting to note that in June 2011, Dr. Linehan, revealed her own struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html?_r=2&emc=eta1,
The AAIM Counseling DBT Skills Group Pre-lesson One outlines the basic goals of DBT Skills Training with the overall objective being to learn and refine skills in changing behavioral, emotional and thinking patterns associated with problems in living, those causing misery and distress. Specifically, the behaviors DBT strives to decrease are:
1. Interpersonal chaos
2. Labile emotions, moods
3. Impulsiveness
4. Confusion about self, cognitive dysregulation
Behaviors DBT strives to increase are:
1. Interpersonal Effectiveness skills
2. Emotion regulation skills
3. Distress tolerance skills
4. Core Mindfulness skills
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
I can tell you that after six months of DBT (and only two months “live”) these goals have come to fruition and my life is worth living. Following is a list of 26 statements that highlight my DBT experience and resulting transformation:
1. I’ve learned that I am not the person I was always afraid I was.
2. I’ve learned that I’m not being abandoned.
3. I’ve learned that there are things I can do to calm my emotions and that emotional dysregulation does not have to be my norm.
4. I've learned that my feelings are usually not a good indicator of reality.
5. I’ve learned that I have value and worth.
6. I’ve started taking in the good.
7. I've noticed that sometimes I'm unwilling to give up the pain and to use my skills because I feel like I have to hold on to the pain until it's recognized.
8. I now see the woman that Jade and his associate, Mindy, said I am and I believe it.
9. I see that what I can give to others is valuable and important.
10. I have the experience that I'm okay and I am a person you would want in your life.
11. I know on a very deep level that I am loved.
12. I have been heard for the pain and hurt that was over looked when I was young. My feelings have been validated.
13. There is now peace for the tiny, insignificant, silently screaming little girl and adolescent inside of me.
14. I have reconciled the guilt and embarrassment for poor decisions resulting from childhood trauma.
15. I am no longer confused about what happened to me.
16. I know longer have shame and I have let go of self-blame.
17. My past no longer hurts or haunts me. I have dealt with it and it no longer has a hold on me.
18. I no longer look at boundaries personally. They are what they are.
19. I have emotional peace—most of the time.
20. I have healed what could be healed; I have mourned what could only be mourned and I have moved on.
21. I can safely express what I want even if I can't have it.
22. I continue to learn healthy boundaries and now I feel caring within them.
23. I know how to be myself and I no longer push others away.
24. I contribute and I am whole
25. I am loveable and deserve to have more than just the crumbs.
26. I can have real, reciprocal, healthy relationships with people that possess the qualities that I seek.
Marsha Linehan says, “The gap between knowledge and behavior determines the degree of victory.” There is hope. However, in order to see change, we must change our behavior and we need tools to accomplish that. You can start learning on your own at www.DBTSelfHelp.com and stay-tuned for the next AAIM Counseling DBT Skills Group starting : ________________.
References:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/dbtclass/
AAIM Counseling DBT Skills Group Pre-lesson One
David Burns, M.D., Adapted from “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy”
Skills Training Manual page 107
There are three letters that stand as initials to three words that can bring personal peace to those who struggle with managing their emotions, dealing with crisis and turmoil, unhealthy personal relationships and being able to live in the moment rather than the past or future. Those three letters are DBT. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy, an extension of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) that adds validation and dialectics and includes Zen/Buddhist practices such as meditation and mindfulness.
I began learning DBT skills through an online Yahoo group and quickly saw a difference in my ability to regulate my emotions. In November 2011, Jade started a DBT Skills Group led by AAIM Counseling intern, Danielle Schneider. Participating in this group has enhanced my comprehension and application of DBT skills and has given me the chance to help other people who struggle with similar issues.
HAVING A LIFE WORTH LIVING
One of the first steps in learning and applying DBT skills is to determine what changes we would need to see in our lives that would constitute a life worth living. For me, having a life worth living meant:
• Having more stable emotions, not so much up and down
• Not needing external validation
• Not caring if someone else "gets" my private experiences
• Not wondering what others think and not worrying if they have misinformation about me
• Taking the time to self sooth rather than doing useless or harmful behaviors or obsessing to pass the time
• Believing that my success is valid, not an accident.
• No longer thinking I am damaged for life or that I'm faking
• Believing that I am a good person.
I am not going to spend a lot of time giving you background on DBT. I think it would be much more interesting and valuable for you if I share my personal experience and how I’m doing with achieving a life worth living. However, here are some basics.
WHAT IS DBT
DBT was developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. in the late 1970s as she approached treating individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) using traditional CBT. However, that approach did not work because it disregarded some key features of people with BPD. You can read more about that here: http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm
It’s quite interesting to note that in June 2011, Dr. Linehan, revealed her own struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html?_r=2&emc=eta1,
The AAIM Counseling DBT Skills Group Pre-lesson One outlines the basic goals of DBT Skills Training with the overall objective being to learn and refine skills in changing behavioral, emotional and thinking patterns associated with problems in living, those causing misery and distress. Specifically, the behaviors DBT strives to decrease are:
1. Interpersonal chaos
2. Labile emotions, moods
3. Impulsiveness
4. Confusion about self, cognitive dysregulation
Behaviors DBT strives to increase are:
1. Interpersonal Effectiveness skills
2. Emotion regulation skills
3. Distress tolerance skills
4. Core Mindfulness skills
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
I can tell you that after six months of DBT (and only two months “live”) these goals have come to fruition and my life is worth living. Following is a list of 26 statements that highlight my DBT experience and resulting transformation:
1. I’ve learned that I am not the person I was always afraid I was.
2. I’ve learned that I’m not being abandoned.
3. I’ve learned that there are things I can do to calm my emotions and that emotional dysregulation does not have to be my norm.
4. I've learned that my feelings are usually not a good indicator of reality.
5. I’ve learned that I have value and worth.
6. I’ve started taking in the good.
7. I've noticed that sometimes I'm unwilling to give up the pain and to use my skills because I feel like I have to hold on to the pain until it's recognized.
8. I now see the woman that Jade and his associate, Mindy, said I am and I believe it.
9. I see that what I can give to others is valuable and important.
10. I have the experience that I'm okay and I am a person you would want in your life.
11. I know on a very deep level that I am loved.
12. I have been heard for the pain and hurt that was over looked when I was young. My feelings have been validated.
13. There is now peace for the tiny, insignificant, silently screaming little girl and adolescent inside of me.
14. I have reconciled the guilt and embarrassment for poor decisions resulting from childhood trauma.
15. I am no longer confused about what happened to me.
16. I know longer have shame and I have let go of self-blame.
17. My past no longer hurts or haunts me. I have dealt with it and it no longer has a hold on me.
18. I no longer look at boundaries personally. They are what they are.
19. I have emotional peace—most of the time.
20. I have healed what could be healed; I have mourned what could only be mourned and I have moved on.
21. I can safely express what I want even if I can't have it.
22. I continue to learn healthy boundaries and now I feel caring within them.
23. I know how to be myself and I no longer push others away.
24. I contribute and I am whole
25. I am loveable and deserve to have more than just the crumbs.
26. I can have real, reciprocal, healthy relationships with people that possess the qualities that I seek.
Marsha Linehan says, “The gap between knowledge and behavior determines the degree of victory.” There is hope. However, in order to see change, we must change our behavior and we need tools to accomplish that. You can start learning on your own at www.DBTSelfHelp.com and stay-tuned for the next AAIM Counseling DBT Skills Group starting : ________________.
References:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/dbtclass/
AAIM Counseling DBT Skills Group Pre-lesson One
David Burns, M.D., Adapted from “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy”
Skills Training Manual page 107
Friday, January 27, 2012
David Burn's List of Thinking Errors
The Ten Basic thinking errors
As conceived by Dr. David Burns
1. All or Nothing Thinking: Here, you look at things in black-and-white ways. Situations and people are perceived in absolute terms. Common phrases are, “I’m a total loser,” “Nothing is going right,” “All hope is lost,” “I’ll never get what I want.”
2. Overgeneralization: You view a single negative event as part of an ongoing pattern of defeat. You might say or think things like, “This (bad event) just proves how bad my life is.”
3. Mental Filter: When using this kind of distorted thinking, you dwell on the negative and ignore the positives. You may know that you have 20 good things happening, but the one defeat is all you focus on.
4. Discounting the Positive: You insist that your positive qualities or accomplishments don’t count. For instance, when someone pays you a compliment about your appearance and you downplay it or make excuses.
5. Jumping to Conclusions: You assume the worst, even if there is no evidence to support your assumption. There are two types of jumping to conclusions:
a. Mind-Reading: You believe people are reacting negatively to you.
b. Fortune-telling: You believe situations will end badly.
6. Magnification or Minimization: Magnification, or catastrophizing, happens when you blow things out of proportion. You might tell yourself things like, “This is the worst thing that could happen!” On the other hand, minimization happens when you minimize the importance of things. For example, “It was just an A on the test; someone else still did better than me.”
7. Emotional Reasoning: You believe your feelings are reality. For instance, “I feel like an idiot” so you tell yourself you really are one.
8. Should statements: These critical statements are used against ourselves and others to tell us we should, must, ought-to and have-to do certain things.
9. Labeling: You label yourself or others with an unflattering name out of anger or frustration. We label ourselves or others “jerks,” “losers,” “idiots,” and so forth.
10. Blame: Here you blame yourself for something that wasn’t entirely your fault, or you blame others and overlook your contribution to the problem
As conceived by Dr. David Burns
1. All or Nothing Thinking: Here, you look at things in black-and-white ways. Situations and people are perceived in absolute terms. Common phrases are, “I’m a total loser,” “Nothing is going right,” “All hope is lost,” “I’ll never get what I want.”
2. Overgeneralization: You view a single negative event as part of an ongoing pattern of defeat. You might say or think things like, “This (bad event) just proves how bad my life is.”
3. Mental Filter: When using this kind of distorted thinking, you dwell on the negative and ignore the positives. You may know that you have 20 good things happening, but the one defeat is all you focus on.
4. Discounting the Positive: You insist that your positive qualities or accomplishments don’t count. For instance, when someone pays you a compliment about your appearance and you downplay it or make excuses.
5. Jumping to Conclusions: You assume the worst, even if there is no evidence to support your assumption. There are two types of jumping to conclusions:
a. Mind-Reading: You believe people are reacting negatively to you.
b. Fortune-telling: You believe situations will end badly.
6. Magnification or Minimization: Magnification, or catastrophizing, happens when you blow things out of proportion. You might tell yourself things like, “This is the worst thing that could happen!” On the other hand, minimization happens when you minimize the importance of things. For example, “It was just an A on the test; someone else still did better than me.”
7. Emotional Reasoning: You believe your feelings are reality. For instance, “I feel like an idiot” so you tell yourself you really are one.
8. Should statements: These critical statements are used against ourselves and others to tell us we should, must, ought-to and have-to do certain things.
9. Labeling: You label yourself or others with an unflattering name out of anger or frustration. We label ourselves or others “jerks,” “losers,” “idiots,” and so forth.
10. Blame: Here you blame yourself for something that wasn’t entirely your fault, or you blame others and overlook your contribution to the problem
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Love and Forgiveness
Excerpt from my book "Healing Secrets":
The first step in truly loving yourself is to become familiar with positive affirmations. There is power in intently looking into your eyes in a mirror and saying “I love you… You mean a lot to me… etc.” So often, we do just the opposite. If a person attempts to give himself positive affirmations continuously for two weeks, that person will notice a drastic change in the way he perceives himself and his environment.
When a lawyer asked Jesus, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” he answered, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Matt. 22:36–39.) Notice that Jesus said you are to love your neighbor as yourself. God wants you to love yourself just as much as he wants you to love others. Dr. Clark Swain stated, “If you truly love yourself, you will remember that you are a physical, mental, and spiritual being. Loving yourself as God wants you to means that you use wisdom in protecting your life and conserving your health.”
Loving yourself also means to be grateful for yourself and your abilities, and to be grateful to God. It has been shown in research that attitude of gratitude can significantly increase a lasting sense of well-being. In an experimental comparison, those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who recorded hassles or neutral life events (Emmons & McCullough, 2003). Also, it has been shown that a related benefit of the attitude of gratitude was observed in the realm of personal goal attainment: Participants who kept gratitude lists were more likely to have made progress toward important personal goals (academic, interpersonal and health-based) over a two-month period compared to subjects in the other experimental conditions. Moreover, daily gratitude interventions (self-guided exercises) with young adults resulted in higher reported levels of the positive states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy compared to a focus on hassles or a downward social comparison (ways in which participants thought they were better off than others). There was no difference in levels of unpleasant emotions reported in the three groups. It was also found by Drs. Robert A. Emmons and Michael E. McCullough that in a sample of adults with neuromuscular disease, a 21-day gratitude intervention resulted in greater amounts of high-energy positive moods, a greater sense of feeling connected to others, more optimistic ratings of one’s life, and better sleep duration and sleep quality, relative to a control group.
Forgiveness of self and others
This section is a little longer than the former, because this concept is essential to healing. There are two principles all people need to learn to overcome the shadow identity. These are repenting and forgiving. Repenting is essential, because this action leads to an understanding that we make mistakes, we are not perfect, and that we are “okay.” When we do something wrong, say sorry and make restitution. Asking God for forgiveness is liberating and evokes healthy shame and guilt, which as John Bradshaw states “safeguards the soul” because we will conceptualize that we have limits and boundaries, and truly we are good people who perform badly at times. Again, it is “okay,” we must not be so hard on ourselves. The danger of the shadow identity is that an individual can become dichotomous in thought, action and belief. On one extreme a person may need to be “perfect,” achieving extremely in everything. They also are compelled to show little-to-no emotions, because this is weakness. These people “have to” and “have no choice” in their need to achieve. On the other side of the spectrum of the shadow identity, an individual sees himself as a “no-good sinner” not worthy of “redemption.” Both sides of the spectrum are toxic and can lead to personal destruction.
The Greek word for which the English term “repentance” was derived denotes a change of mind, or in effect, a fresh view about God (Bible Dictionary, p. 760). This idea is truly at odds with the notions of punishment and pain, with which many people associate the term of repentance.
Forgiveness of ourselves is important and forgiveness of others is essential for our healing. Anyone who has ever been victimized—and that includes survivors of crime, accidents, childhood abuse, political imprisonment, warfare, and so on—must decide whether or not to forgive those who made the violation, even if that person is not repentant. There can be no way around this choice: either you decide to forgive the person who hurt you, or you hold on to bitterness and anger until it consumes you. Holding on to bitterness and anger can perpetuate further bitterness and anger. One example I witnessed was an individual who had been molested by a grandfather, who had passed away without ever acknowledging his wrongdoing. The survivor’s anger and desire for revenge became an obsession. She so focused on the crime that she completely missed the opportunity she had been given to learn about real love, forgiveness and letting go. In its place, she seemed to believe that hatred would satisfy her thirst for vengeance and would somehow bring healing. As a result, this individual repeated over and over, “I’ll never forgive.” One of my favorite examples to use with children and adults of a character who didn’t forgive was that of Darth Vader. He was so preoccupied with those who trespassed against him that his hatred and revenge turned him literally into a machine. What a powerful archetype Darth Vader is of vengeance.
To forgive can be a problem for some to conceptualize because it can be a concept that is obscure, especially to our Western perspective, simply because we have been bombarded by the ideas of “getting even” and “mercy is for the weak.” And many times, the concept of forgiveness gets confused with the concept of reconciliation, which is related to forgiveness. Tangentially, reconciliation and restitution are even more closely related than forgiveness and reconciliation, although all three terms are orbital. Restitution “denotes a return of something once present, but has been taken away or lost.” (Bible Dictionary. P. 761) Reconciliation comes from the Latin words re-, meaning “again,” and conciliare, which means “to bring together.”
Again, the difficulty surrounding forgiveness is an understanding of the difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. And in many instances persons who have wronged another do not “own up” to their mistakes, especially when pride is involved, thus restitution does not happen and reconciliation doesn’t take place. And when reconciliation is not present, then what is the victim to do? Most victims don’t realize that forgiveness is a choice on their part, no matter what the victimizer does, or does not, do. Furthermore, if the victimizer seeks reconciliation, that action and healing can only occur if the victim is willing and able to forgive. Forgiveness is always the victim’s, or the survivor’s, decision. Again and in addition, reconciliation is impossible except the victim/survivor is willing and able to forgive and the victimizer apologizes or restores that which has been taken or was lost. Now I have been using the verbs “willing and able” because there is something problematic concerning forgiveness—you can’t fully forgive until you can allow yourself to feel the pain you were caused. And in our Western society, it seems that everyone attempts to avoid pain, or any other emotion for that matter. This is why forgiveness can be tricky. And if we don’t feel that pain, something much more toxic will take its place—anger and revenge! This occurs because a person who does not allow the expression of pain unconsciously builds resentment. This resentment, as it builds, needs to find an outlet. This outlet may be a physical one, such as hypertension or headaches, but usually the outlet is a more psychological one, such as depression or anger (turned outward or inward towards one’s self).
I once worked with a gentleman who, after twenty years of work, was fired because of office politics. He came in to see me because of an addiction to pain pills. He was a very sophisticated individual and saw himself as an enlightened and intellectual individual. In groups, this man would make many wonderful insights into other group members. He revealed one day that he felt he was addicted to anger. Anger began to fill the void that drugs had occupied. He began to say in group, “Those bastards who took away my job… I did nothing wrong, they were intimidated by me and because of their power issues they fired me.” Of course, his former employer made no restitution, so therefore he could “never forgive them,” although at the time of his firing he had said to his wife, “Oh well, it’s not that big of a deal, I’m just going to forget about it.” He had prematurely forgiven his employer, which leads to resentment, which led him to become addicted to pain pills. Psychologically, the concept of “forget” is called “repressed.” And when something is repressed, it hangs around, under the surface, needing expression somehow, physically or emotionally. When pain is repressed, it drags down all the emotions associated with that pain, thus making forgiveness impossible, because on some level you are just “keeping score.” Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting. To forgive is simply to stop wishing for revenge or to stop wanting to see the other person suffer in some way. But forgiveness is not blind. Because trust has been violated you cannot just forget what happened or else the same thing might happen again.
The first step in truly loving yourself is to become familiar with positive affirmations. There is power in intently looking into your eyes in a mirror and saying “I love you… You mean a lot to me… etc.” So often, we do just the opposite. If a person attempts to give himself positive affirmations continuously for two weeks, that person will notice a drastic change in the way he perceives himself and his environment.
When a lawyer asked Jesus, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” he answered, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Matt. 22:36–39.) Notice that Jesus said you are to love your neighbor as yourself. God wants you to love yourself just as much as he wants you to love others. Dr. Clark Swain stated, “If you truly love yourself, you will remember that you are a physical, mental, and spiritual being. Loving yourself as God wants you to means that you use wisdom in protecting your life and conserving your health.”
Loving yourself also means to be grateful for yourself and your abilities, and to be grateful to God. It has been shown in research that attitude of gratitude can significantly increase a lasting sense of well-being. In an experimental comparison, those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who recorded hassles or neutral life events (Emmons & McCullough, 2003). Also, it has been shown that a related benefit of the attitude of gratitude was observed in the realm of personal goal attainment: Participants who kept gratitude lists were more likely to have made progress toward important personal goals (academic, interpersonal and health-based) over a two-month period compared to subjects in the other experimental conditions. Moreover, daily gratitude interventions (self-guided exercises) with young adults resulted in higher reported levels of the positive states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy compared to a focus on hassles or a downward social comparison (ways in which participants thought they were better off than others). There was no difference in levels of unpleasant emotions reported in the three groups. It was also found by Drs. Robert A. Emmons and Michael E. McCullough that in a sample of adults with neuromuscular disease, a 21-day gratitude intervention resulted in greater amounts of high-energy positive moods, a greater sense of feeling connected to others, more optimistic ratings of one’s life, and better sleep duration and sleep quality, relative to a control group.
Forgiveness of self and others
This section is a little longer than the former, because this concept is essential to healing. There are two principles all people need to learn to overcome the shadow identity. These are repenting and forgiving. Repenting is essential, because this action leads to an understanding that we make mistakes, we are not perfect, and that we are “okay.” When we do something wrong, say sorry and make restitution. Asking God for forgiveness is liberating and evokes healthy shame and guilt, which as John Bradshaw states “safeguards the soul” because we will conceptualize that we have limits and boundaries, and truly we are good people who perform badly at times. Again, it is “okay,” we must not be so hard on ourselves. The danger of the shadow identity is that an individual can become dichotomous in thought, action and belief. On one extreme a person may need to be “perfect,” achieving extremely in everything. They also are compelled to show little-to-no emotions, because this is weakness. These people “have to” and “have no choice” in their need to achieve. On the other side of the spectrum of the shadow identity, an individual sees himself as a “no-good sinner” not worthy of “redemption.” Both sides of the spectrum are toxic and can lead to personal destruction.
The Greek word for which the English term “repentance” was derived denotes a change of mind, or in effect, a fresh view about God (Bible Dictionary, p. 760). This idea is truly at odds with the notions of punishment and pain, with which many people associate the term of repentance.
Forgiveness of ourselves is important and forgiveness of others is essential for our healing. Anyone who has ever been victimized—and that includes survivors of crime, accidents, childhood abuse, political imprisonment, warfare, and so on—must decide whether or not to forgive those who made the violation, even if that person is not repentant. There can be no way around this choice: either you decide to forgive the person who hurt you, or you hold on to bitterness and anger until it consumes you. Holding on to bitterness and anger can perpetuate further bitterness and anger. One example I witnessed was an individual who had been molested by a grandfather, who had passed away without ever acknowledging his wrongdoing. The survivor’s anger and desire for revenge became an obsession. She so focused on the crime that she completely missed the opportunity she had been given to learn about real love, forgiveness and letting go. In its place, she seemed to believe that hatred would satisfy her thirst for vengeance and would somehow bring healing. As a result, this individual repeated over and over, “I’ll never forgive.” One of my favorite examples to use with children and adults of a character who didn’t forgive was that of Darth Vader. He was so preoccupied with those who trespassed against him that his hatred and revenge turned him literally into a machine. What a powerful archetype Darth Vader is of vengeance.
To forgive can be a problem for some to conceptualize because it can be a concept that is obscure, especially to our Western perspective, simply because we have been bombarded by the ideas of “getting even” and “mercy is for the weak.” And many times, the concept of forgiveness gets confused with the concept of reconciliation, which is related to forgiveness. Tangentially, reconciliation and restitution are even more closely related than forgiveness and reconciliation, although all three terms are orbital. Restitution “denotes a return of something once present, but has been taken away or lost.” (Bible Dictionary. P. 761) Reconciliation comes from the Latin words re-, meaning “again,” and conciliare, which means “to bring together.”
Again, the difficulty surrounding forgiveness is an understanding of the difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. And in many instances persons who have wronged another do not “own up” to their mistakes, especially when pride is involved, thus restitution does not happen and reconciliation doesn’t take place. And when reconciliation is not present, then what is the victim to do? Most victims don’t realize that forgiveness is a choice on their part, no matter what the victimizer does, or does not, do. Furthermore, if the victimizer seeks reconciliation, that action and healing can only occur if the victim is willing and able to forgive. Forgiveness is always the victim’s, or the survivor’s, decision. Again and in addition, reconciliation is impossible except the victim/survivor is willing and able to forgive and the victimizer apologizes or restores that which has been taken or was lost. Now I have been using the verbs “willing and able” because there is something problematic concerning forgiveness—you can’t fully forgive until you can allow yourself to feel the pain you were caused. And in our Western society, it seems that everyone attempts to avoid pain, or any other emotion for that matter. This is why forgiveness can be tricky. And if we don’t feel that pain, something much more toxic will take its place—anger and revenge! This occurs because a person who does not allow the expression of pain unconsciously builds resentment. This resentment, as it builds, needs to find an outlet. This outlet may be a physical one, such as hypertension or headaches, but usually the outlet is a more psychological one, such as depression or anger (turned outward or inward towards one’s self).
I once worked with a gentleman who, after twenty years of work, was fired because of office politics. He came in to see me because of an addiction to pain pills. He was a very sophisticated individual and saw himself as an enlightened and intellectual individual. In groups, this man would make many wonderful insights into other group members. He revealed one day that he felt he was addicted to anger. Anger began to fill the void that drugs had occupied. He began to say in group, “Those bastards who took away my job… I did nothing wrong, they were intimidated by me and because of their power issues they fired me.” Of course, his former employer made no restitution, so therefore he could “never forgive them,” although at the time of his firing he had said to his wife, “Oh well, it’s not that big of a deal, I’m just going to forget about it.” He had prematurely forgiven his employer, which leads to resentment, which led him to become addicted to pain pills. Psychologically, the concept of “forget” is called “repressed.” And when something is repressed, it hangs around, under the surface, needing expression somehow, physically or emotionally. When pain is repressed, it drags down all the emotions associated with that pain, thus making forgiveness impossible, because on some level you are just “keeping score.” Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting. To forgive is simply to stop wishing for revenge or to stop wanting to see the other person suffer in some way. But forgiveness is not blind. Because trust has been violated you cannot just forget what happened or else the same thing might happen again.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Adults Abused as Children
The outcomes of early sexual abuse last well into adulthood, affecting relationships, work, family, and life in general. Individual symptomatology tends to fall into four areas:
1. "Damaged goods": Low self-esteem, depression, self-destructiveness (suicide and self-mutilation), guilt, shame, self-blame, constant search for approval and nurturance.
2. Betrayal: Impaired ability to trust, blurred boundaries and role confusion, rage and grief, difficulty forming relationships.
3. Helplessness: Anxiety, fear, tendency towards re-victimization, panic attacks.
4. Isolation: Sense of being different, stigmatized, lack of supports, poor peer relations.
Adult incest survivors may demonstrate some of the following symptoms:
Fear of the dark, fear of sleeping alone, nightmares, night terrors
Difficulty with swallowing, gagging
Poor body image, poor self-image in general
Wearing excessive clothing
Addictions, compulsive behaviors, obsessions
Self-abuse, skin-carving (also addictive),
Suicidality
Phobias, panic attacks, anxiety disorders, startle response
Difficulties with anger/rage
Splitting/ de-personalization, shutdown under stress
Issues with trust, intimacy, relationships
Issues with boundaries, control, abandonment
Pattern of re-victimization, not able to say "no"
Blocking of memories, especially between age one and 12
Feeling crazy, different, marked
Denial, flashbacks
Sexual issues and extremes
Multiple personalities
Signs of posttraumatic stress disorder
Certain issues appear repeatedly. For example, victims typically blame themselves for the abuse, even if they were two or three years old at the time of the event. Guilt and shame are expressed, along with intense feelings of rage
If the rape or molestation was committed by an individual of the same sex (i.e., a man abusing a boy), questions regarding sexual orientation tend to arise in the patient ("I must be gay; after all, a man raped me!"). Female victims will frequently develop sexually promiscuous lifestyles in an effort to "conquer" the situation and bring it under their control. In other instances individuals will largely withdraw from any social or sexual interactions in order to avoid the feared stimuli, and turn toward extremely isolated lives.
The connection that is made for victims between sex and pain (love and humiliation, closeness and betrayal) is a particularly disastrous one. Frequently cleints will express and/or demonstrate the belief that the only way to be loved or cared for is if they are also being abused ("I knew if I didn't let him keep beating me, I'd always be alone"). Often, in the extreme, physical and sexual abuse are even viewed as a normal part of everyday life. Healthy boundaries do not exist for these individuals, and therefore, healthy relationships are impossible. Victims will actually respond to feelings of loneliness or sadness by abusing themselves (e.g., self-mutilation) if the "significant other" is not available to do so.
One of the more difficult issues that arise is the recollection, by some individuals, of experiencing a certain amount of physical pleasure during a molestation or incest. This adds enormously to the sense of being at fault and "dirty." Thus, one of the aims of treatment is to educate survivors as to normal physiological responsiveness. The realization that their feelings are/were normal helps tremendously toward alleviating the sense of shame.
Even when individuals have spoken of their abuse prior to group treatment, any pleasurable aspects have typically been denied. The opportunity to relate to others who have shared these feelings, as well as the experience, is part of the healing power of this form of therapy. The sense of isolation, of being "different from the whole world," quickly begins to subside. It is only in revealing the secrets and dealing with the pain that survivors of sexual abuse can and do go on with their lives.
References
1. Incest Survivors' Resource Network, International. (1990). Manual. N.Y. Yearly Meeting, Hicksville, NY.
2. Calam, R.M., (1989) Sexual experience and eating problems in female undergraduates. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 8, 391-399.
3. Blume, E. Sue, (1989). Secret Survivors: Uncovering incest and its aftereffects. John Wiley & Sons, NJ.
4. Koopmans, M., (1990). Yeshiva University/Einstein College. Personal Communication.
5. Op. Cit., Incest Survivors Resource Network.
6. Heiman, M., (1988). Untangling incestuous bonds: The treatment of sibling incest. In M. Kahn & K. Lewis (Eds.), Siblings in Therapy, Norton & Co., N.Y.
7. Ibid.
8. Hartman, M., Finn, S.E., & Leon, G.R., (1987). Sexual abuse experiences in a clinical population: Comparisons of familial and non-familial abuse. Psychotherapy, 24, 154-159.
1. "Damaged goods": Low self-esteem, depression, self-destructiveness (suicide and self-mutilation), guilt, shame, self-blame, constant search for approval and nurturance.
2. Betrayal: Impaired ability to trust, blurred boundaries and role confusion, rage and grief, difficulty forming relationships.
3. Helplessness: Anxiety, fear, tendency towards re-victimization, panic attacks.
4. Isolation: Sense of being different, stigmatized, lack of supports, poor peer relations.
Adult incest survivors may demonstrate some of the following symptoms:
Fear of the dark, fear of sleeping alone, nightmares, night terrors
Difficulty with swallowing, gagging
Poor body image, poor self-image in general
Wearing excessive clothing
Addictions, compulsive behaviors, obsessions
Self-abuse, skin-carving (also addictive),
Suicidality
Phobias, panic attacks, anxiety disorders, startle response
Difficulties with anger/rage
Splitting/ de-personalization, shutdown under stress
Issues with trust, intimacy, relationships
Issues with boundaries, control, abandonment
Pattern of re-victimization, not able to say "no"
Blocking of memories, especially between age one and 12
Feeling crazy, different, marked
Denial, flashbacks
Sexual issues and extremes
Multiple personalities
Signs of posttraumatic stress disorder
Certain issues appear repeatedly. For example, victims typically blame themselves for the abuse, even if they were two or three years old at the time of the event. Guilt and shame are expressed, along with intense feelings of rage
If the rape or molestation was committed by an individual of the same sex (i.e., a man abusing a boy), questions regarding sexual orientation tend to arise in the patient ("I must be gay; after all, a man raped me!"). Female victims will frequently develop sexually promiscuous lifestyles in an effort to "conquer" the situation and bring it under their control. In other instances individuals will largely withdraw from any social or sexual interactions in order to avoid the feared stimuli, and turn toward extremely isolated lives.
The connection that is made for victims between sex and pain (love and humiliation, closeness and betrayal) is a particularly disastrous one. Frequently cleints will express and/or demonstrate the belief that the only way to be loved or cared for is if they are also being abused ("I knew if I didn't let him keep beating me, I'd always be alone"). Often, in the extreme, physical and sexual abuse are even viewed as a normal part of everyday life. Healthy boundaries do not exist for these individuals, and therefore, healthy relationships are impossible. Victims will actually respond to feelings of loneliness or sadness by abusing themselves (e.g., self-mutilation) if the "significant other" is not available to do so.
One of the more difficult issues that arise is the recollection, by some individuals, of experiencing a certain amount of physical pleasure during a molestation or incest. This adds enormously to the sense of being at fault and "dirty." Thus, one of the aims of treatment is to educate survivors as to normal physiological responsiveness. The realization that their feelings are/were normal helps tremendously toward alleviating the sense of shame.
Even when individuals have spoken of their abuse prior to group treatment, any pleasurable aspects have typically been denied. The opportunity to relate to others who have shared these feelings, as well as the experience, is part of the healing power of this form of therapy. The sense of isolation, of being "different from the whole world," quickly begins to subside. It is only in revealing the secrets and dealing with the pain that survivors of sexual abuse can and do go on with their lives.
References
1. Incest Survivors' Resource Network, International. (1990). Manual. N.Y. Yearly Meeting, Hicksville, NY.
2. Calam, R.M., (1989) Sexual experience and eating problems in female undergraduates. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 8, 391-399.
3. Blume, E. Sue, (1989). Secret Survivors: Uncovering incest and its aftereffects. John Wiley & Sons, NJ.
4. Koopmans, M., (1990). Yeshiva University/Einstein College. Personal Communication.
5. Op. Cit., Incest Survivors Resource Network.
6. Heiman, M., (1988). Untangling incestuous bonds: The treatment of sibling incest. In M. Kahn & K. Lewis (Eds.), Siblings in Therapy, Norton & Co., N.Y.
7. Ibid.
8. Hartman, M., Finn, S.E., & Leon, G.R., (1987). Sexual abuse experiences in a clinical population: Comparisons of familial and non-familial abuse. Psychotherapy, 24, 154-159.
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