Uses of Adversity

Do you ever think that there is no end to the problems you face? Do you feel that with each step forward, adverse circumstances pull you two steps back? If so, then welcome to the majority. Most people feel the same way.A wise person rightly said that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. You have to decide how much suffering your pain is going to inflict upon yourself and those around you.Here are a few ways of thinking that will help you turn adversity into a positive experience.

Adversity is a Symptom, Not a Cause

Frequently adversity is a symptom of some other, deeper problem. You just lost your job, and you may think this is a devastating turn of events. But do you try to figure out why you lost a job? What made you so dispensable? Was it the right career for you?Similarly, if you are sick or your loved one is sick, try to figure out why the sickness has happened. Is it your lifestyle? Is it the environment around you? Is it simply your attitude?As physical pain is a symptom of some malady, your adversity is a symptom of another problem. Although your first priority is to handle the current situation, you should make a mental note of the source of the problem. Unless you solve it, you’ll keep getting into similar situations.

Adversity is a Lesson

The busyness of our lives doesn’t allow us time to pause and appreciate the people we have around us. Adversity often awakens us to the treasures that are far more important than money and material possession: our health, our family and our friends.Sudden financial losses teach us that we shouldn’t base our happiness on money. An illness teaches us to be humble and lead a healthy life. A sudden loss in the family makes us appreciate the cycle of birth, life and death. Such things may seem superficial, but you should learn from adversities if you don’t want them to control your life.

Adversity is Guidance

Sometimes adversity comes to your life to suggest that it’s time to change course. For example, when someone leaves you there is no use sulking and blaming yourself (and even the other person, frankly). Instead you should take it as a sign that a newer and more enlightened relationship should be sought that is more meaningful or constructive. Or maybe you should invest your time in other pursuits for the time being.”I was complaining that I had no shoes till I met a man who had no feet,” Confucius said, and this is so true. Rather than getting bogged down with our own problems we should pay attention to people who happily survive, and even prosper, despite all odds. When you open your eyes and have a look at the larger world, you’ll be happy to know how well life has treated you


Reference: Amrit Hallan (2007) pickthebrain.com

The Power of Gratitude

Can gratitude improve the way we feel? Here’s an experiment you can try. Take a moment right now to be grateful for what you have. Think of everything you have or think of something specific such as your family, your house, enough food for today, or simply being alive.

After taking this moment, how do you feel? If you’re like most people, you’re feeling a little more peaceful.

The dictionary defines gratitude as a feeling of thankfulness and appreciation. We’re grateful when we’re conscious of a benefit received. It implies a sense of wonder and appreciation for the world around us, and is usually directed to someone or something else.

Gratitude is the focus of our Thanksgiving holiday. It also plays a strong role during the Christmas season if we can stop the hustle and bustle long enough to be thankful for each gift we have received.

In addition, we often express gratitude simply by being courteous. From an early age, most of us are taught to say, “thank you” whenever someone does something nice for us.

Research on Gratitude

Recent psychological research shows that gratitude plays an important role in our happiness, our healthy adjustment to life, and even in our physical well-being. Dr. Robert Emmons and Dr. Michael McCollough describe some of these studies in their recently published book, The Psychology of Gratitude.

First the authors note the difficulty in actually defining gratitude. It can be an emotion, an attitude, a moral value, a habit, a personality trait, or a coping response. Their research focused on gratitude as an emotion.

Curiously enough however, Emmons and McCollough note that, before we can feel gratitude as an emotion, we have to be able to think about it. They identified three main components that we think about when we feel gratitude: 1) recognition that we have obtained a positive benefit, 2) that the benefit has come from an outside source (usually another person), and 3) the benefit was not necessarily earned or deserved.

In scientific experiments, individuals were asked to keep track of their experiences of gratitude. While participating in these experiments, the individuals noticed some positive changes. They reported more optimism, fewer physical symptoms, better sleep, more progress on their own personal goals, higher levels of positive states such as alertness, enthusiasm, and determination, fewer negative states (such as bitterness, sadness, and fear), and were more likely to report having helped someone else.

Perhaps more interesting, Emmons and McCollough found that this experiment actually boosted gratitude in those who participated. In other words, when individuals are asked to keep track of their experiences of gratitude, they actually experience more gratitude as well as the positive changes associated with it.

These researchers also studied people who were considered to have a grateful disposition and found that they were more positive, were more empathic of others, tended to be more spiritual, were more likely to attend religious services, and were less focused on material possessions.

Counting Your Blessings

So what does this mean? It means that there is some truth to the old adage about counting one's blessings. People who count their blessings are happier and healthier. By spending more time being grateful, we become a better friend and better community member. We also become more appreciated by our friends. By increasing our gratefulness toward others, we can help to strengthen our families and communities.

What is equally powerful, Emmons and McCollough showed, is that gratitude can be taught and learned, practiced and applied. Gratitude implies that we recognize the help we get from others. No matter how much we do for ourselves, we can remain aware and acknowledge whenever someone else has helped us.

One way to improve our sense of gratitude is to simply be aware of it. We can use this approach to teach our children about gratitude as well. Children will learn when parents pay attention to situations in which they have benefited from the help of others. It’s pretty simple. When parents model gratitude, children learn.

Dr. Emmons emphasizes that gratitude is a choice that we make. How readily we express gratitude is based on our personal habits and our attitude toward life. By being more attentive to opportunities to express gratitude we increase the opportunity to feel it, and obtain the benefits of that experience.

Saying "thank you" not only improves the day for the person you thank, it improves your day too. Thank you for allowing me to share this column with you.

Reference:

Bayer, Rich(2009) Upper Bay Counseling & Support Services, Inc.

Emmons, R.A., & McCullough, M.E. (Eds.). (2004). The psychology of gratitude. New York: Oxford University Press.

Setting Boundaries (cont.)

For some people, the problem is not so much about creating new relationships, but rather about making the ones they currently have work better. People are not always happy in existing relationships. Relationships are fragile living things that change over time. Though they may start out well, they may not end up that way over time. They do not always turn out to be as equitable as people hope they will be when they enter them. When partner's beliefs and values get out of sync, and are no longer well matched, one or more participants usually ends up unhappy.

At issue in such relationships are the ways that people learn to manage the boundaries that define their relationships. In the physical world, boundaries are things that separate one thing from another, like walls that separate the outside of a house from the inside. Though they have no physical substance, psychological boundaries act very much like walls, by separating the private parts of people or relationships separate from the public parts. When an intimate relationship of any sort is occurring there is, in a manner of speaking, a psychological boundary around that relationship. The boundary is not there in any physical sense, of course, but nevertheless, secrets stay within the relationship as though there is a real wall holding them in place. It is trust that holds shared secrets in place and which creates the relationship boundary. If trust is betrayed, the boundary fails, and strangers get to learn the private details of the relationship.

There are also psychological boundaries around each individual in a relationship. These individual boundaries have to do with self-determination and self-respect. They define each partner's right to keep some part of themselves separate from the relationship (to not let it define them utterly), and also to expect that their partner will treat them with respect. When these individual boundaries are intact and in place, the partners feel respected and cared for and not taken for granted. When they are broken by disrespectful actions (such as when one partner abuses the other, or makes unilateral decisions) they end up feeling abused.

Boundary violations of any sort tend to cause relationship problems. When one partner's actions cause another to feel belittled, unimportant or abused, then that other partner is faced with the task of learning how to defend themselves.

Learning how to effectively defend yourself against unwanted intrusions is not as simple as it might first seem. It is, of course, necessary that you learn new ways of interacting with intrusive or abusive people which will cause them to back off and leave you alone. Less obviously, however, you also have to learn how to recognize and become aware that you are being intruded upon in the first place, and you must also decide that you are a worthy person who does not deserve to be invaded or treated badly. Until you master the latter two tasks, knowledge of the former will not do you much good. With this insight in mind, we next discuss Assertiveness Training, a means of psychological self defense that helps people to understand when they are being taken advantage of and what they can do about it.

Reference:
Mark Dombeck, Ph.D. and Jolyn Wells-Moran, Ph.D. Mental Health.net, July, 2009

Assuming Yourself Into Stress

There have been many clients with whom I have worked with lately who have been struggling with work place stress. Much of this stress has stemmed from their interactions with their employers. The following post has ideas which I found off of a therapy blog addressing one of the many ways to reduce this type of workplace stress:

“When workload increases, it is natural to experience stress. Often what creates that stress is when assumptions (also called "faulty cognitions") trigger painful emotional reactions. Take the following scenario:

Mike looks at the report that he has been asked to do with dread. A few months ago this task would have been outside of his job description, but he's been required to take on more as the company has reduced staffing. He feels insecure in his ability to do the task correctly. As he stares at the unfinished work, he thinks, "I've got to complete this report perfectly or I'm going to end up with a pink slip on my desk." His second thought is, "My boss is doing this to me and it's not fair." Often, the third thought (either consciously or subconsciously) is, "I'm trapped here!"

The first thought Mike has creates anxiety, his second thought makes him angry and his third triggers depression. Much of Mike's stress is caused not by the task itself, but on the assumptions about the task. He has made two critical faulty cognitions:

1) His first assumption (faulty cognition) is that the report must be perfect. The trouble with "perfect" is that it is very hard to quantify. Whether the goal of "perfect" was self-imposed or demanded by the boss, it is necessary to define what "perfect" looks like. If it means that budgeting figures in the report must be accurate, that is a more manageable goal than "perfect" because it is targeted and verifiable. It is just like a child afraid of a dark closet. The fear of the unknown is more frightening than the known. Define the goal of the task specifically.

2) His second faulty cognition is that the boss will fire him if the report isn't perfect. Is this a realistic assessment of what might happen for Mike's situation? Perhaps...but perhaps not. Being realistic also means being specific. Being specific reduces the vague sense of doom. If Mike can slow his thinking down, he might begin to assess his situation more accurately: "If I don't get those figures right the first time around, I'm going to have to stay late tonight. I had hoped to get out on time to meet friends for dinner. I'll be disappointed if I can't, but I can manage that."

Any time you begin to have vague, catastrophic fears about consequences of missing your mark at work, remind yourself of what you know is a realistic consequence. If you don't know...FIND OUT! Ask your boss or team leader what would happen if you failed to meet a deadline, turned in a report with errors or had a poor performance in a meeting.

Reducing assumptions will reduce anxiety. The snowball stops rolling; the angry act of blaming and the depressed feeling of being trapped don't have to occur.


Employee Mental Health Effects a Business' Bottom line


I read a short article entitled "The Hidden Cost of Turnover", which highlights both measurable and hard to measure costs of employee turn-over. The article detailed everything from the cost of recruiting fees to the "learning curve" cost of a new employee who might take time to perform at peak levels. The article didn't provide any "take away" figures on what exactly that cost might be, so I decided to look into it myself. In a study done by Bliss & Associates, Inc, they found that the cost of turnover is 150% of the employee's annual compensation. That figure grows to 200% to 250% when turnover is within managerial and sales positions. Costs included both direct expense such as advertising and temporary staffing and the indirect cost of lost productivity. With figures that dramatic, the cost of turnover quickly stops being "hidden." The next logical question in the article was "are you doing enough" to decrease turnover?


And then the article ended.


That's like leading a horse, not to water, but to an empty creek bed. Here's some of the water that was missing:


In today's job market, companies might not worry about employee retention. People who have jobs are not only glad to have them, but are often willing to carry large workloads, log extra hours and even work in hostile work environments in order to keep a steady salary. While stress and less than ideal work conditions are an unfortunate necessity at times, if employees feel an undue amount of stress and burnout, they are more likely to leave that company when the job market stabilizes. A company expecting a rebound or even growth after a period of decline, might instead find themselves hit with a costly employee exodus.


As a manager or team leader, here are questions you should ask yourself:


1) Do I know the signs of workplace stress both in an individual and at a team level?


Chronic stress has affects on the physical body. Workers might experience more frequent headaches, be more susceptible to seasonal illnesses and report difficulty resting or sleeping during time off. This, naturally, can create an increase in absenteeism. Chronic stress can also decrease cognitive ability and stamina. Trouble concentrating or completing assignments is reported as a result of chronic stress.
At the team level, low morale will result in a lack of cohesiveness in decision making, more frequent office conflict and lower work quality.


2) Do I know how to decrease workplace stress for my employees?


While it is tempting to squeeze out every bit of time from employees when a company does not have the ability to increase staff size, it is important to realize that more hours in the work day does not equal more productivity. Maintaining healthy work hours and work boundaries keeps employees mentally sharp and more efficient. Challenge: for one or two weeks, avoid sending emails or work-related requests after business hours. During that one week, require employees to honor business hours; if it is time to go at 5pm, they should go home. If a project or deadline makes that impossible, require that they leave early the next day. After a week or weeks, do you notice a difference? Reports have been made that companies who work a four day week are just as productive as those who work a five day week. Could it be because those who work four days a week are more mentally rested and energized for their work?


Other areas for consideration include:
- Do employees experience chronic work overload?
-Do they experience unfair treatment by co-workers or team leaders?
-Are the expectations of employees reasonable or impossible?
-Have employees received adequate training? This is especially valid if employees have been asked to perform tasks outside of their job description due to downsizing.
-How are employees recognized for their work, especially when it is "above and beyond" the call?
-Is there clear direction about company and individual priorities?


3) Do my employees know how to manage their workplace stress?


Perhaps the question you are asking right now is, should it be my responsibility to make sure they can manage their stress? In short, yes. It will have an affect on your bottom line; more importantly, however, depending on the type of industry you are in, it is unethical to knowingly use chronically stressed, burned out employees. This is especially true in health care, helping professions such as counseling and social work, and in education. Make wellness and self-care a priority for your company and employees. Encouraging people to participate in their own care shows them that they are seen as whole individuals, not simple "workers."


Recently, an accountant for a small company expressed to her boss that she was feeling unfocused and tense because lately she hadn't been able to find the time to run. This was something that she had always used as a stress reliever. Her boss would have every right to simply ignore the statement. After all, the work day is the work day. Instead, he said, "How can we make it work that you get done what you need to do for this company and still have time for your run?" In a matter of 5 minutes they had decided that one day a week, she would come in an hour earlier so she could leave for a run at the end of the work day. It's my guess that this woman not only feels less stress and anxiety, but also has more positive feelings and loyalty toward her boss and company.


Workplace stress can be difficult to navigate for managers and employees alike. Indeed, we did not even address the burnout that is experienced by management! If your company has arrangements with an EAP, use it! If not, contact me to help you manage workplace stress and, in turn, make your company more productive and profitable.”

Setting Boundaries

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us."

It is important to state our feelings out loud, and to precede the feeling with "I feel." (When we say "I am angry, I'm hurt, etc." we are stating that the feeling is who we are. Emotions do not define us, they are a form of internal communication that help us to understand ourselves. They are a vital part of our being - as a component of the whole.) This is owning the feeling. It is important to do for ourselves. By stating the feeling out loud we are affirming that we have a right to feelings. We are affirming it to ourselves - and taking responsibility for owning ourselves and our reality. Rather the other person can hear us and understand is not as important as hearing ourselves and understanding that we have a right to our feelings. It is vitally important to own our own voice. To own our right to speak up for ourselves."

Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation - although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome."

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.