Elder Whitney made this statement in General Conference: “The Prophet Joseph Smith declared—and he never taught more comforting doctrine—that the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice; they will suffer for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving father's heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God” (Orson F. Whitney, Conference Report, April 1929).

Progression and Interaction

I have been reflecting on the concept of Glory, specifically how God increases in Glory. And as I reflected on this I began to reflect on how this concept affects us and how it helps us grow in our own balance, wellness and perspective. Eternal progression is all interactional - meaning, that you progress as others progress. This has a real impact when considering mental health, because this would mean that we need others to stay mentally well (not a new concept). God is continually progressing, not in knowledge, but in glory. God helps us progress, but we, as well, help Him progress (interaction) - by our good works and our service to others (His children) we add to His Glory! This is just one more reason we need to serve others, keeping this in mind - As we help others progress, we in turn progress and God progresses because of our progression - For this is His work and Glory! And His work and glory is to help us! God He knows all and is all, and at the level that He is, being ultimately omnipotent and omnipresent, there is no other purpose or reason than to help everyone else, His children, to succeed. We must focus on service to others, to help everyone. If service is God's Glory, then our work, everything we do, should be to serve others and be for His glory. The implications of this would solve most of the emotional difficulties, addiction issues and other problems in our society. We should not worry about trivial things, such as what people think, only what God thinks of you, and in turn, you will draw the Godly to you.

Courage, Fear and Faith

Some have mistaken that courage is to have a lack of fear--but one can be fearful and still have courage. Courage is to act in the face of fear, to work through something you are scared of, and then overcome your fear. This takes maturity (aspects of maturity are doing things which one does not want to do, but doing them because they know it is the correct thing)--Just as courage is to be afraid, but doing it anyways. The mistaken definition of Courage (as stated above), is actually a definition of faith--for faith is the opposite of fear. Courage leads to faith though, because as one acts against fear (Courage) one increases in faith--faith in yourself and in God. Christ's faith was so infinite that oftentimes he didn't need courage, there is only one scriptural reference I found that expressed Christ's need to use courage to overcome fear. It is found in Matthew 26, "Then saith he (Christ) unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death... And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt" (MATT 26:38-39). We then realize in the Doctrine and Covenants just how much Courage, faith and obedience Christ had--He knew what was going to happen to Him, and followed the Will of the Father and did it anyways--He took the sins of the World upon Him, "Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed from every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit--and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink--Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men" (Doctrine and Covenants 19:18-19). What great courage it takes to follow the will of the Father! But as we have Courage to follow His will, we increase in faith--and with that faith, fear is dispelled!

Seven Laws

It is interesting what one can find when one thinks outside of the box. I was meeting with a client recently and he told me about something he found which had really helped him. He stated that he found this help in a very unorthodox area--he was watching the evangelical television station. Although he didn't agree with most of what the evangelical minister was saying, or his stance on making excessive amounts of money off of ministering (a.k.a. priest craft), he did glean some great wisdom from one aspects of this preacher's ministry. The following in a synopsis of the Seven Laws of Success, by the minister, Mike Murdock:

Law # 1 The Law of difference This is having the wisdom to be able to discern difference. What makes you different from everyone else. What problem can you solve?

Law#2 The Law of the MindKnowing how to focus the mind, to rule the mind, to make the mind work for you, not let the mind control you. To learn, to be focused, to concentrate, to have a picture in your mind of what you want and go for it, like visualization. See it. Have pictures up on the wall.

Law# 3 The Law of Recognition The thing you need is there; it’s just a matter of recognizing it. If there’s something missing in your life, there’s more than likely something you’re not seeing. Most of the time it’s right in front of your face but you are so conditioned and so distracted that you don’t see it. I like this one a lot. Tai chi helps with this, and taking the time for contemplation and meditation. What are you not seeing?

Law #4 The Law of 2 Mike Murdoch speaks of the power of covenant, and that the difference in seasons is a person. One person can change your life in 24 hours. All you need is one person to recognize what is special about you, to take you on as a mentor to you, to enter into a covenant with you. Who is that person?

Law #5 The Law of Place Where you are is as important as what you are. Mike Murdoch speaks of Jesus, who had to leave his hometwown and preach elsewhere to be recognized. When you are where you belong, your genius emerges. So it behooves us to consider whether we are where we need to be, and if not, where is that place.

Law #6 The Law of Honor Your future is determined by who you have chosen to honor. You must have a code of honor. Honor is a seed that will outlast a lifetime.

Law #7 The Law of the Seed Our offerings to God are seeds that produce a harvest. There are many types of seeds in our life. Honor is the seed for access, kindness is a seed, time is a seed, love is a seed, teaching is a seed, giving is a seed. This law is to work in the financial arena as well

These "laws", as per my client helped him have a paradigm shift in his therapy. He realized how to make significant changes in his life by processing through these "laws"

Being and Eternal One-ness

I have been reading some existential thought and thought it would be appropriated to post my reflections on this blog (since it is called "existential abreaction"). Although most philosophers who tout themselves "existentialist" claim they are atheist, I believe that most of them are just bitter at God--for if you read between the lines of their writings, it seems very belief driven, especially with the concept of "being". This concept that I have been researching, "being", also know as "oneness" or "God's Will", is a type of surrender, along the lines of "when one loses themselves, they then find themselves". To "be" is to transcend a life of "to do lists". It is essentially to become who we really are--to achieve an understanding of our eternal potential, as children of God.

The Bible Dictionary has a very insightful description of "repentance". It states, "The Greek word of which this is the translation denotes a change of mind, i.e., a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world". I found this fascinating, for I have found that the idea of repentance has been misunderstood by many of the clients I have met with. Many individuals have the distorted view that repentance is tied to punishment, but repentance is tied to change and progress. As the bible dictionary alludes to, repentance is a change in perceptions--we perceive God, oneself and the world differently. Indeed, repentance is a paradigm shift--we abandon the old self and change ourselves anew!

To follow this idea of perception change further: Repentance is a "fresh view of God" because after the process of repentance, we see God in a new light. Oftentimes, people who are in error, blame God for their error. People will often hold resentment towards God when they sin. But when a person progresses passed the distortions of their self-oriented gratifications and delusions, which come with sin, they then wake up to the understanding that God has been beckoning them home all along. They then realize that God loves them infinitely! Then with this knowledge of God's love, they no longer want to sin. Christ stated "This is life Eternal, that they might know Thee the only true God..." (John 17:3) When we know God, we change and progress rapidly. Individuals only sin, because they have a lack of knowledge.

As a person repents, they also view themselves differently. The Apostle Paul stated "For now [with our mortal limitations] we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face [when we are face to face with God, and have become gods, we will see who we really are, that we are 'like him;, see 1 John 3:2, where we are told 'we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is'] now I know in part [now, I do not know all things]; but then shall I know even as also I am known [by God in celestial exaltation, see D&C 76:94]" (1 Corinthians 13:12, see also Ridges, your study of the new testament, p. 178). "In other words, via true doctrine, you must 'see' your potential, and that you and I have the potential" to become eternal and claim our birthright as children of God! (Ridges, 178) This can only occur when we let go of the self oriented perspective and seek "God's Will" and become one with Him, as Christ and the Holy Ghost are One with the Father. And this oneness, this unity can happen now. All a person needs to do is seek and find. Christ stated, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; For everyone that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened". (Matt 7:7-8)

The fresh view about the world occurs as one repents, for we begin to see the distortions of the world, but also the good and potential of the world. And we also understand what will help our neighbors. A statement attributed to Ezra Taft Benson reflects this:

"The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of the people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behaviors, but Christ can change human nature."

I would add to the bible dictionary definition of repentance that repentance also gives us a greater perspective on the adversary. When we repent and light flows through us, we can discern truth and error and a much more effective level. The Holy Ghost enables us to better understand the darkness as well as the light. It is essential in this life that we understand Satan and what he is really trying to do to the whole human family.

We have been discussing much on the subject of what seeking "God's Will" through repentance can do for us, but what more can we do to gain this "fresh view" quickly? From partaking the sacrament worthily and renewing baptismal covenants, we can renew ourselves and detach from the deceptions of the adversary and the distortions of the world. How does this happen? The Sacrament enables us to have "His Spirit to be with us always" and if we have it with us always we can discern the fiery darts coming from the adversary--we can see through the mist of darkness and understand that the world [or the "great and spacious building" as seen in Lehi's dream, interpreted as "the pride, wisdom, and vain imaginations of the world" (1 Nephi 8:26, 11:35-36, 12:18)] is one big delusion. Seek out those things which will make you free!

How to we achieve "be-ing" and "oneness"? We must reconcile ourselves to God and become one with Him. We must transcend this world, shun promptings from a dark source and add light onto ourselves. And once we begin our journey of light, light will add onto the light. And "that which is of God is light; and he that recieveth light, and continueth in God, recieveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day." (Doctrine and Convenants 50:24)

Love Destroying Shame

I wish to introduce the concept of dysfunctional shame, as it contrasts from functional shame. In functional shame a person realizes that it is okay to make mistakes, that we are not perfect and that if we fall down, we get back up. Dysfunctional shame, on the other hand, can destroy a person. And dysfunctional shame always stems from alienation and avoidance.
The cycle is thus: As a person alienates himself from the society around him, the response to that alienation from others is avoidance, which engenders a feeling of abandonment within the person who alienated himself (a self-fulfilling prophecy).
The second stage of the above graph, “abandonment,” can also stem from other sources than alienation. For instance, abuse of any kind increases feelings of abandonment. When a child is physically, emotionally or sexually abused, that child negatively detaches from the world around her. Feelings of abandonment are feelings of isolation from human contact. Feelings of abandonment are also feelings of betrayal, which feelings inevitably lead to apathy—which emotion is quintessentially tied to alienation.
These feelings of abandonment can also stem from a perception of loss. For instance, a child’s father could have been cold and aloof. This father could have also been authoritarian in parenting style—a type of “drill sergeant” parent. This child may then perceive a loss of a father who “could have, should have, and ought to have been” (distortions of thought) a warm and affirming father. This loss has a natural outcome of emotions tied to abandonment.
This abandonment then creates a false self-identity, or an identity fraught with distorted perceptions of “who am I.” This is the “dysfunctional shadow identity.” And when a person finds herself living through this identity, the perception of self is one of destruction. Persons with this identity may say to themselves, “I am worthless all of the time,” or “I am wicked and am not worth God’s time…or for that matter anybody else’s time.” This dysfunctional shadow identity is directed by unhealthy shame, which tears a person down and inhibits emotional growth.
When someone has developed a dysfunctional shadow identity, this someone then begins to live through this identity—their thoughts and beliefs become skewed and distorted—they develop a “shadow belief.” For example, a person might begin to believe that nothing ever works out for them, or that no one will ever love them. These shadow beliefs are wrought with non-meaningful pain and suffering, which a person inevitably feels compelled to rid themselves of.
The strong negative emotions which result from the shadow belief lead to the compulsive and addictive actions of the “shadow behaviors.” Drug addiction, gambling, overeating, overspending, other deviant addictions and compulsions come with a high price to pay. When the “shadow consequences” occur resulting from negative choices, the results of these choices feed back into the dysfunctional shadow identity, which lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, “See I knew it, I am worthless, and the proof of this is the fact that I am in jail for a DUI.”
Functional shame is closely related to our authentic selves. To perpetuate and reinforce the authentic self, one must accomplish a few necessary steps. The following acronym “REAL SELF” are a few steps needed in progressing towards an authentic self:

(R)ely on God
(E)xpress emotion
(A)ccept sources of shame
(L)et go

(S)elf-disclosure
(E)voke accountability
(L)ove yourself
(F)orgiveness of self and others

Rely on God

Relying on God is essential to heal from any malady. As it will be highlighted in discussion 11, my belief is that in any relationship, spirituality must be highlighted for the relationship to grow. And concerning therapy: a person’s spiritual side must be addressed before ending that therapeutic relationship. The spiritual core values are what lead to lasting change… they make all of the behavioral skills and introspection processed through the therapy sessions take on meaning and purpose, which will lead to lasting change. If there is no why, how long will the how last?
Of course this is something very personal, and can only truly be obtained by communion with deity—through prayer or meditation. Praying and receiving from communion with God is essential.

Express emotion

Expressing emotion is also very necessary in obtaining a healing experience. If you have ever had the experience of attending therapy, you realize that more often than not the therapist asks this question, “How are you feeling” or “Would you identify your mood for me,” etc. Why is it that these specialists are so interested in moods? For one thing, an exploration of emotions is something that is neglected in our society, to not experience your mood is a good way to develop lasting mental abnormalities. To identify your mood is the gateway to managing your mood. And managing your mood leads to emotional maturity and mental wellness. I have discovered in my practice of psychotherapy that most mental disorders have a root cause in abnormal emotion maintenance. For both children and adults, I have seen great gains made in therapy by having participants in therapy simply identify their moods frequently. Many times, I have seen participants connect many psychological patterns and unlock unresolved trauma or grief by opening up emotionally. Your emotions are the gateway to the unconscious mysteries that may have been plaguing you for years. Alice Miller essentially stated that exposure to a trauma doesn’t cause a mental illness, but the inability to express emotion about the trauma causes the dysfunction.
One technique that I have used to obtain the emotional goals I have for myself is to keep a journal and write down the moods that I am experiencing everyday. Another technique I have used (especially with children) is to use a “cheat sheet” which has a list of moods. I will have the person take the cheat sheet home with them and identify a mood off the list often during the day. This activity will increase exposure to emotion identification, which is the first step in emotional management.

Accept sources of shame

For many people this is one of the most difficult steps, because many individuals’ sources of shame can be found within their family of origin. Mother and father are our greatest models and sources of love and self-identity. However, when a family becomes dysfunctional, these models of attachment can wreak havoc on our sensitive and developing sense of self. But it must be understood, if our parents were toxic, there was probably a good chance that their parents were toxic as well. We must come to understand that there is a good chance that even abusive people are doing the best they know how. If as a child a person was beaten for bad behavior, what other model did he or she have of parenting than that of an abusive example received from his/her parents? This toxicity becomes multigenerational, but of course, this is not an excuse—our agency dictates that we must choose to break this cycle, or we will be as responsible as those who abused us. And to break this cycle, we must accept our past, focus on today, and influence our future. If you have had serious abuse in your past, you must get therapy if you are to ever get to the point of acceptance. And acceptance will lead to breaking the cycle. Note: Acceptance and approval are different. Acceptance is tied to forgiveness, understanding and letting go. Approval is related to condoning.

Let Go
Tied to Relying on God is letting go. A common AA phrase is “Let go and let God.” Surrendering control is what letting go is all about. One of the most powerful aspects of any 12-step group is the recitation of the Serenity Prayer. This prayer has already been cited in this work, however it is such a powerful concept, it is worth quoting again.

God grant me the Serenity
To Accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to Know the difference

Acceptance of things that are out of our control is often one of the most difficult things to perceive when we are attempting to overcome love-destroying shame. Another key element which ties to these concepts of letting go and accepting is the idea of detaching.
Detachment doesn’t mean that we don’t care. It does mean that we are involved, but within healthy self boundaries. With detachment comes serenity, because we reach a state of being in which we can observe the environment around us, but we don’t have to control the environment. We are in the world, but not of the world.
For example, I had a client who would obsess and worry about seemingly everything, but specifically her teenage son. The son was severely addicted to narcotics. When her son turned 18, he went to jail on drug charges, and my client was immediately present to bail him out. She attempted to do everything for him, and she wondered why her son would continue to get into trouble. She would rescue and he would rebel. Finally, my client came to the realization that her son needed to be “his own man.” Again he was sent to jail, but she did not bail him out. She told him that she loved him, but that he needed to take responsibility for himself—she detached, but was still involved and loving towards him. To her surprise, her crippling depression, anxiety and anger issues slowly faded and she then no longer needed to see me for therapy.

Self-Disclosure
To overcome the shadow identity and dysfunction shame, a person must self-disclose to others. Self-disclosure is essential—it leads to a corrective emotional experience, which is a healing process of overcoming the damage done from earlier dysfunctional relationships. This is the power behind recovery and therapy groups—when we come out of hiding and reveal pain to a supportive group of people, we overcome our shadow identity and come closer and nearer to our authentic self. This leads to developing healthy relationships, which also adds to the corrective emotional experience.

Evoke Accountability
The majority of people I see in therapy are there because they do not want to make a decision—they want me (their therapist) to make a decision for them. When I think of almost every mental or relational problem I have helped people with, there inevitably is a responsibility issue at the core of the matter. This is what the defense mechanisms of projections, displacement, splitting (triangulation), and others are defending against—personal accountability!
The following is a list of defense mechanisms as identified and provided by Wikipedia.com: (notice how many of them deal with responsibility avoidance at an unconscious, preconscious and conscious level).
Level 1 Defence Mechanisms
The mechanisms on this level, when predominating, almost always are severely pathological. These three defences, in conjunction, permit one to effectively rearrange external reality and eliminate the need to cope with reality. The pathological users of these mechanisms frequently appear crazy or insane to others. These are the "psychotic" defences, common in overt psychosis. However, they are found in dreams and throughout childhood as healthy mechanisms.
They include:
· Denial: Refusal to accept external reality because it is too threatening; arguing against an anxiety-provoking stimuli by stating it doesn't exist; resolution of emotional conflict and reduce anxiety by refusing to perceive or consciously acknowledge the more unpleasant aspects of external reality.
· Distortion: A gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs.
· Delusional Projection: Grossly frank delusions about external reality, usually of a persecutory nature.
Level 2 Defence Mechanisms
These mechanisms are often present in adults and more commonly present in adolescence. These mechanisms lessen distress and anxiety provoked by threatening people or by uncomfortable reality. People who excessively use such defences are seen as socially undesirable in that they are immature, difficult to deal with and seriously out of touch with reality. These are the so-called "immature" defences and overuse almost always lead to serious problems in a person's ability to cope effectively. These defences are often seen in severe depression and personality disorders. In adolescence, the occurrence of all of these defences is normal.
These include:
· Fantasy: Tendency to retreat into fantasy in order to resolve inner and outer conflicts.
· Projection: Projection is a primitive form of paranoia. Projection also reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the undesirable impulses or desires without becoming consciously aware of them; attributing one's own unacknowledged unacceptable/unwanted thoughts and emotions to another; includes severe prejudice, severe jealousy, hypervigilance to external danger, and "injustice collecting.” It is shifting one's unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses within oneself onto someone else, such that those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations as perceived as being possessed by the other.
· Hypochondriasis (a.k.a. somatization): The transformation of negative feelings towards others into negative feelings toward self, pain, illness and anxiety.
· Passive aggression: Aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively.
· Acting out: Direct expression of an unconscious wish or impulse without conscious awareness of the emotion that drives that expressive behavior.
Level 3 Defence Mechanisms
These mechanisms are considered neurotic, but fairly common in adults. Such defences have short-term advantages in coping, but can often cause long-term problems in relationships, work and in enjoying life when used as one's primary style of coping with the world.
These include:
· Displacement: Defence mechanism that shifts sexual or aggressive impulses to a more acceptable or less threatening target; redirecting emotion to a safer outlet; separation of emotion from its real object and redirection of the intense emotion toward someone or something that is less offensive or threatening in order to avoid dealing directly with what is frightening or threatening.
· Dissociation: Temporary drastic modification of one's personal identity or character to avoid emotional distress; separation or postponement of a feeling that normally would accompany a situation or thought.
· Intellectualization: A form of isolation; concentrating on the intellectual components of a situation so as to distance oneself from the associated anxiety-provoking emotions; separation of emotion from ideas; thinking about wishes in formal, affectively bland terms and not acting on them; avoiding unacceptable emotions by focusing on the intellectual aspects.
· Reaction Formation: Converting unconscious wishes or impulses that are perceived to be dangerous into their opposites; behavior that is completely the opposite of what one really wants or feels; taking the opposite belief because the true belief causes anxiety. This defence can work effectively for coping in the short term, but will eventually break down.
· Repression: Process of pulling thoughts into the unconscious and preventing painful or dangerous thoughts from entering consciousness; seemingly unexplainable naiveté, memory lapse or lack of awareness of one's own situation and condition; the emotion is conscious, but the idea behind it is absent.
Level 4 Defence Mechanisms
These are commonly found among emotionally healthy adults and are considered the most mature, even though many have their origins in the immature level. However, these have been adapted through the years so as to optimize success in life and relationships. The use of these defences enhances user pleasure and feelings of mastery. These defences help the users to integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts while still remaining effective. Persons who use these mechanisms are viewed as having virtues.
These include:
· Altruism: Constructive service to others that brings pleasure and personal satisfaction.
· Anticipation: Realistic planning for future discomfort.
· Humour: Overt expression of ideas and feelings (especially those that are unpleasant to focus on or too terrible to talk about) that gives pleasure to others. Humour enables someone to call a spade a spade, while "wit" is a form of displacement (see above under Category 3).
· Identification: The unconscious modelling of one's self upon another person's character and behavior.
· Introjection: Identifying with some idea or object so deeply that it becomes a part of that person.
· Sublimation: Transformation of negative emotions or instincts into positive actions, behavior, or emotion.
· Suppression: The conscious process of pushing thoughts into the preconscious; the conscious decision to delay paying attention to an emotion or need in order to cope with the present reality; able to later access uncomfortable or distressing emotions and accept them.

Defense mechanisms protect us from being consciously aware of a thought or feeling which we cannot tolerate. The defense only allows the unconscious thought or feeling to be expressed indirectly in a disguised form. When these defenses become dysfunctional, dangerous, deviant or distressing, a person needs to seek treatment; however, it is essential to know that many of these defenses operate within all of us. These defenses are not inherently negative, some may be quite positive, like sublimation. However and indeed, many of these defenses can contribute to responsibility avoidance. For example, I once worked with an individual who was in extreme denial surrounding his extreme heroin addiction. He had convinced himself that it was natural and even healthy for him. He felt that everyone was out to get him and as long as he could maintain his job and his relationships, there was no reason to change. In a therapy group for substance abuse, many of the group members tried to “break him.” They would challenge and confront him until they were blue in the face (literally). However, none of their efforts worked. Yet one day he presented the group with a very depressed affect which was unlike his usual bravado. He stated, “My girlfriend left me and I think I am going to get fired, all because of my drug use.” Now, the defenses were down and the group could get some real work done. He was now ready, willing and somewhat able to grow out of this dysfunction… so we thought. As the group gave him suggestions, and praised him on “seeing through the pink haze,” he began to become a little bit stoic. He then began to follow the group’s lead by asking for advice, which they in turn were eager to give. Over the next week, he practiced the behaviors that the group told him to do, began a 12-step program as they had advised, and he attempted to be as honest as he could with others, also as the group had advised. During the next group, he was absent, and he never returned. “What happened… he was doing so well?,” group members asked. On a private phone call I had with him some weeks later, he told me that the 12-step group was full of “self-righteous do-gooders,” the people he attempted to be honest with rejected him, and all the advice the group had given him had “blown up in his face.” He has made the group accountable for his failed attempts of sobriety.
How do we evoke accountability within ourselves when we may be in a state of defensiveness? It has much to do with our relationships with others and how they respond to us. Good feedback from those who care does not include advice, this will only perpetuate responsibility avoidance. Good listening is key to evoke accountability.
Thomas Gordon described some roadblocks to listening:
• Asking questions
• Agreeing, approving, or praising
• Advising, suggesting, providing solutions
• Arguing, persuading with logic, lecturing
• Analyzing or interpreting
• Assuring, sympathizing, or consoling
• Ordering, directing, or commanding
• Warning, cautioning, or threatening
• Moralizing, telling what they “should” do
• Disagreeing, judging, criticizing, or blaming
• Shaming, ridiculing, or labeling
• Withdrawing, distracting, humoring, or changing the subject
“Why are they roadblocks?” Gordon continues:
“They get in the speaker’s way. In order to keep moving, the speaker has to go around them… They have the effect of blocking, stopping, diverting, or changing direction… They insert the listener’s ‘stuff’… They communicate: One-up role: `Listen to me! I’m the expert.’ And they put-down (subtle, or not-so-subtle).”
Certainly, it is a difficult, if not an impossible job to evoke accountability in others, and very often it is difficult to evoke accountability in ourselves. The first step is to realize that there are many aspects of our lives that we do not want to investigate. The second step is to become aware of the fact that we are responsible for those aspects; we are even responsible for things outside of ourselves. In a strange way, it can be liberating to know that we are responsible for everything in our environment—we are not to blame—but we are responsible. It is also key to remember that freedom is found in two simple actions: repenting and forgiving (we will discuss more of this in the next section).

Love Yourself
This is a very powerful principle. Loving yourself will be described throughout this book as one of the quintessential achievements to overcome most mental dysfunctions. The first step is to become familiar with positive affirmations. There is power in intently looking into your eyes in a mirror and saying “I love you… You mean a lot to me… etc.” So often, we do just the opposite. If a person attempts to give himself positive affirmations continuously for two weeks, that person will notice a drastic change in the way he perceives himself and his environment.
When a lawyer asked Jesus, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” he answered, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Matt. 22:36–39.) Notice that Jesus said you are to love your neighbor as yourself. God wants you to love yourself just as much as he wants you to love others. Dr. Clark Swain stated, “If you truly love yourself, you will remember that you are a physical, mental, and spiritual being. Loving yourself as God wants you to means that you use wisdom in protecting your life and conserving your health.”
Loving yourself also means to be grateful for yourself and your abilities, and to be grateful to God. It has been shown in research that attitude of gratitude can significantly increase a lasting sense of well-being. In an experimental comparison, those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who recorded hassles or neutral life events (Emmons & McCullough, 2003). Also, it has been shown that a related benefit of the attitude of gratitude was observed in the realm of personal goal attainment: Participants who kept gratitude lists were more likely to have made progress toward important personal goals (academic, interpersonal and health-based) over a two-month period compared to subjects in the other experimental conditions. Moreover, daily gratitude interventions (self-guided exercises) with young adults resulted in higher reported levels of the positive states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy compared to a focus on hassles or a downward social comparison (ways in which participants thought they were better off than others). There was no difference in levels of unpleasant emotions reported in the three groups. It was also found by Drs. Robert A. Emmons and Michael E. McCullough that in a sample of adults with neuromuscular disease, a 21-day gratitude intervention resulted in greater amounts of high-energy positive moods, a greater sense of feeling connected to others, more optimistic ratings of one’s life, and better sleep duration and sleep quality, relative to a control group.

Forgiveness of self and others
This section is a little longer than the former, because this concept is essential to healing. There are two principles all people need to learn to overcome the shadow identity. These are repenting and forgiving. Repenting is essential, because this action leads to an understanding that we make mistakes, we are not perfect, and that we are “okay.” When we do something wrong, say sorry and make restitution. Asking God for forgiveness is liberating and evokes healthy shame and guilt, which as John Bradshaw states “safeguards the soul” because we will conceptualize that we have limits and boundaries, and truly we are good people who perform badly at times. Again, it is “okay,” we must not be so hard on ourselves. The danger of the shadow identity is that an individual can become dichotomous in thought, action and belief. On one extreme a person may need to be “perfect,” achieving extremely in everything. They also are compelled to show little-to-no emotions, because this is weakness. These people “have to” and “have no choice” in their need to achieve. On the other side of the spectrum of the shadow identity, an individual sees himself as a “no-good sinner” not worthy of “redemption.” Both sides of the spectrum are toxic and can lead to personal destruction.
The Greek word for which the English term “repentance” was derived denotes a change of mind, or in effect, a fresh view about God (Bible Dictionary, p. 760). This idea is truly at odds with the notions of punishment and pain, with which many people associate the term of repentance.
Forgiveness of ourselves is important and forgiveness of others is essential for our healing. Anyone who has ever been victimized—and that includes survivors of crime, accidents, childhood abuse, political imprisonment, warfare, and so on—must decide whether or not to forgive those who made the violation, even if that person is not repentant. There can be no way around this choice: either you decide to forgive the person who hurt you, or you hold on to bitterness and anger until it consumes you. Holding on to bitterness and anger can perpetuate further bitterness and anger. One example I witnessed was an individual who had been molested by a grandfather, who had passed away without ever acknowledging his wrongdoing. The survivor’s anger and desire for revenge became an obsession. She so focused on the crime that she completely missed the opportunity she had been given to learn about real love, forgiveness and letting go. In its place, she seemed to believe that hatred would satisfy her thirst for vengeance and would somehow bring healing. As a result, this individual repeated over and over, “I’ll never forgive.” One of my favorite examples to use with children and adults of a character who didn’t forgive was that of Darth Vader. He was so preoccupied with those who trespassed against him that his hatred and revenge turned him literally into a machine. What a powerful archetype Darth Vader is of vengeance.
To forgive can be a problem for some to conceptualize because it can be a concept that is obscure, especially to our Western perspective, simply because we have been bombarded by the ideas of “getting even” and “mercy is for the weak.” And many times, the concept of forgiveness gets confused with the concept of reconciliation, which is related to forgiveness. Tangentially, reconciliation and restitution are even more closely related than forgiveness and reconciliation, although all three terms are orbital. Restitution “denotes a return of something once present, but has been taken away or lost.” (Bible Dictionary. P. 761) Reconciliation comes from the Latin words re-, meaning “again,” and conciliare, which means “to bring together.”
Again, the difficulty surrounding forgiveness is an understanding of the difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. And in many instances persons who have wronged another do not “own up” to their mistakes, especially when pride is involved, thus restitution does not happen and reconciliation doesn’t take place. And when reconciliation is not present, then what is the victim to do? Most victims don’t realize that forgiveness is a choice on their part, no matter what the victimizer does, or does not, do. Furthermore, if the victimizer seeks reconciliation, that action and healing can only occur if the victim is willing and able to forgive. Forgiveness is always the victim’s, or the survivor’s, decision. Again and in addition, reconciliation is impossible except the victim/survivor is willing and able to forgive and the victimizer apologizes or restores that which has been taken or was lost. Now I have been using the verbs “willing and able” because there is something problematic concerning forgiveness—you can’t fully forgive until you can allow yourself to feel the pain you were caused. And in our Western society, it seems that everyone attempts to avoid pain, or any other emotion for that matter. This is why forgiveness can be tricky. And if we don’t feel that pain, something much more toxic will take its place—anger and revenge! This occurs because a person who does not allow the expression of pain unconsciously builds resentment. This resentment, as it builds, needs to find an outlet. This outlet may be a physical one, such as hypertension or headaches, but usually the outlet is a more psychological one, such as depression or anger (turned outward or inward towards one’s self).
I once worked with a gentleman who, after twenty years of work, was fired because of office politics. He came in to see me because of an addiction to pain pills. He was a very sophisticated individual and saw himself as an enlightened and intellectual individual. In groups, this man would make many wonderful insights into other group members. He revealed one day that he felt he was addicted to anger. Anger began to fill the void that drugs had occupied. He began to say in group, “Those bastards who took away my job… I did nothing wrong, they were intimidated by me and because of their power issues they fired me.” Of course, his former employer made no restitution, so therefore he could “never forgive them,” although at the time of his firing he had said to his wife, “Oh well, it’s not that big of a deal, I’m just going to forget about it.” He had prematurely forgiven his employer, which leads to resentment, which led him to become addicted to pain pills. Psychologically, the concept of “forget” is called “repressed.” And when something is repressed, it hangs around, under the surface, needing expression somehow, physically or emotionally. When pain is repressed, it drags down all the emotions associated with that pain, thus making forgiveness impossible, because on some level you are just “keeping score.” Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting. To forgive is simply to stop wishing for revenge or to stop wanting to see the other person suffer in some way. But forgiveness is not blind. Because trust has been violated you cannot just forget what happened or else the same thing might happen again.

The authentic self cycle is the antithesis to the shadow cycle. And as oil and water repel each other, so do the shadow and the light. As one increases in light, the shadow diminishes.
As a negative self-fulfilling prophecy occurred in the dysfunctional shadow identity cycle (negative beliefs lead to negative shadow behaviors, and negative shadow behaviors lead to negative shadow consequences that continuously feed the dysfunctional shadow identity), in the authentic self cycle, light beliefs, such as “I am a good person” lead to light behaviors, such as serving others, which lead to light consequences, which create a positive self-fulfilling prophecy, which in turn feed the authentic self.

Dealing with a Difficult ex-Spouse

Dealing with a difficult ex-spouse can be very discouraging and defeating. Yet, we are called to continue trying to pursue good, to “turn the other cheek”, and “walk the extra mile.” Hopefully the following tips can aid you in your efforts to cope—because it’s all about the children.


1. Be sure to notice your own part of the ongoing conflict. Christian ex-spouses, for example, often feel justified in their anger toward their irresponsible ex-spouse. It’s easy, then, to also feel justified in your efforts to change them in whatever ways you feel are morally or practically necessary. Unfortunately, this sense of “rightness” often blinds good-hearted Christians from seeing just how their own behavior contributes to the ongoing cycle of conflict. Any time you try to change a difficult ex-spouse—even if for understandable moral reasons—you inadvertently invite hostility or a lack of cooperation in return. Learn to let go of what you can’t change so you don’t unknowingly keep the between home power struggles alive.

2. Stepparents should communicate a “non-threatening posture to the same-gender ex-spouse. An ex-wife, for example, may continue negativity because she is threatened by the presence of the new stepmother. It is helpful if the stepmother will communicate the following either by phone or email: “I just want you to know that I value your role with your children and I will never try to replace you. You are their mother and I’m not. I will support your decisions with the children, have them to your house on time, and never talk badly about you to the children. You have my word on that.” This helps to alleviate the need of the biological mother to bad-mouth the stepparent or the new marriage in order to keep her children’s loyalties.

3. Keep your “business meetings” impersonal to avoid excessive conflict. Face-to-face interaction has the most potential for conflict. Use the phone when possible or even talk to their answering machine if personal communication erupts into arguments. Use email or faxes when possible. Keep children from being exposed to negative interaction when it’s within your power.

4. Use a script to help you through negotiations. This strategy has helped thousands of parents. Before making a phone call, take the time to write out your thoughts including what you’ll say and not say. Also, anticipate what the other might say that will hurt or anger you. Stick to the business at hand and don’t get hooked into old arguments that won’t be solved with another fight. (For more on how to do this, see the “Be Prepared by Borrowing a Script and Sticking to It” section of the free Common Steps for Co-Parents e-booklet.)

5. Whenever possible, agree with some aspect of what you ex-spouse is suggesting. This good business principle applies in parenting as well. Even if you disagree with the main point, find some common ground.

6. Manage conversations by staying on matters of parenting. It is common for the conversations of “angry associate” co-parents to gravitate back toward negative personal matters of the past. Actively work to keep conversations focused on the children. If the conversation digresses to “old marital junk,” say something like, “I’d rather we discuss the schedule for this weekend. Where would you like to meet?” If the other continues to shift the conversation back to hurtful matters assertively say, “I’m sorry. I’m not interested in discussing us again. Let’s try this again later when we can focus on the weekend schedule.” Then, politely hang up the phone or walk away. Come back later and try again to stay on the parenting subject at hand.

7. When children have confusing or angry feelings toward your ex, don’t capitalize on their hurt and berate the other parent. Listen and help them explore their hurt feelings. If you can’t make positive statements about the other parent, strive for neutral ones. Let God’s statutes offer any necessary indictments on a parent’s behavior.

8. Remember that for children, choosing sides stinks! Children don’t want to compare their parents or choose one over the other. They simply want your permission to love each of you. This is especially important when the two of you can’t get along.

9. Wrestle with forgiveness. Hurt feelings from the past are the number one reason your ex—and you—overreact with one another. Do your part by striving to forgive them for the offenses of the past (and present). This will help you manage your emotions when dealing with them in the present.

10. Work hard to respect the other parent and his or her household. For your kids sake, find ways of being respectable even if you honestly can’t respect your ex-spouses lifestyle or choices. Do not personally criticize them, but don’t make excuses for their behavior either.

Reference: www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.com

Erickson's Story

Dr. Erickson (anonymous name) had been meeting with me for over six months when he wrote this history. Dr. Erickson was an older gentlemen, middle aged, married with older college aged children. As you read his story, focus on how his familial relationships, along with peer relationships affected his attraction towards men and how these relationships also affected his addictions.

I’m addicted to pornography and have been for many years. I have had periods, even long periods of staying away from it. But it always seems to come back into my life. I have had a compulsive masturbation habit and I have same-sex attraction issues dating back to my early teenage years. I’ve have had numerous adult male sexual encounters over periods of years.

My earliest recollection of exposure to pornography was at my cousin’s house when I was 9 or 10. My uncle had a Playboy in the house and my cousin showed it to me while we were home alone. I don’t remember what I saw but I remember feeling an incredibly intense feeling. When I was about 11 years old I started masturbating. I remember being immediately hooked to this habit. I knew it was wrong and it made me feel guilty but it also made me feel good. I, of course, hid it from everyone. I was shy and a fairly insecure person. All it did was feed on these feelings and made me feel all the worse but strangely, also helped me to cope with the stresses of that time of my life. Over the period of my teenage years I did it several times a week. Each time struggling to stop, realizing how it made me feel. But with each effort to stop came the urge to keep going. I feel Satan had his hooks in me at an early age. I take full responsibility but it seems that Satan has buffeted me unceasingly all of my life. Although I did this, I was active in the Church and always had a very strong testimony even at a very early age. I loved the gospel and have very good memories of my early life in the Church. I served in the presidency of all of the Aaronic Priesthood quorums and worked hard to compensate. I would get positive feedback from adults and wanted to please people. But I still felt inadequate and weak.

When I was about 12 or 13, I discussed these kinds of things with my friends and found they were doing the same things. As we discussed it, one of my friends suggested we masturbate together and touch each other. For several months I resisted. But I wanted to do it and finally I relinquished. For a period of about 2 years three friends and I would masturbate together and had oral sex. It felt great but I knew it was wrong. Pornography during this time was magazines that we would periodically get a hold of. I also knew it was wrong and I would vow to never repeat it. I felt totally conflicted. It seemed to relieve the pain and loneliness that I seemed to feel due to my shyness and insecurity about myself. It made me feel a part of something. It was incredibly selfish in retrospect but I didn’t fully realize the danger. This occurred through middle school. My mother actually asked me about it at one point because she became suspicious. This was very uncharacteristic of her. I talked with my mother and father about it and told them what I had been doing. It hurt them a lot and I felt I had totally let them down. My parents and I didn’t discuss it much after that.

I have wondered how my family relationships, particularly with my parents, were instrumental in my development of same sex attraction and addictive behavior patterns. I place no blame on anyone, including myself, as I believe this has not role in recovery. There were no overt abusive tendencies in my family and certainly no sexual abuse ever occurred…at least that I can remember. I had wonderful and caring parents who did the best they could.

My father was distant from me in many ways. I don’t really remember him showing me any physical affection until I was into adulthood and then rarely. I was equally distant from him. I don’t really know if I was afraid of him or if it was just my nature, but I didn’t want to show him much affection either. I didn’t feel “connected” to my father and never felt comfortable with any type of vulnerability or intimacy with him. He was a great athlete throughout his life. He coached sports at the jr. high and high school level mostly before I can remember. Later he became more involved with education/school administration. As a child I was afraid of participating in sports. I felt awkward and shy. I felt vulnerable to ridicule and criticism. Although I don’t remember my father ever doing that, I felt painfully aware of his disappointment in me. It may have been in my own mind but I don’t remember him ever saying anything that would dispel the feelings.

My relationship with my mother was different. As a small child I remember being very close to her. I remember sitting on her lap and being rocked when I was sick or just needed it. She shielded me in many ways when I look back on it. The problem I had with my mother was that I wouldn’t be honest with my feelings. I had a great desire to please her and make her proud of me and couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to her about things that bothered me. Actually the same with my father but I felt that was more difficult. In retrospect I felt some how demasculinated in my home growing up. My parents didn’t do that on purpose nor were they overtly emotionally abusive. It was my perception and we didn’t communicate well.

At one time late in high school I felt bad enough about the experience with my friends that I told my Bishop. He didn’t really follow-up with me and the masturbation problem continued. I didn’t confide in anyone else.

It was at this time that I started high school and we gradually stopped doing these things together. But I thought about it a lot. I became more involved in high school activities and less with these friends. However, the problem with masturbation continued through high school. I dated girls and had a very active and good high school experience. I never felt strong sexual feelings toward girls even though I dated a lot. But I do remember being very curious about guys.

When I graduated from high school I knew I had a year of college before my mission. I wanted to be a missionary since a small boy. I knew I couldn’t go on my mission with this problem and struggled for a year to control myself and did quite well. I still felt I could pray. A few months before I was to put in my papers Satan’s buffeting seem to worsen. I went into a depression that caused a pain that up to that point I hadn’t experienced. At one time, while in a park, I was enticed by an older college student to go to his apartment. I avoided the situation and nothing happened but I remember feeling an intense curiosity and guilt.

Upon my mission interview I again told my Bishop (who had been my young men’s president) generalities of my friends’ encounters. I felt at that time in my life I had control and had an intense desire to be a missionary. He felt I was ready and frankly so did I at that point.

I served an honorable mission and had no serious problems while on my mission. I continued to feel extraordinarily inadequate however at everything I did. This despite what might be considered outward success. I never felt I could live up to my own expectations.

When I returned home from my mission I went back to college. One time I remember being in SLC and walking the street. I was by myself. I entered a bookstore. Lined on the side was a variety of pornographic magazines. Although I remember feeling very embarrassed I picked up several of them and thumbed through them. The ones that enticed me were homosexual in nature and the carnality tantalized me. I felt awful. But the images of these magazines now were in my mind and kept racing through my mind. I returned to this place any time I could.

Some times during this time I fell back to masturbation. However I don’t remember the particulars and overall I was very happy over the next 2 years with my friends and the college experience. I had no sexual encounters and some how learned to live with the problem. I told no one of these problems I was experiencing.

My wife and I dated and I asked her to marry me. I didn’t tell her of these problems and our courtship was clean. I remember wanting to have a traditional marriage and family. I loved my wife but was confused that I didn’t feel this overwhelming sexual desire that everyone kept warning me would be there. I was uncomfortable talking about the subject with anyone. I thought that if I did the right things everything would work out. I don’t remember having masturbation problems during this time but likely did.

After we were married I again fell into a very deep depression for about a year. I struggled just to survive day to day. During this time of my life when is should be the very happiest, I was in deep despair. And honestly I couldn’t figure out why. It affected my wife. She thought it was her that caused it and I struggled not to show my true emotions. We had a good relationship overall but I was guarded. This started a pattern of secrecy in my marriage that was not intentional but was a matter, I thought, of survival.

I don’t remember much about that year but probably off and on continued to have masturbation as a problem as this was the pattern of how I dealt with strong emotions and feelings. Despite this I worked hard to make my wife happy. I went to the school and worked and she worked full time. Although I loved her and she was wonderful, I often felt pangs of loneliness and unworthiness that overwhelmed me. I didn’t understand what was happening. Only the thought of my wife and my family kept me going. I hid this from her and everyone else.

After my first daughter was born a year later I felt improved. I began to exercise regularly at the university, swimming mostly. I found myself looking at the other men dressing and some how found that it relieved my stress temporarily. I never let on to anyone that I was watching nor did I do anything to try to meet men. However it feed some fantasies into my mind that on one hand was unwanted but on the other hand relieved pain. I seemed to have an obsession on this activity for the next year. Also during this time I was commuting 50 miles working the night shift at a hospital lab. I was alone a lot. I would occasionally masturbate in the car. This was not an exhibitionist activity because I never wanted anyone to see me but another facet of the activity.

After graduation, we moved to another location away from the university and that stopped. But I continued to masturbate regularly I’m sure although I don’t remember that aspect of my life as well. Again no one knew my secret feelings but the inferiority and feeling of worthlessness continued. I tried many times to stop over these years but seemed to not be able to.

I entered medical school and the military and we moved to another state. It was a great start to a new experience. I seemed to go through periods where I was adjusted to the feelings. We made friends quickly in our new circumstances. Somehow I found the number to a same gender pornographic phone line. I don’t remember where. It required payment by a credit card to use and so I never talked with anyone on the line except for one time when it went through and I quickly hung up not knowing what to say – it was on a pay phone. But for some reason I called it over and over again compulsively for several months despite only the one time actually talking with anyone. When I tried to study at school my thought would often race about same gender sex and I would masturbate to relieve the stress.

During my second year I found a bookstore not far away that sold adult magazines. I would occasionally leave and go there. I never bought any magazines but would look at the covers and thumb through them. There were also adult videos to buy or rent and I would look at the covers. I did buy one once but mostly just looked at the covers in the store. This filled my mind again and just seemed to feed the problem.

During this time I would stop periodically. Although I did these things I remember my home life being very happy with my wife and the children. My son was born during this time period. It was as if I was leading 2 different lives. I shielded her from this desperately and could not think of hurting her. Embarrassment, pride, and fear that she would leave me kept me from getting the proper help I needed. I continued in a cycle of addiction and remorse. Strangely I held things together and these activities were just another part of my life.

During my third year of medical school I started my hospital clerkships. I would occasionally go to the restroom at one of the hospitals and would masturbate. I soon discovered that other people went there to for the same reason. At first, I would leave if I knew someone was there. But slowly I became enticed. Over the next 2 years I would have multiple encounters there with mutual masturbation, touching each other in the genital area, and eventual but only rarely oral sex. I never knew any of these people. I never saw nor talked with any of them outside of this setting. I never developed a relationship with anyone nor ever knew their names. It was purely for selfish gratification.

My home life continued to be wonderful. I struggled to be happy but knew I couldn’t be fully. I provided a happy home environment despite these terrible things I was doing. I remained active in the Church and never lost nor doubted my testimony.

I believed, by this time, that Heavenly Father couldn't possibly love me and despite church callings and activity I lost my ability to pray meaningfully.

When we moved to another state in 1991 I started residency. The stress in my life severely worsened. I found an adult video store close to the military base and would visit it frequently when I was able. It seemed to relieve the stress. I had many dark, remorseful, and hopeless feelings during those years. I was apart from my family so much and dealt with these problems alone on top of the stresses of medical residency. I was working often between 90 to 110 hours a week. I often felt I couldn't go on. Occasionally I would see a patient and tell myself I would resign afterwards. On one occasion I remember standing on the 9th floor of the hospital at 4:00 AM and looked out the window and saw my car in the parking lot. I thought of leaving and driving as far away as I could. Suicide or dieing in a motor vehicle accident was not far from my mind. It’s difficult to understand why these feelings didn’t stop me but it just kept me in the cycle. I was utterly powerless.

In the video store I could watch videos in booths for a short period of time. Mostly I masturbated and watched other do the same things. Through those years that was what occurred mostly. On a few occasions if I was there at night, a few people approached me to go to their car. We never spoke but would masturbate together and again on rare occasion had oral sex. Never did I have a relationship beyond that.

There was a rest room elsewhere I also found that similar activities occurred in as before. While there if a stranger came in and I could tell he was there for the same reason, we would masturbate together, touch each other, and again have oral sex. I was on a deep path of destruction but some how couldn’t quit for any length of time.

I finished my medical training and we moved to yet another state in 1996. I wanted to make a new start. I felt if I could just stop eventually I would make things right. The secrecy was eating at me but the carnality and curiosity kept me from doing the right things. There our family was greatly needed in the ward. We served diligently and seem to have a great impact in many lives.

While there I got involved again in pornography. During lunch hours and other times I would go to the video stores and spent hours watching gay pornography. Only rarely did I view magazines. It mostly consisted of watching videos there. I continued to have encounters as previously in the booths. There were a few other encounters as well on a dark deserted beach or at a park. Again, never did I know any of these people nor did I develop a relationship with any of them.

I tried to stop my deplorable actions by myself. I wanted desperately to be clean and to just have this taken from my life. I sensed that because of my profession and background people seemed to look up to me. How could I possibly let anyone see me for who I was? I kept telling myself that there was no hope for me anyway and that if I could some how get my family and my friends to the celestial kingdom without anyone knowing I would not have to hurt anyone. This is the lie that I continued to perpetuate but somehow believed. To survive I kept telling myself that tomorrow would be better and my feelings would change if I just held on.

I was one time questioned by military police concerning my behavior in a steam room. I tried to make contact with someone who reported me. It lead to nothing but it frightened me beyond belief. For days I couldn’t sleep or eat. I became quite despondent but continued to work and try to keep my life together. The pain of that incident gradually subsided and then I fell back into the same patterns. We were again reassigned and moved several months later. I was relieved to leave.

During business trips through the years I would seek pornography out and go the video theater and store. I also had same sex encounters during those times as well. I would also find bathhouses and gay bars. I frequented those as often as I could. On some conference weeks I would either be in meetings or at these places. On one occasion I remember barely eating anything during the week so my money could be spent on these activities without making my wife suspicious as to where the money was spent. I lost 8 pounds that week. I also rarely slept as I would be in these places through the night. The adrenaline and high that these activities gave me kept me going without food or sleep.

It was 1999 now and I continued to have problems with masturbation. I would go to the adult video store and fill my mind with pornography. There in the theater I had encounters with masturbation, mutual masturbation, and oral sex. I even had anal sex on a few occasions when the circumstances enabled this.

I then started on the internet. Even though there were filters in place I could still find enough pornography. This was yet another avenue and facet to my addiction. It was at this time that my wife found out that I was viewing pornography on the internet. I initially denied it but then told her everything I had been doing. I came forward and was disfellowshipped for 5 ½ years. I worked with a therapist with some success although I struggled tremendously. I began to understand I wasn’t alone and some of the things that drove me to the behaviors. I was able to control much of what previously had been uncontrollable. But it took a toll on my marriage. New feelings of inadequacy have been there and difficult to deal with through the years.

I didn’t have any encounters but masturbation gradually crept back into my life. I didn’t view pornography but I found a phone number to a gay phone line. I used to call it and talk to people on the line but did not meet up with anyone and struggled to keep clean. I didn’t feel I had yet mastered the coping skills.

I retired from the military and we moved back to the same state where I grew up. I kept clean although I masturbated very frequently. I again found the phone line and it became a compulsive habit

Fear and Spirituality

"We have not been given the spirit of fear, but of faith". Why is it that fear is such a driving force in our lives--it is only in our minds. What do we really need to fear in this life? Fear is something that is in the core of all of us, it is part of the human experience, for overcoming fear is part of the test.

After meeting with a client yesterday, I was left reflecting on what the purpose of her extreme trauma. I thought, "I know there is a reason for this, I know there is a reason we all go through pain". At times it is very difficult to figure out what the purpose is and it can be even more difficult to gain insight into how the pain can actually help us.

My mind has been contemplating pain for some time now, well before this session with this client yesterday, but this session become a catalyst to my thought. It was reaffirmed to me, my understanding if what happened to us in the pre-mortal realms. One third of our brothers and sisters followed the adversaries plan of compulsion, but why? As I searched out the reasons for this, I found that many writers on the subject feel that pride was the reason. They didn't follow the plan because they felt there was a better way, and that all who followed Christ were wrong. I believe that it was far more complex than this, because I have found that at the root of pride, one can always find pain--and the core of pain is fear. Thus, these individuals who didn't follow Christ were scared to come down to Earth. They wanted the quick and painless way to salvation and exaltation--they wanted Satan's plan.

Through this line of thought, I also came to a greater understanding of the purpose of this life. When we chose to come to this life, we were told that it would be very difficult, painful and full of some of the most traumatic experiences imaginable--but it was the only way that we would understand as God understands--the only path to eternal insight is to understand and experience the depths of hell. Though we would feel these depths, we were also commanded to have joy in this life, and that is truly a test--to have joy, when can be difficult to find a reason for it.

In this life, we are living the mortal experience. We came to this Earth to obtain a tabernacle of clay, but why? So that we may feel fear and pain, but also to obtain the greatest level of joy and understanding. We had to come down and take on flesh because we would not know the depths of temptation and sin without our bodies. Our bodies drive us to sin, which we must resist--our spirits would not have had this experience without our body. We also needed to experience death and fear, more particularly, the fear of death. Our spirit bodies couldn't experience this depth of fear, because there was no death before this life. As with overcoming sin--which sin our bodies want--we need to learn to overcome fear to become more celestial.

So what is one of the purposes of this life? Gain understanding and have joy. We can live in Celestial realms right now. It is all about our perception--Earth can be hell or it can be eternal bliss--what do you choose?

THREE LETTERS THAT LEAD TO PERSONAL PEACE

This insight into DBT was written by my client T.G.:

There are three letters that stand as initials to three words that can bring personal peace to those who struggle with managing their emotions, dealing with crisis and turmoil, unhealthy personal relationships and being able to live in the moment rather than the past or future. Those three letters are DBT. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy, an extension of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) that adds validation and dialectics and includes Zen/Buddhist practices such as meditation and mindfulness.

I began learning DBT skills through an online Yahoo group and quickly saw a difference in my ability to regulate my emotions. In November 2011, Jade started a DBT Skills Group led by AAIM Counseling intern, Danielle Schneider. Participating in this group has enhanced my comprehension and application of DBT skills and has given me the chance to help other people who struggle with similar issues.

HAVING A LIFE WORTH LIVING
One of the first steps in learning and applying DBT skills is to determine what changes we would need to see in our lives that would constitute a life worth living. For me, having a life worth living meant:
• Having more stable emotions, not so much up and down
• Not needing external validation
• Not caring if someone else "gets" my private experiences
• Not wondering what others think and not worrying if they have misinformation about me
• Taking the time to self sooth rather than doing useless or harmful behaviors or obsessing to pass the time
• Believing that my success is valid, not an accident.
• No longer thinking I am damaged for life or that I'm faking
• Believing that I am a good person.

I am not going to spend a lot of time giving you background on DBT. I think it would be much more interesting and valuable for you if I share my personal experience and how I’m doing with achieving a life worth living. However, here are some basics.

WHAT IS DBT
DBT was developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. in the late 1970s as she approached treating individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) using traditional CBT. However, that approach did not work because it disregarded some key features of people with BPD. You can read more about that here: http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm

It’s quite interesting to note that in June 2011, Dr. Linehan, revealed her own struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html?_r=2&emc=eta1,

The AAIM Counseling DBT Skills Group Pre-lesson One outlines the basic goals of DBT Skills Training with the overall objective being to learn and refine skills in changing behavioral, emotional and thinking patterns associated with problems in living, those causing misery and distress. Specifically, the behaviors DBT strives to decrease are:
1. Interpersonal chaos
2. Labile emotions, moods
3. Impulsiveness
4. Confusion about self, cognitive dysregulation

 
Behaviors DBT strives to increase are:
1. Interpersonal Effectiveness skills
2. Emotion regulation skills
3. Distress tolerance skills
4. Core Mindfulness skills

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
I can tell you that after six months of DBT (and only two months “live”) these goals have come to fruition and my life is worth living. Following is a list of 26 statements that highlight my DBT experience and resulting transformation:

1. I’ve learned that I am not the person I was always afraid I was.
2. I’ve learned that I’m not being abandoned.
3. I’ve learned that there are things I can do to calm my emotions and that emotional dysregulation does not have to be my norm.
4. I've learned that my feelings are usually not a good indicator of reality.
5. I’ve learned that I have value and worth.
6. I’ve started taking in the good.
7. I've noticed that sometimes I'm unwilling to give up the pain and to use my skills because I feel like I have to hold on to the pain until it's recognized.
8. I now see the woman that Jade and his associate, Mindy, said I am and I believe it.
9. I see that what I can give to others is valuable and important.
10. I have the experience that I'm okay and I am a person you would want in your life.
11. I know on a very deep level that I am loved.
12. I have been heard for the pain and hurt that was over looked when I was young. My feelings have been validated.
13. There is now peace for the tiny, insignificant, silently screaming little girl and adolescent inside of me.
14. I have reconciled the guilt and embarrassment for poor decisions resulting from childhood trauma.
15. I am no longer confused about what happened to me.
16. I know longer have shame and I have let go of self-blame.
17. My past no longer hurts or haunts me. I have dealt with it and it no longer has a hold on me.
18. I no longer look at boundaries personally. They are what they are.
19. I have emotional peace—most of the time.
20. I have healed what could be healed; I have mourned what could only be mourned and I have moved on.
21. I can safely express what I want even if I can't have it.
22. I continue to learn healthy boundaries and now I feel caring within them.
23. I know how to be myself and I no longer push others away.
24. I contribute and I am whole
25. I am loveable and deserve to have more than just the crumbs.
26. I can have real, reciprocal, healthy relationships with people that possess the qualities that I seek.

Marsha Linehan says, “The gap between knowledge and behavior determines the degree of victory.” There is hope. However, in order to see change, we must change our behavior and we need tools to accomplish that. You can start learning on your own at www.DBTSelfHelp.com and stay-tuned for the next AAIM Counseling DBT Skills Group starting : ________________.

References:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/dbtclass/
AAIM Counseling DBT Skills Group Pre-lesson One
David Burns, M.D., Adapted from “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy”
Skills Training Manual page 107

David Burn's List of Thinking Errors

The Ten Basic thinking errors
As conceived by Dr. David Burns

1. All or Nothing Thinking: Here, you look at things in black-and-white ways. Situations and people are perceived in absolute terms. Common phrases are, “I’m a total loser,” “Nothing is going right,” “All hope is lost,” “I’ll never get what I want.”

2. Overgeneralization: You view a single negative event as part of an ongoing pattern of defeat. You might say or think things like, “This (bad event) just proves how bad my life is.”

3. Mental Filter: When using this kind of distorted thinking, you dwell on the negative and ignore the positives. You may know that you have 20 good things happening, but the one defeat is all you focus on.

4. Discounting the Positive: You insist that your positive qualities or accomplishments don’t count. For instance, when someone pays you a compliment about your appearance and you downplay it or make excuses.

5. Jumping to Conclusions: You assume the worst, even if there is no evidence to support your assumption. There are two types of jumping to conclusions:
a. Mind-Reading: You believe people are reacting negatively to you.
b. Fortune-telling: You believe situations will end badly.

6. Magnification or Minimization: Magnification, or catastrophizing, happens when you blow things out of proportion. You might tell yourself things like, “This is the worst thing that could happen!” On the other hand, minimization happens when you minimize the importance of things. For example, “It was just an A on the test; someone else still did better than me.”

7. Emotional Reasoning: You believe your feelings are reality. For instance, “I feel like an idiot” so you tell yourself you really are one.

8. Should statements: These critical statements are used against ourselves and others to tell us we should, must, ought-to and have-to do certain things.

9. Labeling: You label yourself or others with an unflattering name out of anger or frustration. We label ourselves or others “jerks,” “losers,” “idiots,” and so forth.

10. Blame: Here you blame yourself for something that wasn’t entirely your fault, or you blame others and overlook your contribution to the problem