All over the news we have heard of the recent sex abuse scandal at Penn State. There have also been recent allegations of sex abuse at Utah State. The schools struggle to restore the integrity of their school and athletic programs.
If you would have asked me 3 months ago what I thought about the Penn State incident, I would have thought about the football program. But, today, my answer would be so different. Why the change of heart?
I grew up in a loving LDS home. I was one of 7 children and I always believed that my childhood was PERFECT! I married young and had 4 beautiful children and truly believed that I was living the dream. I was trying to live a PERFECT life. We all know that life is not perfect, but I was going to do everything in my power to achieve it. Slowly my life became very overwhelming because I could not live up to my standards.
Thru the loving guidance of my LDS Bishop, I was referred to LDS Family Services where I met Jade.
I had been to a therapist before and she gave me ideas to help me handle the stress and sent me on my way. After my first visit with Jade he gave me homework and told me he would see me in a couple of weeks. I started with Healing the Child Within, pretty simple for a person that had such an awesome childhood right?
One Sunday after meeting with the Bishop to follow up with my homework, I still struggled with what I was to be learning. So, I prayed for answers. Nothing could have prepared me for the answer that I was about to receive. As I sat on my bed, memories of abuse at the hands of my brother came flooding into my mind. How could this be happening? Why was this happening? What happened to my perfect life?
I tell you this because after hearing about the situations at both Universities, all I could think of is how brave those victims were to come forward. So many times the victim becomes the one that gets put on trial. I can tell you from personal experience, those victims thought about every possible scenario that could be thrown at them. They questioned their own character and judgment; they didn’t need the press to do it for them.
I asked Jade to post this on his blog because this is all so new to me. I am still going thru all of the possible scenarios and have not told anyone in my family. I have started using EMDR to help process my memories. I wish I could tell you that it is the best thing I have ever done, and maybe when I am done, I can say that. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. Jade once told me to “Believe in the process!”
If you find yourself in an abusive situation, please find someone you trust and find the courage to get the help that you deserve. Trust is something that comes very difficult to someone that has been abused. “Believe in the process!”
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Letter to Weakness
I have asked a few of my clients if they would be willing to post their stories and other writing they thought would be helpful to other individuals. The following is a copy of M.D.'s "letter to my enemy":
To my countless enemies – Satan and your fellow demons,
You entered into my life just as I became a teenager, taking advantage of my naive nature, tense upbringing, and uncommunicative family. You provided a numbing release that at first seemed harmless and natural. As the weeks turned into years and my childhood passed by, you always stuck around. Many times you weren’t openly aggressive in your tactics, and many times I even thought I had already defeated you just as you undoubtedly wanted me to believe. Yet eventually I always silently slipped back into your grasp. I was often able to resist you for periods time – such as before and after priesthood ordinations, my brother's death, and entering college - yet you always found a way of forcing your way back into my thoughts and actions. Through it all, you always were there – a manufactured way of letting go of my persistent anxieties and promenaded expectations and feeling what I mistakenly thought was a dependable pleasure and release.
Yet ultimately, you have only provided a stinging sorrow instead of pleasure and imprisonment rather than release. If you were supposedly “helping me” in some distorted way, why do I now see you have only caused me emotional and spiritual grief? Through consistent relapses, you continually have gashed away at my self-esteem, making me feel completely disconnected and isolated from others, even those who I love and desperately have wanted to trust. Rather than turning to others for help, I gradually emotionally detached myself from those who mattered most. You turned me into a hypocrite and a liar, teaching me to conceal my problems from others and to put on the mask that everything is perfect and under control. You impaired my relationship with the Lord, and filled that hole inside me where the Spirit should have been with a harrowing emptiness that often made me afraid to simply be alone and think for too long. I’d try filling that void with worldly things such as music or school, yet the despair always reared its head. You contorted and twisted my self-image to a point where I hardly recognized who I was anymore, acting completely contrary to the gospel-oriented life and goals I’ve wanted my entire life. Too many times I have felt like the elephant in the sacrament meeting, the sinner among my friends, and the deceiver within my family. Every time I’d been cheerfully and harmlessly asked why I had not left on my mission yet, I would either want to throw up or just blatantly walk away and skip the rest of church. And now as I progress into adulthood, you have restricted me from continuing on with the only things I want in my life. I couldn’t continue to walk down the halls of BYU knowing you’re still in control of me and that someone else should deserve my place if I can’t live the established high standards, I couldn’t serve a mission because of the amassed crippling shame you had singed into my identity, and I couldn’t even begin to think of being married in the temple with the way you crippled my relationships with others I care for. After seeing my own parent’s marriage crumble before me, all I want in my marriage is to be honest to my wife and the Lord, and with you that simply won’t happen.
But now I declare unto you, Satan and all others who are pitted against my salvation, NO MORE. The satisfaction you seemingly have in destroying and enslaving my life at first makes me furious, but then I realize how sad and pathetic I feel for you, because the one thing you and your countless followers have wanted and have fought for so desperately – to destroy my relationship with our Heavenly Father – ultimately is what will strengthen my relationship with Him to the point when I am one day ready to return to His loving arms, confident with the disciple and saint I have become. I’ve lost to you so many times, yet those lost battles will only make my success in overcoming you that much more sweet and empowering. By tying me down with this addiction, you have forced me to become dependent on my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ, preparing me to become a humble and worthy Priesthood Holder, Missionary, Husband, and Father.
It is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ that I will completely overcome you. I have learned the hard way that I am not strong enough to defeat you on my own. That road has only led me deeper into your web of lies and deciet. Yet I will continually draw upon the power and love offered through Christ’s great Atoning Sacrifice, something you cannot defend against and I know is always extended to me if I will only humble myself to ask for it. You are powerless to the infinite effect of the Atonement and the Priesthood, and as I continue to get off my high horse of pride and get to work in living a Christ-centered life, you will have no power to influence my decisions or what stays in my mind. I will continue to educate myself on both your inaudible tactics in order to fortify myself, and, more importantly, on the tools provided by my God that I may use to expel you from all aspects of my life. You’ve had your run, but in the end you will only provide me with more spiritual endurance and acuity than I could have developed otherwise. Leaning on the power and support of my family, friends, fellow Sons of Helaman brothers, and most importantly on Christ, I will eradicate all the doubt and fear you have insinuated within my mind, and filling it’s void will be the love and confidence offered from Christ and His Atonement. I now fight not only for me, but for my future wife and children. Together we will live a happy, spiritual, and probably a difficult life, knowing how much you hate and will fight against my decisions, and through the ordinances of the gospel we will be worthily united and one day enter together into the Kingdom of our Father, sealed for eternity and redeemed through my Brother, Savior, and Redeemer – Jesus Christ. I will never give up or allow you to once again inflict the fear, doubt, and devastation you are so quick to deal.
So go ahead Satan, try your hardest. Rally your troops and amass all hell against me. Because I now fight with the full armor of God, and will always stand victorious as I fight alongside my Savior.
To my countless enemies – Satan and your fellow demons,
You entered into my life just as I became a teenager, taking advantage of my naive nature, tense upbringing, and uncommunicative family. You provided a numbing release that at first seemed harmless and natural. As the weeks turned into years and my childhood passed by, you always stuck around. Many times you weren’t openly aggressive in your tactics, and many times I even thought I had already defeated you just as you undoubtedly wanted me to believe. Yet eventually I always silently slipped back into your grasp. I was often able to resist you for periods time – such as before and after priesthood ordinations, my brother's death, and entering college - yet you always found a way of forcing your way back into my thoughts and actions. Through it all, you always were there – a manufactured way of letting go of my persistent anxieties and promenaded expectations and feeling what I mistakenly thought was a dependable pleasure and release.
Yet ultimately, you have only provided a stinging sorrow instead of pleasure and imprisonment rather than release. If you were supposedly “helping me” in some distorted way, why do I now see you have only caused me emotional and spiritual grief? Through consistent relapses, you continually have gashed away at my self-esteem, making me feel completely disconnected and isolated from others, even those who I love and desperately have wanted to trust. Rather than turning to others for help, I gradually emotionally detached myself from those who mattered most. You turned me into a hypocrite and a liar, teaching me to conceal my problems from others and to put on the mask that everything is perfect and under control. You impaired my relationship with the Lord, and filled that hole inside me where the Spirit should have been with a harrowing emptiness that often made me afraid to simply be alone and think for too long. I’d try filling that void with worldly things such as music or school, yet the despair always reared its head. You contorted and twisted my self-image to a point where I hardly recognized who I was anymore, acting completely contrary to the gospel-oriented life and goals I’ve wanted my entire life. Too many times I have felt like the elephant in the sacrament meeting, the sinner among my friends, and the deceiver within my family. Every time I’d been cheerfully and harmlessly asked why I had not left on my mission yet, I would either want to throw up or just blatantly walk away and skip the rest of church. And now as I progress into adulthood, you have restricted me from continuing on with the only things I want in my life. I couldn’t continue to walk down the halls of BYU knowing you’re still in control of me and that someone else should deserve my place if I can’t live the established high standards, I couldn’t serve a mission because of the amassed crippling shame you had singed into my identity, and I couldn’t even begin to think of being married in the temple with the way you crippled my relationships with others I care for. After seeing my own parent’s marriage crumble before me, all I want in my marriage is to be honest to my wife and the Lord, and with you that simply won’t happen.
But now I declare unto you, Satan and all others who are pitted against my salvation, NO MORE. The satisfaction you seemingly have in destroying and enslaving my life at first makes me furious, but then I realize how sad and pathetic I feel for you, because the one thing you and your countless followers have wanted and have fought for so desperately – to destroy my relationship with our Heavenly Father – ultimately is what will strengthen my relationship with Him to the point when I am one day ready to return to His loving arms, confident with the disciple and saint I have become. I’ve lost to you so many times, yet those lost battles will only make my success in overcoming you that much more sweet and empowering. By tying me down with this addiction, you have forced me to become dependent on my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ, preparing me to become a humble and worthy Priesthood Holder, Missionary, Husband, and Father.
It is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ that I will completely overcome you. I have learned the hard way that I am not strong enough to defeat you on my own. That road has only led me deeper into your web of lies and deciet. Yet I will continually draw upon the power and love offered through Christ’s great Atoning Sacrifice, something you cannot defend against and I know is always extended to me if I will only humble myself to ask for it. You are powerless to the infinite effect of the Atonement and the Priesthood, and as I continue to get off my high horse of pride and get to work in living a Christ-centered life, you will have no power to influence my decisions or what stays in my mind. I will continue to educate myself on both your inaudible tactics in order to fortify myself, and, more importantly, on the tools provided by my God that I may use to expel you from all aspects of my life. You’ve had your run, but in the end you will only provide me with more spiritual endurance and acuity than I could have developed otherwise. Leaning on the power and support of my family, friends, fellow Sons of Helaman brothers, and most importantly on Christ, I will eradicate all the doubt and fear you have insinuated within my mind, and filling it’s void will be the love and confidence offered from Christ and His Atonement. I now fight not only for me, but for my future wife and children. Together we will live a happy, spiritual, and probably a difficult life, knowing how much you hate and will fight against my decisions, and through the ordinances of the gospel we will be worthily united and one day enter together into the Kingdom of our Father, sealed for eternity and redeemed through my Brother, Savior, and Redeemer – Jesus Christ. I will never give up or allow you to once again inflict the fear, doubt, and devastation you are so quick to deal.
So go ahead Satan, try your hardest. Rally your troops and amass all hell against me. Because I now fight with the full armor of God, and will always stand victorious as I fight alongside my Savior.
Stress and Family During the Holidays
The holidays can be a difficult time for most people. Many individuals feel depressed and stressed during this season, and often people identify their families as being a major source of stress surrounding the holidays. Here are some ideas help with the stress of the holidays and handle potential conflicts that may arise.
1. Don't be surprised if some conflict arises. If it is typical that arguments occur in your family, expect it to happen again! Prepare yourself by practicing or re-reading the four agreements (see post dated November 11th: "Are you living the four agreements). These agreements will help you handle your father's criticism, your mother's passive aggressive statements and your brother's dirty jokes!
2. Rotate which families you will visit. If you and your spouse both want to celebrate with your extended family, or their is a divorce situation to consider where not everybody wants to celebrate together or if you just have a lot of family, it can be aggravating to decide who to see, and when. Taking turns is an easy solution. Celebrate Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with another.
3. If your family is going to cause you too much unnecessary stress, it is okay to turn down invitations to participate. It is reasonable to say, "We've decided to spend this year with our kids and keep the holiday simple, but thanks for the invite!"
4. Make sure that you spend some time with friends. Talking about your stress to a safe person you can confide can help immensely!
Good luck!
1. Don't be surprised if some conflict arises. If it is typical that arguments occur in your family, expect it to happen again! Prepare yourself by practicing or re-reading the four agreements (see post dated November 11th: "Are you living the four agreements). These agreements will help you handle your father's criticism, your mother's passive aggressive statements and your brother's dirty jokes!
2. Rotate which families you will visit. If you and your spouse both want to celebrate with your extended family, or their is a divorce situation to consider where not everybody wants to celebrate together or if you just have a lot of family, it can be aggravating to decide who to see, and when. Taking turns is an easy solution. Celebrate Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with another.
3. If your family is going to cause you too much unnecessary stress, it is okay to turn down invitations to participate. It is reasonable to say, "We've decided to spend this year with our kids and keep the holiday simple, but thanks for the invite!"
4. Make sure that you spend some time with friends. Talking about your stress to a safe person you can confide can help immensely!
Good luck!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
EMDR: a New Service offered through AAIM Counseling
Just recently we started to offer EMDR at my clinic to help with anxiety and trauma. Many clients have asked me what EMDR is and how it can help. The following is an explaination of EMDR, the history and how it can help:
What Is EMDR?
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR, is a powerful new psychotherapy technique which has been very successful in helping people who suffer from trauma, anxiety, panic, disturbing memories, post traumatic stress and many other emotional problems. Until recently, these conditions were difficult and time-consuming to treat. EMDR is considered a breakthrough therapy because of its simplicity and the fact that it can bring quick and lasting relief for most types of emotional distress.
EMDR is the most effective and rapid method for healing PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as shown by extensive scientific research studies.
The EMDR therapy uses bilateral stimulation, right/left eye movement, or tactile stimulation, which repeatly activates the opposite sides of the brain, releasing emotional experiences that are "trapped" in the nervous system. This assists the neurophysiological system, the basis of the mind/body connection, to free itself of blockages and reconnect itself.
As troubling images and feelings are processed by the brain via the eye-movement patterns of EMDR, resolution of the issues and a more peaceful state are achieved.
How Does It Work?
The therapist works gently with the client and asks him/her to revisit the traumatic moment or incident, recalling feelings surrounding the experience, as well as any negative thoughts, feelings and memories. The therapist then holds her fingers about eighteen inches from the clients face and begins to move them back and forth like a windshield wiper. The client tracks the movements as if watching ping pong. The more intensely the client focuses on the memory, the easier it becomes for the memory to come to life. As quick and vibrant images arise during the therapy session, they are processed by the eye movements, resulting in painful feelings being exchanged for more peaceful, loving and resolved feelings.
What problems are helped by EMDR?
The studies to date show a high degree of effectiveness with the following conditions:
loss of a loved one
injury of a loved one
car accident
fire
work accident
assault
robbery
rape
natural disaster
injury
illness
witness to violence
childhood abuse
victims of violent crimes
performance and test anxiety
trauma depression
anxiety or panic
phobias
fears
childhood trauma
physical abuse
sexual abuse
post traumatic stress
bad temper
overwhelming fears
panic attacks
low self-esteem
relationship problems
brooding or worrying
trouble sleeping
The EMDR technique is most effective when used in conjunction with other traditional methods of therapy in treating these and many other emotional disorders.
EMDR therapy can help clients replace their anxiety and fear with positive images, emotions and thoughts.
What are the Symptoms that can be helped by EMDR?
High anxiety and lack of motivation
Depression
Memories of a traumatic experience
Fear of being alone
Unrealistic feelings of guilt and shame
Fear of being alone
Difficulty in trusting others
Relationship problems
What is the History of EMDR?
Since the initial medical study in 1989 positive therapeutic results with EMDR have been reported with the following populations:
People who have witnessed or been a victim to a disaster (rape, accidents, earth quakes, fires, murder, gang related violence)
Clients suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)
Suffers of panic disorders and anxiety attacks
Suffers of phobias
Chemically dependent clients
Persons exposed to excess loss ( loss by death, divorce, loss of a house by fire)
Crime victims and police officers who were once overcome with violent memories
Accident or burn victims
Although a fairly new therapeutic technique, EMDR is meeting with much success all across the county. EMDR is a natural process. The client and the therapist become partners on a journey to help move traumatic and blocked energy. Together they work to transcend and free up the energy, so the client can return to their natural grounded state of being. The goal of this work is to help the client heal, so they can return to their life in peace.
How do I know if EMDR is right for me?
There are a number factors to consider when evaluating the appropriateness of EMDR therapy for a client's particular situation and history. During your initial consultation with a trained EMDR therapist, all the relevant factors will be discussed in full to help you both come to a decision to move forward with EMDR.
What Is EMDR?
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR, is a powerful new psychotherapy technique which has been very successful in helping people who suffer from trauma, anxiety, panic, disturbing memories, post traumatic stress and many other emotional problems. Until recently, these conditions were difficult and time-consuming to treat. EMDR is considered a breakthrough therapy because of its simplicity and the fact that it can bring quick and lasting relief for most types of emotional distress.
EMDR is the most effective and rapid method for healing PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as shown by extensive scientific research studies.
The EMDR therapy uses bilateral stimulation, right/left eye movement, or tactile stimulation, which repeatly activates the opposite sides of the brain, releasing emotional experiences that are "trapped" in the nervous system. This assists the neurophysiological system, the basis of the mind/body connection, to free itself of blockages and reconnect itself.
As troubling images and feelings are processed by the brain via the eye-movement patterns of EMDR, resolution of the issues and a more peaceful state are achieved.
How Does It Work?
The therapist works gently with the client and asks him/her to revisit the traumatic moment or incident, recalling feelings surrounding the experience, as well as any negative thoughts, feelings and memories. The therapist then holds her fingers about eighteen inches from the clients face and begins to move them back and forth like a windshield wiper. The client tracks the movements as if watching ping pong. The more intensely the client focuses on the memory, the easier it becomes for the memory to come to life. As quick and vibrant images arise during the therapy session, they are processed by the eye movements, resulting in painful feelings being exchanged for more peaceful, loving and resolved feelings.
What problems are helped by EMDR?
The studies to date show a high degree of effectiveness with the following conditions:
loss of a loved one
injury of a loved one
car accident
fire
work accident
assault
robbery
rape
natural disaster
injury
illness
witness to violence
childhood abuse
victims of violent crimes
performance and test anxiety
trauma depression
anxiety or panic
phobias
fears
childhood trauma
physical abuse
sexual abuse
post traumatic stress
bad temper
overwhelming fears
panic attacks
low self-esteem
relationship problems
brooding or worrying
trouble sleeping
The EMDR technique is most effective when used in conjunction with other traditional methods of therapy in treating these and many other emotional disorders.
EMDR therapy can help clients replace their anxiety and fear with positive images, emotions and thoughts.
What are the Symptoms that can be helped by EMDR?
High anxiety and lack of motivation
Depression
Memories of a traumatic experience
Fear of being alone
Unrealistic feelings of guilt and shame
Fear of being alone
Difficulty in trusting others
Relationship problems
What is the History of EMDR?
Since the initial medical study in 1989 positive therapeutic results with EMDR have been reported with the following populations:
People who have witnessed or been a victim to a disaster (rape, accidents, earth quakes, fires, murder, gang related violence)
Clients suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)
Suffers of panic disorders and anxiety attacks
Suffers of phobias
Chemically dependent clients
Persons exposed to excess loss ( loss by death, divorce, loss of a house by fire)
Crime victims and police officers who were once overcome with violent memories
Accident or burn victims
Although a fairly new therapeutic technique, EMDR is meeting with much success all across the county. EMDR is a natural process. The client and the therapist become partners on a journey to help move traumatic and blocked energy. Together they work to transcend and free up the energy, so the client can return to their natural grounded state of being. The goal of this work is to help the client heal, so they can return to their life in peace.
How do I know if EMDR is right for me?
There are a number factors to consider when evaluating the appropriateness of EMDR therapy for a client's particular situation and history. During your initial consultation with a trained EMDR therapist, all the relevant factors will be discussed in full to help you both come to a decision to move forward with EMDR.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Are You Living by The Four Agreements?
What are the agreements you are living by? One of my favorite books is a little book named “The Four Agreements,” by Don Miguel Ruiz. The book talks about the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. This little book (only 138 pages) offers a powerful code of conduct that can transform our lives. It is not a religion. As with anything you read, you may not agree in total, but if nothing else, it is definitely great food for thought! Agreements #2 (Don’t Take Anything Personally) and #3 (Don’t Make Assumptions) were really eye-opening. They talk about about other people, ourselves, and our relationships with others. The following is an excerpt from the book.
In his book, “The Four Agreements,” Don Miguel Ruiz says…
“There are thousands of agreements you have made with yourself, with other people, with your dream life, with God, with society, with your parents, with your spouse, with your children. But the most important agreements are the ones you made with yourself. In these agreements you tell yourself who you are, what you feel, what you believe, and how to behave. The result is what you call your personality. In these agreements you say, “This is what I am. This is what I believe. I can do certain things, and some things I cannot do. This is reality, that is fantasy; this is possible, that is possible.”
One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that make us suffer, that make us fail in life. If you want to live a life of joy and fulfillment, you have to find the courage to break those agreements that are fear-based and claim your personal power. The agreements that come from fear require us to expend a lot of energy, but the agreements that come from love help us to conserve energy and even gain extra energy.
Each of us is born with a certain amount of personal power that we rebuild every day after we rest. Unfortunately, we spend all our personal power first to create all these agreements and then to keep these agreements. Our personal power is dissipated by all the agreements we have created, and the result is that we feel powerless. We have just enough power to survive each day, because most of it is used to keep the agreements that trap us in the dream of the planet. How can we change the entire dream of our life when we have no power to change even the smallest agreement?
If we can see it is our agreements which rule over our life, and we don’t like the dream of our life, we need to change our agreements. When we are finally ready to change our agreements, there are four very powerful agreements that will help us break those agreements that come from fear and deplete our energy.
Each time you break an agreement, all the power you used to create it returns to you. If you adopt these four new agreements, they will create enough personal power for you to change the entire system of your old agreements.
You need a very strong will in order to adopt the Four Agreements — but if you can begin to live your life with these agreements, the transformation in your life will be amazing. You will see the drama of hell disappear right before your very eyes. Instead of living in a dream of hell, you will be creating a new dream — your personal dream of heaven.
The Four Agreements:
1 – Be Impeccable With Your Word – this is the most important agreement and also the most difficult to one to honor. It is so important that with just this first agreement you will be able to transcend to the level of existence I call heaven on earth.
This agreement sounds very simple, but is very, very powerful. Your word is the power that you have to create. Your word is the gift that comes directly from God. Through the word you express your creative power. It is through the word that you manifest everything. Regardless of what language you speak, your intent manifests through the word. What you dream, what you feel, and what you really are, will all be manifested through the word.
The word is not just a sound or a written symbol. The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life. The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human. But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you. One edge is the misuse of the word, which creates a living hell. The other edge is the impeccability of the word, which will only create beauty, love, and heaven on earth. Depending on how it is used, the word can set you free, or it can enslave you even more than you know.
2 – Don’t Take Anything Personally – Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. If I see you on the street and say, “Hey, you are so stupid,” without knowing you, it’s not about you; it’s about me. If you take it personally, then perhaps you believe you are stupid. Maybe you think to yourself, “How does he know? Is he clairvoyant, or can everybody see how stupid I am?”
You take it personally because you agree with whatever was said. As soon as you agree, the poison goes through you, and you are trapped in the dream of hell. What causes you to be trapped is what we call personal importance. Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about “me.” During the period of our education, or our domestication, we learn to take everything personally. We think we are responsible for everything. Me, me, me, always me!
Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds. Their point of view comes from all the programming they received during domestication.
When you take things personally, then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflicts. You make something big out of something so little, because you have the need to be right and make everybody else wrong. You also try hard to be right by giving them your own opinions. In the same way, whatever you feel and do is just a projection of your own personal dream, a reflection of your own agreements. What you say, what you do, and the opinions you have are according to the agreements you have made — and these opinions have nothing to do with me.
Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think about me is really about me, but it is about them.
You may even tell me, “Miguel, what you are saying is hurting me.” But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself. There is no way I can take this personally. Not because I don’t believe in you or don’t trust you, but because I know that you see the world with different eyes, with your eyes. You create an entire picture or movie in your mind, and in that picture you are the director, you are the producer, you are the main actor or actress. Everyone else is a secondary actor or actress. It is your movie.
The way you see that movie is according to the agreements you have made with life. Your point of view is something personal to you. It is no one’s truth but yours. Then, if you get mad at me, I know you are dealing with yourself. I am the excuse for you to get mad. And you get mad because you are afraid, because you are dealing with fear. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will get mad at me. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will hate me. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will be jealous or sad.
If you live without fear, if you love, there is no place for any of those emotions. If you don’t feel any of those emotions, it is logical that you will feel good. When you feel good, everything around you is good. When everything around you is great, everything makes you happy. You are loving everything around you, because you are loving yourself. Because you like the way you are. Because you are content with you. Because you are happy with your life. You are happy with the movie that you are producing, happy with your agreements with your life. You are at peace, and you are happy.
If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for awhile, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.
3 – Don’t Make Assumptions – We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We could swear they are real. We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking — we take it personally — then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word. That is why whenever we make assumptions, we’re asking for problems. We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing. It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption, because assumptions set us up for suffering.
We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is the biggest assumption that humans make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us, and blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves. That is the way the human mind works. We also make assumptions about ourselves, and this creates a lot of inner conflict.
4 – Always Do Your Best – Under any circumstances, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time, so your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good. When you wake up refreshed and energized in the morning, your best will be better than when you are tired at night. Your best will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick, or sober as opposed to drunk. Your best will depend on whether you are feeling wonderful and happy, or upset, angry, or jealous.
In your everyday moods your best can change from one moment to another, from one hour to the next, from one day to another. Your best will also change over time. As you build the habit of the four new agreements, your best will become better than it used to be.
Doing your best, you are going to live your life intensely. You are going to be productive, you are going to be good to yourself, because you will be giving yourself to your family, to your community, to everything. But it is the action that is going to make you feel intensely happy. When you always do your best, you take action. Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward. Most people do exactly the opposite. They only take action when they expect a reward, and they don’t enjoy the action. And that’s the reason why they don’t do their best.
If you do your best always, over and over again, you will become a master of transformation. If you do your best in the search for personal freedom, in the search for self-love, you will discover that’s its just a matter of time before you find what you are looking for.”
http://lifelessons4u.wordpress.com/2009/06/17/are-you-living-by-the-four-agreements/
Article – Four Agreements http://www.sairegion24.org/fileupload/ditto/14/FourAgreements.pdf
Book Review – The Four Agreements http://www.nderf.org/4AgreementsReview.htm
Book Summary – The Four Agreements http://www.bizsum.com/thefouragreements.htm
In his book, “The Four Agreements,” Don Miguel Ruiz says…
“There are thousands of agreements you have made with yourself, with other people, with your dream life, with God, with society, with your parents, with your spouse, with your children. But the most important agreements are the ones you made with yourself. In these agreements you tell yourself who you are, what you feel, what you believe, and how to behave. The result is what you call your personality. In these agreements you say, “This is what I am. This is what I believe. I can do certain things, and some things I cannot do. This is reality, that is fantasy; this is possible, that is possible.”
One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that make us suffer, that make us fail in life. If you want to live a life of joy and fulfillment, you have to find the courage to break those agreements that are fear-based and claim your personal power. The agreements that come from fear require us to expend a lot of energy, but the agreements that come from love help us to conserve energy and even gain extra energy.
Each of us is born with a certain amount of personal power that we rebuild every day after we rest. Unfortunately, we spend all our personal power first to create all these agreements and then to keep these agreements. Our personal power is dissipated by all the agreements we have created, and the result is that we feel powerless. We have just enough power to survive each day, because most of it is used to keep the agreements that trap us in the dream of the planet. How can we change the entire dream of our life when we have no power to change even the smallest agreement?
If we can see it is our agreements which rule over our life, and we don’t like the dream of our life, we need to change our agreements. When we are finally ready to change our agreements, there are four very powerful agreements that will help us break those agreements that come from fear and deplete our energy.
Each time you break an agreement, all the power you used to create it returns to you. If you adopt these four new agreements, they will create enough personal power for you to change the entire system of your old agreements.
You need a very strong will in order to adopt the Four Agreements — but if you can begin to live your life with these agreements, the transformation in your life will be amazing. You will see the drama of hell disappear right before your very eyes. Instead of living in a dream of hell, you will be creating a new dream — your personal dream of heaven.
The Four Agreements:
1 – Be Impeccable With Your Word – this is the most important agreement and also the most difficult to one to honor. It is so important that with just this first agreement you will be able to transcend to the level of existence I call heaven on earth.
This agreement sounds very simple, but is very, very powerful. Your word is the power that you have to create. Your word is the gift that comes directly from God. Through the word you express your creative power. It is through the word that you manifest everything. Regardless of what language you speak, your intent manifests through the word. What you dream, what you feel, and what you really are, will all be manifested through the word.
The word is not just a sound or a written symbol. The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life. The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human. But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you. One edge is the misuse of the word, which creates a living hell. The other edge is the impeccability of the word, which will only create beauty, love, and heaven on earth. Depending on how it is used, the word can set you free, or it can enslave you even more than you know.
2 – Don’t Take Anything Personally – Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. If I see you on the street and say, “Hey, you are so stupid,” without knowing you, it’s not about you; it’s about me. If you take it personally, then perhaps you believe you are stupid. Maybe you think to yourself, “How does he know? Is he clairvoyant, or can everybody see how stupid I am?”
You take it personally because you agree with whatever was said. As soon as you agree, the poison goes through you, and you are trapped in the dream of hell. What causes you to be trapped is what we call personal importance. Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about “me.” During the period of our education, or our domestication, we learn to take everything personally. We think we are responsible for everything. Me, me, me, always me!
Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds. Their point of view comes from all the programming they received during domestication.
When you take things personally, then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflicts. You make something big out of something so little, because you have the need to be right and make everybody else wrong. You also try hard to be right by giving them your own opinions. In the same way, whatever you feel and do is just a projection of your own personal dream, a reflection of your own agreements. What you say, what you do, and the opinions you have are according to the agreements you have made — and these opinions have nothing to do with me.
Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think about me is really about me, but it is about them.
You may even tell me, “Miguel, what you are saying is hurting me.” But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself. There is no way I can take this personally. Not because I don’t believe in you or don’t trust you, but because I know that you see the world with different eyes, with your eyes. You create an entire picture or movie in your mind, and in that picture you are the director, you are the producer, you are the main actor or actress. Everyone else is a secondary actor or actress. It is your movie.
The way you see that movie is according to the agreements you have made with life. Your point of view is something personal to you. It is no one’s truth but yours. Then, if you get mad at me, I know you are dealing with yourself. I am the excuse for you to get mad. And you get mad because you are afraid, because you are dealing with fear. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will get mad at me. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will hate me. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will be jealous or sad.
If you live without fear, if you love, there is no place for any of those emotions. If you don’t feel any of those emotions, it is logical that you will feel good. When you feel good, everything around you is good. When everything around you is great, everything makes you happy. You are loving everything around you, because you are loving yourself. Because you like the way you are. Because you are content with you. Because you are happy with your life. You are happy with the movie that you are producing, happy with your agreements with your life. You are at peace, and you are happy.
If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for awhile, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.
3 – Don’t Make Assumptions – We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We could swear they are real. We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking — we take it personally — then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word. That is why whenever we make assumptions, we’re asking for problems. We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing. It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption, because assumptions set us up for suffering.
We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is the biggest assumption that humans make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us, and blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves. That is the way the human mind works. We also make assumptions about ourselves, and this creates a lot of inner conflict.
4 – Always Do Your Best – Under any circumstances, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time, so your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good. When you wake up refreshed and energized in the morning, your best will be better than when you are tired at night. Your best will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick, or sober as opposed to drunk. Your best will depend on whether you are feeling wonderful and happy, or upset, angry, or jealous.
In your everyday moods your best can change from one moment to another, from one hour to the next, from one day to another. Your best will also change over time. As you build the habit of the four new agreements, your best will become better than it used to be.
Doing your best, you are going to live your life intensely. You are going to be productive, you are going to be good to yourself, because you will be giving yourself to your family, to your community, to everything. But it is the action that is going to make you feel intensely happy. When you always do your best, you take action. Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward. Most people do exactly the opposite. They only take action when they expect a reward, and they don’t enjoy the action. And that’s the reason why they don’t do their best.
If you do your best always, over and over again, you will become a master of transformation. If you do your best in the search for personal freedom, in the search for self-love, you will discover that’s its just a matter of time before you find what you are looking for.”
http://lifelessons4u.wordpress.com/2009/06/17/are-you-living-by-the-four-agreements/
Article – Four Agreements http://www.sairegion24.org/fileupload/ditto/14/FourAgreements.pdf
Book Review – The Four Agreements http://www.nderf.org/4AgreementsReview.htm
Book Summary – The Four Agreements http://www.bizsum.com/thefouragreements.htm
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