Excerpt from my book "Healing Secrets":
The first step in truly loving yourself is to become familiar with positive affirmations. There is power in intently looking into your eyes in a mirror and saying “I love you… You mean a lot to me… etc.” So often, we do just the opposite. If a person attempts to give himself positive affirmations continuously for two weeks, that person will notice a drastic change in the way he perceives himself and his environment.
When a lawyer asked Jesus, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” he answered, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Matt. 22:36–39.) Notice that Jesus said you are to love your neighbor as yourself. God wants you to love yourself just as much as he wants you to love others. Dr. Clark Swain stated, “If you truly love yourself, you will remember that you are a physical, mental, and spiritual being. Loving yourself as God wants you to means that you use wisdom in protecting your life and conserving your health.”
Loving yourself also means to be grateful for yourself and your abilities, and to be grateful to God. It has been shown in research that attitude of gratitude can significantly increase a lasting sense of well-being. In an experimental comparison, those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who recorded hassles or neutral life events (Emmons & McCullough, 2003). Also, it has been shown that a related benefit of the attitude of gratitude was observed in the realm of personal goal attainment: Participants who kept gratitude lists were more likely to have made progress toward important personal goals (academic, interpersonal and health-based) over a two-month period compared to subjects in the other experimental conditions. Moreover, daily gratitude interventions (self-guided exercises) with young adults resulted in higher reported levels of the positive states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy compared to a focus on hassles or a downward social comparison (ways in which participants thought they were better off than others). There was no difference in levels of unpleasant emotions reported in the three groups. It was also found by Drs. Robert A. Emmons and Michael E. McCullough that in a sample of adults with neuromuscular disease, a 21-day gratitude intervention resulted in greater amounts of high-energy positive moods, a greater sense of feeling connected to others, more optimistic ratings of one’s life, and better sleep duration and sleep quality, relative to a control group.
Forgiveness of self and others
This section is a little longer than the former, because this concept is essential to healing. There are two principles all people need to learn to overcome the shadow identity. These are repenting and forgiving. Repenting is essential, because this action leads to an understanding that we make mistakes, we are not perfect, and that we are “okay.” When we do something wrong, say sorry and make restitution. Asking God for forgiveness is liberating and evokes healthy shame and guilt, which as John Bradshaw states “safeguards the soul” because we will conceptualize that we have limits and boundaries, and truly we are good people who perform badly at times. Again, it is “okay,” we must not be so hard on ourselves. The danger of the shadow identity is that an individual can become dichotomous in thought, action and belief. On one extreme a person may need to be “perfect,” achieving extremely in everything. They also are compelled to show little-to-no emotions, because this is weakness. These people “have to” and “have no choice” in their need to achieve. On the other side of the spectrum of the shadow identity, an individual sees himself as a “no-good sinner” not worthy of “redemption.” Both sides of the spectrum are toxic and can lead to personal destruction.
The Greek word for which the English term “repentance” was derived denotes a change of mind, or in effect, a fresh view about God (Bible Dictionary, p. 760). This idea is truly at odds with the notions of punishment and pain, with which many people associate the term of repentance.
Forgiveness of ourselves is important and forgiveness of others is essential for our healing. Anyone who has ever been victimized—and that includes survivors of crime, accidents, childhood abuse, political imprisonment, warfare, and so on—must decide whether or not to forgive those who made the violation, even if that person is not repentant. There can be no way around this choice: either you decide to forgive the person who hurt you, or you hold on to bitterness and anger until it consumes you. Holding on to bitterness and anger can perpetuate further bitterness and anger. One example I witnessed was an individual who had been molested by a grandfather, who had passed away without ever acknowledging his wrongdoing. The survivor’s anger and desire for revenge became an obsession. She so focused on the crime that she completely missed the opportunity she had been given to learn about real love, forgiveness and letting go. In its place, she seemed to believe that hatred would satisfy her thirst for vengeance and would somehow bring healing. As a result, this individual repeated over and over, “I’ll never forgive.” One of my favorite examples to use with children and adults of a character who didn’t forgive was that of Darth Vader. He was so preoccupied with those who trespassed against him that his hatred and revenge turned him literally into a machine. What a powerful archetype Darth Vader is of vengeance.
To forgive can be a problem for some to conceptualize because it can be a concept that is obscure, especially to our Western perspective, simply because we have been bombarded by the ideas of “getting even” and “mercy is for the weak.” And many times, the concept of forgiveness gets confused with the concept of reconciliation, which is related to forgiveness. Tangentially, reconciliation and restitution are even more closely related than forgiveness and reconciliation, although all three terms are orbital. Restitution “denotes a return of something once present, but has been taken away or lost.” (Bible Dictionary. P. 761) Reconciliation comes from the Latin words re-, meaning “again,” and conciliare, which means “to bring together.”
Again, the difficulty surrounding forgiveness is an understanding of the difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. And in many instances persons who have wronged another do not “own up” to their mistakes, especially when pride is involved, thus restitution does not happen and reconciliation doesn’t take place. And when reconciliation is not present, then what is the victim to do? Most victims don’t realize that forgiveness is a choice on their part, no matter what the victimizer does, or does not, do. Furthermore, if the victimizer seeks reconciliation, that action and healing can only occur if the victim is willing and able to forgive. Forgiveness is always the victim’s, or the survivor’s, decision. Again and in addition, reconciliation is impossible except the victim/survivor is willing and able to forgive and the victimizer apologizes or restores that which has been taken or was lost. Now I have been using the verbs “willing and able” because there is something problematic concerning forgiveness—you can’t fully forgive until you can allow yourself to feel the pain you were caused. And in our Western society, it seems that everyone attempts to avoid pain, or any other emotion for that matter. This is why forgiveness can be tricky. And if we don’t feel that pain, something much more toxic will take its place—anger and revenge! This occurs because a person who does not allow the expression of pain unconsciously builds resentment. This resentment, as it builds, needs to find an outlet. This outlet may be a physical one, such as hypertension or headaches, but usually the outlet is a more psychological one, such as depression or anger (turned outward or inward towards one’s self).
I once worked with a gentleman who, after twenty years of work, was fired because of office politics. He came in to see me because of an addiction to pain pills. He was a very sophisticated individual and saw himself as an enlightened and intellectual individual. In groups, this man would make many wonderful insights into other group members. He revealed one day that he felt he was addicted to anger. Anger began to fill the void that drugs had occupied. He began to say in group, “Those bastards who took away my job… I did nothing wrong, they were intimidated by me and because of their power issues they fired me.” Of course, his former employer made no restitution, so therefore he could “never forgive them,” although at the time of his firing he had said to his wife, “Oh well, it’s not that big of a deal, I’m just going to forget about it.” He had prematurely forgiven his employer, which leads to resentment, which led him to become addicted to pain pills. Psychologically, the concept of “forget” is called “repressed.” And when something is repressed, it hangs around, under the surface, needing expression somehow, physically or emotionally. When pain is repressed, it drags down all the emotions associated with that pain, thus making forgiveness impossible, because on some level you are just “keeping score.” Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting. To forgive is simply to stop wishing for revenge or to stop wanting to see the other person suffer in some way. But forgiveness is not blind. Because trust has been violated you cannot just forget what happened or else the same thing might happen again.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Adults Abused as Children
The outcomes of early sexual abuse last well into adulthood, affecting relationships, work, family, and life in general. Individual symptomatology tends to fall into four areas:
1. "Damaged goods": Low self-esteem, depression, self-destructiveness (suicide and self-mutilation), guilt, shame, self-blame, constant search for approval and nurturance.
2. Betrayal: Impaired ability to trust, blurred boundaries and role confusion, rage and grief, difficulty forming relationships.
3. Helplessness: Anxiety, fear, tendency towards re-victimization, panic attacks.
4. Isolation: Sense of being different, stigmatized, lack of supports, poor peer relations.
Adult incest survivors may demonstrate some of the following symptoms:
Fear of the dark, fear of sleeping alone, nightmares, night terrors
Difficulty with swallowing, gagging
Poor body image, poor self-image in general
Wearing excessive clothing
Addictions, compulsive behaviors, obsessions
Self-abuse, skin-carving (also addictive),
Suicidality
Phobias, panic attacks, anxiety disorders, startle response
Difficulties with anger/rage
Splitting/ de-personalization, shutdown under stress
Issues with trust, intimacy, relationships
Issues with boundaries, control, abandonment
Pattern of re-victimization, not able to say "no"
Blocking of memories, especially between age one and 12
Feeling crazy, different, marked
Denial, flashbacks
Sexual issues and extremes
Multiple personalities
Signs of posttraumatic stress disorder
Certain issues appear repeatedly. For example, victims typically blame themselves for the abuse, even if they were two or three years old at the time of the event. Guilt and shame are expressed, along with intense feelings of rage
If the rape or molestation was committed by an individual of the same sex (i.e., a man abusing a boy), questions regarding sexual orientation tend to arise in the patient ("I must be gay; after all, a man raped me!"). Female victims will frequently develop sexually promiscuous lifestyles in an effort to "conquer" the situation and bring it under their control. In other instances individuals will largely withdraw from any social or sexual interactions in order to avoid the feared stimuli, and turn toward extremely isolated lives.
The connection that is made for victims between sex and pain (love and humiliation, closeness and betrayal) is a particularly disastrous one. Frequently cleints will express and/or demonstrate the belief that the only way to be loved or cared for is if they are also being abused ("I knew if I didn't let him keep beating me, I'd always be alone"). Often, in the extreme, physical and sexual abuse are even viewed as a normal part of everyday life. Healthy boundaries do not exist for these individuals, and therefore, healthy relationships are impossible. Victims will actually respond to feelings of loneliness or sadness by abusing themselves (e.g., self-mutilation) if the "significant other" is not available to do so.
One of the more difficult issues that arise is the recollection, by some individuals, of experiencing a certain amount of physical pleasure during a molestation or incest. This adds enormously to the sense of being at fault and "dirty." Thus, one of the aims of treatment is to educate survivors as to normal physiological responsiveness. The realization that their feelings are/were normal helps tremendously toward alleviating the sense of shame.
Even when individuals have spoken of their abuse prior to group treatment, any pleasurable aspects have typically been denied. The opportunity to relate to others who have shared these feelings, as well as the experience, is part of the healing power of this form of therapy. The sense of isolation, of being "different from the whole world," quickly begins to subside. It is only in revealing the secrets and dealing with the pain that survivors of sexual abuse can and do go on with their lives.
References
1. Incest Survivors' Resource Network, International. (1990). Manual. N.Y. Yearly Meeting, Hicksville, NY.
2. Calam, R.M., (1989) Sexual experience and eating problems in female undergraduates. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 8, 391-399.
3. Blume, E. Sue, (1989). Secret Survivors: Uncovering incest and its aftereffects. John Wiley & Sons, NJ.
4. Koopmans, M., (1990). Yeshiva University/Einstein College. Personal Communication.
5. Op. Cit., Incest Survivors Resource Network.
6. Heiman, M., (1988). Untangling incestuous bonds: The treatment of sibling incest. In M. Kahn & K. Lewis (Eds.), Siblings in Therapy, Norton & Co., N.Y.
7. Ibid.
8. Hartman, M., Finn, S.E., & Leon, G.R., (1987). Sexual abuse experiences in a clinical population: Comparisons of familial and non-familial abuse. Psychotherapy, 24, 154-159.
1. "Damaged goods": Low self-esteem, depression, self-destructiveness (suicide and self-mutilation), guilt, shame, self-blame, constant search for approval and nurturance.
2. Betrayal: Impaired ability to trust, blurred boundaries and role confusion, rage and grief, difficulty forming relationships.
3. Helplessness: Anxiety, fear, tendency towards re-victimization, panic attacks.
4. Isolation: Sense of being different, stigmatized, lack of supports, poor peer relations.
Adult incest survivors may demonstrate some of the following symptoms:
Fear of the dark, fear of sleeping alone, nightmares, night terrors
Difficulty with swallowing, gagging
Poor body image, poor self-image in general
Wearing excessive clothing
Addictions, compulsive behaviors, obsessions
Self-abuse, skin-carving (also addictive),
Suicidality
Phobias, panic attacks, anxiety disorders, startle response
Difficulties with anger/rage
Splitting/ de-personalization, shutdown under stress
Issues with trust, intimacy, relationships
Issues with boundaries, control, abandonment
Pattern of re-victimization, not able to say "no"
Blocking of memories, especially between age one and 12
Feeling crazy, different, marked
Denial, flashbacks
Sexual issues and extremes
Multiple personalities
Signs of posttraumatic stress disorder
Certain issues appear repeatedly. For example, victims typically blame themselves for the abuse, even if they were two or three years old at the time of the event. Guilt and shame are expressed, along with intense feelings of rage
If the rape or molestation was committed by an individual of the same sex (i.e., a man abusing a boy), questions regarding sexual orientation tend to arise in the patient ("I must be gay; after all, a man raped me!"). Female victims will frequently develop sexually promiscuous lifestyles in an effort to "conquer" the situation and bring it under their control. In other instances individuals will largely withdraw from any social or sexual interactions in order to avoid the feared stimuli, and turn toward extremely isolated lives.
The connection that is made for victims between sex and pain (love and humiliation, closeness and betrayal) is a particularly disastrous one. Frequently cleints will express and/or demonstrate the belief that the only way to be loved or cared for is if they are also being abused ("I knew if I didn't let him keep beating me, I'd always be alone"). Often, in the extreme, physical and sexual abuse are even viewed as a normal part of everyday life. Healthy boundaries do not exist for these individuals, and therefore, healthy relationships are impossible. Victims will actually respond to feelings of loneliness or sadness by abusing themselves (e.g., self-mutilation) if the "significant other" is not available to do so.
One of the more difficult issues that arise is the recollection, by some individuals, of experiencing a certain amount of physical pleasure during a molestation or incest. This adds enormously to the sense of being at fault and "dirty." Thus, one of the aims of treatment is to educate survivors as to normal physiological responsiveness. The realization that their feelings are/were normal helps tremendously toward alleviating the sense of shame.
Even when individuals have spoken of their abuse prior to group treatment, any pleasurable aspects have typically been denied. The opportunity to relate to others who have shared these feelings, as well as the experience, is part of the healing power of this form of therapy. The sense of isolation, of being "different from the whole world," quickly begins to subside. It is only in revealing the secrets and dealing with the pain that survivors of sexual abuse can and do go on with their lives.
References
1. Incest Survivors' Resource Network, International. (1990). Manual. N.Y. Yearly Meeting, Hicksville, NY.
2. Calam, R.M., (1989) Sexual experience and eating problems in female undergraduates. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 8, 391-399.
3. Blume, E. Sue, (1989). Secret Survivors: Uncovering incest and its aftereffects. John Wiley & Sons, NJ.
4. Koopmans, M., (1990). Yeshiva University/Einstein College. Personal Communication.
5. Op. Cit., Incest Survivors Resource Network.
6. Heiman, M., (1988). Untangling incestuous bonds: The treatment of sibling incest. In M. Kahn & K. Lewis (Eds.), Siblings in Therapy, Norton & Co., N.Y.
7. Ibid.
8. Hartman, M., Finn, S.E., & Leon, G.R., (1987). Sexual abuse experiences in a clinical population: Comparisons of familial and non-familial abuse. Psychotherapy, 24, 154-159.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Denied the Right to Heal
The following was written by one of my clients. His post gives great insight into how our society needs to have more compassion on individuals who struggle with different addictions, especially with addiction that our society does not want to understand--and the danger of failing to understand leads to a perpetuation of the problem. If we want a sickness to end, we, as a society need to not be afraid to look at the sickness and those who struggle, on all sides of the issue. As you read this post, please understand that this individual has paid "his debt to society", but is still being stigmatized and haunted by his past--not because of his lack of therapeutic progress, but because of a society who will not accept and reintegrate an adult who was also molested as a child and now can not find a place in this world. This client uses a pen name:
We as a society are failing to do our duty to help those children who were sexually abused. The problem is they don’t stay children for ever and eventually grow up to be adults who were molested as children. A child living everyday with an abuser has an effect on that child.
A good number of these people were afraid to speak out when they were children. They were afraid they would get into trouble or afraid they would be hurt and punished more if they tried to get help. Some feared being killed. Some feared if they didn’t continue trying to please the abuser then their younger brother or sister would become a victim, so they continue to sacrifice and please to protect the younger. Some abuse started at such a young age that they didn’t know what was happening was wrong for a very long time. And when they learned and knew it was wrong they could not understand how something that felt so good physically could be so wrong.
All to often these kids grow up holding all these horrible events they’ve experience to themselves. They feel an immense amount of shame and guilt for the things that happened to them. They live with many regrets of things they were coerced, manipulated or forced to participate in.
As they become teens and adults they seek ways to manage and deal with these overpowering thoughts and feelings of shame and regret. They end up acting out in some way to deal with the stress of the things that happened to them and the social shame they feel surrounding the topic of sexual abuse. Some turn to drugs, some become work-a-holic’s. Some turn to pornography. Most have an unhealthy sense of sex. Some grow up to hate sex, sex becomes such a negative force in their life that its easier to just hate sex and anything associated with it. Some turn to doing the only thing they have ever know to deal with the stress and that is sexual abuse.
Trying to get help or finding help is next to impossible. They think they can manage to make it. But regardless of what has happened to them as children if they had ever initiated or acted out by abusing another they are automatically labeled as a child sex offender, gay, rapist etc. Then it is too late. From that point on none of their history matters. And seeking help is analogues to seeking imprisonment. Them acting out is their best attempt of dealing with the pressures of their life and is their attempt to seek help given the legal and social environment. The longer this cycle continues the more difficult it becomes for them to actually get any help and to begin to heal.
Because our laws force mandatory reporting of sexual abuse. And the general societies views on sexual abuse is still to just lock them up and cut off their nuts/penis. There is no hope for these children who are sexually abused and then become adults before they find a path to help. On top of that is the constant fear that those they have abused will one day seek help and press charges. This is a disease much worse than cancer as there is no escape from what has happened and there is no escape from the regret and shame of the actions and things we have done to others.
So these adults who were molested as children and are now acting out abusing themselves with drugs, pornography, or acting out themselves against other children will continue another generation of children who are molested. As long as we as a society continue to shame those and lock them up and hope they come out of prison fixed or at least scared enough to abstain from getting caught. We will never be able to help those children who are abused and crying for help.
I’ve sought help for most of my life, always afraid of losing everything good in my life. Never being able to really heal because there are some things I’ve done that I can not talk about because I fear they would place me in prison and end any help I may be getting. I’m not willing to give up living. I’m not willing to give up trying to do what is right. I’m not willing to give up overcoming the horrible events of my childhood. I’m not willing to give up striving to become a better man. I am not the man I was supposed to be, I am not the man I wanted to be. I also never got to be the kid I wanted to be.
And I will NO longer be denied my right to heal.
I still have many faults. I regret many of the things I’ve done in my past. I regret them because each one of those acts killed a part of the spirit of those who were involved. Each one of those acts destroyed a great relationship. Each one of them filled the hearts of those I knew with shame, disgust and hate.
Anthony Taylor Carden
We as a society are failing to do our duty to help those children who were sexually abused. The problem is they don’t stay children for ever and eventually grow up to be adults who were molested as children. A child living everyday with an abuser has an effect on that child.
A good number of these people were afraid to speak out when they were children. They were afraid they would get into trouble or afraid they would be hurt and punished more if they tried to get help. Some feared being killed. Some feared if they didn’t continue trying to please the abuser then their younger brother or sister would become a victim, so they continue to sacrifice and please to protect the younger. Some abuse started at such a young age that they didn’t know what was happening was wrong for a very long time. And when they learned and knew it was wrong they could not understand how something that felt so good physically could be so wrong.
All to often these kids grow up holding all these horrible events they’ve experience to themselves. They feel an immense amount of shame and guilt for the things that happened to them. They live with many regrets of things they were coerced, manipulated or forced to participate in.
As they become teens and adults they seek ways to manage and deal with these overpowering thoughts and feelings of shame and regret. They end up acting out in some way to deal with the stress of the things that happened to them and the social shame they feel surrounding the topic of sexual abuse. Some turn to drugs, some become work-a-holic’s. Some turn to pornography. Most have an unhealthy sense of sex. Some grow up to hate sex, sex becomes such a negative force in their life that its easier to just hate sex and anything associated with it. Some turn to doing the only thing they have ever know to deal with the stress and that is sexual abuse.
Trying to get help or finding help is next to impossible. They think they can manage to make it. But regardless of what has happened to them as children if they had ever initiated or acted out by abusing another they are automatically labeled as a child sex offender, gay, rapist etc. Then it is too late. From that point on none of their history matters. And seeking help is analogues to seeking imprisonment. Them acting out is their best attempt of dealing with the pressures of their life and is their attempt to seek help given the legal and social environment. The longer this cycle continues the more difficult it becomes for them to actually get any help and to begin to heal.
Because our laws force mandatory reporting of sexual abuse. And the general societies views on sexual abuse is still to just lock them up and cut off their nuts/penis. There is no hope for these children who are sexually abused and then become adults before they find a path to help. On top of that is the constant fear that those they have abused will one day seek help and press charges. This is a disease much worse than cancer as there is no escape from what has happened and there is no escape from the regret and shame of the actions and things we have done to others.
So these adults who were molested as children and are now acting out abusing themselves with drugs, pornography, or acting out themselves against other children will continue another generation of children who are molested. As long as we as a society continue to shame those and lock them up and hope they come out of prison fixed or at least scared enough to abstain from getting caught. We will never be able to help those children who are abused and crying for help.
I’ve sought help for most of my life, always afraid of losing everything good in my life. Never being able to really heal because there are some things I’ve done that I can not talk about because I fear they would place me in prison and end any help I may be getting. I’m not willing to give up living. I’m not willing to give up trying to do what is right. I’m not willing to give up overcoming the horrible events of my childhood. I’m not willing to give up striving to become a better man. I am not the man I was supposed to be, I am not the man I wanted to be. I also never got to be the kid I wanted to be.
And I will NO longer be denied my right to heal.
I still have many faults. I regret many of the things I’ve done in my past. I regret them because each one of those acts killed a part of the spirit of those who were involved. Each one of those acts destroyed a great relationship. Each one of them filled the hearts of those I knew with shame, disgust and hate.
Anthony Taylor Carden
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