Saturday, March 30, 2013
Excerpt From My Upcoming Book: "Looking Passed the Dark Glass" (section: Misconceptions)
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, in his ground-breaking and healing Ensign article, titled “Helping Those who Struggle with Same Gender Attraction”, stated, “Same-gender attraction is not a sin, but acting on those feelings is.” (Jeffrey R. Holland, “Helping Those Who Struggle with Same-Gender Attraction,” Liahona, Oct 2007, 40–43 ). This article and statement dispelled many misunderstandings that church members had about the nature of same-gender attraction, showing that attractions to the same-sex is not behavior, thus is can not be sin—however acting against the law of chastity through homosexual acts is a sin and frustrates the plan of happiness.
The Quorum of the Twelve, with the First Presidency added to Elder Holland's remarks with their pamphlet “God Loveth His Children”. It proclaims, “You are a son or daughter of God, and our hearts reach out to you in warmth and affection. Notwithstanding your present same-gender attractions, you can be happy during this life, lead a morally clean life, perform meaningful service in the Church, enjoy full fellowship with your fellow Saints, and ultimately receive all the blessings of eternal life.” The pamphlet goes on to say, “A number of Latter-day Saints with same-gender attraction are moving forward with their lives by carefully adhering to gospel standards, staying close to the Lord, and obtaining ecclesiastical and professional help when needed. Their lives are rich and satisfying, and they can be assured that all the blessings of eternal life will ultimately be theirs.” (God Loveth His Children [Salt Lake City: Intellectual Reserve, 2007] 1,4.)
There is hope and there is support. President Gordon B. Hinkley stated: “Our hearts reach out to those who struggle with feelings of affinity for the same gender. We remember you before the Lord, we sympathize with you, we regard you as our brothers and sisters” (“Stand Strong against the Wiles of the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 99)
In their book, “Understanding Same-Sex Attraction”, Byrd, Cox, Dant, Dahle, Livingstone and Wells, state “Few subjects are as difficult to understand or as controversial as same-sex attraction... Viewpoints about it often fall into polar extremes... That is, it is seen as either a gross perversion or it is seen as an acceptable alternative to heterosexual attraction”(“Understanding Same-Sex Attraction”. Dahle, et. al., (2009) Foundation for Attraction Research, pg. 6) How true this is. As I have worked with countless client who have struggled with the heartbreak and frustration stemming from same-gender attraction, I have come to find that the individual, the family and the community around them, seem to greatly misunderstand same-gender attraction.
An entire book could be written on the misconceptions of same-gender attraction, for more on this subject, please refer to the book referred to above: “Understanding Same-Sex Attraction”. A. Dean Byrd and his colleagues were phenomenal in their research and depth of the subject of same-gender attraction, along with the misconceptions of it. One final highlight from this book:
The term gay in context of same-sex attraction is correctly defined as a sociopolitical identity assumed by individuals, both men and women, who have embraced their homosexual attractions as a core sense of self. Likewise, the term lesbian is an assumed sociopolitical identity but refers exclusively to women. These terms define people based on their sexual feelings and can incorrectly imply that same-sex attraction are innate physical characteristics on the order of being male or female.
As a therapist I know of the damaging nature of labels. When one labels themselves, they have the tendency to live up to that label and the definitions which come with that label. What does it truly mean to be gay? The media has its definitions, and many with same-gender attraction are living up to that society-bound implied and explicit definition of who they are supposed to be. Labels are damaging, you are yourself, not so-and-so, the gay person.
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3 comments:
There is hope in this blog post. I believe that most people with same-sex attraction would not choose that lifestyle if they thought they had a choice. It is a difficult life to lead; I know from watching my brother. He told me that he was gay when he was 24 or so and now at 45 he has still not had any kind of committed relationship; in fact, he has trouble with most relationships. My brother lives an openly gay lifestyle although he is far from the stereotype. He does not go to gay bars, drink, drug and have a new sexual partner every night. He is a very successful attorney and he deals with prejudice (and perhaps discrimination) at work. He struggles with depression and OCD and three years ago he tried to kill himself. He would make a wonderful husband and father. We avoid discussing the views that homosexual acts are a sin and he would not tolerate me trying to teach him that he has a choice. He would say that people with same-sex attraction who either choose celibacy or a heterosexual lifestyle are living a lie. He definitely has his identity linked to his sexual orientation and for him there is no choice.
I am wondering how you as a therapist refute the idea that someone in the closet is living a lie or is unhealthy or at risk for imploding at some point. How do you respond to a situation where a man with same-sex attraction marries a woman and ten years and three kids later leaves the family for a homosexual relationship? I understand that the root of the failed marriage is not simply sex; I’m sure there were other problems in the relationship. However the world will certainly point to the incongruence we’re focused on here. Looking at the major religions in the modern world, none to my knowledge condone homosexuality, so it’s not a Mormon, Catholic, Jewish issue. So how do you sit across the table from your colleagues who are counseling people that the have no choice.
When my brother first came out he was in therapy with a gay counselor. He saw that man for 12 years. I’m sure he was counseled that he had no choice, to accept himself, to embrace his same-sex attraction and blaze the trail for others. Also, what about same-sex attraction that is rooted in childhood sexual abuse? Do those people have a choice? If a woman was abused as a child and now has an aversion/fear of men, what help is available to them? One last question: Is there any way that I can approach this subject with my brother? What do you suggest to bishops and family members who want to suggest this type of approach and counseling to someone struggling with this issue?
I had an early post, which discussed the stages of change. It sounds like your brother is in a form of pre-contemplation, thus he would be very defensive if you were to discuss "choice" with him. I would love him, accept him and the choices he has made (for he has truly made a choice in the matter), let him know that although you don't agree with him on this subject, you will always be there for him. Love is the answer to Same Sex Attraction. There needs to be more dialogue and understanding. We must remember that everyone has there agency, and when we accept that, change will begin to occur. Keep in mind, abandonment and isolation is at the core of SGA--so the answer is the opposite--interaction and charity.
I watch my son label himself and cut himself off from the church and the gospel. I keep hoping that as he ages and matures that there will be a time when he will be open to listening to a point of view different from his own and not feel like he is being attacked. Until that time, I just love him, and pray for him, and ask God to keep feeling after him. Someday, and I have to steel myself that it may not be in this life, he will understand and accept the love of the Savior and label himself a Son of God instead of a gay man.
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