It is important to identify the root cause of emotional abandonment and then begin to work through it. Here are some suggestions for re-establishing a loving connection with your spouse:
1. AGREE TO TALK
At some point you have to agree to talk about the problems that exist between you and your partner. If you’re going to resolve issues, there needs to be a mutual commitment to listen to the other person’s concerns and to work towards improving the situation. Don’t corner your partner with an unexpected lecture, but set a time and agree to start to work through your issues.
2. BE PREPARED
Before you have the talk, take the time separately to think through the unresolved issues that you’ll be discussing. What are your concerns in the relationship? In what areas do you feel you need to improve? What are your expectations of your loved one? To put your thoughts down on paper may be best, but either way, be prepared to be open and honest with each other about the real issues between you. Be sure to take the time to really listen to what your spouse is saying. Give each other uninterrupted time to share your view on things.
3. BE DIRECT BUT GENTLE
Neither of you has anything to gain by holding back your true feelings. Remember: unresolved issues lie at the heart of emotional detachment. So lay all your cards out on the table by sharing your hurts clearly. Don’t allow things to get out of hand. Be committed to talk through things sensibly. Take breaks to cool it if necessary but agree to continue. Ask each other the tough questions, and talk through the difficult issues that have been eating away at your relationship. Regardless of which partner initiated the wrong, you both need to work at resolving the problem.
4. BEGIN TO MEET UNMET NEEDS
Often a person pulls back from the relationship because, in their mind, their needs are not being met. A healthy marriage demands that both partners actively work to discern the needs of their spouse, and work to meet those needs. Seek to understand your spouse’s needs and ask yourself how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.
5. DEAL WITH YOUR OWN STUFF
If you are feeling abandoned by your spouse, you need to ask yourself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away? Now it may not be only your responsibility. Nevertheless, you have to find out what you are responsible for and take ownership for your actions. Really listen to your spouse. Of course, there are things that your mate needs to deal with, and they may be withdrawing from you for selfish reasons, but that can’t stop you from taking the steps that you know you need to take. Both parties must be prepared to make apologies and extend forgiveness as part of your recovery from the emotional detachment.
6. INTENTIONALLY RE-ENGAGE
If you are to re-establish your emotional connection, it won’t happen by accident and it won’t happen overnight. You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together. Plan a few dates and put each other in your schedules. It’s time to re-enter one another’s lives again.
7. ACT KINDLY
This may not be a revolutionary new idea, but it can have that kind of an effect on your marriage. You must act kindly toward your spouse. Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness, and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way toward renewing your bond with one another. Do this from the heart with real commitment to make the necessary changes.
8. LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY
Somebody has to break out of the negative cycle of eye-for an eye, poor treatment for poor treatment. You need to step out of the insult-for-insult cycle and respond differently. You cannot control your spouse’s behavior, but you can control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must choose to treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your partner is not reciprocating. And nothing breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love. Mercy is key. If you are looking for fairness in a relationship, you probably won't find it... Relationships are rarely fair.
9. SEEK COUNSELING
If you perceive that none of these other steps are helping you resolve your relational issues, seek counseling. Oftentimes, when a spouse is struggling with an extra-marital affair, or an addiction, the relationship has been wounded to the point that professional help will be one of the only ways to resolve these issues.
6 comments:
I get unresolved issues lie at the heart of emotional detachment. I will even concede that it is the relationship that heals. But what if the relationship is moot? Can you heal a relationship with a dead person. How do you stop being the perpetrator of emotional detachment if what caused you to detach is literally 6 feet under? How do you then meet unmet needs? How do you intentionally re-engage? I think I am missing a key point.
It is difficult to re-attach to a detached individual. To answer your questions, I guess I would need to know more about how "dead" your relationship is... for some relationships can not be resurrected, especially if one partner has no interest in bringing the relationship back to life.
My partner is "dead", passed on, kicked the bucket. I think that I was detached before the death, and now I am still detached. It has just seeped into the rest of my life and my relationships, or lack there of. I want to re-engage, but how can I if the core relationship is over and cannot be healed because of "literal death"?
I am sorry... I thought you were being metaphorical.
It sounds like you have been dealing with a lot of grief and loss and this maybe creating difficulty in re-engaging with others... especially if you weren't engaged with your partner before the death. Grief is such a funny, unpredictable animal. Many people in years’ past think a year is a suitable time to wait before incorporating life changes, and yet for many of us, a year into loss is not enough. My experience has been that people and
perhaps society as a whole, do not allow enough time or thought to the actual grief process. There is no quick fix or “getting over it” and moving on. We all move through grief in our own ways and means. There is nothing by formula that we can follow or hope to happen. Talking with others who have experienced a similar loss is definitely a plus.
Some days the road is more difficult than others days. At times, you feel enveloped in a mist of uncertainty. Even small decisions can sometimes stretch past your point of coping.
In my experience, some people get into relationships, after a death of a spouse, to deal with the loneliness. It is difficult at these times, because one doesn't know exactly how to feel, and the feelings of loss complicate a healthy formation of attachment to someone else.
We all deserve better for ourselves than settling in a relationship just to alleviate the loneliness.
You may be feeling dissatisfaction that can make you vulnerable to guilt and second thoughts, since your relationship was tough before your partner died. Self-blame can convince you that if you had done things differently, you and your partner could have had good times. The grief then can be colored easily by regret and guilt.
We have a cultural prohibition about speaking ill of the dead. Because of this prohibition, you may find no opportunity to talk about the different aspects of your experience because only the positive aspects are acceptable. Also, if you want to begin a new relationship, you may have difficulty cultivating a positive identity as a partner because of the negative experiences with your lost partner.
You should try to sort out the different emotional responses and to talk with a friend or therapist who can accept these responses and validate them. People in this situation may also find it useful to keep a journal to help sort out varying emotional responses.
Of course, your situation is very complicated. I hope this helped.
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